Chapter 20 Chapter 19 Interview with Chen Jiao

On Christmas Eve in 2010, I went to Beijing to visit Chen Jiao.Her husband's family is in the suburbs of Beijing, about 50 kilometers away from the downtown area of ​​Beijing.My blogger Xiaofeng also wanted to see Chen Jiao again, and offered to ask her boyfriend to drive us there.In the past two years, I have been in touch with Xiaofeng, and our relationship has developed from a netizen to a best friend.Her life has changed a lot in the past two years.Divorced her husband and moved to a German company as an administrative director.When Xiaofeng divorced, she left without leaving the house. The house and daughter belonged to her ex-husband. She left with a suitcase.Xiaofeng's current boyfriend is Peng Mu, a lawyer, not tall, wearing a pair of black-rimmed glasses, and has a friendly smile.I thought that lawyers are also eloquent characters in life, but I didn't expect that lawyer Peng Mu seems to be quite honest and doesn't talk much.After the simple pleasantries, we concentrated on performing the duties of the driver, and we two women chatted in the back row.Xiaofeng was wearing a royal blue turtleneck cashmere sweater, a black woolen skirt, and long hair with a shawl. She was as exquisite and beautiful as two years ago.I sighed in my heart that behind her glamorous appearance, she also experienced the bitterness that is not humane.No one's life can be extraordinary and refined, and one who can maintain a fresh image in a life full of feathers is a strong person in life.Xiaofeng met love again shortly after the divorce.What's rare is that Peng Mu has no marriage history, and he has a deep affection for Xiaofeng and obeys his words.I smiled and praised her charm as much as that queen Faye Wong.A woman's history is often the history of her emotions.I thought of Chen Jiao who was about to meet, and my heart was touched.Xiaofeng knew that I was writing a novel about Qiuyue, and chatted with me about her story along the way, looking forward to seeing this legendary figure again.

After driving for an hour, Peng Mu said that he would reach Hebei after another 30 kilometers. Xiaofeng and Chen Jiao made several phone calls, and finally found the road leading to her husband's village.It was around 5 o'clock in the afternoon. When we arrived near the entrance of the village, Xiaofeng and I got out of the car and planned to ask someone for directions. After walking a few steps, we saw a woman who was squatting on the side of the road standing up and waving to us. It's Chen Jiao.She is at least 15 kilograms heavier than two years ago. She is wearing a long black down jacket. Her long, curly hair is randomly tied behind her head. There are many messy hairs around her ears, making her head look big. .After beckoning, she stretched her hands back into her sleeves and walked towards us with her neck shrunk.Her cheeks and nose were flushed by the wind, she sucked her nose vigorously, and when she was approaching us, she took her right hand out of the sleeve and wiped her nose with the cuff.Xiaofeng was amused by this action, and said with a smile, "How did Qiuyue become like this, like a rural sister-in-law who suffers from bitterness and hatred."

I laughed too, and after laughing, an indescribable feeling welled up in my heart.Chen Jiao greeted us loudly and enthusiastically led us into the village.Xiaofeng and I took out the gift we brought to Chen Jiao from the trunk of the car and were about to follow her into the village when Xiaofeng's boyfriend Peng Mu received a call from a client and had something important to discuss that evening.He explained to us apologetically, Xiaofeng had no choice but to follow him back first.After saying goodbye to them, I followed Chen Jiao to her mother-in-law's house on foot.Leaving the national road, the road leading to the village is much worse. It is rugged and narrow, and livestock manure can be seen from time to time.There are old bungalows and courtyards on both sides of the road, which is quite different from the affluent rural life in the suburbs of Beijing that I had imagined before.Lots of people are building a lot, and piles of building materials are piled up at the gate of the courtyard.Chen Jiao said that almost every household in the village is building houses now, waiting for compensation for demolition in the future.I asked, when will the demolition be here?Chen Jiao replied, I don't know, rumors are flying all over the sky now that the villagers have no intention of farming and dream of getting rich every day.After walking for about ten minutes, I arrived at her mother-in-law's house.The courtyard wall is made of stone, only half a person high, the courtyard door is open, there are two rows of old bungalows inside, the courtyard is a bit messy, some bricks and cement are piled up in the west corner, it seems that they are also preparing to build a house.A one-year-old girl came out of the house. When the girl saw Chen Jiao, she shouted "Mom, Mom" ​​and ran towards us flickeringly.

Chen Jiao picked up the child, turned the child's face to me, and said, "Tongtong, this is Auntie Yayu, please say hello to Auntie." Tongtong was wearing a set of cotton clothes with red flowers on a black background, the sleeves and the front were stained with various stains, black scabs formed on her flushed face, her hair was cut short, she looked like a boy.Tongtong glanced at me, didn't cry, turned her face away, and buried her head on her mother's shoulder.Chen Jiao said to me: "I'm not very good at talking yet, I'm shy when I meet strangers." "It's the same with children, and my Taozi was like this when he was a child. It will be fine after a while."

I say. He took out two sets of children's clothing and a Barbie doll from the bag and said to the child, "Tongtong, this is a gift from your auntie. Do you like it?" Tongtong looked back, took the Barbie doll carefully, and smiled at me. The two front teeth that have just erupted are exposed.She slipped off her mother and ran away with the doll in her arms.Entering the house, I saw Chen Jiao's parents-in-law.Chen Jiao's mother-in-law has a loud voice and speaks very fast, while her father-in-law speaks slowly and always has a smile on his face. He looks like a good-tempered person.Seeing that the daughter-in-law brought a guest back, they didn't ask any questions, just exchanged a few words and went to do what they should do.After a while, Chen Jiao's husband Zhao Zhigang came back.

Zhao Zhigang is a worker in a factory in Beijing. He usually lives in the dormitory of the factory and only goes home on weekends.Because of my arrival, Chen Jiao specially called him to come back.This is the first time I saw Zhao Zhigang.He looked to be in his early 30s, a few years younger than Chen Jiao. He was not handsome, but he was not ugly either. He was just an ordinary young man.The figure is not bad, about 1.75 meters tall, suitable for fat and thin.The first impression he gave me was that he was shy. When Chen Jiao introduced me to him, he blushed and seemed a little embarrassed. Before he could say a few words, he went out to play with his daughter in his arms.That night, I stayed at their house.The parents-in-law and granddaughter Tongtong slept in the same room, Zhao Zhigang slept in the same room, and Chen Jiao and I slept in the same room.The room we slept in was Chen Jiao’s usual residence. The room was very small, a kang took up most of the area, and the only furniture was a three-door wardrobe and a table.Chen Jiao got married in 2006, that is to say, this room was the bridal chamber of Chen Jiao and Zhao Zhigang four years ago.But now it is very difficult to find traces of a new house in this room. The corners of the walls have turned black, the furniture is old-fashioned, and an old-fashioned flat-screen right-angle TV is placed on the table.The only thing that looks modern is the laptop on the desk.To be honest, I didn't expect the rural areas on the outskirts of Beijing to be like this.This is a district in Beijing, only tens of kilometers away from Tiananmen Square, but the standard of living seems to be two decades behind.What made me uncomfortable was that there was no toilet at home, and the toilet was an open-air hut in the yard.Such a living environment cannot make people elegant, so it is not surprising that Chen Jiao's temperament has changed.Sitting cross-legged on the kang, Chen Jiao greeted me to come up: "You are a southerner, you have never slept in an earthen kang in the north, I'll let you experience it tonight."

I took off my shoes and got on the kang, imitating her and sitting cross-legged: "This is the first time I have come to the north in winter, and it is also the first time I have seen a kang. Today is an experience of life." "I asked you to come to see me at my mother-in-law's house, just to let you see my real life. How do you feel?" Chen Jiao asked. "When I first heard that you lived in the country, I thought it was a country with beautiful pastoral scenery and leisurely tranquility. I didn't expect the countryside in Beijing to be so backward. It's not as good as my hometown. As soon as I opened the door, I saw green mountains and green waters. Most homes have toilets."

I'm telling the truth. "When I first came here in 2006, there was no cable TV in the village, and the Internet was only connected last year. I never expected that the capital of the motherland is still so backward." Chen Jiao said. "I heard you say on the phone that you are living the life of a peasant woman. I thought it was a joke, but I didn't expect it to be completely true." I say. "Do I look different now, like a rural woman?" she asked. "When I first met you today, you shrank your neck and held your hands in your sleeves. When you saw us, you even wiped your nose with your sleeves."

I imitated her and wiped my nose with my sleeve. "That image really shocked me! This is too much like a rural woman." "Do as the Romans do." Chen Jiao laughed out loud. "If you live in the village for a year, you won't be very elegant. When Xiaofeng saw me just now, he said that I look like a rural sister-in-law who suffers and hates deeply. Is my image so bad?" "It's not an exaggeration at all." I said with a smile. After hearing what I said, Chen Jiao stood up and looked at the mirror on the wardrobe. "It's been a long time since I took a good look in the mirror. You didn't say it. I haven't realized that I'm so ugly."

She touched her face and said, "Big face, double chin." He patted his belly and pinched his waist, "Big belly, bucket waist." Finally, I looked at my thighs, "The legs have become elephant legs. I dare not look in the mirror anymore!" She sat down again, and the smile on her face gradually turned into a wry smile.I suddenly felt a little sad, and quickly comforted me: "It's not so ugly. Your complexion is quite good, with a healthy and simple beauty. If this is an undercover mission and you are asked to play a rural woman, you will not look like you now. No loopholes, fully qualified."

Chen Jiao said: "Don't comfort me. I'm not an undercover agent now, this is my real life. I'm not acting, so I can't leave the stage." "Before I came here, I had a lot of imaginations about Zhao Zhigang and your marriage. When I saw you today, it was totally different from my imagination. How did you get married here?" I asked.Chen Jiao sighed. "It's not convenient to talk about this here today. I called you to come to the village to let you see my current life with your own eyes. I have been in a bad mood recently, desperate for life, and full of doubts about my own life. I don't know what the future holds. How to go on the road." "I'll stay in Beijing for a few days, and tomorrow we'll find a hotel to live in. Can you talk slowly?" I said. "So much the better." Chen Jiao nodded, and then she took off her clothes and got under the quilt.I saw that although she has grown a lot of fat, her bones are strong and her figure is still flexible and agile.After turning off the lights, the room fell into complete darkness.I am used to the thin night in the city, and I am a little uncomfortable with this thick black night.The darkness seemed to carry weight, and the occasional barking of a dog from a distance made the darkness tremble and weigh down heavily.Listening to Chen Jiao's breathing beside me, I suddenly felt incredible for my bravery.She is a storyteller, and I am a story writer. We just met by chance two years ago. Would it be too rash for me to come to a strange house and sleep on the kang?Can you guarantee safety?She has such a special experience, knowing martial arts, being in the underworld, being an undercover agent, and having a homosexual experience... I can feel that Chen Jiao is not asleep, but she remains motionless and silent.I also lay motionless.Our breaths collided and intertwined in the dark, gradually connecting with each other.After that night, Chen Jiao and I had a new tacit understanding and became close friends who could express our emotions to each other. The next day, Chen Jiao and I went back to downtown Beijing by car. I opened a room in a hotel near my brother's house and lived with Chen Jiao.There, I had a conversation with her that lasted two days and one night.I decided to use these conversation records to explain Chen Jiao's later story.This is more direct, without conversion, and more immersive.Yayu: Chen Jiao, the story of you being an undercover agent has already been told, but I believe readers are still interested in knowing your later life.To be honest, seeing you again, I feel very emotional in my heart. Your current appearance is very different from the Chen Jiao I described in the novel. I have many questions in my heart, and I look forward to your answers.Chen Jiao: I can understand your emotion.You can ask questions, and I will answer them as honestly as possible.Yayu: Where did you go after being cheated out of 300,000 by Bo Zai?Chen Jiao: After discovering that the money was cheated by Bo Tsai, I was so desperate that I wanted to commit suicide.That night, while wandering the streets, I happened to see a flashing neon sign on a tall building not far away, which said "Xingxinglang Entertainment City".I walked in, and sure enough it was Zhu Yi who drove it.When he saw me, he was so surprised that his eyes almost fell out.He brought me into his office, we talked for more than an hour, and finally convinced him that I had nothing to do with Zhang Wanrou's case.The reason why I dared to do this was because I knew the seriousness of Zhang Wanrou's case, and that Zhu Yi was able to change to another place unscathed and continue to be the boss of the entertainment city, which shows that he is not Zhang Wanrou's accomplice and must not know about her affairs.Even if you know a little bit, after time has passed, you won't want to take yourself into it.I asked him straight to the point to borrow money, and he agreed on the condition that I stay and help him manage the entertainment city.I remitted 300,000 yuan to my father, told him that the business could not be done, and asked him to pay back the deposit and the borrowed money, and the remaining money was Guoguo's child support.I stayed in Dongguan to help Zhu Yi manage the entertainment city's business. Later, Zhu Yi moved his headquarters back to Shenzhen, and I returned to Shenzhen.At that time, my younger sister Xiaomei also came to Shenzhen to work.Later, something happened, so we had to flee Shenzhen and go to Shijiazhuang.Yayu: What's the matter?Chen Jiao: I was hunted down by the prince.Yayu: Your lord?Didn't Zhang Wanrou tell the police where he was hiding? Wasn't he arrested?Chen Jiao: The cunning rabbit has three caves, how could the prince only have one hiding place?It was not until 1998 that he was caught in Myanmar and sentenced to 20 years. He is now serving his sentence in a prison in Hong Kong, and he will be released in 8 years.Yayu: Excuse me, why was the prince not sentenced to death?Didn't he commit a capital crime?Chen Jiao: Because there is no death penalty in Hong Kong.He spent money to hire a team of lawyers to defend him, and there was no direct evidence for many things, so he was not sentenced to life imprisonment, but only sentenced to 20 years.Yayu: Oh.Can you talk about it in detail?Chen Jiao: After Zhang Wanrou's death, he began to investigate this matter. He suspected that I was an insider. Although he had no evidence, he still ordered me to be killed in Jianghu and bought me twice to assassinate me.The first time was the Spring Festival of 1998, when I went home to visit my father and daughter.At Changchun Airport, I just got off the plane, and when I was hailing a taxi at the gate of the airport, a young man wearing sunglasses walked up to me, with a piece of clothing on his arm, walked up to me, and pulled out a sharp knife hidden under the clothing. stab at me.I reacted in time and blocked his hand with my left hand. The opponent was a professional killer and moved very quickly. The blade sank downward and directly pierced my lower abdomen. I yelled before I fell to the ground, and the man drew his knife, hurriedly jumped into a van that was picking him up, and fled the scene.I was sent to the hospital by a passer-by for emergency treatment. The doctor who performed the operation told me that the sharp knife had broken my left fallopian tube, and the possibility of my pregnancy in the future was very small.So it was a miracle to be able to conceive Tongtong later.This time passers-by called the police for me, and some police officers came to the hospital to ask me to take notes, but because I could not provide any effective clues, the case was dropped.The second time was in Shenzhen. I went to the Dynasty Hotel for dinner. After dinner, my friend went to the underground garage to drive, and said that we would meet at the gate after a while.I went out to the hotel entrance, observed the surroundings habitually, and noticed that the window of an Audi parked on the side of the road had a small opening, and a lens flashed inside.My sixth sense tells me: Danger!Immediately I dodged through the turnstile of the hotel, and almost immediately, the gun went off, hitting the door frame.The sound of the gun was very muffled, and it was equipped with a silencer.I didn't look back, and went straight to the back door of the hotel.Call a friend and tell him to drive to the back door to pick me up.We went around the street and went back to the front door, and saw a group of people around the hotel entrance, and a police car was coming.We didn't stop there, and left there quickly, evading the subsequent interrogation.Yayu: How do you know that the two assassinations were instigated by the prince?Chen Jiao: I naturally have my channels.After these two distresses, I realized that neither Guangdong nor Jilin could be my permanent residence, so Xiaomei and I left Shenzhen and went directly to Shijiazhuang without returning to Jilin.Yayu: Why Shijiazhuang?Chen Jiao: Because my sister Xiaomei remembered on the train that she had a middle school classmate who was working in Shijiazhuang.After we got off the train at Beijing Railway Station, we bought two tickets to Shijiazhuang.At that time, it didn’t matter where I went, as long as I went somewhere where no one knew me.When we arrived in Shijiazhuang, we stayed with her classmate for a few days, and we moved out after I found a job.Yayu: What kind of job did you find?Chen Jiao: I went to a private club to apply for a job. After working as a waiter for a month, I was promoted to foreman, and after three months, I was promoted to assistant to the general manager.I worked in that clubhouse for 8 years.The proprietress trusted me very much and regarded me as her confidant. In the next few years, the couple seldom went to the clubhouse, and basically I managed it alone.Yayu: What kind of club is it?How is it compared to the MG Club?Chen Jiao: The name of the club is Lansha. It is certainly not comparable to Zhang Wanrou's MG Club in scale, but it is considered a relatively high-end club in Shijiazhuang.Lansha is a courtyard house with a small area, but it is elegantly decorated and provides great privacy.Lansha's business philosophy is different from that of the MG Club. It doesn't mean that you can become a member if you have money to pay the dues. The boss strictly checks the membership qualifications, and you can't get in without the introduction and guarantee of acquaintances.Lansha's membership fee is 160,000 yuan per year, and the minimum consumption per night is 88,000 yuan.Lansha only receives one group of guests every day, so it is necessary to make an appointment at least one week in advance. During the Spring Festival, making an appointment one month in advance may not be able to be in line.Yayu: It's unbelievable. It's so expensive and the business is so good. What special services does Lansha offer?Chen Jiao: The biggest feature of Lansha is safety.Only one batch of guests are received a day, which ensures that the guests can get the best service here, and their privacy is protected to the greatest extent, and they can enjoy themselves without any scruples inside.Lansha is a good place to discuss special business and meet special guests.In addition to eating, dancing and singing entertainment, more people play mahjong inside.Yayu: Gambling?Chen Jiao: Yes.They are all played by some big bosses, and the bets are huge, and the winning or losing in one night can reach tens of millions.If you don't have enough chips, you can borrow from us, and the loan out of my hands every night is in the millions.Yayu: The interest rate on this loan is not low, right?Chen Jiao: Of course, the interest is calculated on a daily basis, 5% per day. The boss and his wife are not bad, they are loyal and responsible, and behave according to the rules.The boss of Lansha is very smart, he acts cautiously and keeps a low profile, and he does not seek to grow bigger. No matter how good the business is, he will not open a second one, so there has been no accident for so many years.Soon after I left, they closed the club, opened a jade factory, and changed their business to jade.Yayu: How are you doing in Shijiazhuang?Chen Jiao: In Shijiazhuang, I can be regarded as a person who can play well. I know a lot of people in the white and black circles, and I am a little famous in the society. My pseudonym is Qiuyue, and they all call me "Sister Qiu".Yayu: Do you still have contacts with those people you met in Shenzhen in Shijiazhuang for so many years?Chen Jiao: Basically not.By the way, I met Instructor Jia in Shijiazhuang.Yayu: Instructor Jia, is that your instructor Jia Shilin during your special training period?Chen Jiao: Yes, that's him. Before the Spring Festival in 2004, I took Guoguo to Shijiazhuang Department Store to buy clothes. I heard a man calling me, and when I looked back, it was him.It turned out that Instructor Jia's wife was from Shijiazhuang, and he accompanied his wife back to visit relatives. When they went to the department store to buy New Year's goods, they didn't expect to meet me.We both felt that this coincidence was too unexpected. We couldn't talk too much about the situation at that time. He left me his mobile phone number and asked me to call him when I had time.I called him early the next morning and asked him to come out and meet.I booked a box at the restaurant and invited him out for lunch.As soon as I saw him, I said, Instructor Jia, I didn’t fall asleep all night last night, thinking about seeing you today, I was very disturbed.Instructor Jia said, I was also surprised to meet you in Shijiazhuang.We haven't seen each other for 10 years, right?I said, it’s been almost 13 years, and I haven’t seen it since I left Guangzhou for Shenzhen in 1991.He said, no, I met you in 1994, but you may not know it.You were going to leave the team that year, and the organization conducted a mental appraisal on you, and I also participated.At that time, someone suggested that you should be sent to a mental hospital, but Director Mi and I refused to sign the appraisal result, so we did not send you.I said, thank you, Instructor Jia, I just found out today that you have such a great kindness to me.If I had been sent to a mental hospital back then, I probably wouldn't be able to get out in this life.He said, don't say that, I have led several groups of students, and you left the deepest impression on me.I still remember that when I was training in the Armed Police Force, I was the one who told you the news of your grandfather's death that night, and took you to the team headquarters to call home. cry.It was raining heavily and there were lightning flashes.I was watching you from the side at that time, and I wanted to go over to pull you several times, but I stopped the thought.Let you vent, you will feel better if you cry hard, but if you hold it in your heart, you will get sick.At that time, I said in my heart that I must do my best to help you.I feel so guilty seeing you, a kind girl, in so much pain.I have always thought that you are a very good talent.I was both moved and ashamed by Instructor Jia’s words. I said, did my subsequent performance disappoint you?Only performed one task before leaving the team.Instructor Jia said that the first mission you performed was too cruel. In fact, you should not be allowed to participate in such an important case for the first time. You cannot bear such a great pressure psychologically, and the organization did not provide you with psychological counseling in time, so you collapsed immediately.I was very moved and asked Instructor Jia, how is Director Mi doing now?She retired early, and now she is enjoying her life at home, right?Instructor Jia was silent for a long time before saying that Director Mi passed away in 1996.I was taken aback and asked how she died.Instructor Jia said that he committed suicide.The sacrifice of her only son hit her hard. After retiring, she suffered from severe depression and took many medicines to no avail.It is said that the day of suicide was her son's birthday. She jumped from the balcony of her home in the early morning and died before being sent to the hospital.Director Mi is an old special, a very capable person, sometimes I think she is too ruthless.Thinking about it now, she must have experienced a lot in her heart, and some things were accumulated bit by bit. One day, these things accumulated in her heart were like dominoes, and they were wiped out with just a slight push.Director Mi's death shocked me a lot. In the second year, I also found an opportunity to transfer away.I was silent for a long time, and asked: How is Instructor Linda?Instructor Jia replied that she had cervical cancer and died in 1999.She had never been married in her life, had no children, and died alone.I saw Linda walking with her waist twisted in front of my eyes, and I couldn't help feeling sad.That day I brought a bottle of Moutai, and I drank one cup after another with Instructor Jia. Perhaps it was the effect of alcohol, and he had already left that post. Instructor Jia let go that day and said a lot of heartfelt words to me.He asked, do you remember those comrades in the Armed Police Special Training Team?I answer, I remember.Have you heard from them?Instructor Jia said, among you team members, you are not the only one who shoulders a special mission.After the special training, most of these female soldiers went to the border armed police force and became anti-drug special police.Border anti-narcotics is no less cruel than the battlefield.We all know that anti-narcotics mainly relies on intelligence, otherwise how would you investigate such a long border line.Women, because they have gender advantages, are not easy to arouse suspicion, so they are often the first choice for leaders to choose undercover agents.Although they have made outstanding achievements repeatedly, drug dealers are not fools, and they will learn from their mistakes. They are very strict with undercover agents. Once they are suspected by the other party, their lives are in danger.There were 12 people in your class who graduated that year. As far as I know, four people died, two people disappeared, and three people were disabled.Now there are only three people who are alive and intact, and these three people include you.I asked: Do you know the whereabouts of our monitor Li Yanhong?I got closer to her back then.Instructor Jia said that Li Yanhong is still in the border defense force of the Armed Police and has already reached the rank of major. In 1996, she was found out by the other party in a disguised investigation, and her fingers were cut off by the drug dealer, and she was tortured. At that time, the drug dealer didn't have enough evidence, she was just suspicious, otherwise she would have died long ago.When she was rescued, she had been tortured beyond recognition.She had just been married the year she was injured, and later went to the hospital for an examination because she had not given birth. The doctor said that her uterus was seriously injured and she could not conceive.She later divorced, and it is said that she proposed it on her own initiative.Chen Jiao, think about them, you are actually lucky, maybe you feel that you have been wronged and your life is not happy.But at least you're alive, and with that, there's hope.Chen Jiao, I am not giving you ideological education classes, I am not your instructor now, so I don't need to say those empty words, I am speaking the truth from the bottom of my heart.Being undercover is a dirty job, and no one really likes it, but some things have to be done even if they are dirty.If the country chooses you, it is your life.In the face of national interests, personal interests are insignificant.Yayu: Chen Jiao, influenced by Hollywood movies, in my imagination, the life of a spy or an undercover agent is like that of a big-name star, living in a five-star hotel, driving a white BMW, wearing a floor-length evening dress, traveling in various styles In a luxurious place, get the information you need in your flirting. After hearing your story, I realized that the real life of an agent is far from being so chic, and it also let me know that I am not suitable to be an agent.First of all, I don't have the extraordinary talent needed by an agent, and thirdly, I don't have such a great spirit of sacrifice.Instructor Jia said that undercover work is a dirty job, which shocked me.Chen Jiao: He said that undercover work is a dirty job, and he said it from the perspective of human nature.The biggest sacrifice of an undercover agent is the sacrifice of human nature. He lies every day, uses deception to gain the trust of the other party, and then betrays them and puts the other party to death.Yayu: Maybe I should be glad that I was not selected by the country.I used to feel that my life was too ordinary, and yearned for the ups and downs and magnificent life, but now I began to feel that there is nothing wrong with ordinary life, and the gentle and clear stream has its own kind of quiet beauty.Thank you for making me correct my attitude towards life.Chen Jiao: Human nature is like this. There are always many unrealistic imaginations about life and things that have not been experienced. Before the age of 33, my life could not be said to be magnificent, but it was full of ups and downs and exciting enough.My heart is tense every day, and I can't relax my vigilance when I sleep. My mind is always spinning, calculating others, and beware of others calculating myself.I never felt happy, and I hardly ever laughed out loud from the bottom of my heart.Sometimes, when I came home from get off work late at night, and occasionally saw a room in a residential building with lights on, I would feel emotional and imagine the life of the family living there.You know, since I was a child, I have no parental care, and I have never had a decent family life. I am particularly envious of the big family with both parents and many brothers and sisters, and I yearn for the ordinary family life.In your words, I long for an ordinary and peaceful life from the ups and downs of the big river to the gentle stream.Yayu: Why do you say before the age of 33?What happened that year?Chen Jiao: I had a car accident in 2005, which completely changed my life.Yayu: Is it the car accident where you were disfigured?Chen Jiao: Yes.The meeting and conversation with Instructor Jia touched my heart a lot. I began to reflect on myself and didn't want to live this gray life anymore.Since then, I have thought of leaving Shijiazhuang, but I can't leave for a while.The first reason why I couldn’t leave was that the boss was very kind to me, and the proprietress Liu Xia was as close as a sister to me, so I couldn’t say that I wanted to leave; the second was economic reasons. At that time, my father was sick and paralyzed in bed, unable to take care of himself , In addition to medical expenses, I also need to spend money to find a nanny to take care of him.And my mother, who was going to have a gastrectomy at that time, cost tens of thousands of dollars.In addition to supporting my parents, I also have to pay for Guoguo's education and living expenses.My salary in the clubhouse is very high, and I can earn 10,000 to 20,000 yuan a month.If you quit your job and do something else, it is impossible to make so much money.Yayu: Did you get in touch with your mother?Chen Jiao: I once went back to my grandma's house with my sister Xiaomei and visited my mother in a mental hospital. My mother was very emotional when she saw me.The time we met was very short. The doctor saw that she was emotionally unstable and worried that she would get sick, so he quickly drove us away.Yayu: How did you feel when you first met your mother?Chen Jiao: I don't feel anything.Before going to see her, I thought I would be very excited to see my biological mother for the first time, but when I saw her, I was very calm.I saw a middle-aged woman with a bloated figure and black and white striped hospital gown sitting there, and said to myself that this is your biological mother, but my heart just couldn't get up, looking at her was like looking at someone with myself. irrelevant people.She has never been in my life and I have no feelings for her.In the second year, my grandma was critically ill, and I went back again. Before she died, my grandma took my hand and said, Gillian, the most sorry grandma in this life is your mother. Your mother's life is too hard!I lived at my grandma's house for ten days, and I didn't leave until after grandma's "first seven".During this period, my grandfather and second aunt began to tell me stories about my mother.My mother was considered a celebrity in the forest farm back then. She was not only beautiful, but also very capable and eloquent. She was a famous figure in the school when she was in middle school. of men have at least one booster class.If my father hadn't found a new way to please grandma and grandpa first, and grandma would have forced her to die, my mother would never have married my father.It was then that I first knew that my birth was due to my mother's misunderstanding.Yayu: Misunderstanding?Chen Jiao: Back then, my mother thought I was the child of her boyfriend Li Chun. After Li Chun committed suicide, she was full of guilt towards Li Chun's mother. When she found out that she was pregnant, she thought she had a chance to redeem her sins from Li Chun's mother. .She fantasizes that one day she would hold the child and tell Li Chun's mother that the Li family has not lost all children and grandchildren, and that I am the crystallization of her love with Li Chun.If she knew at that time that I was Chen Dalong's offspring, she would have gone to the hospital without hesitation to have an abortion, and then divorced my father.My second aunt told me that my mother once told her that Chen Dalong had ruined her life's happiness, let him raise children for others, this is the best revenge for him.I actually drove my mother crazy.After I was born, my mother hugged me all day and looked at me carefully, trying to find a little bit of Li Chun's genetics on my face, but the more she looked at it, the more flustered she became.On the day of the full moon, she touched the little bud that had just grown on my right ear, like my father's, and finally broke down.She threw me out of the window to throw away a mistake she couldn't face. Yayu: That's right!It's amazing how similar the fates of you mother and daughter are.Chen Jiao: After learning the secret of my birth, I suffered from insomnia for several nights, and wanted to cry countless times, but couldn't shed tears.In my mother's story, I clearly saw my shadow.Fate is so strong that it can be passed on, how can it not be lamented.Yayu: Your mother's life is indeed embarrassing.Chen Jiao: Since then, I have a different feeling for my mother, with sympathy and compassion.It is said that I look like my father, but my mother clearly passed on her tragic character to me.I often went to see my mother for a while, but she seemed to be very afraid of seeing me, and every time she saw me, she was very emotional.The doctor said that after every time I visited her, she would be manic for days.Later, I followed my second aunt's warning and rarely went to see her. I just sent money to my second aunt every month and entrusted her to take care of my mother.Yayu: Is there any possibility of your mother being cured?Chen Jiao: Basically not. She has lived in the hospital for more than 20 years and is used to life in the hospital.Letting her die in a mental hospital is the best choice for her.Yayu: Let's continue talking about the car accident.Chen Jiao: It was the last day of September 2005. I remember it very clearly, because the next day was the National Day.That night, a female boss named Bai Li celebrated her birthday and invited a group of friends to hold a party in the clubhouse. Bai Li is also my friend, so I naturally wanted to play with her.At 2 o'clock in the morning, Liu Xia, the proprietress, called me and asked me to send 1 million yuan in cash to a friend's house in the suburbs.Yayu: Just let you send 1 million yuan in cash by yourself?is this safeChen Jiao: This is not the first time that this kind of thing has happened. I have also sent larger amounts than this.The cash flow of the clubhouse is huge, and 1 million is not a big number.I didn't ask any more questions, and promised to send it right away.I told Bai Li that the proprietress has something to do with me, I want to go out for a while, you guys continue to be high, I will go back as soon as I go.Bai Li was dancing at the time. She was a plump woman. Her round buttocks seemed to be equipped with a tireless electric motor. She was twisting happily, making all kinds of sexy and seductive movements to the male partner in front of her, and her face was intoxicated. The expression looks like the sex is reaching an orgasm.高潮被我打断了，她有些扫兴地停下来，拉着我的手坐回沙发上，说，就你最辛苦，这个钟点了还要被刘霞使唤。来，吸点粉提提神。雅妤：粉？是指冰毒吗？陈娇：是K粉，也就是氯胺酮，毒性没有冰毒大，属于第三级毒品。在舞厅和狂野派对里吸食K粉成为一种时尚，它也是一种迷幻药和兴奋剂，吸食后的最大特点是对周围的环境失去警觉性。我当时不想吸的，白莉非拉着我，她把盘子和吸管端到我面前，不吸不让我走。见推辞不了，我只好吸了两口。摆脱白莉后，我出来，和兰莎的管家提了100万现金放到汽车后备厢，正准备把车开走，里面跑出来两男一女，我只叫得出为首那个人的名字是刘强，他朝我喊，秋姐，你去哪里？我说我去东郊龙泉花园那边。他说，我们也要去那边，你捎上我们吧。我说，我可没有时间送你们。老板让我给人送东西去。刘强嬉皮笑脸地说，不用你特地送我们，到了地方把我们放在路边就行。说着也没经过我同意，就打开车门钻进副驾驶室。另外两个人也嘻嘻哈哈地爬上车，那女的还娇滴滴地说，秋姐，学雷锋做好事嘛，送我们一段。人都上来了，我不好意思再叫他们下去，只好发动汽车。汽车刚驶上马路不久，后面的女孩就叫道，刘强，开音乐，刚吸了这么多K粉，没音乐听太难受了。刘强打开汽车音响，找了张迪斯科舞曲碟放进去。劲爆的音乐一起，我全身的血液像被火点燃了，用力一踩油门，蓝色的宝马以180公里的时速在夜色中飞驰。车上的那三个人脱了外衣，摇头晃脑地又唱又叫。音响里传来的是梅艳芳的《将冰山劈开》，我也跟着他们一起唱起来：灼热难耐，又冷漠无奈，冰结在外，火却在内，我难忍耐，再沉苦海…… 刘强问，秋姐，你的粤语发音真准，在广东待过吧？我笑而不答，放大了音量继续唱：冰山有灾，请把冰山劈开！前面一辆货柜车突然掉头，我根本来不及反应，飞快地撞了上去。在撞上的一瞬间，我本能地一低头，只听到一声巨大的撞击声，感觉鼻子被猛地戳了一下，就什么也不知道了。雅妤：刘强他们三个人是生是死？陈娇：刘强被抛出车窗外，当场就死了，另外两人送到医院没抢救过来也死了。那个货车司机被判了三年，他对警方交代，他当时是接到一个电话，有人看到他老婆和一个男人进了宾馆，他气昏了头，立即掉头，准备回去捉奸，没想到我的车这么快就撞了上来。雅妤：他们三人全死了，只有你活着，你真是命大。陈娇：那次车祸的一半责任在我。我平时开车很小心的，那天若不是吸了K粉，又受到劲爆音乐的刺激，我不会开这么快。后来听白莉说死的那三人不是什么好人，特别是那个刘强，吃喝嫖赌抽五毒俱全，还糟蹋过不少姑娘。但他们再坏，我也不希望他们死在我手上。我又欠了三条人命，身负的罪孽又加多了一层。我出院之后，把烟酒都戒了，还吃了半年素，只求能赎回一点罪过。雅妤：这次车祸与你吸毒有关吧？你怎么看待毒品？陈娇：我在会所几乎天天都能接触到各类毒品，现在吸毒的人比起90年代，不是减少，而是增加了。现在毒品的种类更多了，各种新式毒品层出不穷，警察和吸毒者玩的就是猫捉老鼠的游戏。老鼠是捉不完的，禁毒增加了毒品的成本，让毒品更贵。但正因为如此，我对毒品更加深恶痛绝。出了那次车祸后，我再没沾过任何毒品。雅妤：继续谈你的车祸，装在后备厢里的那些钱呢？陈娇：后备厢被震开了，那100万元现金掉出来，撒了一地，幸亏是半夜，路人不多，交警赶到后封锁了现场，那些钱大部分都找回来了，只差了2万多。雅妤：你的情况怎么样，伤得严重吗？陈娇：我昏迷了四天才醒过来，睁开眼睛看到四周一片雪白。全身什么感觉也没有，只感到鼻子冰凉，像被冰冻起来一样。这里是什么地方，自己是怎么到这里来的？我想了想，发现记忆一片空白，甚至连自己是谁也想不起来了。我的面部被严重毁容，鼻子撞烂了，眼角也被划了一个大口。石家庄医院的院长是刘霞的朋友，你说巧不巧，那天晚上我车后备箱那100万就是要送到他家，借给他儿子的。那家医院与日本医院有合作，为了让我得到更好的治疗，院长把我转院到日本，我是在日本做的整容手术。医生一直不允许我照镜子，两个月后，我第一次在镜子里看到自己。镜子里是一个完全陌生的女子，细长的丹凤眼成了现在的双眼皮大眼睛，调皮的小鼻子变得又高又挺。手术算是很成功的，医生非常满意，身旁的人都说手术做得漂亮，刘霞后来见了我还说也要去日本找这个医生把鼻子整高点。只有我心里很难过，一个人的时候蒙着被子哭了一场。我用了好几年的时间才习惯了自己的相貌。雅妤：你出院之后就离开了兰莎会所？陈娇：我没有马上离开。我很感激刘霞在我受伤后为我做的一切，虽然这八年我为她赚了不少钱，但我同时知道，不是每个老板都像她这么大方的。我欠了她这么大的人情，理应更好地工作来报答。出院后我休息了几天就回兰莎上班，依然是总经理助理，拿一样的薪水，做同样的工作。但感觉完全不一样了。以新面对旧人，是件很尴尬的事，每天都要接受别人对自己容貌品头论足并应对方的要求对事故进行再回顾，让我很厌烦。 最糟糕的是，我发现自己许多技能消失了，连电脑都不怎么会用了，大脑时常一片空白，一时记得起，一时忘记，而且常常头痛，不得已再次去医院求医。医生检查后说我是间歇性失忆，是脑震荡后遗症的表现。开了一些中药，嘱咐我多卧床休息，减少脑力和体力劳动，一定不要熬夜。我吃了一段时间的中药，没有效果，我的作息长期就是昼夜颠倒的，每天都是人家起床上班了，我才能上床睡觉。一段时间之后，情况越来越严重，连常来常往的客人的名字都记不住了，常常张冠李戴，在发生了几次叫错客人名字的事情之后，我决定辞职。雅妤：你的经历和你给我的感觉有很大差距，但与你交往我完全感受不到那些阴暗和邪气。你是滚过风尘，却没留下风尘味儿，这也是我被你吸引的原因之一。陈娇：过奖了。但我觉得自己还算是个好人，也许是因为我的根子正吧，从小受的都是正面教育，所以即使身处龌龊的环境，也还保留着做人的良知。人在逆境低谷的时候，难免想到寄情山水。我当时想找一个风景秀丽的地方疗养，便买了到杭州的车票。到了杭州，我才明白自己的潜意识是想去绍兴，于是第二天就去了绍兴。我租了一条乌篷船，让艄公慢慢地在河上摇。我独坐在船头，看着岸边的景色，12年前与张婉柔在船上依偎着说话的情景像放电影一样一幕幕地闪现，这么多年我一直没有忘记她，她当时的气息，说话的表情，我依然记得清清楚楚。我发现自己真的爱过她，与她在一起的时光让我刻骨铭心。这么一路想着，我不禁悲从心来，泪流满面。雅妤：有一个问题，我一直想问你，就是关于你的性取向。可以坦率地回答吗？陈娇：我并不是真的女同。张婉柔死后，我身体里的这扇门便关上了，我再也没有爱过其他女人。就我内心来说，我愿意把这唯一的位置永远为张婉柔保留，今生再不会与任何一个女性发生亲密关系。我觉得自己现在是一个正常的女人。雅妤：绕了这么多弯，该说说你和赵志刚的故事了。你们怎么认识的？陈娇：赵志刚原来是我的网友，他盗了我父亲的QQ号，我去讨还，就这样认识了。雅妤：啊？这样的相识方式最后竟然能成为夫妻，太意外了。 陈娇：我父亲提前退休后，因为身体行动不便，我给他买了一台电脑让他在家上网，他在网上认识了一些谈得来的朋友，每天上网和网友聊天成了他的精神安慰。有一天他的QQ号被盗了，他打电话向我求助，我听得出他心情特别沮丧，便安慰他一定帮他把QQ号要回来。我在网上等了两天，终于等到这个号上线，立即加了他好友，聊了两次后，我告诉他这号是我爸的，这个QQ号对他有重要意义，老人家因为被盗号这事都快急出病了。没等我提出要求，他立即爽快地答应把号还回来，把他新设的密码告诉我。后来他加了我爸做好友，和我爸挺聊得来，我爸的电脑遇到什么问题了，向他求助，他很热心地远程帮解决。我们也因此成了网友，常常去同一个聊天室玩，他给我比较老实的印象，不像其他男人在网上出语轻佻。我们互相留了手机号码，偶尔发发短信，但也就仅此而已。我在杭州住在一个女朋友家里。这个女朋友是个歌星，是我原来在兰莎会所工作时认识的。女朋友常常要去外地演出，她也曾想叫我和她一起去走穴，我没有兴趣。她常常一走就是半个月，家里就我一个人住。我经常一个人到西湖边，一待就是一整天。雅妤：想什么呢？陈娇：什么也不想，发呆。车祸之后，大脑经常短路，常常什么也想不起来，人变得木木的。我每天吃完早饭就出门，沿着西湖慢慢走，走累了就在湖边找地方坐一下，看着浩渺的湖水发呆。 那天中午，突然下起了大雨，我没带伞，跑到湖边一个亭子里躲雨。那场雨下了很久都没有停的迹象，当时亭子里只有我一个人，我又冷又饿，看着亭子外的雨帘，突然有些自怜自艾，我想，如果我身无分文，这个世界上有谁会管我呢？念头一起，决定验证一下，便给爸爸、妹妹和几个好友发短信谎称自己的钱包丢了，现在被困在杭州一个亭子里，寸步难行。过了一会儿，陆续有短信回复过来，爸爸责怪我是马大哈，做事不小心。妹妹幸灾乐祸地说你终于也丢了一次钱包了。朋友们安慰我说破财免灾，要我想开一点。没人问我需不需要帮助，都以为这点小事我一定能搞得掂。我心里正失落呢，赵志刚的短信来了，问我此刻在干什么。我把刚才那个谎言重复了一遍。短信刚发出去，他的电话就打过来了，认识快一年了，这还是我们第一次通电话。他着急地问，钱包是怎么丢的，丢了多少钱？我随意编了一套谎话，装可怜地说，我现在身上一分钱都没有了，吃饭都成了问题。他当即说，你把银行卡号告诉我，我先汇点钱给你应急。我当时为了考验他，真的把银行卡号发了过去。其实他也不想想，若钱包丢了，银行卡怎么会还在。他收到我发过去的银行卡号后，说立即去银行给我汇钱，叫我不要着急。老实说，我心里并不相信他会给我这样一个连面都没见过的网友汇钱，抱着看戏的心态看他如何收场。便说，好，我等着。过了半个小时，他发短信来了，说他到银行了，但银行快下班了，已经不受理汇款业务了，明天一早他一定会给我汇钱，要我想办法找人借钱度过这一晚。我笑了笑，回复说好。后来雨停了，我便回了女友家，把这件事抛到脑后。那天晚上我因为着了凉，发烧了，半夜起来煮了一锅姜糖水喝了一碗便蒙头大睡。第二天上午，还在被子里睡得迷迷糊糊的我朦胧中听到手机铃声响，拿过来一接，是他打来的，说他正在银行排队给我汇钱，他的工资卡上只剩1000多块钱了，所以只能给我汇1000块钱。别嫌少，先用着。当时我惊讶得说不出话来，事情已经到了这个地步，再说自己是恶作剧挺残忍的。我只好说谢谢他。等我下次经过北京的时候还钱给他。当我在柜员机上刷卡看到自己的账户上果真多了1000块钱时，心情很复杂，有些感动又有些迷茫。我和赵志刚的的确确是因为这件事拉近了距离，从普通网友变成了好朋友。雅妤：你后来还他钱没有？陈娇：没有。为了这1000块钱我把自己卖给他了，哈哈。那天之后，我和他便常常在QQ上聊天。 从聊天中得知他是1977年出生的，比我小四岁，是北京××厂的工人。那段时间我们聊天的内容大多是在说自家的老人，我很坦率地告诉他我父母的情况，为父亲的身体担忧。他告诉我他父母是北京郊区的农民，他是家里的独子。他原来交过一个女朋友，处了五年，两年前分手了。父母一直在为他的婚事担心，每个周末他回家父母都要唠叨他的婚事，让他很烦恼。作为儿子，他很希望能让父母开心，但姻缘没到，心急也没有用。我也告诉他自己有个12岁的女儿，放在妹妹家养，孩子不太听话。我还和他聊了生活中诸多不开心的事。那段时间，我们交流得很顺畅，两人都打开心扉，说了许多平时不会轻易和别人说的心里话。但我那时完全没往那方面想，无论是年龄还是经历我和他的差距都太大，我只是把他当成可以倾吐心声的朋友。半个月后，我离开杭州回石家庄看女儿，当时是4月底了，我和他在网上约好，五一去北京找他，把钱还给他。他说五一假期他要回家，问我想不想去他家玩，看看北京农村是什么样子。我答应了。我们约好4月30日晚上他下班后在公主坟地铁站见面，然后一起去他家。那天下午我坐大巴到了北京，晚上7点半到公主坟地铁站，见到了等在那里的赵志刚。他和视频里的样子差不多，虽然说不上有多英俊，但五官端正，加上身材不错，看上去挺顺眼的一个小伙子。第一次见面我们没有任何陌生感，握了握手，寒暄了几句就打车去他家。在路上他告诉我，他家离北京城有40多公里，靠近河北了。以前那里晚上治安很差，常有劫车案件发生，一般出租车司机都不愿去他家那个方向。我往窗外看去，外面黑黢黢的，只有零星几点灯火从低矮的平房里透出。心想，不过几十分钟，就好像到了另一个世界，没想到北京郊区和北京城差别这么大。我把目光转回车里，坐在前排的赵志刚正在和司机聊天，北京的出租车司机都是侃爷，我从赵志刚的应答中看出他是个很本分老实的男人。一个多小时后，我们下了车，进了他家的院子。他家你去过，知道是什么样儿，北京郊区的贫困落后超乎你的想象吧？并不是他家特别穷，而是整个村子都差不多，他家在村里还算是中上人家。他父母迎了出来，热情地招呼我进去，他父母是一对很淳朴的老人，尤其是他父亲，特别和善，一见面就叫我闺女，叫得我心里热乎乎的。进屋后赵志刚从包里拿出一个新的玻璃杯，用开水烫过，倒了一杯水给我。这个小动作让我有些感动。他是怕我嫌弃他家的水杯脏，今天回家前特地去买了个新杯子。我觉得这个男人的心很细，很会为人着想，对他又添了几分好感。那天晚上的饭菜很简单，他母亲把烙好的饼子拿出来，他自己进厨房去炒了一盘白菜屁股，北京人把白菜帮子叫白菜屁股。这些年我什么山珍海味没吃过？可第一次去他家吃的第一顿晚饭给我印象特别深，我很多年没有吃过这样的家常菜了，那么简单的饭菜我吃得津津有味，他父母的热情让我心里很熨帖，看得出他父母很疼他。这是个虽然贫寒却有人情味的家庭，也许是我从小就没有家庭的温暖吧，我当时对赵志刚挺羡慕的，有这么健康又通情达理的父母，快30岁的人了，爸爸妈妈还把他当孩子来疼爱。吃完晚饭，大家就洗漱睡觉了。他睡厢房，把我安排在隔壁的房间。被子很干净，散发出一股阳光的味道，一定是今天刚刚洗晒过。这是我第一次在陌生人家里过夜，心里有些异样，但又似乎很自然。我的床对着窗子，躺在床上可以看到窗外的星星，四周很安静，偶尔传来几声犬吠。我第一次觉得生活原来可以这样简单而宁静。这时手机有动静，是他发短信过来了：早点睡吧，明天带你去看麦地。我微笑了一下，回了一个字：好。关了手机，很快就睡着了。第二天便是五一，邻居家办喜事，他父母天没亮就过去帮忙了，家里就剩我们俩。吃早饭的时候，他拿着一把剪刀去院里修剪花草，我跟着出去看，看到屋前有一排葡萄架。昨天进来时天色暗了，我没注意，现在看到这排葡萄架有些惊喜。它让这个凌乱的小院有了生机，看起来舒服多了。我无意中一抬眼，他正在目不转睛地看着我，两人的眼光一对视，他立即慌乱地移开了。 他当时脸上的表情让我的心动了一下，第一次对他产生了异样的感觉。吃完早饭，他对我说，因为父亲今天没空，他要去浇麦地。我说我和你一起去。他点点头，给我找了顶草帽，又让我换上长筒水靴。他们家没有大镜子，我看不到我此时的样子，便问他，我像不像你们村的媳妇？他说，我们村没有像你这么漂亮的媳妇。我当时乐得哈哈大笑。感觉很久都没有这样笑过了。我跟着他去了地里。清晨的田野，景色让人心旷神怡，看到大片绿色的麦田，我抑郁已久的心情一下就开朗了。我深深地呼吸着带着麦穗清香的空气，觉得眼前的一切是那么美好。我看着他从地旁的水井里抽水上来，给麦田浇水，便过去帮忙。从来没有干过农活，我觉得很新鲜。我和他一起拿着胶管浇地，无意中他的手碰了我一下，我看他的脸腾地红成一块红布，立即把手拿开。这么多年了，我第一次见到会脸红的男人。我没想到赵志刚都快30岁的人了，还像少年一样害羞。我心里觉得好笑，装着不在意用话岔开了。那天我和他在地里浇地浇了两个多小时，一点也不觉得累，两人嘻嘻哈哈地就把活干完了。干完活，我们一起回家，我和他并肩走在田埂上，看着眼前被微风吹得起伏不定的麦田，我突然产生了归隐此地的念头。我转头问他，志刚，你喜欢我吗？他的脸又红了，羞得连头都抬不起来，半天才说，我喜欢你。我早就偷偷喜欢你了。我说，那我做你们家媳妇好不好？他以为我在开玩笑，问，你看得上我们家吗？我说，你们家挺好的，父母双全，和和睦睦。我见他还不太相信，便主动去拉他的手。那天，是我挽着他的手回家的。雅妤：听你这么描述，觉得你们开始的时候还是挺美好的。同为女人，我也特别能理解你当时的心情。你原来的圈子太复杂，遇到赵志刚这样单纯的男人会觉得很新鲜，有一种捡到宝的感觉。但可能你当时没有意识到他的单纯除了性格的原因，更多的是由于他的经历和见识较少造成的。陈娇：你说得很对。他是家里的独子，从小在父母的庇护下长大，高中毕业通过一个亲戚帮忙进了工厂，下了班就回宿舍。他从来没有去过娱乐场所，连上饭店吃饭的机会都不多。别人在北京一个月赚5000元都说不够花，他每个月工资3000多元，居然可以每月交2000元给他妈存起来，他说他一个月一般只花800元就够了。他从来没有离开过北京，和我去吉林见我父亲是他第一次坐火车。雅妤：你们俩根本就是两个世界的人。你的过去他知道多少？陈娇：我在广东那段历史他完全不知道。我只告诉他果果是我前男友的遗腹子，果果还没出生，她父亲就死了。他从不追问我的过去，也许觉得那些过去和他没关系，不知道反而好。 他不问，我也觉得没有必要和他说。 雅妤：你们恋爱多久结婚的？陈娇：四个月吧。9月份就去登记了，10月办的婚礼。雅妤：你们结婚的过程顺利吗？两家的老人有什么意见？陈娇：我父亲很赞成。我们的事是赵志刚先告诉他的。我当时34岁了，父亲一直为我的婚事操心，听说我和赵志刚好了，觉得是天赐良缘，极力撮合，催他尽快和我结婚。他的父母刚开始对我很满意，后来知道我有个12岁的女儿之后，便不赞成了，尤其是他母亲反对得很厉害。但他态度很坚决，他舅舅后来告诉我，从来没见小刚对父母的态度这么强硬过。他父亲比较开明，看儿子态度坚决，便不再反对，而且公公对我印象很好，觉得我比志刚的条件好很多，后来他母亲也无奈地同意了。乡下娶媳妇至少要花好几万的，我对他家什么要求也没提，既不要彩礼，也不要他家置办什么，他父母只花了几千元就把儿子的婚事给办了。雅妤：你原来的朋友怎么看你的婚姻？陈娇：我的朋友没有一个赞成的。刘霞听说我要结婚，以为我找了个条件多么好的对象，特地从石家庄赶来北京见他。刘霞见过赵志刚后，对我说，我不可能真的爱赵志刚，下嫁也不可能把标准降这么多。她竭力阻止我们结婚。不瞒你说，以前我是挺自命不凡的一个人，一般的男人根本入不了我的眼，在石家庄的时候，追过我的人还不少，其中不乏有钱有势的，但没一个我看得上的。那次车祸后，我失去了很多技艺，武功基本是废了，原来引以为豪的过人的反应力和记忆力也消失了。我很清楚，自己很难再回到原来的生活状态了。那段时间正是我情绪最低落的时候，对未来很迷茫，想逃避生活的压力，换一种活法。我对刘霞说，自己觉得累了，想找个老老实实的男人嫁了算了，这辈子就做个农妇，安安静静地过下半生。我当时决定结婚还有一个重要的原因是为了果果。果果那年小学毕业了，我想把她接到身边来上中学。雅妤：这之前果果一直是住在你妹妹家？陈娇：是。我在会所的工作性质是昼夜颠倒的，没有办法照顾她，果果一直住小姨家。我妹妹的婚姻也不美满，妹夫是个酒鬼，喝多了就和我妹妹吵架，果果也常挨他的打。那段时间妹妹和妹夫的矛盾激化了，再把果果放在妹妹家不行了，我只能把她接出来。我把这个要求和赵志刚提了，他满口答应把果果接到他们家。 他请假和我一起去石家庄接果果，他舅舅是中学教师，托他舅舅帮忙让果果进了当地的中学。他父亲对果果态度还可以，他母亲的态度有些冷淡，赵志刚对我很好，没有理会亲戚朋友的告诫，郑重承诺要照顾我和女儿一生。他的态度让我很感动，这才下决心和他结婚。领结婚证那天不太顺利，他事先没咨询清楚，我们走错了路，找了好几个地方才找到结婚登记处。当时我心里特别烦躁，都想打退堂鼓了。进登记处之前，他看得出我不高兴，小心翼翼地问我怎么了。我的眼泪突然夺眶而出，把他吓了一跳。我也不知道自己当时为什么会流泪，也许心里还是觉得委屈，不甘心。赵志刚默默地看着我哭，没有说话。我擦干了眼泪，在路边站了一会儿，问他眼睛还红吗？He shook his head.我平复好情绪，下定决心似的和他走进了结婚登记处的大门