Chapter 35 Chapter Thirty-Five

They come to Arthur's house in the West Country, stuff a bag with a few towels and some mess, and sit there doing what every Galactic Wanderer spends most of their time doing. They waited for a flying saucer to pass by. "A friend of mine spent fifteen years on it," Arthur said one night, staring hopelessly at the sky. "Who?" "Sir Ford." He found himself doing something he never wanted himself to do again. He was wondering where Ford Prefect was. By sheer coincidence, two reports appeared in the papers the next day, one of the most astonishing UFO incidents and the other of a series of unseemly riots in bars.

Prefect Ford showed up the next morning, looking hungover and complaining that Arthur never answered the phone. He actually looked awful, as if not only had he been dragged upside down through a piece of fence, but that piece of fence had been dragged upside down into a combine harvester at the same time.He staggered into Arthur's living room and waved away all the hands that came to help, which was a mistake, because the gesture completely threw him off balance, and Arthur finally dragged him to the sofa. "Thank you," said Ford. "Thank you very much. Have you..." he said, and fell asleep, three hours' sleep.

"Just a little idea," he went on, waking up suddenly, "how hard is it to get into the British telephone system from the Pleiades? I know you don't, so I'm going to tell you," he said, "but you'll have to tell me right away. I'll make a big cup of coffee." He followed Arthur unsteadily into the kitchen. "Stupid operator keeps asking where you're calling from and you try to tell them it's Letchworth but they say you're looking from the line you're calling in and it can't be Letchworth. What are you doing?" "Get you some black coffee."

"Oh." Ford looked oddly disappointed.He looked around desolately. "What is this?" he asked. "oatmeal." "what about this?" "Chili powder." "I see," said Ford solemnly, and put the two things back together, one on top of the other, but that didn't seem to keep the balance, so he put the other on top, and it did. "A little space," said Ford. "What did I say?" "Say it's not from Letchworth." "I'm not. I explained to the lady, 'Fuck his letchworth,' and I said, 'If you say so. I'm actually calling from the Sirius Robotics circuit sales ship, currently traveling at sublight speed Flying between two planets known to your world, but not necessarily towards you, dear lady.' I said 'dear lady.'" Ford Prefect explained, "in the hope that she would not Angry at me for implying she was an ignorant fool..."

"Pretty well," said Arthur Dent. "Indeed," said Ford, "very decently." He frowned. "Bad space," he said, "very bad for a second-order clause. You need to help me again," he continued, "Remind me where I was?" "It is known to your world," said Arthur, "to fly between two planets, but not necessarily to you, my dear lady, because..." "Alcyone and Alcyone," concluded Ford triumphantly, "is it fun to talk like that?" "Have some coffee." "Thanks, I'm not drinking.' As for why,' I said, 'I'm going to bother you instead of calling him, you know we have some pretty good sophisticated telecommunications equipment in the Pleiades, I can tell you, it's because of that The star-beast-raised iron rooster pilot of this star-beast-raised (expletive, functioning similarly to other '***-raised' we say) ship insisted that I make collect calls. Can you believe such a thing?"

"Can she believe it?" "I don't know, she hung up," said Ford, "immediately. Well! What do you think," he asked viciously, "what did I do next?" "I don't know, Ford," said Arthur. "It's a shame," said Ford, "and I wish you'd reminded me. You know how I hate those guys. They're the reptiles of the universe, humming around in infinite space, their rags The machines never functioned properly, or when they did, performed functions that no normal human being would ask them to do, and," he added gruffly, "beeped and told you."

This is absolutely true, and a very decent view widely held by sane people, who are seen as sane largely because they hold it. In almost the only sane and sane entry in its 5,975,509 pages, it says of Sirius Robotics products: "The sense of accomplishment you get them moving is easy to forget They're practically useless." In other words—the company's galactic success rests on such a rock-solid principle—that a product's fundamental design flaws are thoroughly masked by superficial design flaws. "And this guy," said Ford fumingly, "is going to sell more of this stuff! He's on a five-year mission to find and explore strange new worlds and sell them to restaurants, elevators, and bars in those worlds." Advanced music replacement system! If these places don't already have restaurants, elevators, and bars, push their culture so they can build them and sell them! Coffee?"

"I fell." "Fight more. I remember now what I did next. As we know, I saved civilization. I know that kind of thing." He stumbled resolutely back into the living room, where he seemed to be talking to himself, tripping over furniture, and beeping. A few minutes later, Arthur came to him with a very calm face. Ford looked startled. "Where have you been?" he asked. "Coffee," said Arthur, his face still very composed.He had learned long ago that the only way to stay by Ford's side was to keep a very composed face, and to keep it that way. "You missed the best part!" Ford raged. "You missed the part where I jumped over that guy! Now," he said, "I have to jump over this, over him!"

He nonchalantly jumped into a chair and broke it. "Last time," he said darkly, "was better." He waved wildly in the direction of the other broken chair, the fragments of which he had bundled up and placed on the dining table. "I see," said Arthur, looking calmly at the pile of bundled junk. "Besides, er, what are these ice cubes for?" "What?" screamed Ford. "What? You missed this too? It was life support, I put that guy in life support. I had to do it, didn't I?" "It seems so," said Arthur in a calm voice. "Don't touch that!!!" Ford yelled.

Arthur paused calmly,--he was about to put the phone away, for it was lying on the table for some mysterious reason, the handset dropped to one side. "Okay." Ford calmed down, "Listen to the phone." Arthur held the phone to his ear. "It's a time signal," he said. "Beep, beep, beep," said Ford, "that's what I've been hearing all over the ship when that guy was sleeping in the ice, when there was a small Somebody knows the slow circle of the moon. London's time signal!" "I understand," Arthur said again, and decided it was time to ask the important question.

"Why?" he asked calmly. "With any luck," said Ford, "the phone bill will bankrupt that bastard." He collapsed on the sofa dripping with sweat. "Anyway," he said, "my presence is striking, don't you think?"