Chapter 12 XI

I got Molly to run down his relatives and we finally found his dad in San Saba. I left to go up there on a Friday evenin and I remember thinkin to myself when I left that this was probably another dumb thing I was fixin to do but I went anyways. Id done talked to him on the phone. He didnt sound like he was waitin to see me or he wasn't waitin but he said to come on so here I went. Checked in a motel when I got there and drove out to his house in the mornin. His wife had died some years back. We set out on the porch and drunk iced tea and I guess wed of set there from now on if I hadnt of said somethin. He was a bit older me.

Ten years maybe. I told him what Id come to tell him. About his boy. Told him the facts. He just set there and nodded. He was settin in a swing and he just rocked back and forth a little and held that glass of tea in his lap. I didnt know what else to say so I just shut up and we set there for quite some time. And then he said, and he didnt look at me, he just looked out across the yard, and he said: He was the best rifleshot I ever saw. Bar none. I didnt know what to say. I said: Yessir . He was a sniper in Vietnam you know. I said I didn't know that. He was not in no drug deals.

No sir. He was not. He nodded. He wasn't raised that way, he said. Yessir. Was you in the war? Yes I was. European theatre. He nodded. Llewelyn when he come home he went to visit several families of buddies of his that had not made it back. He give it up. He didnt know what to say to em. He said he could see em settin there look at him and wishin he was dead. You could see it in their faces. In the place of their own loved one, you understand. Yessir. I can understand that. I can too. But aside from that theyd all done things over there that theyd just as soon left over there. We didnt have nothin like that in the war. Or very little of it. He smacked the tar out of one or two of them hippies. Spittin on him. Callin him a babykiller. A lot of them boys that come back, they still havin problems. I thought it was because they didnt have the country behind em. But I think it might be worse than that even. country they did have was in pieces. It still is. It wasn't the hippies fault. It wasn't the fault of them boys that got sent over there neither. Eighteen, nineteen year old.

He turned and looked at me. And then I thought he looked a lot older. His eyes looked old. He said: People will tell you it was Vietnam brought this country to its knees. But I never believed that. It was already in bad shape. Vietnam was just the icin on the cake. We didnt have nothin to give to em to take over there. If wed sent em without rifles I dont know as theyd of been all that much worse off. You cant go to war like that. You cant go to war without God. know what is goin to happen when the next one comes. I sure dont. And that was pretty much all that was said. I thanked him for his time. The next day was goin to be my last day in the office and I had a good deal to think about. I drove back to I-10 along the back roads. Drove down to Cherokee and took 501. I tried to put things in perspective but sometimes youre just too close to it. Its a lives work to see yourself for what you really are and even then you might be wrong. I dont want to be wrong about. Ive thought about why it was I wanted to be a lawyer. There was always some part of me that wanted to be in charge. Pretty much insisted on it.

Wanted people to listen to what I had to say. But there was apart of me too that just wanted to pull everbody back in the boat. If I've tried to cultivate anything its been that. I think we are all of us ill prepared for what is to come and I dont care what shape it takes. And whatever comes my guess is that it will have small power to sustain us. These old people I talk to, if you could of told em that there would be people on the streets of our Texas towns with green hair and bones in their noses speakin a language they couldnt even understand, well, they just flat out wouldnt of believed you. But what if youd of told em it was their own grandchildren? Well, all of that is signs and wonders but it dont tell you how it got that way. And it dont tell you nothin about how its fixin to get, neither. Part of it was I always thought I could at least Someway put things right and I guess I just dont feel that way no more. I dont know what I do feel like. I feel like them old people I was talkin about. Which aint goin to get better neither. somethin that I dont have the same belief in it I once did. Asked to believe in somethin I might not h old with the way I once did. Thats the problem. I failed at it even when I did. Now Ive seen it held to the light. Seen any number of believers fall away.

Ive been forced to look at it again and Ive been forced to look at myself. For better or for worse I do not know. I dont know that I would even advise you to throw in with me, and I never had them sorts of doubts before. If Im wiser in the ways of the world it come at a price. Pretty good price too. When I told her I was quittin she at first didnt take me to mean it literally but I told her I did so mean it. told her I hoped the people of this county would have better sense than to even vote for me. I told her I didnt feel right takin their money. She said well you dont mean that and I told her I meant it ever word. Were six Thousand dollars in debt over this job too and I dont know what Im goin to do about that either. Well we just set there for a time. I didnt think it would upset her like it done. Finally I just said: Loretta, I cant do it no more. And she smiled and she said: You aim to quit while you ahead? And I said no mam I just aim to quit. I aint ahead by a damn sight. never will be. One other thing and then Ill shut up. I would just as soon that it hadnt of got told but they put it in the papers. I went up to Ozona and talked to the district attorney up there and they said I could talk to that Mexicans lawyer if I wanted and maybe testify at the trial but that was all they would do.

Meanin that they wouldn't do nothin. So I wound up doin that and of course it didn't come to nothin and the old boy got the death penalty. So I went up to Huntsville to see him and here is what happened. I walked in there and set down and he of course knew who I was as he had seen me at the trial and all and he said: What did you bring me? And I said I didnt bring him nothin and he said well he thought I must of brung him somethin. Some candy or somethin. Said he figured I was sweet on him. I looked at the guard and the guard looked away. man. Mexican, maybe thirty-five, forty year old. Spoke good english. I said to him that I didnt come up there to be insulted but I just wanted him to know that I done the best I could for him and that I was sorry because I didnt think he done it and he just rared back and laughed and he said: Where do they find somebody like you? Have they got you in diapers yet? I shot that son of a bitch right between the eyes and drug him back to his car by the hair of the head and set the car on fire and burned him to grease.

Well. These people can read you pretty good. If I had of smacked him in the mouth that guard would not of said word one. And he knew that. He knew that. I seen that county prosecutor comin out of there and I knew him just a little to talk to and we stopped and visited some. I didnt tell him what had happened but he knew about me tryin to help that man and he might could of put two and two together. I dont know. He didnt ask me nothin about him. Didnt ask me what I was doin up there or nothin. Theres two kinds of people that dont ask a lot of questions. One is too dumb to and the other dont need to. Ill leave it to you to guess which one I figure him to be. He was just standin there in the hall with his briefcase. Like he had all the time in the world. He told me that when he got out of law school he had been a defense attorney for a while. He said it made his life too complicated. his life bein lied to on a daily basis just as a matter of course. I told him that a lawyer one time told me that in law school they try and teach you not to worry about right and wrong but just follow the law and I said I wasn't so sure about that. He thought about that and he nodded and he said that he pretty much had to agree with that lawyer. He said that if you dont follow the law right and wrong wont save you. Which I guess I can see the sense of But it dont change the way I think. Finally I asked him if he knew who Mammon was. And he said: Mammon?

Yes. Mammon. You mean like in God and Mammon? Yessir. Well, he said, I cant say as I do. I know its in the bible. Is it the devil? I dont know. Im goin to look it up. I got a feelin I ought to know who it is. He kindly smiled and he said: You sound like he might be getting ready to take up the spare bedroom. Well, I said, that would be one concern. In any case I feel I need to familiarize myself with his habits. He nodded. Kind of smiled. Then he did ask me a question. He said: This mystery man you think killed that trooper and burned him up in his car. What do you know about him?

I dont know nothin. I wish I did. Or I think I wish it. Yeah. He's pretty much a ghost. Is he pretty much or is he one? No, he's out there. I wish he wasn't. But he is. He nodded. I guess if he was a ghost you wouldn't have to worry about him. I said that was right, but Ive thought about it since and I think the answer to his question is that when you encounter certain things in the world, the evidence for certain things, you realize that you have come upon somethin that you may very well not be equal to and I think that this is one of them things. When you've said that its real and not just in your head Im not all that sure what it is you have said.

Loretta did say one thing. She said somethin to the effect that it wasn't my fault and I said it was. And I had thought about that too. I told her that if you got a bad enough dog in your yard people will stay out of it. And they didnt. WHEN HE GOT HOME she wasn't there but her car was. He walked out to the barn and her horse was gone. He started to go back to the house but then he stopped and he thought about her maybe being hurt and he went to the tackroom and got his saddle down and carried it out into the bay and whistled at his horse and watched his head come up over the stall door down at the end of the barn with his ears scissoring. He rode out with the reins in one hand, patting the horse. He talked to the horse as he went. Feels good to be out, dont it. You know where they went? Thats all right. Dont you worry about it. Well find em. Forty minutes later he saw her and stopped and sat the horse and watched. She was riding along a red dirt ridge to the south sitting with her hands crossed on the pommel, looking toward the last of the sun, the horse slogging slowly through the loose sandy dirt, the red stain of it following them in the still air. Thats my heart yonder, he told the horse. They rode together out to Warners Well and dismounted and sat under the cottonwoods while the horses grazed. Doves coming in to the tanks. Late in the year. We wont be seein them much longer. She smiled. Late in the year, she said. You hate it. Leavin here? Leavin here. Im all right. Because of me though, aint it? She smiled. Well, she said, past a certain age I dont guess there is any such thing as good change. I guess were in trouble then. Well be all right. I think Im goin to like havin you home for dinner. I like being home any time. I remember when Daddy retired Mama told him: I said for better or for worse but I didnt say nothin about lunch. Bell smiled. Ill bet she wishes he could come home now. Ill bet she does too. Ill bet I do, for that matter. I shouldn't ought to of said that. You didn't say nothin wrong. You'd say that anyways. Thats my job. Bell smiled. You wouldn't tell me if I was in the wrong? Nope. What if I wanted you to? Tough. He watched the little brindled desert doves come stooping in under the dull rose light. Is that true? he said. Pretty much. Not altogether. Is that a good idea? Well, she said. Whatever it was I expect youd get it figured out with no help from me. And if it was somethin we just disagreed about I reckon Id get over it. Where I might not. She smiled and put her hand on his. Put it up, she said. Its nice just to be here. Yes mam. It is indeed.