Chapter 4 Chapter 4 Now

"Heather, can you talk about your confidence issues?" Dr. Peterson's voice interrupted my contemplation.I'm not sure how long he talked, I didn't listen.But this question annoys me. "My self-confidence is fine." I retorted, and my face sank.I was really angry with myself, and when I was provoked by him, I opened my mouth to speak. Two to one, he won another game.This is another reason for my anger.He smiled triumphantly. "You don't deny your reluctance to talk about your feelings, do you? In other words, you don't believe in your self-worth. Let's talk about your feelings for your friend Douglas."

I opened my mouth to correct him: Dodge didn't like being called Douglas, but I shut it again.Take a deep breath, calm down, and restore your indifferent expression.I won't talk about Dodgers.Won't talk to him about the Dodgers. An hour passed, and I could tell the tide had turned, now in Peterson's favour.The smugness I had pretended to be when I walked in crumbled under my feet.With great effort, I forced a smile on him.There was no warmth in this smile, but a hint of madness.I saw him twist his body uncomfortably under my gaze, and now I smiled from the bottom of my heart, almost uncontrollably.He cleared his throat.

What will be his next move?The topic of self-confidence hit me hard, and I was a little distracted at the time.At this moment, I am fully concentrated.Just like a boxer standing in the ring, he concentrates and waits for his opponent to make a move.Maybe it's a hard jab, maybe it's an uppercut, maybe it's an uppercut.How would he deliver that knockout punch? Just when Peterson was thinking about it, I made up my mind to pretend to be indifferent and guard against death.I sighed and looked away as if I was bored. I am indeed bored.I'm tired of our endless circles.Tired of pretending I'm sane now when I've never been crazy in the first place.Tired of dreaming that I can get out of this ghost place.

At least I tell myself I'm bored.And I almost believed it. I was actually very scared in my heart.Fear has always been with me, and at this moment, it stirs in my heart, but I have been with it for so long that I can almost ignore it.At this moment, the sky is bright and the sun is shining, and the shadow in my heart is driven back, almost defeated.And the only monster sat across from me. "Heather, I talked to your mother." He paused, eager to see my reaction.I blinked, indifferent. "She told me you've been refusing to answer her calls..." He didn't go on, expecting my response to fill the silence.Any reaction will do.

I had only one reaction: that I had nothing to say to her. I didn't say that.Not just because I didn't want to please him, thinking I had opened up to him, but because I didn't want to admit it, even to myself.But this is my real opinion.I have nothing to say.It's true for her, and it's true for the rest of my family.Because, they don't believe me... I will never speak to them unless they believe me. I do the same with Peterson.It's just that to me he doesn't matter at all. He didn't make a sound, just hoped that I could speak, and the silence continued like this.I start to look at his desk.I pulled the corners of my mouth, revealing a smile.The silver letter opener was missing.When I first came here, it was on his desk, in the most prominent position.It's been there every time I've come since.How stupid a psychiatrist would be to have such a thing in his office.sharp.fatal.I promise, I'm by no means the only one who tried to stab him in the neck with that knife.I'm just curious, will I be the one who finally succeeds...

"Heather?" I looked up when he called my name in a questioning tone.It was just a subconscious action, but it made me very angry.I stared at him with burning, contemptuous eyes.He bowed, thinking he saw tears. "She'd love to see you." He lowered his voice and was patient, friendly, and accommodating.You can almost hear the love in his tone. Like the squeak of wool with teeth.I don't respond.Oh, I curled my lips, I couldn't help it. "Your mother is giving you a second chance," he reproached softly. Yeah?I smiled bitterly in my heart.It's up to me to give her a second chance.If I decide to do it.

I calmed down again and continued to look at him with a smile.I know what's next.Another round of fierce offensive.Saying that if the gap between me and my family is repaired, it means that I have improved.Maybe it will allow me to continue climbing his ladder of trust. But what he said next surprised me. "Tell me about Ishizuka, Heather. Tell me about what you saw there."