Chapter 18 Chapter 18 The Ridiculous List

On my way to your office, I passed a bulletin board and saw a poster for a concert.I was looking at the poster and was about to take a sip of coffee when suddenly, I noticed another flyer under the poster.The flyer seemed familiar, and I pulled it out.My God, Doctor, this flyer has my picture--my face printed on it--and a line that reads, LET'S MISSING REALTORS.I just stared at it like that, until a drop of water fell on my hand, and I didn't realize that I was crying. Maybe I should print another flyer: still missing.Because that smiling face belongs to who I was, not who I am now.It must have been Luke who gave them the picture—he took it for me on our first Christmas morning together.At the time, he had just given me a beautiful Christmas card, and I smiled at him with great joy.Thinking about the past, my hands trembled, as if what I was holding was not hot coffee, but cold ice cubes.

I threw that flyer in the trash outside your office and still want to go back and dig it out.But when it came out, I didn't know what to do with it. Now that my surprise of just seeing a photo of myself is behind me, I really want to talk about it.What happened when I finally sat down to make a to-do list as you and others have suggested.Yes, that's what Freud did, and I took your advice.I had to do something - I couldn't just sit there and scare myself with the burglary. There was always a voice inside me saying, "My car is parked in the driveway, so the thief must have seen Emma and me go out. How long has he been watching the house? Days, weeks, or what?" Months? What if he wasn't a thief?"

And then, for the next few hours, I'm telling myself, I'm an idiot—the police were right, it was just a fluke.A stupid thief scared by an alarm.But those voices still come.Someone is watching you right now.As soon as you let your guard down, he will take you away.You can't trust anyone. Like I said, I had to do something. I started by listing the names of those closest to me—Luke, Christina, Mom, Wayne, other relatives like Tamara, cousin Jason, Aunt Val and her husband Mark—and then , I made a column next to each name of why they might want to hurt me, and of course I couldn't write anything other than feel like a complete fool.

Then I made a list of all the people I might have offended—former clients, colleagues, and ex-boyfriends.I have never been sued, the only real estate agent who might have had a problem with me was the one who was competing with me to sell the project before I was kidnapped, I may occasionally break someone's heart, but never did anything worthwhile Let them maliciously retaliate.I even wrote down the names of a few of Luke's ex-girlfriends—one of whom was still in love with Luke after I started dating him, but who had moved to Europe before I was kidnapped.I also wrote down the pervert's name, and wrote "dead" next to it.

I sat at the table and stared at this ridiculous list, next to each name was getting the item they wanted for sale, not calling them back, not selling their house fast enough, borrowing a CD There was no repayment or anything like that, and I wanted to believe that one of them was lying in ambush outside my house, waiting for a chance to break in and "take me away", but I shook my head, thinking I must be crazy. Of course it was just a thief, maybe a teenage drug addict trying to get some money for drugs.Now, he knows that my house has an alarm system, and he will definitely not come again.

Gosh, I feel like a fool to make this list, but I'm glad I did.That night, I slept soundly and peacefully in my own bed.By the time Luke came to help me install the accounting software on a Saturday afternoon, I felt like I was mentally prepared for everything. I wanted to look casual, but not sloppy, so I rummaged through the suitcase Christina had brought me and found a pair of beige overalls and a light blue T-shirt.I still kind of wanted to just wear a sweatshirt and mess up the house a little bit, and when I saw myself in the mirror, I thought it was pretty good, so I didn't change it again.

I didn't have time to cut my hair, so I washed it and tied it up.I finally put on a little weight—it never occurred to me that being fat could be a joy—and my face looked rounder. I was hesitant to wear makeup - my mother brought me a bag of cosmetics when I was still in the hospital - none of the colors or brands I liked.Anyway, I don't want people to notice my face, and besides, that pervert once told me that make-up is only for prostitutes.In the end, I just put on some moisturizer, put on a light pink lip balm, and brushed my lashes.I may not be as pretty as I used to be, but I'm definitely better looking than I was at my worst.

However, Luke looked very surprised when he saw me.He must have just come off work, because he was still wearing the restaurant uniform of black trousers and an orange T-shirt, which suited his dark skin and brown eyes. Emma came running, wagging her head at his feet.He said "Hello" and I said "Hello" back in a barely audible voice and stepped back to let him in.We stood in the foyer, and the atmosphere was a little awkward.He raised one hand, as if intending to give me a hug, and put it down again.Not surprising, considering how I reacted the last two times he touched me.

He knelt down and patted Emma's head: "It looks good, doesn't it? I wanted to bring Diesel along, but I was afraid that they would have a falling out together." I said to the top of his head, "I'm not a patient." "I never said you were." He still squatted, raised his head, and looked into my eyes with a smile, "Then let's take a look at this software? By the way, you look beautiful today." I stared at him, feeling my face heat up.he laughed.I turned around quickly and almost stepped on Emma.I said, "Then let's go to my study."

For the next hour, he told me how to install the program, and then tried to use the system again together.I love learning new things and it's nice to have a new focus between us - it's hard enough readjusting to having him sitting next to me. He was explaining to me how to use a program when I suddenly said, "The last time you saw me walking out of the store? I saw you with a girl. That's why I hurried away ". "Annie, I..." "When you came to see me in the hospital, you were so nice, you gave me flowers, you fed my dog ​​well, but I really couldn't help it—couldn't face you, couldn't face anything .Later, I had the nurse tell you that all I saw was family and the police. I hated myself for doing this, you are so good, you have always been so good, and I…”

"Annie, the day you were kidnapped... I was late." Oh, this is the first time I heard him say it. "There was so much going on in the restaurant that I forgot the time - I even forgot to call you when you were off work, I always used to call you when I was finally done, on my way to your house It was half an hour later and you didn't pick up. I think you might just lose your temper. When I got there, I found that your car was not there. I guess you might be talking to a client, So I went home. It wasn't until an hour later, when you didn't call back, that I ran over to the house you said you were selling..." He took a deep breath. "Omg, when I saw your car still parked in the driveway with all your stuff dumped on the cupboards... I called your mom right away." Mom went to call the police.She and Luke met at the police station, and she told the officer on duty that I never miss my boyfriend.In that house, the police also found my satchel in a locker, where I usually keep my bag so I don't lose it.Since there was no sign of struggle at the scene, Luke became their primary object of suspicion from the very beginning. "After a few weeks, I started drinking at restaurants every night after get off work." "But you never..." "At that time, I did a lot of stupid things, things that I would never do normally..." I don't know what kind of stupid thing he said, he looked so sad, his face was flushed.I said, "Don't blame yourself, you've handled it well, you're better than me. Are you still drinking so much now?" "After a few months, I knew I couldn't live without alcohol, so I quit my job. At that time, everyone thought you were dead. I don't think you are dead. They thought they would never find you again. Many Sometimes, I really blame you. I know it's completely unreasonable, but I can't help but want to blame you. I never told you, I don't like you selling houses - so, I always end up at the end of your work I called you later. You are too kind to others, and men sometimes misunderstand." "That's my job, Luke. You're so nice to people when you work in the restaurant..." "But I'm a guy, and that created some problems. I was going crazy." Emma poked her head over, breaking the tension between us.We touched it a few times, and when I asked where its toy ball was, it ran away again. "I've had a couple of dates with that girl you saw last time, and I keep telling her about you and about you, so I know, I'm not ready. What I'm trying to say is, Annie , I'm as confused as you are - we've all changed. But I know, I still care about you, I still love being with you. I just wish I could help you. You used to always say, you're great with me sense of security." He gave a sad smile. "I did feel safe with you before, but now, no one can make me feel safe. I have to get through this on my own." He nodded: "I understand." "That's good, now, can you help me figure out how to use this ghost software?" he laughed. About twenty minutes later, the software was finally done, and I was hesitating whether to keep him for dinner, but he said he had to go back to work in the restaurant.He stood at the door, turned to face me, hesitated for a second, then raised his eyebrows, raised his hand slightly, I walked towards him, and he hugged me.There was a moment when I felt like I was stuck and just wanted to break free, but I held back.I just put my head against his chest and breathed in the smell of his clothes—a diner smell of oregano, toast, and garlic.But it smells like dinner with old friends, like red wine and laughter, like the smell of happiness. He rested his head on my hair and murmured, "It's really nice to meet you, Anne." I nodded, and slowly let go of his embrace, squinting my eyes slightly, trying not to let the tears flow .Later, I was thinking, if I asked him to have dinner, I wondered if he would agree. When I thought about what to do if he didn't agree, I no longer regretted not keeping him.I used to be able to make quick decisions, but since I killed that pervert, I've always been hesitant.I still remember reading in a book that if you keep a bird in a cage for too long, then when you open the cage, the bird will not fly away immediately.I couldn't understand it before, but now, I understand it. After I killed the freak, I lay on the bed and gradually fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up with a throbbing pain in my chest-I was still lactating.The first thing I felt was the key in my hand.I still clutched that bunch of keys as I slept, leaving marks on my hands.Half asleep and half awake, I didn't understand why I was holding the key. I was afraid that the pervert would see it, so I quickly let go.I was jolted awake by the clang of the keys falling on the bed.He is dead.I killed him. I really want to go to the bathroom, but I look at my watch and there are still ten minutes before my allotted time to go to the bathroom.I still went, but I couldn't pee.Ten minutes later, the pee came out. I walked back to the bed and my shins touched the blanket that was draped over the basket.I picked up the blanket and pulled it over my face, breathing the last of the child's breath.My daughter is still out there all alone.I must find her. I put on a white dress and wet some pieces of cloth with cold water and tuck them into my bra to use as breast pads.Putting on my slippers, I walked to the river and searched in all directions until the woods or the cliffs blocked the way.Any big rock in the shape of a child in the distance will make me stop breathing nervously, but it's not the case when I walk over to see it.On a tree in the middle of the river, there was a bundle of cloth strips. When I first saw it, my knees began to shake. When I waded across, I found that it was just a pile of rags.I searched everywhere, but couldn't find any trace of her. I checked every corner of the open space in front of the house, looking for traces of the soil being turned over, but found nothing. I've even dug my hands into the dirt in the vegetable garden next to the cabin—it's not out of the question that freak buried her where we grow vegetables—and I've crawled into the raised floors under the cabin.Still nothing.The only place I haven't searched yet is the shed. All morning, with the summer sun beating down on the tin roof of the hut, I opened the door and was greeted by a smell of rotting corpses that made me sick.I grab a rag that still smells of gasoline off the stool and hold it to my nose.I focused, breathed only through my mouth, and tiptoed past his body.Flies hovered around the tarp, making a hum louder than the generator. With trembling hands, I flipped through the contents of the freezer.She wasn't in the freezer, and there were just lights, batteries, kerosene, rope, and the like on the shelves in the shed.I found a trapdoor on the ground. After opening, there was a staircase leading to the cellar. The damp and cold smell below was very fresh compared with the rotting corpse above.All I found in the cellar were some canned goods, household items, first aid meds, a few boxes and an old coffee can.Inside the coffee tin was a roll of bills tied with a pink hair-tie rubber band.I hope this rubber band doesn't belong to some girl he hurt.It wasn't a lot of money, so, I guess, he must have hidden money elsewhere.I didn't find his wallet, and when I got the key out of his pocket, I didn't find it, nor in the locker in the shed, though I never saw him take it.There was a key on the keychain that didn't fit any of the locks, I hoped it was his car key and that his car was hidden somewhere nearby with his wallet in it. I found a rifle, a pistol, and a lot of ammunition in a wooden box.I look at these things.I've never seen this pistol, it was probably the one he used to threaten me the day he kidnapped me.At this moment, I can still feel the muzzle of the gun against my back, as if I saw the handle of the gun sticking out of his belt.The pistol looks small compared to the rifle, but I hate both of them.One killed the duck, and the other brought me into this hell on earth.I touched the place on my back where the muzzle had touched.I closed the wooden box and pushed it behind the other boxes. Every time I opened a box, I was afraid that I would find the dead body of the child.But I opened the last box and found only my yellow dress and all my pictures and newspaper advertisements.As I opened the case, I caught a whiff of perfume, and I picked up the soft dress and held it to my face.I put my coat back on and it felt weird - like I was wearing a dead man's clothes.I put the dress back in the case, picked up the photo that I thought the freak had stolen from my office, and walked up the stairs, out into the sunlight. Now, where I haven't searched yet is the surrounding woods, I drank some cool water and stuffed some chocolate bars, first aid medicine and a thermos of hot water into a backpack I found in the cellar.I was just getting ready to go when I saw that picture of me next to the baby's blanket and her little pillow.I put them all in the backpack. I walked into the woods on the right side of the hut, and within a few steps, the sound of the rushing river and the cheerful birdsong disappeared, and I could only hear my own footsteps when I stepped on a thick layer of pine needles on the ground.That afternoon, I walked through the jungle, digging up every little mound, looking for a trace of rancid smell.I usually walk from the hut to the depths of the woods for fifteen minutes, and then stop, and then use this as a radius to search in all directions. After searching in all directions, I found a narrow path leading deeper into the woods at the edge of the woods.The roadside is full of dense white pearl trees and ferns. Occasionally, there will be traces of branches that have been cut down on the trunk, but these are not obvious anymore. It is through these traces that I can barely distinguish this path.Some fir trees are so tall that the tops of the trees cannot be seen at all. The diameter of the trunk is several meters, and the bark is covered with moss, which means that this forest is very humid.My current location should still be on Vancouver Island. The last time I looked at the cabin, I prayed that if there was a heaven—hoping that my daughter was already with my dad and Daisy—I had never wished for it more strongly than I did at that moment. I walked forward along the path, and seemed to see an exit in the woods far ahead. After walking for another five minutes, I had already walked out of the woods and walked onto an old gravel road.The road surface is full of potholes and there are no traces of car tires. It is estimated that it has been abandoned for a long time.I took a few more steps, and there was a sloping downhill on the right hand side of the road. I headed down that hill and found a small road that branched off from the main road.I thought that the place where the perverted car was hidden must not be far from the hut, so I decided to walk along this fork.The fork in the road is only the width of a car and is covered with weeds. If you drive by, you probably won't notice it at all.As we walked, the fork road turned a corner and was parallel to the main road. There was a bush about six or seven meters wide between the two roads. After walking for a long time, I suddenly saw a small white bone. I stopped, and my heart seemed to stop.I looked at the bone carefully and found that it was quite big, not like a child's bone. I walked a few steps and almost stepped on the skeleton of a deer. I walked until the end of the path, which ended in a patch of dead shrubs and trees.On the ground, a metal-like thing shone brightly in the sun.With trembling hands, I picked up the dead branches and leaves.In front of me was the brown van. I searched the locker and found neither the pervert's wallet nor any of his papers, not even a map.I lay down in the middle of the seat, looked at the dark rear compartment, and found something crumpled and thrown there, so I reached out to grab it.It was a gray blanket that he had used when he kidnapped me. The rough wool fibers in my hand and the smell in the cabin are all so familiar.I was so scared that I threw the blanket away, and turned around and sat on the seat as if I was on fire.I tried not to think about what had happened in the back of the car, and focused all my attention on how to start the car.I turn the key.Nothing happened. I hold my breath.Please, start it, please, start it... I turn the key again.Still nothing.It was extremely hot in the car, and I was already sweating profusely. I sat with my skirt up and felt that my legs had melted into the plastic seat.I rested my head on the hot steering wheel, took a few deep breaths, calmed down, and got out of the car to open the hood.As soon as I saw that the battery wire was disconnected, I reconnected it, fastened it, and tried firing it again.This time, the car started right away, and the car radio blared loudly, playing country music.It's been so long, too long since I've listened to music, I couldn't help laughing.I heard the radio anchor say, "... welcome back to the commercial-free music hour".I had absolutely no idea what station I was listening to, I tried to change the station but the knob on the radio was also off. I turned the car around and drove back along the path, passing a few small saplings on the road, and then I drove onto the main road.It was downhill for a long stretch, and I drove the car downhill slowly and carefully.After about half an hour, the car drove onto the cement road, and after another twenty minutes, the road became flat. Finally, I smelled the familiar smell of sea water, and a sulfur smell from the pulp mill, and I came to a small town.I stopped at the red light at the intersection and noticed a coffee shop on the left.The smell of bacon wafted in through the open car window, and I breathed in greedily.That pervert never allowed me to eat bacon, saying it would make me fat. I watched an old man sitting by the window, stuffing a slice of bacon into his mouth, and my mouth watered uncontrollably as he ate quickly, slice after slice.I want to eat too - I want a full plate of bacon and nothing but slices of bacon - and then I'll chew each slice and enjoy the salty sweetness gravy.Let's see what that pervert can do to me. The old man wiped his oily hands on his clothes.That perverted voice whispered in my head, you don't want to grow into a pig, Annie? I turned my head away.Across the street is a police station.