Chapter 6 Chapter 6 Xiao Bai's World

Today I am a little manic, not because my depression has become bidirectional, but because today is Yumo's birthday.Yumo's family is not in this city, so I want to help her have a good birthday.The freedom and privilege Xiao Bai gave me is only limited to the mental hospital. I have to leave the hospital to buy gifts and cakes, and I have to beg Xiao Bai.I walked back and forth in the ward hesitantly, I really didn't want to beg that hypocrite guy, and had to endure his mean smile.It was near noon before I made up my mind to try it.If he doesn't agree, I'll find a chance to climb over the wall and go out.

When I came to the door of his office, he had just finished his work and was eating with a lunch box.There is a cafeteria in the mental hospital, but in order to prevent accidents, that is, we are afraid that we will take the opportunity to "break out of prison", so the meals of the patients are eaten in the ward.When it’s time to eat, the chefs in the cafeteria will come over with the meals, and let us grab the lunch boxes to eat.Some patients who cannot take care of themselves have to rely on nurses to feed them bite by bite. Doctors and nurses can go to the cafeteria, but in order to save trouble and monitor patients at all times, they eat with patients in the building.They really worked very hard. From work to get off work, their nerves never let up for a moment.Nurses are the hardest, and they have to feed the patients before they can eat.

I knocked on the door. "Come in!" he yelled vaguely with a mouthful of food in his mouth.Seeing that it was me, he put on that mean smile again, "There is no eavesdropping on today's show, the judge, you entered the wrong show." I will endure!Grandson, if you don't want to ask for something, whoever comes to you will not be happy! I recited the word "forbearance" ten thousand times in my heart, and then slowly said: "Doctor Xiao, can I go out for a while?" "Where are you going?" He asked, staring at the computer in front of him intently.

"Just a few hours after being discharged from the hospital..." I said in a pleading tone. "What are you going to do?" He asked again, still looking at the computer.I don't think it's going to work, this guy has long disliked me. "What are you going to do?" Seeing that I hadn't answered for a long time, he thought I didn't hear clearly, so he asked again. "Nothing, just... go out for a while." I replied hesitantly. "If you don't do anything, then what are you going to do?" He swallowed another big mouthful of food, and replied unhurriedly.His eyes were still focused on the computer, not knowing what pornography and violence he was looking at.When I heard his words, I knew there was no play.

"Forget it..." I said something, turned around and left.I'd better see the opportunity to jump over the wall and get out later, rather than looking at this guy's face. "Don't forget it, don't you want to go shopping in hospital clothes for a while? Then we have to catch you, how troublesome, isn't it?" He put down his lunch box and looked at me with a mean smile. I stopped and froze there.This guy didn't know when he guessed my mind again. Now that he guessed it, I can't leave.It is estimated that he will cancel the "freedom privilege" he gave me next.

He swallowed his food, and said slowly: "Tang Ping, don't keep everything in your heart, where do you have so many little secrets? Just say what you want to go out to do, and I'll see the situation and it will be over." Well. If you don’t try, how do you know you won’t succeed?” "I...I want to go out and buy a birthday present for Yu Mo, her birthday is today." I said honestly. Then he looked at me with more meaningful eyes, and the smile on the corner of his mouth became more and more cheap, more and more cheap! I suppressed the nausea rising in my chest and asked, "Is it okay?"

"Of course... no!" He dragged his tone and answered neatly with a tail. grandson!Sooner or later I will clean up your day!Suppressing the anger in my heart, I kicked up and turned around. "Where are you going?" he added. I glanced at him angrily, "Go back to the ward, where else can I go!" "How do you go out in hospital clothes like this? Go to the storage room and change. I can accompany you out during the lunch break." "Ah?" I was taken aback, "Isn't it...you need to go through the formalities?" "You don't need it if I'm with you."

"Oh……" After I changed my clothes, Xiao Bai also took off his white coat, and accompanied me to sign for my money. Walking out of the big iron gate of the mental hospital, I felt light all over, and finally understood the back of the thin man running away, it was the taste of freedom.Xiao Bai took off his white coat and looked much younger.The moment I walked out of the mental hospital, I saw his face stretched out, as if he had let go of many burdens in an instant. He glanced at me, "Where are we going first? I only have two and a half hours to rest." "Let's go to the cake shop to order the cake first, and then pick out the presents, and come back just to pick up the cake." I replied.

He smiled meanly, "You're quite thoughtful." I was in a great mood to be able to come out, so I couldn't bear his cheap laugh, ignored him, and walked towards the nearest cake shop.For the first time, I found this noisy city so charming. I was like a farmer who had just entered the city, and everything I saw was new.Cars, crowds, high-rise buildings, small shops everywhere...all these are so familiar, long-lost familiarity.I found that the city has become more beautiful than it was more than two months ago.Or maybe it's not the city that has changed, but the way I see things has changed.

"Here comes the bus!" he said. "Let's go, I want to go." I said. Xiao Bai didn't speak any more, just silently followed behind me, staring at me and smiling. After walking for ten minutes, we came to the nearest cake shop and ordered a large chocolate cake.Yumo likes to eat chocolate, I know. Buy a bigger cake and share it with the patients in the same room. Yumo's popularity will be much better, and her later days will be much happier.In fact, I am quite good at thinking for others, and Xiao Bai is really right about me.After paying the deposit and writing the blessings to be painted on the cake, the next step is to choose a gift.

What gift should I choose?What kind of gift would Yumo like?I thought about it. "Let's buy flowers first." Xiao Bai said. You see why I hate him, your right to privacy is in vain with this guy. I gave him a disgusted look.At this moment, a scream came: "Help! Help my child!" Xiao Bai turned around and ran towards the direction of the sound almost subconsciously, like a soldier who heard the commander's order without any hesitation, this had become an instinctive reaction of his. I also ran out of the store with him, but at the moment I ran out of the store, my dialectical materialism broke out again: this seemed to be a bad scene in a movie, and someone happened to have an accident, and there happened to be a doctor.Then the doctor successfully saved the life, and happily accepted the award, and the crowd applauded enthusiastically.The story ends here, the doctor's back gradually zooms in and out in front of the camera, and finally his resolute eyes are photographed, and he said the last sentence lightly-this is what I should do. I'm tired of watching this kind of plot, what's different this time? Sure enough, a dark crowd surrounded the store more than ten meters away. When he got close to him, Xiao Bai shouted: "Get out of the way! I'm a doctor!" Immediately, a gap automatically appeared in the circle of people, and Xiao Bai reached the target like an arrow from the string. A mother squatted on the ground, holding her child in her arms, her anxious face was filled with helpless tears.The child was about seven years old, and his face had already turned into a liver color, and his two small hands were tightly pressing his throat. Xiao Bai flew over and snatched the child from her hand, laying it flat on the ground, "Swallowed something!" "Gum, it's chewing gum! He somehow sucked the gum down his throat! Save my child! Save my child..." the mother begged helplessly. "It's the trachea, not the throat." Xiao Bai said as he knelt down on one leg beside the child, and put his hands flat on the child's upper abdomen, "Son! Open your mouth! Open your mouth!" But the child had already fallen into a panic-stricken state of fear, clenched his teeth due to the tense pharyngeal nerves, no matter how much Xiao Bai yelled, he would not listen.Xiao Bai used the Heimlich technique (emergency rescue method for a foreign body stuck in the throat) to press the child's upper abdomen several times, but he failed to squeeze out the damn piece of chewing gum. "Small knife! Who has a small knife!" Xiao Bai roared.The child's hands and feet had convulsions, and time was running out. In a few minutes at most, the child would go into shock due to suffocation, and eventually die.In this case, the only rescue method is a tracheotomy, which is to pierce the trachea from the lower neck to supply oxygen to the lungs. A man squeezed out from the crowd, and hastily handed Xiao Bai a pocket Swiss Army knife.Xiao Bai took it, opened it, and did not have time to sterilize it, so he scraped his clothes twice with a knife.Then take a deep breath, press the child's collarbone with the left hand, open a gap in the middle of the lower neck with the index finger and middle finger, and quickly stab it with the knife in the right hand!The whole action was completed almost simultaneously, without any excess or worry.At that moment, I thought he was like a swordsman, a real swordsman with a deadly move. Seeing this, the child's mother screamed and fainted.Xiao Bai ignored it, and just picked it up with a knife, making the incision bigger, "Child, breathe in! Breathe in!" The child's chest heaved and I heard the sharp breathing from the tiny incision, the sound of life.Xiao Bai maintained this movement, looked around, and his eyes fell on me, "Pen! Give me your pen!" He shouted at me. I was taken aback, only to realize that I was still holding the ballpoint pen in the cake shop in my hand, and quickly handed it to him.He didn't answer because he had the child's life in his hands. "Come here, hold the child down for me!" he yelled again. I hurried over, replaced his left hand with both hands, and pressed the child's head and collarbone.For the first time I felt life flowing through my fingers, a child's life, a fleeting life. It turns out that this is life, and this is what it feels like as a doctor to save lives.Under my palm is holding a weak life, a responsibility.I am holding the hope of everyone who cares about this child. This hope is like a bubble that will burst and disappear at some point. I lost my thoughts just now, I know this is not a bad show, and this is not a movie.Movies can shout "Cut!" and can be reshot.Actors can die and go backstage smiling and removing their make-up. It cannot be done here, as long as Xiao Bai hesitates or makes a slight mistake in his actions, the child's life will be lost forever, and this hope like a bubble will disappear forever.Nobody here can yell "Cut!", and there's no chance to do it again. Xiao Bai freed his left hand, grabbed the ballpoint pen in my hand, bit the tip of the pen with his teeth, and twisted out the lower half of the ballpoint pen with his left hand, so that he got a temporary trachea connector. "Whoever still has a knife, help me expand the pen hole under this pen barrel." Xiao Bai shouted towards the crowd.Another man hurried over, took out a knife to widen the hole, and handed it back to him.He wiped the half of the ballpoint pen tube on his body again, this is the only "disinfection" he can do now.Then he raised his head again and shouted at the circle of people around him: "Spread out! Don't surround yourself, let the air in!" The circle of people quickly expanded, and everyone stepped back very consciously. He glanced at the child, the liver color on the child's face had gradually faded away, his chest rose and fell rhythmically, but a series of phlegm-filled blood bubbles were emerging from the incision. "Son, listen to uncle. When I tell you to stop breathing, you stop breathing immediately. Uncle will help you suck out the blood and phlegm in your throat, otherwise it will block your trachea. Do you understand? Don't talk, just understand Blink twice." Xiao Bai said word by word, because the child was very nervous at this moment. The child blinked twice, Xiao Bai gave a rewarding smile, "Good boy!" Then, after the child breathed for another minute, he began to say: "I will count down to three times, you stop breathing, 3... 2... 1!" , spit out, take another breath, spit out. "Okay, breathe! Good boy, breathe!" Xiao Bai said, and the child quickly took a few breaths. "Good boy, you've done a good job! You've done a good job! One more time, Uncle is going to help you connect the trachea. It's the same countdown three times, and you stop breathing. Do you understand? If you understand, just blink twice Eye." The child blinked twice again, and Xiao Bai nodded: "Good boy! Come on, get ready, 3...2...1!" Then he inserted the pen tube into the child's trachea next to the knife, and then inserted The knife was drawn out. "Good boy, breathe! Breathe!" Xiao Bai hastily said to the child after finishing the work. The child gasped for breath again, Xiao Bai touched the child's head, and moved his head closer to the child, "Good boy, look into uncle's eyes and don't move. Listen to uncle, don't swallow, don't cough, don't talk. Listen to uncle Password, calm your breathing, exhale...exhale...exhale...exhale...OK, you did a good job! Look into Uncle's eyes, pay attention to Uncle's eyes...Uncle's eyes hide a little secret ...Did you see it? Did you see the little secret in the uncle's eyes? Yes, it is here...Open the little secret in the uncle's eyes...you will see a colorful magic forest, where there are kings, princesses, princes, And the cute elf... have you found it? Yes, you have found it... come, come in, walk into this magical forest..." At first I didn't realize what he was doing, I thought he was telling a story.Until the child's painful expression gradually unfolded, his small eyes were slightly closed, and the corners of his mouth curled into a smile.Until Xiao Bai said that sentence: "Follow the voice of uncle, and walk into a deeper hypnosis... to the deepest part of the magic forest, where there are piles of happy candies... peel off the candy... there is another candy inside... …Peel it off again, and there’s another…” Three minutes, only three minutes this time.In three minutes, he put a child in agony with a tracheotomy into painless hypnosis.I witnessed this miracle firsthand, and I would have used the word "terrible" to describe his hypnotism in the old days.But now, I use "miracle" and he uses his miracle to erase the pain of the child. Some people around helped to make emergency calls, and after 20 minutes, the ambulance finally arrived.The child's mother has also woken up.When the doctor and nurse got off the car, they were stunned seeing the situation in front of them, until Xiao Bai nodded and smiled at them: "I am also a doctor." "Is... the child in shock?" the doctor asked. "No, it's hypnosis. Have you brought local anesthetic?" Xiao Bai asked. "Bring it!" "Okay, I'll wake him up, and you'll give him an injection after he wakes up. Send him to the hospital for wound disinfection first, and then change the tracheal tube. What's stuck in his trachea is chewing gum..." The doctor nodded repeatedly, and after Xiao Bai finished speaking, he helped the child out of the hypnosis and sent the child to the car.The surrounding crowd also gradually dispersed, no one applauded like in the movie, no one even said thank you to Xiao Bai.The child's mother got into the car together after waking up, maybe she didn't have time to thank her. The ambulance sped away, leaving a nurse behind. She asked and recorded Xiao Bai's work unit, home address, phone number in detail... Finally, she asked Xiao Bai to take out his ID card to check. "I'm sorry... Doctor Xiao, our hospital has to remember this, otherwise there will be no responsibilities or troubles in the future..." The nurse said apologetically before leaving. Xiao Bai nodded in understanding and gave her a professional smile. Xiao Bai looked at his clothes, his white shirt was already stained red with blood.He glanced at me: "I have to go home and change." "Yeah." I nodded. "Have you had this operation before?" I asked. He smiled wryly, then nodded again: "I did it on rabbits when I was in school." I froze, and wiped the child's cold sweat.Seeing his quick and easy movements without any hesitation, I thought he had already undergone the same operation many times! "By the way, what responsibility did the nurse say?" I asked in confusion. "Legal responsibility." He replied. "Is there a legal responsibility to save people?" I was stunned. He chuckled, "Not now, but the child's parents will be able to find out." "No way, you saved her child! She wouldn't repay her kindness like this!" I said in surprise. He didn't answer, just gave me a professional smile. "Even if you pursue it, what responsibility do you have?" He thought for a while, "Let me tell you a story." The place where the story happened is also on the side of the road, the same is a foreign object stuck in the throat, and the same is a child.The difference is that the one who saves lives in the story is a third-year medical student.He rushed forward resolutely and performed this tracheotomy with a pen tube.He successfully rescued the child, but due to the environment and conditions on the side of the road at that time, the child's wound suffered secondary bleeding and infection after being sent to the hospital.After the second operation in the hospital, the child's life was saved, but he has since become a mute who can't make a sound. Afterwards, the child's parents took the student to court.The court ruled that the student was not qualified to practice medicine, constituted a crime of illegal practice of medicine, and was liable for compensation to the child.He was sentenced to three months in prison with a two-year reprieve, and was sentenced to compensate the plaintiff 20,000 yuan. This matter became a hot topic in the public opinion, and this student was also pointed at and discussed secretly by his classmates in school.A month later, the student, looking dazed, jumped from the school's tallest roof and fell to his death in front of a statue of Hippocrates. When the police came, they saw his right hand clenched tightly. Break it open, inside is the pen tube that once saved the child... After hearing this story, I was silent. I know why he committed suicide in this way, because he wanted to take the pen tube to ask Hippocrates what was wrong with him?When did saving lives become a crime? And if I were that student instead, what should I do?If it is not saved, the child will definitely die, but I am fine.To save people, whether I can save this child or not, I have committed the crime of illegal medical practice.Should I save or not? "Is this story true?" I asked. He glanced at me helplessly, "This story happens every day. Now there is only one civil law that can barely support me to save people - emergency avoidance, but there are countless ones that can sue me. As for the situation I just had In other words, I have already constituted the crime of illegal medical practice. If there is any accident in the rescue process, I have to add a crime of negligence of self-confidence. Don’t think I am alarmist, but it is the defendant’s job to save people like this. The world is too numerous to mention. The law is not perfect, so that more people know how to stand by." I thought about it and said, "But you have a doctor's license!" "I'm a psychiatrist, not a surgeon." He gave me another professional smile. "If the other party succeeds in suing you, how will you be punished?" I asked. "It depends on what the court decides. It's possible to revoke the doctor's license, get a sentence and pay compensation." He replied indifferently. "Since you know this, why do you still go to save people?" I asked again. There was another professional smile on the corner of Xiao Bai's mouth. He raised his head and looked up at the sky for a long time before slowly saying: "Because I know that the vocation of a doctor is above everything else, including the law." This is his fourth professional smile. I sneered, "Don't say that you are so great, isn't there a doctor who is desperate to save you?" He sighed and said, "That's because they've become numb. The world has taught them the benefits of staying out of it. It's taught them to stand by." "You love your job?" I asked. "Love? Not at all. I didn't like doctors since I was a child. After becoming a psychiatrist, I don't like my job even more." He replied. I was taken aback, "Then why do you want to be a doctor?" "This is my mother's last wish. She wanted me to be a doctor. So, I became a doctor." There was a hint of sadness in his eyes. "Last wish?" I was taken aback again. "My mother died of a failed operation because the surgeon was distracted during the operation. Before she died, she told me that I would become a doctor when I grow up," he said. "This..." I didn't know what to say because I couldn't understand the story. "It was my mother's wisdom. She knew I was going to hate doctors, all doctors, so she taught me how to turn hate into love," he said. Just as he was saying this, he stopped, "Here we are, my house is in front of us." He pointed to a private house in front of him. The flat-roofed house, built in the 1990s, has very simple decoration. The house is ugly, but it is very big.He knocked on the door because he came out without a key.The door opened, and I was stunned, because it was the thin man who opened the door, the thin man who ran away from the entrance of the mental hospital. The thin man was very happy to see me, "Tang Ping! Why are you here!" Then he saw Xiao Bai's clothes, "Doctor Xiao, you are bleeding!" "No, it's the blood I wiped when I passed the pork stall in the market just now." Xiao Bai replied with a smile, and then pointed at me, "You guys catch up on the old days, I'll go change my clothes." When I entered the house, I realized that the house has five bedrooms and one living room. It is really a big house.But only one room belongs to Xiao Bai, and the rest have bunk beds.Including Thin Man, there were eight psychopaths, and I had no memory of seven of them. I had a casual chat with the thin man, and his mental state improved a lot, and he knew how to ask me when I would be discharged from the hospital, how the heroin and the fat man were doing.After chatting for a few words, he went back to work. He has already worked as a nurse in this house, taking care of patients who are more serious than him. I decided to ask Xiao Bai, I wonder if this guy has gone crazy. When I came to his room, he had already changed his clothes.His room is very messy, really messy, books, medicines, clothes... are piled up and crowded in his room.The only thing that was neat was the cabinet next to his bed, where a small flower pot was neatly placed, and white orchids were grown in the small flower pot.The flowers bloomed beautifully, and it could be seen that Xiao Bai had put a lot of effort into raising the potted flowers. Next to the white orchid is a large photo, in which the childish girl is smiling at me, but it is a black and white posthumous photo... Xiao Bai straightened his clothes and saw me staring at the photo, "This is my girlfriend, Su Xue." He said. This is not a sad tone, this is the tone of introducing a girlfriend. I have guessed in my mind for countless times what kind of woman Xiao Bai's girlfriend is and what kind of charm she has, but I never thought that it was actually a dead person. "Don't worry, I'm not crazy." Seeing me standing there, he smiled and said, "I know she's gone." He didn't use a word related to "death", just used a "departure". "Su Xue's favorite is the white orchid. She said that the white orchid is the most delicate, neither cold nor heat-resistant, afraid of dryness and humidity. She told me that she is as delicate as the white orchid, so I have to pamper her very carefully Just do it." Xiao Bai said affectionately, while taking half a glass of water with a water cup, carefully watering along the small flowerpot. "How did she... leave?" I thought about the words, and I thought it was better to use "leave". She and I graduated from the same university, we have been in love since junior year, she is studying advanced nursing.After graduation, we came to work together in this mental hospital.I'm a doctor, she's a nurse, and it was supposed to be a good story. But after less than a year of practice, I could no longer stand the hardship and depression in the mental hospital.I said I don't like doctors, and I don't like this job even more.I wanted to leave, but Su Xue wanted to stay, and she also persuaded me to stay.I can't figure out why a girl as delicate as her is suddenly stronger than me and can smile at every patient. I said that I will leave for a while, just for a while, I want to make plans for our future life.She didn't force me to stay anymore, and she knew that I was telling the truth.In this city, if you want to lay out the red carpet for the wedding, the meager salary in the mental hospital is far from enough. Then I went to a large conglomerate and started fighting for our future.The psychology I learned has been put to great use, whether it is in the workplace or in personnel and public relations, I can handle it with ease.In less than half a year, the boss of the company took a fancy to my comprehensive management ability and sent me to manage a branch in another city.After a year I had made enough money for us to get married. I went to buy a diamond ring, and I wanted to surprise her.On the day I went to pick up the diamond ring, I received the news that she had an accident.When she was on night shift in the hospital, she was too tired and fell asleep, and just like that, a manic patient smashed her head with a flower pot. As she said, she is as delicate as a white orchid, and she should be pampered, protected, and cared for carefully. I just left for a moment, just for a moment... Looking at the photo on the cabinet, Xiao Bai spoke affectionately, as if he was talking to his girlfriend. "Then... you went back to the mental hospital?" "There is her smell there, and I can see her occasionally. Every day when I go home, I will tell her what happened today, happy, unhappy, interesting, boring... I know she can hear, She knows I'm back." Xiao Bai said with a smile, with a little sadness. "You are back, but she has left, hasn't she?" I sighed.I finally understood why the nurses in the psychiatric hospital admired Xiao Bai, but kept a careful distance from him.Because they all know that this woman is irreplaceable in Xiao Bai's heart.I also finally understood the cold look in his eyes when he beat Pi San. At that time, he could really kill people. Xiao Bai rubbed his hands on the photo, "I know what you want to say. Actually, I understand that one day I will accept a new relationship, marry a wife and have children. I just hope that I can completely forget Su Xue Before, let her live in my heart for a while longer." "Don't you hate that patient?" I asked. "I hate myself, I hate myself for looking at her carelessly," he replied. At this moment, I saw the real him.He has a wise, calm, and tolerant professional image in front of patients, just like an invincible giant.Even in such a depressing environment in a mental hospital, he can still talk and laugh, playing with his humor that borders on caustic.But now I see his pain, his injuries, he's just a normal human being with flesh and blood. Just like my father.I used to be rebellious, and I would go against him in everything.Because he has always been so tall and unstoppable in my mind.Until one day I saw his gray hair and slightly hunched back, until I found out that he had aged quietly, I didn't know that I should grow up. We are self-willed, relying on the pampering of others. I looked at the messy room and the clean and tidy cabinet, and the girl in the photo was still smiling at me.I can understand why Xiao Bai went back to the mental hospital, but I can't understand why he would put his heart and soul into playing this loving character. "What about the skinny guy? You bring back every mental patient on the street?" I asked. He shook his head, "I'm not a god, I can't save so many people. If I meet and see, I will bring them back. If I don't see them, I won't look for them, and I will pretend they don't exist. I Tell myself they don't exist." "Since when?" "After I returned to the hospital, the first abandoned patient was a schizophrenic patient with depressive pseudodementia. His family traveled across several cities just to abandon him to the hospital. Only the first The deposit for the first time never appeared again, and even the contact number was fake. The hospital couldn’t apply for his medical assistance, so it had to give up on him in the end.” "How can the hospital abandon patients! Where is the hospital's medical ethics and conscience!" I yelled angrily. "Medical ethics and conscience?" Xiao Bai smiled wryly, "If medical ethics and conscience can be exchanged for their relief funds, which hospital will abandon them?" He sighed and began to tell these unknown things. Do you know how many places we go to apply for uninsured benefits for every patient who is abandoned by their families?But the civil affairs department said that he had a guardian and refused to approve it.He does have a guardian, but where are we going to find his guardian? You have also seen the income of the mental hospital.What do you think is the difference between an attending doctor with a monthly salary of 1,500 yuan in this city and a migrant worker?Our hospital has a one-year deadline for patients who defer payment of medical fees.A mental patient spends at least 20,000 yuan in medical expenses a year, all of which are paid by the hospital itself. Our salaries are often delayed, not to mention bonuses.Because the income cannot make ends meet, because the funds return cannot meet the expenditure.Even as soon as the family members paid the fee, the finance and accounting department hurriedly used the money to pay the extremely poor workers as wages.We don't complain too much because we know why hospitals struggle with money.That's the patient abandoned by their family, that's their deadline and their hope. One year, this is the kindness of our entire mental hospital medical staff, and it is the only kindness we can afford.What we can do is to make the patient's condition get better as soon as possible within one year, so that he can take care of himself.Those who are unable to take care of themselves, even after a year, our hospital will continue to treat them.When the time comes, you can go to the fourth floor to have a look. Most of the patients there are patients who have been raised by the hospital for decades.That is, these patients have been pressing down on the financial operation of the hospital.The dean often said that this mental hospital is actually an orphanage, but it does not have the benefits of an orphanage.The subsidy allocated by the city every year is not worth 30% of these blank expenditures. Therefore, our doctors in charge are responsible for our own "big debtors", pick out those who are unable to take care of themselves, and let the hospital continue to support them.Those who have the ability to take care of themselves, at best, let them "return to society", at worst, they are "abandoned".The thin man was actually abandoned by me, I am the sinner, you can blame me.The thin man was selected by me out of four, and I had to give up one, otherwise the hospital, which was so fragile that it had reached its limit, would collapse completely. Thin people are schizophrenic and paranoid, the most difficult to treat, and the most uncooperative type of treatment.You saw how he resisted treatment.That is, his extreme resistance, which prevented me from fully recovering him for a year.But the paranoid schizophrenia has the great advantage of being mostly cognitive and completely self-care.That's why I chose him, at least he can take care of himself after going out. You said that Dr. Wang always prescribes new medicines and gets kickbacks, why?Because the rebate is given by the drug dealer, it will not increase the burden on the hospital. This is also the only place where a psychiatrist can "generate black income".Moreover, the area of ​​"black income generation" is very small, because antipsychotic drugs are very single, and there are only a handful of new drugs with rebates. I say that Dr. Wang is a good doctor because he prescribes the right medicine, and because he doesn't overprescribe or indiscriminately prescribe unnecessary medicine.Because he, like me, often pays medical expenses for such patients, using this "rebate".Isn't it funny?Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor often has the flavor of martial arts. Other doctors are afraid to mention kickbacks, but our psychiatrists are happy to mention it, because we think it is very humorous, this is our black humor. The abandoned patient, I saw him on the side of the road two days later.He squatted on the ground, watching the food stall in front of him and swallowing his saliva.In fact, I wanted to pretend that I didn't know him. I covered my face and walked in front of him, but he stopped me with one word.He recognized me and shouted: "Doctor Xiao, when will the hospital open? I'm hungry..." I bought him a meal, I told myself, that's all.I desperately told myself, just this one meal, there can be no more, your conscience is only this little, only this little! After paying the money in a hurry, I left. When I got back to the door, I found that he had been following me.Still holding the disposable lunch box in his hand, he stared blankly at me.I never thought I was so kind, but his eyes pierced my heart. I slam the door, shower, watch TV, sleep.Tossing in bed until midnight, I found I couldn't fall asleep.I opened the door and saw him asleep in front of my house, curled up, shivering in the cold wind.I woke him up and let him into my house.At that time, I thought, as long as I found his family, it would be nothing to do with me. I tried my best to make him think of my home phone number or address. After thinking for a long time, he finally said a phone number in a daze.I called, and a man answered, maybe it was his brother.I gave his name and asked if he was his brother.There was silence on the phone for a while, and finally replied: "There is no such person, you made the wrong number!" I knew I was right, I heard the voice of his inner struggle.But by the time I called the number a second time, that number had been logged off.The voice lady's sweet voice came from the other end of the phone: "Sorry, the number you dialed is empty, please confirm before dialing..." This is my first time, and then there will be the next time, and the next time... Hearing this, who do you think should be blamed for what happened to them?Blame the hospital?怪民政？还是怪家属？ 现在已经有医保了，精神病也在医保范围内。可即使是这样，还是有家属不断地跨城市抛弃精神病人。甚至家属就在本市，我们将病人送到家门口，敲了半天门，他们也不开门。我们能怎么办？没有一家救助站、收容所、福利院愿意收这样的精神病患者。也没有一家单位愿意接收这样的病人去工作，让他们真正去回归社会。 要是能有一家专门的精神病福利院就好了，可是没有，没有啊…… 像你这类充满“正义感”的人听到这些事后会在网上、新闻上骂医院，说医院的良心被狗吃了。可你们做过什么呢？估计你们在路上看见这些疯子，也只会吐一口口水。isn't it?你们做过什么呢？我们是该骂，连我们自己都想骂自己，可我们能怎么办？我们只是这座发展中城市的一所精神病院，一所已经摇摇欲坠的精神病院。 即使是真正无保无家属的病人，要办一个无保医疗救助金，我们也要跑断了腿才能办下来。他们这些有家属的，就像一个足球大家相互踢着，逃避责任。 我们市还算好的，据说有些城市直接将街头游荡的精神病人和流浪汉抓起来，然后抛弃到乡村去。因为他们“影响市容”，所以将他们丢到不“影响”的地方去。任他们听天由命，任他们无家可归，任他们老死在街头巷尾。 每次医院抛弃病人，我们都会给他们一点钱，这是我们最后能消费得起的仁慈。回医院的车上，男的会呆滞地抽着烟，女的会在一旁抹眼泪。谁也不愿意去做这事，我们是医务工作者，我们信誓旦旦地宣誓过要救死扶伤，可我们现在在干什么？不是我们不想履行承诺，而是我们不能。我们不能，你明白么？ 所以这事我包了，我来负责抛弃病人，我来当罪人。他们在精神病院里已经够辛苦够压抑了，不能再让他们增加心理负担。其实我很希望有人能去告发我，那样我就可以进监狱，可以不用再面对这一切。Isn't it ridiculous?我一个精神科主治医生这辈子最大的梦想就是能进监狱。 每次抛弃病人，我都会选在我家附近。那样他们就有可能找到我，那样我就无法拒绝他们。我并没有多善良，所以我需要给自己一个理由，也给他们一个理由，我只有这样逼自己，才能一直这么做下去。 其实单纯养一个精神病人比在医院花费少得多，抗精神病药物大多很便宜，特别是我直接从药商那儿买的话，更便宜。主要是伙食和杂费的花销比较大，我算过一笔账，每人一个月五百块足够了。所以我开始的时候还请了专人照顾他们，但随着我带回来的病人越来越多，我才发现这是一个天文数字。而且也请不来人了，没人肯干这么辛苦的活儿，我也开不起更高的工资。 我这儿的条件很简陋，只能保证药物和一日三餐的供应，但对他们来说已经是天堂。你见过大街上那些蓬头垢面、衣不蔽体的精神病人吗？他们双手抓着垃圾桶翻来的食物，幸福地冲着天空微笑，微笑得就像个孩子，什么都不懂的孩子。高贵的路人掩着鼻，驱赶着，唾骂着……他们依然还在微笑，其实他们不傻，但他们只能微笑。因为如果他们不微笑，而是发怒，那会换来路人的一顿毒打。所以他们只能继续微笑，微笑得像个孩子。 令我开心的是很多病人顺利回归了社会，我跑了不少地方帮他们找工作。刚开始我以为说他们是精神病人，会得到更多同情，结果没一家敢收。后来我开始懂得帮他们隐瞒病情，教他们隐瞒病情。他们也做不了多好的工作，一般都是蓝领以下的底层工作。 他们很自觉，有工资以后都搬出去租房子住，腾地方给新病人。有时间就回来帮忙照顾病人，病人也相互照顾着。就像无家可归的孩子，他们突然懂事了许多，他们开始相互照顾，相互看护，相互治愈。在我看来，这是个奇迹，就像看到一个孩子突然懂事了，这种喜悦是难以言喻的。 我很累，每天下班后还要回家继续上班，几乎每天晚上我都要忙到12点过后才能睡觉。但看着一个个的病人顺利回归了社会，我就觉得很欣慰。我的付出有了回报，不是钱，是良心的慰藉。这两年内，我就将我以前的积蓄花了个精光，那是我准备和苏雪结婚买房子的钱。 “我想苏雪会同意我这么做的，她比我要善良得多，换了她肯定也会这么做。”萧白的拇指在那张黑白遗照的脸蛋上摩挲着。 我终于看懂了他的贪婪，他对金钱的渴望。他确实需要钱，但不是为了他自己。他一再重申自己并没有多善良，我知道他说的是实话。只有懂得反省自己并没有多善良的人，才会去做更多的善事，来面对良心的责骂。 他放下苏雪的相片叹了口气，继续说道：“我曾想过离开这行，去找一份高报酬的工作，不然我很快就要养不起他们了。但我又放不下医院里的那些病人。” “你知道为什么精神科的医生和护士都还坚持在那个岗位上吗？甚至是刚来没多久就闹着要辞职的小护士，最终也会留下来，而且一留下来就不肯走了？”他看着我，问道。 我摇了摇头，我只是又想起了他说过的那句话：“能走就快走吧……别回头。这里是泥潭沼泽啊，一旦深陷其中，想走也走不了了……” 以前我以为是萧白玩弄他的心理学，哄那些护士留了下来。现在看来不是，应该不是。但是我真的不懂，为什么那点微薄的工资能留住她们？她们每一个都有着无限的前程，为什么要将自己的前程囚禁在精神病院里？ “因为她们已经找到了自己生命的意义。”他认真地说道。 然后他突然站了起来，举起握拳的右手，一字一顿地念道：“我，萧白，庄严宣誓：健康所系，性命相托。我志愿献身医学！我决心竭尽全力除人类之病痛，助健康之完美，维护医术的圣洁和荣誉！恪守医德，救死扶伤，不辞艰辛！执著追求，为人类身心健康奋斗终生！” “这是我的毕业誓词，我还记得。”他嗤鼻一笑，然后继续说道：“宣誓……多可笑的东西，一段跟着别人念的话而已，谁会把它当真啊？我在念这段誓词的时候，还在想着：终于毕业了，我要赶紧找一份好工作。到时看看能不能托关系，找一个福利好工资高的医院，要是能多拿回扣和红包就更好了。” “可是等我来到这家精神病院之后，我才发现我正在一丝不苟地遵守我的誓言，兑现我的承诺。这所精神病院太干净了，我甚至都找不到违背这段誓词的方式。我正在做一名真正的医生，真正在治病救人的医生。我说不清这种感觉，但我知道这感觉有多真实，多神圣。” “护士们也一样，她们也找到了这种感觉，找到了自己生命的意义。她们在那里燃烧生命，照亮病人灵魂归来的路。所以她们都是我心目中的天使，真正的白衣天使，落入凡间的精灵。” 萧白深情地说着，然后微微一笑，他笑得很忧伤，他说：“我会给每个新来的护士讲一个故事，地藏菩萨的故事。地藏原是高高在上的神，却自愿落入凡间变成了人，堕落于地狱六道，拯救苍生。众佛不解，问她为何？地藏说：'众生度尽，方证菩提；地狱未空，誓不成佛！'” “我只给她们讲了这个故事，我告诉她们这里是地狱，是泥潭沼泽。她们可以离开去奔赴自己光明的前程，或者留下，成为苦地藏。然而……她们都听懂了，留下了，不肯走了。” 我也听懂了。 没有黑暗，也就无所谓光明。没有平凡，也就无所谓伟大。它们对立着，却又相互依存着。 众生度尽，方证菩提；地狱未空，誓不成佛！ 护士们听懂了，因为她们在这里找回了自己的誓言，兑现着自己的承诺。健康所系，性命相托！她们为了伟大神圣的誓言而甘于平凡，她们平凡着，微笑着，因为她们知道已经找到了自己生命的意义。 是的，她们是落入凡间的精灵，是精神病院里的白衣天使。 萧白看了看表，笑着说道：“走吧，去买礼物，别耽误时间了。” 我没有回过神来，我还停在他的故事里，不肯走。我以前认为人都是自私的，伪善的，暴虐的。直到现在我看到了这些，听到了这些，我才知道我错了。其实人都是怯懦的，不敢正视自己的良心，所以才一再说服自己，要麻木，一定要麻木。麻木了就不用再面对自己的良心，麻木了你就能过得更好，得到更多。 其实萧白从一开始就是个普通人，他更不想当这个英雄，他知道当英雄要付出多大的代价。但是这群被抛弃的精神病人需要这么一个人，他们以为他就是这个人，所以一路跟随着他，纠缠着他。 萧白唯一的弱点就是还不够麻木，所以他还有那么一点良心，就是那么一点就足够了。所以他停下脚步，请顿饭，打开了门。所以第一次，下一次，再下一次……他并不想当这个人，但是不知不觉间他已经成为了这个人。这就是人的善，一旦开始，就无法停止。我开始相信一句话：人之初，性本善。 萧白说他并不是神，他救不了这么多人。可他不知道的是，在他说这句话的时候，他已经是这群病人眼中的神，也只有神才有这种拯救世人于水火的悲悯宏愿。所以我从不认为那些躲在深山禅寺里拼命修炼参禅的道士和尚，有一天能终成正果。不见人间疾苦，何以悟道？不救落难苍生，堪敢称神？ 所以我知道萧白那句话的潜意：我要是神多好，那样我就能救更多的人。 “唐平？”他又喊了我一声。 就在他喊醒我的一瞬，一个念头从我脑海里一闪而过。因为业务需要，我自修过一段时间的法律，有个想法正在我的脑海里逐渐成形。 “哦，萧医生。我去和瘦子说几句话，说完我们就走。”我赶紧回答，然后快步走到另一个房间，拉着瘦子到一旁说了几句我准备好的话。 然后我们就去为雨默买好了花，还有礼物，礼物是一个毛绒小熊。我记得雨默说过，她以前床头就一直摆着这个小熊。接着我们又领好了蛋糕，然后赶在两点以前回到了精神病院。我们先藏着这些，等晚上再给雨默一个惊喜。 就在快到五点的时候，110警车就开进了精神病院，一个垂头丧气的警官押着瘦子和那七个精神病人从车里出来。他们八个病人大踏步地走进男病号楼，浩浩荡荡，脸上却是压抑不住的欣喜——他们回家了！ 萧白看呆了，警官垂头丧气地指了指后面的八个宝贝：“这群家伙不知道怎么了，集体去砸了市政府宣传栏的玻璃，还把市政府大闹了一通。市长都快气疯了，但无论问他们什么，他们都只有一句：我们是精神病人！” “萧医生，你有他们的病历证明吗？”警官问。 “有！有有！”萧白赶紧去将他们的病历都拿出来给警官看。 警官看完了无奈地点了点头，“那我就不再送回去，直接放你们医院了。按我市肇事精神病人的规定，他们属于强制医疗的范畴，我们会负责申请划拨相关的治疗费用。” “好，好好……”萧白说话都结巴了，连连点着头。 我第一次看到冷静的萧白说话这么结巴，我知道他为什么结巴，那是高兴的。 警官走了以后，萧白马上去安排他们的病房和床位。我看到他在那儿忙着，笑着，像个孩子一样地傻笑着，那是发自内心的笑。护士们也笑着，她们笑着，笑着，泪流满面。她们抹了抹眼泪，继续笑着…… do you know?人在最高兴的时候也会流泪的…… 萧白忙完了一切，才回过神来，他看到了我在这里享受地看着。 “你教瘦子他们这么做的？”萧白问。 我点了点头，“既然申请不了无保，那就去肇事吧，反正一样可以进精神病院。” “你不怕警方查出来，告你教唆精神病人肇事？”他傻笑着问。 “别忘了，我也是精神病人。”我得意地回道，然后我又愣住了，“按理说，这个你应该比我懂的，为什么不这么做？” 他摇了摇头，说：“我当然懂，我只是怕他们不是被送来精神病院，而是偷偷被抛弃到乡下去，我冒不起这个险……” 我语塞了，原来我刚刚做了一件这么危险的事。连我自己都没发现，我差一点就将瘦子他们推进火坑。不过还好，总算是成功了。还好，我们有一个负责的市政府。真的，我从未像现在这样感激我们的市政府。 从那以后，市政府宣传栏的玻璃窗经常碎。我们一听到消息就会笑，因为我们知道，他们又可以回家了。这里就是他们的家，这里有真正爱他们、保护他们、治疗他们的人。 法律规定是死的，人是活的，所以法律也可以很灵活。我知道我在犯罪，我犯了教唆精神病人肇事罪。如果这算犯罪的话，我很荣幸我能犯这个罪。我会为我的罪感到极大的光荣，我愿意为我的罪微笑着接受审判和惩罚。 法律规定是公正的，这点我毫不怀疑。但法律是合情合理的吗？就像这些被家属抛弃的精神病人，他们无法从民政部门那里申请来无保医疗救助金，却可以通过犯罪来获得强制医疗。我真的很想问一句：这样的法律和规定算不算在教唆犯罪？ 如果答案是肯定的，那我再请问一句：法律都能犯罪，为什么我不能？ 如果答案是否定的，那我也请问一句：如果这样不算犯罪，那我的罪还算不算罪？ 你可以说我在狡辩、诡辩。但我不是在逃避我的罪，相反，我很愿意承认我的罪，因为我认为能犯这个罪，是我的荣幸。 其实我并不是在质疑法律，或者在教唆犯罪。我只是希望法律能更完善些，社保和公益机构能更健全些，给他们一个安生之所。我只是希望能有更多的人来关注这个群体，这个被社会刻意忽视和抛弃的弱势群体。 后来萧白的那个“私人医院”还在继续开着，作为一个临时安置处。在“砸玻璃”之前，先安置治疗一段时间。等他们懂得怎么执行这个“任务”时，再放出去。我真的很感谢我们能有这么一个负责的市政府，他们并没有推卸或者逃避责任，而是原原本本地将他们送回了精神病院，给予强制医疗。 我从未像现在这样敬爱和感谢过我们的市政府，真的。 虽然萧白还是一样的辛苦，但压力比之前小多了，他也不用再为钱发愁了。 还有萧白救过的那个孩子，他父母后来并没有找萧白的麻烦。人都是有良知的，我相信这点。不过那孩子的父母也没有向萧白表达过谢意，可能是忘了，也可能是太忙。不过萧白并不在意，真心帮人原本就不求酬谢。 下班后萧白并没有回家，因为现在他所有的病人都在医院里了，他不用急着赶回去加班。萧白和我，还有那八个刚回家的宝贝，一起去帮雨默过了生日。 生日，这是母亲最痛苦的日子，也是你呱呱坠地的日子。所以在你庆祝生日的时候，千万别忘了感谢你的母亲。别忘了她是怎样付出自己的骨血，铸造和养育了你。也是从想到这点开始，我再也没出现过自杀的念头。否则我第一个对不起的，就是给予我骨血和生命的母亲。 自杀同时也是谋杀，有罪的，很深的罪，连死都无法逃脱的罪。因为你如果自杀成功了，你的罪将会降临到关心你的人身上，他们要替你接受审判和惩罚。 雨默很开心，她许了个愿，吹灭了蜡烛。我们开始分蛋糕吃，她将一块巧克力奶油刮到了我的鼻子上。我又从鼻子上刮下来，放到嘴里。 “甜的！”我说。 然后雨默就咯咯笑了起来。 “有什么好笑的？”我问。 “因为你很好笑嘛。”她答。 “哦。”我说。 她笑着笑着，眼泪下来了，她看着我，郑重地说了一句：“谢谢！” 我赶紧递了纸巾给她。 “谢谢！”她又再说了一次。 我知道人在最高兴的时候会哭，只是不知道她的眼泪是因为高兴，还是又想起了她的丈夫陶耀。 最可怕的情敌是死人，因为你永远无法将他打败，萧白就是一个最好的例子。他回到精神病院，只是因为这里还残留着苏雪的味道，还能看到苏雪的影子。他为了苏雪，谢绝了一切暧昧，囚禁着自己的感情来赎罪。我不知道苏雪还会在萧白的心里住多久才肯真正离去，萧白到什么时候才能宽恕自己。 我也不知道我和雨默的故事，会是怎样一个结局。我很茫然，我甚至都不知道我对雨默的感情算不算是爱。为什么命运会安排我在这里和雨默相遇，为什么要让我再次遇到她，难道真的有命中注定吗？ 茫然。其实我们每个人都有过这种时刻，不知道接下来会出现什么，发生什么。可能这才是活着的乐趣吧，未知的一切在前面等着我们，等着我们去发现，去改变。 以前我很喜欢找人替我算命，是为了验证算命这个东西准不准。现在我已经不敢了，我怕真的有这么一个人，精准地算出了我的一生。那我活下去还有什么意思，还有何乐趣可言？ 茫然，就是未知、待定。享受茫然，享受这未知的一切，享受这种感觉，我似乎已经开始懂了。