Chapter 44 Chapter 43

To put it in a rhythm that I don’t want to repeat, Tomato wakes up and has been a courier delivery boy and a convenience store clerk for more than half a year. One time he delivered a delivery to a casino but encountered a shootout. He picked up a gun on the ground. In an instant, he changed his damn fate.As a professional killer in South Korea, he has been in the wind and cloud for a long time, and his almost blank mysterious past adds to his charm. He is known as the strongest double-gun shooter in South Korea in the past ten years, none of them.Tomato falls in love with an innocent female college student.The female college student died in the end, and the reason was not mentioned in the self-report, only a picture of the body of the female college student lying on the ground covered with bullet holes, the outline looks like a western white man.Then he drew another woman...another corpse of a woman packed in a cardboard box. In his autobiography, he didn't even mention the relationship between them, but it should be a relationship similar to a couple.The woman's body was tattooed with some unsightly swear words.Tomato mentioned that South Korea's killer world is a very special and independent existence in Asia. They have always claimed that even G, who is recognized as the strongest, is not Tomato's opponent, so those managers jointly sent Tomato to Taiwan, wanting him to compete with G Male and female prove the quality of South Korea's killer world.Therefore, Tomato has developed in Taiwan for more than two years, but he failed to meet G. He just kept killing and killing. During this process, he only encountered a difficult and strange master, but he still killed him and did kill him twice.In fact, Tomato doesn't care about what is first or not. To be more precise, there is nothing really important in his life.

There are many pages of self-reports in the back, which are all crazy cursive writing and incomprehensible deformed compositions. Except for a deformed pattern that transforms a beetle into a goldfish on fire, I can’t understand them all, and I’m even more afraid of understanding them. So I Throw it on the ground. "He came to me for psychotherapy. He did it for several months, and finally collapsed." "So he also asked to clear all the memories in his head?" "Tomatoes look bad, I don't have a choice." "...what the hell happened to him?" "Watched the woman I love die in front of me twice in a row. I obviously have the ability to take revenge, but I really don't know who did it, so I pretended not to care, but when I received an order from my employer, I took the opportunity to kill him, secretly. I pray that one day I will be able to shoot bullets on my enemies by mistake. Isn’t it very sad?”

"Ha." I'm not sure if my expression matches my dry laugh. "Sometimes insanity is actually a self-righteous protection mechanism, pretending that you don't care, so that you don't realize that you have been hurt a lot. Tomato started by pretending to be insane, playing a crazy person, so that people around They were all afraid of him. In the end, when no one really could have a good word or two with him, Tomato got used to being in that crazy state and continued to play his crazy. Just like a beetle, just like black and white, but this This situation is getting worse from generation to generation.”

"I don't know what's wrong with them, but I, I say, myself..." I dug my temples with my fingers seriously, and said, "I really don't care about those... that... that Take the guitar! I don't care anyway! Just because I can't find anything to care about, I don't want them all! They make me nauseous so I'm going to start over!" "...Huoyu, you too." "I'm different!" I retorted excitedly. "Listen up, Huoyu, I can make the past memory disappear, but the influence of the past memory on the personality will not disappear together, it will remain in the original body like a scar that cannot be fully restored, and become Part of personality. We have experienced various events, resulting in changes in personality and forgetting events, but the influence of these people and things on a person’s personality is still subtle.” The doctor used a method that I don’t know whether it is too serious or not. With a serious tone of classics, he said a very nihilistic analysis: "You can say that personality is a person's soul. I can move memories, but I cannot move the soul."

"What are you telling me about this?" "Change your own personality and admit that you care about those whores more than anything else, whether they are your friends or lovers, they are the most important existence to you in this life. You used to want to escape from them when you were on the Thai-Myanmar border , because the tragic experience of previous lives made your subconscious think that people who are important to you will die because of you. You don’t want to suffer such pain, so you have to leave the town. In the end, they really went wrong because of you If you die, you will further distort the precious relationship between them and you, and simply refuse to recognize their importance in your heart, refuse to avenge them, refuse to shed a tear for them, and refuse to miss them. It is because of you Resisting your true emotions all the time, you have no choice but to play a crazy psycho killer again, avoiding pain by alienating yourself from the world, until you can’t even stand your madness——Huoyu, your misery comes from you already A deformed and awkward personality, not the fate you imagined."

"...I don't understand what you're talking about." I had already stopped listening. "Huoyu, if you don't change your mind about yourself, you'll keep coming back here, begging me to blow up your memory. You think you can start all over again, but you have proved it time and time again. It's impossible to do it all over again." "Ha." I was still laughing, but I knew my patience with these analyzes was at its limit. "Do you know why you are in such pain, Huoyu?" "I'm not interested in knowing, I only know one way to end it!" I snarled at him sternly, "That's you! You! You can end it! But you've been wasting your time lecturing me!"

"You suffer because you're not really a badass, you're gentle, you've always been a gentle person. Being a gentle person gets hurt easily, so you pretend you're a hedgehog, you're scary, Keep people away because you've had enough of what happens to those who come near you." "I just like to be scary!" I yelled, lest the stupid doctor wouldn't hear me. "These things are actually taught to me by you who keep coming back here, Huoyu. There are many unsatisfactory things in life. Of course, what happened to you is a bit exaggerated. Accepting them is difficult and painful. It’s even painful, but if you just want to escape by forgetting them, they will continue to invade your next life cycle in the form of karma and torture you with similar fates until one day you accept them The doctor said something I couldn't understand again: "Huoyu, as long as you really want to change your destiny, you can do it at any time, and that is to accept them. Accepting them is a part of your life."

I looked at the doctor, at the bastard who claimed to be my best friend in life. This bastard I have no memory of is here to see me coming back again and again to beg him bitterly, listening to me talking about the miserable fate of messing up again and again. He is the person who understands "me" best in this world, and he is also the person I least allow to exist in this world. However, he is the only creator that I cannot kill and have to rely on. Did he secretly laugh at me in his heart?He pretends to want to help me, but is he really using me as a memory game experiment?He said he was my good friend, and he said that I had saved him. How much truth is there in this description?I have no idea.

He owns me and I know nothing about him. No, I don't know nothing about him.I know his special ability can help me.No matter what he thinks about me, I just pretend that I don't care. The important thing is that he can definitely help me burn all the waste in my mind to ashes. Yes, I am using him, I am using him! "That piece of trash called Tomato, throw me in Italy, right? Italy? Thanks to the good place he came up with." I sneered heartily: "I guess next time I throw myself in some damn place like Egypt or Libya, I probably won’t be able to come back here, hahaha.”

"Egypt? Libya... There are so many guns there, I guess you will come back to me at the speed of light." "Maybe, but that's also my choice in the next life." I stared at the doctor and kept threatening him with my eyes: "If you are really my friend, okay, then you do owe me your life, pay me back!" ! Pay me back the way I asked for!" "Huoyu, didn't you understand me? If you don't really face your destiny, no matter your name is black and white or beetle or zombie or tomato, you will never break free from your destiny. If you have never had the courage to catch Singing on stage with a microphone, no matter how much you like rock and roll, you will never be a rock singer. If you in this life don’t have the courage to send a demo to the record company, how can you expect your next life to suddenly have the courage? You even I never made up my mind to finish recording that demo tape!"

"I can get Rocker tattooed on my chest, I can get the titles of all my favorite rock songs on it! Every single one! When I wake up again I know I'm going to do this! I will! Stop being a killer! I'm going to be a rock singer! In my next life!" I yelled, "In my next life, I'll find what's really important to me!" Before I knew it, damn it I found my face was terribly wet. One hundred percent it must have been this doctor who secretly hinted at me with tears.mean!Shameless! "You have already found what is really important to you." The doctor closed his eyes and sighed heavily: "It's just that you can't make up your mind to protect them. You can't even mourn their loss in your heart." Yes, Huoyu, even I feel pain for you." I kept crying and crying, the doctor's suggestion made me have to completely abandon my tears, but he just silently let me cry in such a shameful way. I do not mind.In fact, I don't care about the dispensable false self of self-esteem at all.If only I could cry until the doctor got impatient or out of control or pitied me, he would set his hands on my head with the dynamite of my dreams.His little effort, my day and night. When I was trying to play a miserable and easily broken piece of trash, the unconscionable doctor pretended that I didn't exist, and talked about our friendship that I had no interest in at all. In a rueful voice, he spoke of old events that I had no memory of.He said he shouldn't have tried to steal the wallets of those two thugs that night, and he shouldn't have laughed at them sharply when he lost his wind.He said that it was his responsibility to figure out a way to deal with those two evil spirits by himself, and at least try to escape instead of being scared and weak.He said he was sorry for me.He said that I shouldn't be left alone in the shadow of murder anyway-at least not that night. He kept saying and I kept crying.He made me cry myself to sleep. In a dream that was as fragile as an eggshell and could wake up at any moment, I vaguely heard the doctor say something to me. I listened quietly. I have no memory of what he said, I just remember that I kept saying yes like a good boy.it is good. Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well... The Dali painting on the wall of the clinic dissolved. The limp clock slowly slid down the dead branch in the painting, fell on the beach, slipped out of the border of the picture frame, and fell on me.The whole clinic is dissolved.The sofa dissolves.The doctor's face dissolved.The limp clock dissolves in my stomach.My body, my senses, my consciousness dissolved with everything. Only dreams remain. And then the dream dissolves too. When I opened my eyes sleepily, I was already lying on the big bed in the hotel with a splitting headache. I know I already have an unrivaled ticking time bomb in my head. This is me in this life, the luckiest thing I have got.