Chapter 40 BONES

It was Christmas Eve; it was late; it was snowing hard. The first taxi driver and the second refused to take me so far out of town on such a night, but the third, indifferent of expression, must have been moved by the ardor of my request, for he shrugged his shoulders and let me in. “We'll give it a go,” he warned gruffly. We drove out of town and the snow continued to fall, piling up meticulously, flake by flake, on every inch of earth, every hedge top, every bough. After the last village, the last farmhouse, we found ourselves in a white landscape, the road indistinguishable at times from the flat land all about, and I shrank into my seat, expecting at any moment that the driver would give up and turn back. Only my clear directions reassured him that we were in fact on a road. out myself to open the first gate, then we found ourselves at the second set, the main gates of the house.

'I hope you'll find your way back all right," I said. 'Me? I'll be all right," he said with another shrug. As I expected, the gates were locked. Not wanting the driver to think I was some kind of thief, I pretended to be looking for my keys in my bag while he turned the car. Only when he was some distance away did I grab hold of the bars of the gate and clamber over. The kitchen door was not locked. I pulled off my boots, shook the snow off my coat and hung it up. I walked through the empty kitchen and made my way to Emmeline's quarters, where I knew Miss Winter would be. Full of accusations, full of questions, I stoked my rage; it was for Aurelius and for the woman whose bones had lain for sixty years in the burned-out ruins of Angelfield's library. For all my inward storming, my approach was silent; fury of my tread. I did not knock but pushed the door open and went straight in. The curtains were still closed. At Emmeline's bedside Miss Winter was sitting quietly. Startled by my entrance, she stared at me, an extraordinary shimmer in her eyes .

“Bones!” I hissed at her. “They have found bones at Angelfield!” I was all eyes, all ears, waiting on tenterhooks for an admission to emerge from her. Whether it was in word or expression or gesture did not matter. She would make it, and I would read it. Except that there was something in the room trying to distract me from my scrutiny. 'Bones?" said Miss Winter. She was paper-white and there was an ocean in her eyes, vast enough to drown all my fury. "Oh," she said. Oh. What richness of vibration a single syllable can contain. Fear. despair. Sorrow and resignation. Relief, of a dark, unconsoling kind.

And then the nagging distraction in the room swelled so urgently in my mind that there was no room for anything else. What was it? Some-ting extraneous to my drama of the bones. Something that preceded y intrusion. For a faltering second I was confused, then all the insignificant things I had noticed without noticing came together. The atmosphere in the room. The closed curtains. The aqueous transparency Miss Winter's eyes. The fact that the steel core that had always been r essence seemed to have simply gone from her. My attention narrowed to one thing: Where was the slow tide of Emmeline's breath? No sound came to my ears.

'No! She's—" I fell to my knees by the bed and stared. 'Yes," Miss Winter said softly. "She's gone. It was a few minutes ago." I gazed at Emmeline's empty face. Nothing really had changed. Her scars were still angrily red; her lips had the same sideways slant; her eyes were still green. I touched her twisted patchwork hand, and her skin was warm. She was gone? Absolutely, irrevocably gone? It seemed impossible that it should be so. Surely she had not deserted us completely? Surely there was something of her left behind to console us? Was there no spell, no talisman, no magic that would bring her back? Was there nothing I could say that would reach her?

It was the warmth in her hand that persuaded me she could hear me. It was the warmth in her hand that brought all the words into my chest, falling over each other in their impatience to fly into Emmeline's ear. 'Find my sister, Emmeline. Please find her. Tell her I'm waiting for her. Tell her—" My throat was too narrow for all the words and they broke against each other as they rose, choking, out of me. " Tell her I miss her! Tell her I'm lonely!“ The words launched themselves impetuously, urgently from my lips. With fervor they flew across the space between us, chasing Emmeline. ”Tell her I can't wait any longer! her to cornel"

But I was too late. The divide had come down. Invisible. Irrevocable. Implacable. My words flew like birds into a pane of glass. 'Oh, my poor child.“ I felt the touch of Miss Winter's hand on my shoulder, and while I cried over the corpses of my broken words, her hand remained there, lightly. Eventually I dried my eyes. There were only a few words left. Rattling around loose without their old companions. “She was my twin,” I said. I pulled at the jumper tucked into my skirt, revealed my torso to the light. My scar. My half-moon. Pale silver-pink, a nacreous translucence. The line that divides.

'This is where she was. We were joined here. And they separated us. And she died. She couldn't live without me." I felt the flutter of Miss Winter's fingers tracing the crescent on my skin, saw the tender sympathy in her face. 'The thing is—" (the final words, the very last words, after this I need never say anything, ever again) "I don't think I can live without her" 'Child.“ Miss Winter looked at me. Held me suspended in the compassion of her eyes. I thought nothing. The surface of my mind was perfectly still. But under the surface there was a shifting and a stirring. I felt the great swell of the undercurrent. For years a wreck had sat in the depths, a rusting vessel with its cargo of bones. Now it shifted. I had disturbed it, and it created a turbulence that lifted clouds of sand from the seabed, motes of grit swirling wildly in the dark disturbed water.

All the time Miss Winter held me in her long green gaze. Then slowly, slowly, the sand resettled and the water returned to its quietness, slowly, slowly. And the bones resettled in the rusting hold. “You asked me once for my story ,” I said. “And you told me you didn’t have one.” "Now you know, I do have one." 'I never doubted it." She smiled a poor regretful smile. "When I invited you here I thought I knew your story already. I had read your essay about the Landier brothers. Such a good essay, it was. You knew so much about siblings. Insider knowledge, I thought. And the more I looked at your essay, the more I thought you must have a twin. And so I fixed upon you to be my biographer. Because if after all these years of tale telling I was tempted to lie to you, you would find me out."

'I have found you out." She nodded, tranquil, sad, unsurprised. “About time, too. How much do you know?” 'What you told me. Only a subplot, is how you put it. You told me the story of Isabelle and her twins, and I wasn't paying attention. The subplot was Charlie and his rampages. You kept pointing me in the direction of Jane Eyre. The book about the outsider in the family. The motherless cousin. I don't know who your mother was. And how you came to be at Angelfield without her." Sadly she shook her head. “Anyone who might have known the answer to those questions is dead, Margaret.”

'Can't you remember?" 'I am human. Like all humans, I do not remember my birth. By the time we wake up to ourselves, we are little children, and our advent is something that happened an eternity ago, at the beginning of time. We live like latecomers at the theater; we must catch up as best we can, divining the beginning from the shape of later events. How many times have I gone back to the border of memory and peered into the darkness beyond? But it is not only memories that hover on the border. There are all sorts of phantasmagoria that inhabit that realm. The nightmares of a lonely child. Fairy tales appropriate by a mind hungry for story. The fantasies of an imaginative little girl anxious to explain to herself the inexplicable. I may have discovered on the frontier of forgetting, I do not pretend to myself that it is the truth.” “All children mythologize their birth.” 'Quite. The only thing I can be sure of is what John-the-dig told me." 'And what did he tell you?" 'That I appeared like a weed between two strawberries." She told me the story. Someone was getting at the strawberries. Not birds, because they pecked and left pitted berries. And not the twins, because they trampled the plants and left footprints all over the plot. No, some light-footed thief was taking a berry here and a berry there. Neatly, without disturbing a thing. Another gardener wouldn't even have noticed. The same day John noticed a pool of water under his garden tap. The tap was dripping. his head, and went about his business. But he kept an eye out. The next day he saw a figure in the strawberries. A little scarecrow, barely knee-high, in an overlarge hat that drooped down over its face. It ran off when it saw him. But the day after it was so determined to get its fruit that he had to yell and wave his arms to chase it off. Afterward he thought he couldn't put a name to it. Who in the village had a mite that size, small and underfed? Who around here would let their child go Stealing fruit from other people's gardens? He was stumped for an answer. And someone had been in the potting shed. He hadn't left the old newspapers in that state, had he? And those crates—they'd been put away tidy; For once he put on the padlock before he went home. Passing by the garden tap, he noticed it dripping again. Gave it a firm half turn without even thinking about it. Then, putting his weight into it, another quarter turn. In the night he awoke, uneasy in his mind for reasons he couldn't account for. Where would you sleep, he found himself wondering, if you couldn't get into the potting shed and make yourself a bed with newspapers in a crate? And where would you get water if the tap was turned off so tight you couldn't move it? Chiding himself for his midnight foolishness, he opened the window to feel the temperature. Too late for frosts. Cool for the time of year, though And how much colder if you were hungry? And how much darker if you were a child? He shook his head and closed the window. No one would abandon a child in his garden, would they? Of course they wouldn't. Nevertheless, before five he was up and out of bed. He took his walk around the garden early, surveying his vegetables, the topiary garden, planning his work for the day. All morning he kept an eye out for a floppy hat in the fruit bushes. But there was nothing to be seen. 'What's the matter with you?' said the Missus when he sat in silence at her kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. 'Nothing,' he said. He drained his cup and went back to the garden. He stood and scanned the fruit bushes with anxious eyes. Nothing. At lunchtime he ate half a sandwich, discovered he had no appetite and left the other half on an upturned flowerpot by the garden tap. Telling himself he was a fool, he put a biscuit next to it. quite an effort even for him. He let the water fall, noisy, into a tin watering can, emptied it into the nearest bed and refilled it. The thunder of splashing water resounded around the vegetable garden. around. Then he took himself a little way off, knelt on the grass, his back to the tap, and started brushing off some old pots. It was an important job; it had to be done; your pots properly between planting. Behind him, the squeak of the tap. He didn't turn instantly. He finished the pot he was doing, brush, brush, brush. Then he was quick. On his feet, over to the tap, faster than a fox. But there was no need for such haste. The child, frightened, tried to flee but stumbled. Picking itself up, it limped on a few more steps, then stumbled again. John caught it up, lifted it—the weight of a cat, no more—turned it to face him, and the hat fell off. Little chap was a bag of bones. Starving. Eyes gone crusty, hair black with dirt, and smelly. Two hot red spots for cheeks. He put a hand to the child's forehead and it was burning up. Back in the potting shed he saw its feet. No shoes, scabby and swollen, pus oozing through the dirt. A thorn or something, deep inside. The child trembled. Fever, pain, starvation, fear. If he found an animal in that state, John thought, he' d get his gun and put it out of its misery. He locked it in the shed and went to fetch the Missus. She came. She peered, right up close, got a whiff and stepped back. 'No, no, I don't know whose he is. Perhaps if we cleaned him up a bit?" 'Dunk him in the water butt, you mean?" 'Water butt indeed! I'll go and fill the tub in the kitchen." They peeled the stinking rags away from the child. “They're for the bonfire,” the Missus said, and tossed them out into the yard. The dirt went all the way down to the skin; the child was encrusted. The first tube of water turned instantly black. In order to empty and refill the tub, they lifted the child out, and it stood, wavering, on its better foot. Naked and dripping, streaked with rivulets of gray-brown water, all ribs and elbows. They looked at the child; at each other; at the child again. 'John, I may be poor of sight, but tell me, are you not seeing what I'm not seeing?" 'Aye." 'Little chap indeed! It's a little maid." They boiled kettle after kettle, scrubbed at skin and hair with soap, brushed hardened dirt out from under the nails. Once she was clean they sterilized tweezers, pulled the thorn from the foot—she flinched but didn't cry out—and they dressed and bandaged the wound. They gently rubbed warmed castor oil into the crust around the eyes. They put calamine lotion onto the flea bites, petroleum jelly onto the chapped, split lips. They combed tangles out of long, matted hair. against her forehead and her burning cheeks. At last they wrapped her in a clean towel and sat her at the kitchen table, where the Missus spooned soup into her mouth and John peeled her an apple. Gulping down the soup, grabbing at the apple slices, she couldn't get it down fast enough. The Missus cut a slice of bread and spread it with butter. The child ate it ravenously. They watched her. The eyes, cleared of their crust, were slivers of emerald green. The hair was drying to a bright red-gold. The cheekbones jutted wide and sharp in the hungry face. 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' said John. 'Aye." 'Will we tell him?" 'No." 'But she does belong here." 'Aye." They thought for a moment or two. 'What about a doctor?' The pink spots in the child's face were not so bright. The Missus put a hand to the forehead. Still hot, but better. 'We'll see how she goes tonight. Get the doctor in the morning." 'If needs be." 'Aye. If needs be." 'And so it was settled," Miss Winter said. "I stayed." 'What was your name?' 'The Missus tried to call me Mary, but it didn't stick. John called me Shadow, because I stuck to him like a shadow. He taught me to read, you know, with seed catalogs in the shed, but I soon discovered the library. Emmeline didn't call me anything. She didn't need to, for I was always there. You only need names for the absent." I thought about it all for a while in silence. The ghost child. No mother. No name. The child whose very existence was a secret. It was impossible not to feel compassion. And yet… 'What about Aurelius? You knew what it was like to grow up without a mother! Why did he have to be abandoned? The bones they found at Angelfield... I know it must have been Adeline who killed John-the-dig, but what happened to her afterwards? Tell me, what happened the night of the fire?" We were talking in the dark, and I couldn't see the expression on Miss Winter's face, but she seemed to shiver as she glanced at the figure in the bed. 'Pull the sheet over her face, would you? I will tell you about the baby. I will tell you about the fire. But first, perhaps you could call Judith? She does not know yet. She will need to call Dr. Clifton . There are things that need to be done.” When she came, Judith's first care was for the living. She took one look at Miss Winter's pallor and insisted on putting her to bed and seeing to her medication before anything. Together we wheeled her to her rooms; Judith helped her into her nightgown; I made a hot-water bottle and folded the bed down. 'I'll telephone Dr. Clifton now," Judith said. "Will you stay with Miss Winter?" But it was only a few minutes later that she reappeared in the bedroom doorway and beckoned me into the anteroom. 'I couldn't speak to him," she told me in a whisper. "It's the telephone. The snow has brought the line down." We were cut off. I thought of the policeman's telephone number on the piece of paper in my bag and was relieved. We arranged that I would stay with Miss Winter for the first shift, so that Judith could go to Emmeline's room and do what needed to be done there. She would relieve me later, when Miss Winter's next medication was due. It was going to be a long night. BABYIn Miss Winter's narrow bed, her frame was marked by only the smallest rise and fall in the bedclothes. Warily she stole each breath, as though she expected to be ambushed at any minute. The light from the lamp sought out her skeleton: It caught her pale cheekbone and illuminated the white arc of her brow; it sank her eye in a deep pool of shadow. Over the back of my chair lay a gold silk shawl. I draped it over the shade so that it might diffuse the light, warm it, make it fall less brutally upon Miss Winter's face. Quietly I sat, quietly I watched, and when she spoke I barely heard her whisper. 'The truth? Let me see... The words drifted from her lips into the air; they hung there trembling, then found their way and began their journey. I was not kind to Ambrose. I could have been. In another world, I might have been. It wouldn't have been so very hard: He was tall and strong and his hair was gold in the sun. and I was not indifferent. But I hardened my heart. I was bound to Emmeline. 'Am I not good enough for you?“ he asked me one day. He came straight out with it, like that. I pretended not to hear, but he insisted. “If I'm not good enough, you tell me so to my face!” 'You can't read," I said, "and you can't write!" He smiled. Took my pencil from the kitchen windowsill and began to scratch letters onto a piece of paper. He was slow. The letters were uneven. But it was clear enough. Ambrose. He wrote his name and when he had done it, he took the paper and held it out to show me. I snatched it out of his hand, screwed it into a ball and tossed it to the floor. He stopped coming into the kitchen for his tea break. I drank my tea in the Missus's chair, missing my cigarette, while I listened for the sound of his step or the ring of his spade. When he came to the house with the meat, he passed the bag without a word, eyes averted, face frozen. He had given up. Later, cleaning the kitchen, I came across the piece of paper with his name on it. I felt ashamed of myself and put the paper in is game bag hanging behind the kitchen door, so it would be out of sight. When did I realize Emmeline was pregnant? A few months after the boy stopped coming for tea. I knew it before she knew herself; she was hardly one to notice the changes in her body, or to realize the consciences. I questioned her about Ambrose .It was hard to make her understand the sense of my questions, and she quite failed to see why I was angry. “He was so sad” was all she would tell me. “You were too unkind.” She spoke very gently, full of compassion for the boy, velveting her reproach for me. I could have shaken her. 'You do realize that you're going to have a baby now, don't you?" Mild astonishment passed across her face, then left it tranquil as before. Nothing, it seemed, could disturb her serenity. I dismissed Ambrose. I gave him his pay till the end of the week and it him away. I didn't look at him while I spoke to him. I didn't give him any reasons. He didn't ask any questions. ”You may as well go immediately," I told him, but that wasn't his way. He finished the row of planting I had interrupted, cleaned the tools scrubulously, the way John had taught him, and put them back in the garden shed, leaving everything neat and tidy. Then he knocked at the kitchen door. 'What will you do for meat? Do you know how to kill a chicken at least?" I shook my head. 'Come on." He jerked his head in the direction of the pen, and I followed him. 'Don't waste any time," he instructed me. "Clean and quick is the way. No second thoughts." He swooped on one of the copper-feathered birds pecking about our feet and held its body firmly. He mimed the action that would break its neck. “See?” I nodded. 'Go on then." He released the bird and it flurried to the ground where its round back was soon indistinguishable from its neighbors. 'Now?" 'What else are you going to eat tonight?" The sun was gleaming on the feathers of the hens as they pecked for seeds. I reached for a bird, but it scuttled away. The second one slipped through my fingers in the same way. Grabbing for a third, this time, clumsily, I held on to it. It squawked and tried to beat its wings in its panic to escape, and I wondered how the boy had held his so easily. As I struggled to keep it still under my arm and get my hands around its neck at the same time, I felt the boy's severe eye upon me. 'Clean and quick," he reminded me. He doubted me, I could tell from his voice. I was going to kill the bird. I had decided to kill the bird. So, gripping the bird's neck, I squeezed. But my hands would only half obey me. A strangled cry of alarm flew from the bird's throat, and for a second I hesitated. With a muscular twist and a flap, the bird slipped from under my arm. It was only because I was struck by the paralysis of panic that I still had it by the neck. Wings beating, claws flailing wildly at the air, almost it lurched away from me. Swiftly, powerfully, the boy took the bird out of my grasp and in a single movement he had done it. He held the body out to me; I forced myself to take it. Warm, heavy, still. The sun shone on his hair as he looked at me. His look was worse than the claws, worse than the beating wings. Worse than the limp body in my hands. Without a word he turned his back and walked away. What good was the boy to me? My heart was not mine to give; it belonged to another, and always had. I loved Emmeline. I believe that Emmeline loved me, too. Only she loved Adeline more. It is a painful thing to love a twin. When Adeline was there, Emmeline's heart was full. She had no need of me, and I was left on the outside, a cast-off, a superfluity, a mere observer of the twins and their twinness. Only when Adeline went roaming alone was there space in Emmeline's heart for another. Then her sorrow was my joy. Little by little I coaxed her away from her loneliness, offering gifts of silver thread and shiny baubles, until she almost forgot absheon had been and gave myself over to the friendship and companionship I could offer. By a fire we played cards, sang, talked. Together we were happy. Until Adeline came back. Furious with cold and hunger, she would come raging into the house, and the instant she was there, our world of two came to an end, and I was on the outside again. It wasn't fair. Though Adeline beat her and pulled her hair, Emmeline loved her. Though Adeline abandoned her, Emmeline loved her. Whatever Adeline did, it altered nothing, for Emmeline's love was total. And me? My hair was copper like Adeline's. My eyes were green like Adeline's. In the absence of Adeline, I could fool anyone. But I never fooled Emmeline. knew the truth. Emmeline had her baby in January. No one knew. As she had grown bigger, so she had grown lazier; it was no hardship for her to keep to the confines of the house. She was content to stay inside, yawning in the library, the kitchen, her bedroom. retreat was not noticed. Why should it have been? The only visitor to the house was Mr. Lomax; he came on regular days at regular hours. Easy as pie to have her out of the way by the time he knocked on the door. Our contact with other people was slight. For meat and vegetables we were self-sufficient—I never learned to like killing chickens, but I learned to do it. As for other provisions, I went to the farm in person to collect cheese and milk , and when once a week the shop sent a boy on a bicycle with our other requirements, I met him on the drive and carried the basket to the house myself. I thought it would be a sensible precaution to have another twin seen by someone at least from time to time. Once, when Adeline seemed calm enough, I gave her the coin and sent her to meet the boy on the bicycle. “It was the other one today,” I imagined him saying, back at the shop.” The weird one.” And I wondered what the doctor would make of it if the boy’s account reached his ears. But it soon grew impossible to use Adeline like this again. Emmeline’s pregnancy affected her twin curiously: For the first time in her life she discovered an appetite. From being a scrawny bag of bones, she developed plump curves and full breasts. There were times—in half-light, from certain angles—when for a moment even I could not tell them apart. So from time to time on a Wednesday morning, I would be Adeline. , grime my nails, set my face into a tight, agitated mask and go down the drive to meet the boy on the bicycle. Seeing the speed of my gait as I came down the gravel drive to meet him, he would know it was the other one. I could see his fingers curl anxiously around his handlebars. Watching me surreptitiously, he handed over the basket, then he pocketed his tip and was glad to bicycle away. The following week, when he was met by me as myself, his smile had a touch of relief in it. Hiding the pregnancy was not difficult. But I was troubled during those months of waiting about the birth itself. I knew what the dangers of labor might be. Isabelle's mother had not survived her second labor, and I could not put this thought out of my head for more than a few hours at a time. That Emmeline should suffer, that her life should be put in danger—this was unthinkable. On the other hand, the doctor had been no friend of ours and I did not want him at the house. He had seen Isabelle and took her away. That could not be allowed to happen to Emmeline. He had separated Emmeline and Adeline. That could not be allowed to happen to Emmeline and me. Besides, how could he come without there being immediate complications? And although he had been persuaded, though he did not understand it, that the girl in the mist had broken through the carapace of the mute rag-doll Adeline who had once spent several months with him, if he were once to realize that there were three girls at Angelfi old House, he would immediately see the truth of the affair. For a single visit, for the birth itself, I could lock Adeline in the old nursery, and we might get away with it. But once it was known there was a baby in the house, there would be no end of visits. It would be impossible to keep our secret. I was well aware of the fragility of my position. I knew I belonged here, I knew it was my place. I had no home but Angelfield, no love but Emmeline, no life but this one here, yet I was under no illusions about how tenuous my claim would seem to others. What friends did I have? The doctor could hardly be expected to speak up for me, and though Mr. Lomax was kind to me now, once he knew I had impersonated Adeline, it was inevitable that his attitude would alter. Emmeline's affection for me and mine for her would count as nothing. Emmeline herself, ignorant and placid, let the days of her confinement pass by untroubled. For me the time was spent in an agony of indecision. How to keep Emmeline safe? How to keep myself safe? Every day I put off the decision to the next. During the first months I felt sure the solution would come to me in time. Had I not resolved everything else, against the odds? Then this, too, could be arranged. But as the time grew nearer, the problem grew more urgent and I was no nearer a decision. I veered in the space of a minute between grabbing my coat to go to the doctor's house, there and then, to tell him everything, and the contrary thought: that to do so was to reveal myself, and that to reveal myself could only lead to my banishment. Tomorrow, I told myself, as I replaced my coat on the hook. I will think of something tomorrow. But then it was too late for tomorrow. I woke to a cry. Emmeline! But it was not Emmeline. Emmeline was huffing and panting; like a beast she snorted and sweated; her eyes bulged and she showed her teeth, but she did not cry out. She ate her pain and it turned to strength inside her. The cry that had woken me, and the cries that continued to resound all around the house, were not hers but Adeline's, and they did not cease till morning, when Emmeline's infant, a boy, was delivered. It was the seventh of January. Emmeline slept; she smiled in her sleep. I bathed the baby. He opened his eyes and goggled, astounded by the touch of the warm water. The sun rose. The time for decisions had come and gone, and no decision had been made, yet here we were, on the other side of disaster, and we were safe. My life could go on.