Chapter 15 Chapter 15 Betrayal

I didn't want to talk about what happened on the hill during my last session, thank you for not pushing me, I've had a hard time this past week, so, I still don't know if I'm ready to talk about it today - see you later .My sadness is like a storm.Sometimes, I can stand proudly in it, and when I am angry, I will challenge it to see if it dares to blow me down.But sometimes, I have to squat down again, hugged into a ball, and the wind and rain are still blowing my back.Lately, I've been in a squat position all the time. Well, you probably need a break, too—you're exposed to depressing stuff, aren't you?I also wish I could tell you some happy stories or say something wise to make you smile.When I leave here, it hurts me to think about you having to listen to all of my horrible experiences - it makes me feel selfish.But not enough for me to make a change.Everything that happened made me selfish.I have the right to grieve.

I said when I first came to you that I wanted to try therapy again for several reasons, but I never told you what it was that finally broke me Pretending to be a good hypocrisy bubble. That was one thing that happened at the grocery store - I only shop at night and always wear a baseball cap.I've considered shopping online, but goodness knows who they'll send to deliver, I've had enough of journalists trying to sneak into my house for all sorts of reasons.Anyway, that was the day, at the store, and a woman was bending over something from the bottom shelf.And it was no surprise, just a few steps behind her, that there was a small baby in her shopping cart, unattended by anyone.

I was going to just walk there, not to look at the little girl's white teeth and rose-like face, when I walked past her, she suddenly stretched out a small arm and waved towards me, I stopped Step down.I was like being attracted by a magnet, unable to control myself, I walked towards her involuntarily, and stretched out my hand.I just want to touch her little hand.That's all, I said to myself, just a moment.But she grabbed my outstretched finger and giggled.Hearing her laugh, her mother said, "That's my daughter. Samantha, Mommy will be here soon." Samantha, her name is Samantha.The name kept coming back to my mind, the woman was squatting to pick some canned food, I can see it now, it is baby food, I want to tell her, I once had a child, the most beautiful I have ever seen of a baby.She may ask me next, how old is my child, I don't want to say she has died, and then see her turn her eyes to her daughter, with a look of relief and gratitude in her eyes, because her daughter is still alive, Then, there will be a determination in her eyes - she will never let anything terrible happen to her daughter - the necessary confidence of a mother.

I tried to pull my fingers back, but Samantha gripped even tighter, spitting out a small bubble of saliva from the side of her mouth.I breathed in the smells of her—baby powder, diapers, and a faint scent of milk.i want her.How I want to reach out, hug her, into my arms, into my life. I secretly looked both sides of the corridor, no one, I was quickly counting how many steps I would need to escape successfully.I know that there should be only one cashier working in the store this late.Everything will be easy.I leaned over to the child, my heart pounding, and I noticed that the child's beautiful golden hair shimmered in the incandescent light of the store. I reached out my free hand and stroked a strand of it, like silk. Just as smooth.My daughter has black hair.This is not my child.My child is no longer there.

I took a step back and the mother just stood up and she saw me and walked towards us. "Hello?" she said with a hesitant smile. I want to say, what are you thinking?Just turn your back on your child like that.Don't you know that accidents can happen at any time?Don't you know how many bad guys are out there?Don't know how bad I am? "What a happy kid," I said, "and so pretty." "She's happy now, you didn't see her like an hour ago! It took a while to calm her down." She started babbling about the stress of being a mother, and I wanted to kill my soul. In exchange for this kind of pressure, I want to scold her for not being blessed while she is alive, and tell her that she should be happy for every cry of her child.But I didn't say anything, I just stood there, smiling and nodding once in a while, until finally, she let it out and asked, "Do you have any kids?"

I could feel myself shaking my head furiously, feel the smile on my lips disappear suddenly, and even feel my voice shaking when I said, "No. I don't have kids." My eyes must have betrayed me, because she smiled and said, "It will." I wanted to slap her, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw a fit, I wanted to cry, but I didn't, I just smiled, nodded, said goodbye and left. That's when I realized that maybe I wasn't doing a good enough job of dealing with myself.I kept thinking about that day and other similar crazy moves, and as a result, yesterday, I saw a little news in the paper that a woman I used to work with had just given birth to a boy.I sent her a card, and I knew, I couldn't be near that kid, even I didn't trust myself.The process of picking cards was a pain for me.I don't know why I'm doing this, it's just another pathetic attempt on my part to prove to myself that I can handle this, but obviously, I can't.

"Wayne and I want you to come to dinner tonight," Mom called on Tuesday afternoon. "I'm making a roast." "Oh, I just finished eating. I wish I had known." Actually, I didn't eat, but I would rather put my body on the charcoal fire, and I would rather eat the coal fire than go to my mother's house to listen. She nags.Only my mother has that kind of ability, which makes my mood worse.I'm already in such a bad mood that there's a film producer who keeps posting contracts on my door - he's even standing at the door trying to talk to me across the door, and every few minutes, he'll give me a ticket. The remuneration is increased, as if it is an auction.I think he's just wasting his energy.

I still remember watching "Titanic" many years ago.People ate popcorn and commented on how real the special effects shots in the movie looked, especially the bodies floating in the ocean.and I?I ran to the toilet and vomited.Because those people just died like that, hundreds of thousands of people, and those sitting there, licking their fingers, eating snacks, and marveling at how realistic the corpses in the cold sea water are.I don't think so. I really don't want others to take my life experience as a kind of entertainment and comment. "I called you at the beginning, but you didn't answer." Mom never said, "But you're not home", she always said, "But you didn't answer", in a tone full of blame, as if I deliberately He didn't answer the phone, deliberately trying to annoy her.

"I went out for a walk with Emma." "I left you a message, but you didn't check it, so what's the point of the answering machine?" "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm glad you called again, and I wanted to ask you something. Last night, I was looking for a picture of Daisy and Daddy, and I couldn't find it." I didn’t have many photos in the first place, many of them were given to me by my relatives, and the others were put in the album by my mother. She always told me vaguely, “Someday” she would give it to me.What annoyed me the most was that Mom still had a picture of just Dad, Daisy and me that she wouldn't give me - it's hard to find a picture without Mom in it.

"I remember I gave it to you when you moved back to your own home." "Why don't I remember, I searched everywhere that night..." I waited for a few seconds, she didn't give any explanation for the missing photos, I knew that if I didn't force her to ask, she would never take the initiative Said.However, I have other things to ask her. Over the years, I have learned how to match wits with her.Playing Russian roulette might not even be so dangerous. "Mom, do you miss Dad and Daisy?" An angry sigh came from the other end of the phone: "Of course I did. What a stupid question. By the way, what did you eat? Those canned foods are not nutritious at all. You are too skinny now."

"I'm telling you something serious, Mom." "We've already talked about..." "Actually, no, we didn't talk. I always wanted to talk to you because I always miss them all the time, especially when I was locked up in that cabin, but every time I said When it comes to this topic, you either talk about him, or you keep talking about Dai Qian's skating..." "Why are you doing this? Are you trying to break my heart on purpose or something?" "No! I just thought...well, I think...because I lost a daughter and you lost a daughter, I thought we could talk and maybe you have some ideas and can tell me what to do." Thoughts ?What the hell am I thinking?This woman's thoughts are probably not as deep as a glass of vodka. "I don't think I can help you, Annie. Your child . . . it's not the same thing at all." My heart beat faster and my voice became cold. "why?" "You won't understand." "Why? You should explain to me why my daughter's death is not as good as yours. I don't understand." Anger made my voice tremble. It hurts. "You are deliberately misinterpreting my words. Your child's death is of course a tragedy, Anne, but you cannot compare her with what happened to me." "It should be about what happened to Dai Qian?" "That's what you are, Anne, I called to ask you to come to dinner, and somehow you turned it into another opportunity to attack me. Really, sometimes, I think you just want to let I'm not feeling well." "If I really want to make myself feel bad, then I might as well stay with you, Mom." She gasped in surprise and hung up the phone harshly.I took Emma out the door angrily, and ran as hard as I could for half an hour, but after half an hour, I thought about the phone calls I might get next, the excitement of sports, the excitement after arguing with my mother. The anger disappeared.I think Wayne will call and tell me how I hurt my mother, how sad she is, how I should apologize to her, how I can understand her better-she is the only mother in my life , and this poor woman has been through so much.Meanwhile, I'd sit there thinking, why couldn't she try to understand me?What about all that I've been through? In the mountains, after my baby died, I woke up and stared at her blanket, my breasts started to ooze and wet the front of my clothes, as if they were crying for her, as if my The body also could not accept her death.The pervert found me awake, he came over, sat on the edge of the bed, and rubbed my back. "I got you ice cubes for your face." He put a pack of ice cubes next to my pillow. I pretended not to see, turned over, faced him, sat up and asked, "Where's my child?" He stared down at the floor. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I don't want her blanket, I want her." I slid off the edge of the bed and knelt in front of him. "Please, I beg you. I'd do anything." He still didn't look at me, so I turned and looked directly into his eyes. "I'm willing to do anything you ask me, as long as you tell me you take her..." I couldn't say the words about the body. "You can't always get what you want..." He suddenly hummed a Rolling Stones song. "If you have any sympathy, you should tell me..." "If I still have a little sympathy?" He jumped off the bed, arms on his hips, and walked back and forth. "Didn't I prove to you time and time again how compassionate I am? Wasn't I always there for you? Wasn't I still here for you after all the nasty things you've said to me I brought you her blanket so you could find some comfort and you just want her? She left you, Annie. Don't you understand? She left you and I'm the only one left I'm dead." I covered my ears with my hands, not wanting to hear his words, but he pulled my hands away and said, "She's dead, dead, dead, even if you know where she is, What's in it for you." "She left so suddenly, I just wanted to... I wanted to..." I just wanted to say goodbye. "You don't need to know where she is, not now, nor ever." He leaned forward, "You and me, that's enough. Now, it's time to make dinner." how should I do?How am I going to get through... "It's time, Anne." I stared blankly at him. He snapped his fingers and pointed to the kitchen.I took a few steps toward the kitchen, and he suddenly said, "Tonight, you can have an extra chocolate after dinner." That pervert never told me where the baby's body was, doctor, and I don't know now.The police also took the search and rescue dogs, but they still couldn't find her.I thought maybe he put her body in the river and let her float away peacefully.Whenever I hide in the closet and stay awake at night thinking that she might be buried alone on the mountain; when I have nightmares and wake up screaming and sweating, dreaming of beasts tearing at her body with fangs Every now and then, I would have that thought. I have no way of honoring my daughter - she has no cemetery and no mementoes left behind.The church in the town wanted to erect a tombstone for her, but I declined, because I knew that some perverted journalists and idlers would definitely go there to take pictures.I am her grave myself.So, when my mom said I was trying to make myself miserable on purpose, I got mad.Because she was so right. Luke called again that night, and when I told him I was taking Emma out for a walk and Emma fell into a puddle, I found myself laughing.Although I stopped laughing immediately, but after all, I laughed, and I actually laughed.I felt so ashamed, I felt like I was letting my kids down for even a moment of happiness.She was deprived of the power to live, to laugh and to feel, so if I laughed, I was betraying her. Last week, I didn't sleep in the closet, not once, and I should celebrate.We said last time that I should face up to my paranoid delusions, but I don’t need to react. I think your words are still helpful to me.Last night I couldn't stop myself from checking the front and back doors were locked but not all the windows I reminded myself I had checked during the day and since then I haven't opened any windows , so they should all be locked.For the first time since my return, I skipped the entire procedure of checking the doors and windows before going to bed at night. Things are also getting better with regards to toileting and the yoga cd you gave me was very helpful.Most of the time, when I need to go to the bathroom, I can go to the bathroom without any problems, even without any breathing exercises or shouting. As I said, I should be proud of my progress. I am indeed proud, but I feel even more guilty.The process of getting better made me feel like I was abandoning my daughter, which I had already done once.