Chapter 10 IX

I HAD TO TAKE HER at her word. Not a lot else you could do. I never saw her again. I wanted to tell her that the way they had it in the papers wasn't right. was a runaway. Fifteen years old. I dont believe that he had anything to do with her and I hate it that she thought that. Which you know she did. I called her a number of times but shed hang up on me and I cant blame her. Then when they called me from Odessa and told me what had happened I couldn't hardly believe it. It didnt make no sense. I drove up there but there wasn't nothin to be done. Her grandmother had just died too. I tried to see if I could get his fingerprints off the FBI database but they just drew a blank. his name was and what hed done and all such as that. You end up lookin like a fool. Hes a ghost. But hes out there.

You wouldn't think it would be possible to just come and go that away. I keep waitin to hear somethin else. Maybe I will yet. Or maybe not. Its easy to fool yourself. Tell yourself what you want to hear. night and you think about things. I aint sure anymore what it is I do want to hear. You tell yourself that maybe this business is over. But you know it aint. My daddy always told me to just do the best you knew how and tell the truth. He said there was nothin to set a mans mind at ease like wakin up in the morning and not havin to decide who you were. And if you done somethin wrong just stand up and say you done it and say you're sorry and get on with it. Dont haul stuff around with you. I guess all that sounds pretty simple today. Even to me.

He didnt say a lot so I tend to remember what he did say. And I dont remember that he had a lot of patience with havin to say things twice so I learned to listen the first time. I might of strayed from all of that some as a younger man but when I got back on that road I pretty much decided not to quit it again and I didnt. I think the truth is always simple. It has pretty much got to be. It needs to be simple enough for a child to understand. Otherwise itd be too late. By the time you figured it out it would be too late. CHIGURH STOOD AT THE receptionists desk dressed in suit and tie. He set the case in the floor at his feet and looked around the office.

How do you spell that? she said. He told her. Is he expecting you? No. Hes not. But hes going to be glad to see me. Just a minute. She buzzed the inner office. There was a silence. Then she hung the phone up. Go right in, she said. He opened the door and walked in and a man at the desk stood up and looked at him. He came around the desk and held out his hand. I know that name, he said. They sat on a sofa in the corner of the office and Chigurh set the case on the coffeetable and nodded at it. Thats yours, he said. What is it? Its some money that belongs to you. The man sat looking at the case. Then he got up and went over to the desk and leaned and pushed a button. Hold my calls, he said.

He turned and put his hands on either side of the desk behind him and leaned back and studied Chigurh. How did you find me? What difference does it make? It makes a difference to me. You dont have to worry. Nobody else is coming. How do you know? Because Im in charge of who is coming and who is not. I think we need to address the issue here. I dont want to spend a lot of time trying to put your mind at ease. I think it would be both hopeless and thankless. So lets talk about money. All right. Some of it is missing. About a hundred thousand dollars. Part of that was stolen and part of it went to cover my expenses. Ive been at some pains to recover your property so Id prefer not to be addressed as some sort of bearer of bad news here. There is two point three mil in that case. Im sorry I couldnt recover it all, but there you are.

The man hadnt moved. After a while he said: Who the hell are you? My name is Anton Chigurh. I know that. Then why did you ask? What do you want. I guess thats my question. Well. Id say that the purpose of my visit is simply to establish my bonafides. As someone who is an expert in a difficult field. As someone who is completely reliable and completely honest. Something like that. Someone I might do business with. Yes. Youre serious. Completely. Chigurh watched him. He watched the dilation in his eyes and the pulse in the artery of his neck. The rate of his breathing. When hed first put his hands on the desk behind him he had looked somewhat relaxed. identical attitude but he didn't look that way anymore.

Theres not a bomb in that damn bag is there? No. No bombs. Chigurh undid the straps and unlatched the brass hasp and opened the leather flap and tipped the case forward. Yes, the man said. Put that away. Chigurh closed the bag. The man stood up from his leaning against the desk. He wiped his mouth with his foreknuckle. I think what you need to consider, Chigurh said, is how you lost this money in the first place. Who you listened to and what happened when you did. Yes. We cant talk here. I understand. In any case I dont expect you to absorb all of this at one sitting. Ill call you in two days time.

All right. Chigurh rose from the couch. The man nodded toward the case. You could do a lot of business on your own with that, he said. Chigurh smiled. We have a lot to talk about, he said. Well be dealing with new people now. There wont be any more problems. What happened to the old people? They've moved on to other things. Not everyone is suited to this line of work. The prospect of outsized profits leads people to exaggerate their own capabilities. In their minds. They pretend to themselves that they are in control of events where perhaps they are not And it is always ones stance upon uncertain ground that invites the attentions of ones enemies. Or discourages it.

And you? What about your enemies? I have no enemies. I dont permit such a thing. He looked around the room. Nice office, he said. Low key. He nodded to a painting on the wall. Is that original? The man looked at the painting. No, he said. Its not. But I own the original. I keep it in a vault. Excellent, said Chigurh. The funeral was on a cold and windy day in March. She stood beside her grandmothers sister. The sisters husband sat in front of her in a wheelchair with his chin resting in his hand. The dead woman had more friends than she would have reckoned. She was surprised. Theyd come with their faces veiled in black. She put her hand on her uncles shoulder and he reached up across his chest and patted it. She had thought maybe he was asleep. talked she had the feeling that someone was watching her. Twice she even looked around.

It was dark when she got home. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on and sat at the kitchen table. She hadnt felt like crying. Now she did. She lowered her face into her folded arms. Oh Mama, she said. When she went upstairs and turned on the light in her bedroom Chigurh was sitting at the little desk waiting for her. She stood in the doorway, her hand falling slowly away from the wallswitch. He moved not at all. She stood there, holding her hat. Finally she said: I knew this wasn't done with. Smart girl. I aint got it. Got what? I need to set down. Chigurh nodded toward the bed. She sat and put her hat on the bed beside her and then picked it up again and held it to her.

Too late, Chigurh said. I know. What is it that you havent got? I think you know what Im talkin about. How much do you have. I dont have none of it. I had about seven thousand dollars all told and I can tell you its been long gone and they bills aplenty left to pay yet. I buried my mother today. I wouldn't worry about it. She looked at the bedside table. Its not there, he said. She sat slumped forward, holding her hat in her arms. You've got no cause to hurt me, she said. I know. But I gave my word. Your word? Yes. Were at the mercy of the dead here. In this case your husband. That dont make no sense. Im afraid it does. I dont have the money. You know I aint got it. I know. You give your word to my husband to kill me? Yes. He's dead. My husband is dead. Yes. But Im not. You dont owe nothin to dead people. Chigurh cocked his head slightly. No? he said. How can you? How can you not? Theyre dead. Yes. But my word is not dead. Nothing can change that. You can change it. I dont think so. Even a nonbeliever might find it useful to model himself after God. Very useful, in fact. You're just a blasphemer. Hard words. But whats done cannot be undone. I think you understand that. Your husband, you may be stressed to learn, had the opportunity to remove you from harms way and he chose not to do so. the answer was no. Otherwise I would not be here now. You aim to kill me. Im sorry. She put the hat down on the bed and turned and looked out the window. The new green of the trees in the light of the vaporlamp in the yard bending and righting again in the evening wind. I dont know what I ever done, she said .I truly dont. Chigurh nodded. Probably you do, he said. Theres a reason for everything. She shook her head. How many times Ive said them very words. I wont again. You've suffered a loss of faith. Ive suffered a loss of everything I ever had. My husband wanted to kill me? Yes. Is there anything that youd like to say? To who? Im the only one here. I don't have nothin to say to you. You'll be all right. Try not to worry about it. What? I see your look, he said. It doesn't make any difference what sort of person I am, you know. You shouldn't be more frightened to die because you think Im a bad person. I knew you was crazy when I saw you settin there, she said. I knew exactly what was in store for me. Even if I couldn't of said it. Chigurh smiled. Its a hard thing to understand, he said. I see people struggle with it. The look they get. They always say the same thing. What do they say. They say: You don't have to do this. You dont. Its not any help though, is it? No. So why do you say it? I aint never said it before. Any of you. Theres just me, she said. There aint nobody else. Yes. Of course. She looked at the gun. She turned away. She sat with her head down, her shoulders shaking. Oh Mama, she said. None of this was your fault. She shook her head, sobbing. You didnt do anything. It was bad luck. She nodded. He watched her, his chin in his hand. All right, he said. This is the best I can do. He straightened out his leg and reached into his pocket and drew out a few coins and took one and held it up. He turned it. For her to see the justice of it. He held it between his thumb and forefinger and weighed it and then flipped it spinning in the air and caught it and slapped it down on his wrist. Call it, he said. She looked at him, at his outheld wrist. What? She said. Call it. I won't do it. Yes you will. Call it. God would not want me to do that. Of course he would. You should try to save yourself. Call it. Heads, she said. He lifted his hand away. The coin was tails. Im sorry. She didn't answer. Maybe its for the best. She looked away. You make it like it was the coin. But you're the one. It could have gone either way. The coin didnt have no say. It was just you. Perhaps. But look at it my way. I got here the same way the coin did. She sat sobbing softly. She didnt answer. For things at a common destination there is a common path. Not always easy to see. But there. Everything I ever thought has turned out different, she said. There aint the least part of my life I could of guessed. Not this, not none of it. I know. You wouldn't of let me off noway. I had no say in the matter. Every moment in your life is a turning and every one a choosing. Somewhere you made a choice. All followed to this. The accounting is scrubulous. had no belief in your ability to move a coin to your bidding. How could you? A persons path through the world seldom changes and even more seldom will it change abruptly. She sat sobbing. She shook her head. Yet even though I could have told you how all of this would end I thought it not too much to ask that you have a final glimpse of hope in the world to lift your heart before the shroud drops, the darkness. Do you see? Oh God, she said. Oh God. Im sorry. She looked at him a final time. You dont have to, she said. You dont. You dont. He shook his head. Youre asking that I make myself vulnerable and that I can never do. I have only one way to live. It doesn't allow for special cases. A coin toss perhaps. In this case to small purpose. Most people dont believe that there can be such a person. You can see what a problem that must be for them. How to prevail over that which you refuse to acknowledge the existence of. Do you understand? When I came into your life your life was over. an end. This is the end. You can say that things could have turned out differently. That they could have been some other way. But what does that mean? They are not some other way. second say the world. Do you see? Yes, she said, sobbing. I do. I truly do. Good, he said. Thats good. Then he shot her. The car that hit Chigurh in the intersection three blocks from the house was a ten year old Buick that had run a stop-sign. There were no skidmarks at the site and the vehicle had made no attempt to brake. Chigurh never wore a seatbelt driving in the city because of just such hazards and although he saw the vehicle coming and threw himself to the other side of the truck the impact carried the caved-in driver side door to him instantly and broke his arm in two places and broke some ribs and cut his head and his leg. He crawled out of the passenger side door and staggered to the sidewalk and sat in the grass of someones lawn and looked at his arm. Bone sticking up under the skin. Not good. A woman in a housedress ran out screaming. Blood kept running into his eyes and he tried to think. He held the arm and turned it and tried to see how badly it was bleeding. If the median artery were severed. He thought not. . Two teenage boys were standing there looking at him. Are you all right, mister? Yeah, he said. Im all right. Let me just sit here a minute. Theres an ambulance comin. Man over yonder went to call one. All right. You sure you're all right. Chigurh looked at them. What will you take for that shirt? he said. They looked at each other. What shirt? Any damn shirt. How much? He straightened out his leg and reached in his pocket and got out his moneyclip. I need something to wrap around my head and I need a sling for this arm. One of the boys began to unbutton his shirt. Hell, mister. Why didnt you say so? Ill give you my shirt. Chigurh took the shirt and bit into it and ripped it in two down the back. He wrapped his head in a bandanna and he twisted the other half of the shirt into a sling and put his arm in it. Tie this for me, he said. They looked at each other. Just tie it. The boy in the T-shirt stepped forward and knelt and knotted the sling. That arm dont look good, he said. Chigurh thumbed a bill out of the clip and put the clip back in his pocket and took the bill from between his teeth and got to his feet and held it out. Hell, mister. I dont mind helpin somebody out. Thats a lot of money. Take it. Take it and you dont know what I looked like. You hear? The boy took the bill. Yessir, he said. They watched him set off up the sidewalk, holding the twist of the bandanna against his head, limping slightly. Part of thats mine, the other boy said. You still got your damn shirt. That aint what it was for. That may be, but Im still out a shirt. They walked out into the street where the vehicles sat steaming. The streetlamps had come on. A pool of green antifreeze was collecting in the gutter. When they passed the open door of Chigurhs truck the one in the T-shirt stopped the other with his hand. You see what I see? he said. Shit, the other one said. What they saw was Chigurhs pistol lying in the floorboard of the truck. They could already hear the sirens in the distance. Get it, the first one said. Go on. Why me? I aint got a shirt to cover it with. Go on. Hurry. HE CLIMBED THE THREE wooden steps to the porch and tapped loosely at the door with the back of his hand. He took off his hat and pressed his shirtsleeve against his forehead and put his hat back on again. Come in, a voice called. He opened the door and stepped into the cool darkness. Ellis? Im back here. Come on back. He walked through to the kitchen. The old man was sitting beside the table in his chair. The room smelled of old bacon-grease and stale woodsmoke from the stove and over it all lay a faint tang of urine. Like the smell of cats but it wasn't just cats. Bell stood in the doorway and took his hat off. The old man looked up at him. One clouded eye from a cholla spine where a horse had thrown him years ago. Hey, Ed Tom, he said. How are you making it? You're lookin at it. You by yourself? Yessir. Set down. You want some coffee? Bell looked at the clutter on the checked oilcloth. Bottles of medicine. Breadcrumbs. Quarterhorse magazines. Thank you no, he said. I appreciate it. I had a letter from your wife. You can call her Loretta. I know I can. Did you know she writes me? I guess I knew shed wrote you a time or two. Its more than a time or two. She writes pretty regular. Tells me the family news. I didnt know there was any. You might be surprised. So what was special about this letter then. She just told me you was quittin, thats all. Set down. The old man didnt watch to see if he would or he wouldnt. He fell to rolling himself a cigarette from a sack of tobacco at his elbow. He twisted the end in his mouth and turned it around and lit it with an old Zippo lighter worn through to the brass. He sat smoking, holding the cigarette pencilwise in his fingers. Are you all right? Bell said. Im all right. He wheeled the chair slightly sideways and watched Bell through the smoke. I got to say you look older, he said. I am older. The old man nodded. Bell had pulled out a chair and sat and he put his hat on the table. Let me ask you somethin, he said. All right. Whats your biggest regret in life. The old man looked at him, gauging the question. I dont know, he said. I aint got all that many regrets. I could imagine lots of things that you might think would make a man happier. be one. You can make up your own list. You might even have one. I think by the time youre grown youre as happy as youre goin to be. Youll have good times and bad times, but in the end youll be about as happy as you was before. Or as unhappy. Ive known people that just never did get the hang of it. I know what you mean. I know you do. The old man smoked. If what youre askin me is what made me the unhappy then I think you already know that. Yessir. And it aint this chair. And it aint this cotton eye. Yessir. I know that. You sign on for the ride you probably think you got at least some notion of where the rides goin. But you might not. Or you might of been lied to. Probably nobody would blame you then. it turned out to be a little roughern what you had in mind. Well. Thats somethin else. Bell nodded. I guess some things are better not put to the test. I guess that's right. What would it take to run Loretta off? I dont know. I guess I have to do somethin that was pretty bad. It damn sure wouldnt be just cause things got a little rough. Shes done been there a time or two. Ellis nodded. He tipped the ash from his smoke into a jar-lid on the table. Ill take your word on that, he said. Bell smiled. He looked around. How fresh is that coffee? I think its all right. I generally make a fresh pot here ever week even if there is some left over. Bell smiled again and rose and carried the pot to the counter and plugged it in. They sat at the table drinking coffee out of the same crazed porcelain cups that had been in that house since before he was born. Bell looked at the cup and he looked around the kitchen. Well, he said. Some things dont change, I reckon . What would that be? the old man said. Hell, I don't know. I dont either. How many cats you got? Several. Depends on what you mean by got. Some of em are half wild and the rest are just outlaws. They run out the door when they heard your truck. Did you hear the truck? Hows that? I said did you... Youre havin a little fun with me. What give you that idea? Did you? No. I seen the cats skedaddle. You want some more of this? Im done. The man that shot you died in prison. In Angola. Yes. What would you of done if hed been released? I dont know. Nothin. There wouldn't be no point to it. There aint no point to it. Not to any of it. Im kindly surprised to hear you say that. You wear out, Ed Tom. All the time you spend tryin to get back whats been taken from you theres more goin out the door. After a while you just try and get a tournament on it. Your grandad never asked me to sign on as deputy with him. I done that my own self. Hell, I didnt have nothin else to do. Paid about the same as cowboyin. Anyway, you never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from. I was too young for one war and too old for the next one. seen what come out of it. You can be patriotic and still believe that some things cost more than what theyre worth. Ask them Gold Star mothers what they paid and what they got for it. Particularly for promises. There aint no such thing as a bargain promise. Youll see. Maybe you done have. Bell didn't answer. I always thought when I got older that God would sort of come into my life in some way. He didnt. I dont blame him. If I was him Id have the same opinion about me that he does. You dont know what he thinks. Yes I do. He looked at Bell. I can remember one time you come to see me after you all had moved to Denton. You walked in and you looked around and you asked me what I intended to do. All right. You wouldn't ask me now though, would you? Maybe not. You wouldn't. He sipped the rank black coffee. You ever think about Harold? Bell said. Harold? Yes. Not much. He was some older than me. He was born in ninety-nine. Pretty sure thats right. What made you think about Harold? I was read in some of your mothers letters to him, thats all. I just wondered what you remembered about him. Was they any letters from him? No. You think about your family. Try to make sense out of all that. I know what it did to my mother. She never got over it. I dont know what sense any of that makes either. all by and by? That takes a lot of faith. You think about him goin over there and dyin in a ditch somewhere. Seventeen year old. You tell me. Because I damn sure dont know. I hear you. Did you want to go somewhere? I dont need nobody haulin me around. I aim to just set right here. Im fine, Ed Tom. It aint no trouble. I know it. All right. Bell watched him. The old man stubbed out his cigarette in the lid. Bell tried to think about his life. Then he tried not to. You aint turned infidel have you Uncle Ellis? No. No. Nothin like that. Do you think God knows whats happenin? I expect he does. You think he can stop it? No. I don't. They sat quietly at the table. After a while the old man said: She mentioned there was a lot of old pictures and family stuff. What to do about that. Well. There aint nothin to do about it I dont reckon. Is there? No. I dont reckon there is. I told her to send Uncle Macs old cinco peso badge and his thumb-buster to the Rangers. I believe they got a museum. But I didnt know what to tell her. Theres all that stuff here. In the chifforobe in yonder. That rolltop desk is full of papers. He tilted the cup and looked into the bottom of it. He never rode with Coffee Jack. Uncle Mac. Thats all bull. I dont know who started that. He was shot down on his own porch in Hudspeth County. Thats what I always heard. They was seven or eight of em come to the house. Wantin this and wantin that. He went back in the house and come out with a shotgun but they was way ahead of him and they shot him down in his own doorway. She run out and tried to stop the bleedin. Tried to get him back in the house. Said he kept tryin to get hold of the shotgun again. They just set there on their horses. Finally left. . One of em said somethin in injun and they all turned and left out. They never come in the house or nothin. She got him inside but he was a big man and they was no way she could of got him up in the bed. fixed a pallet on the floor. Wasnt nothin to be done. She always said she should of just left him there and rode for help but I dont know where it was she would of rode to. He wouldn't of let her go noway. Wouldn't hardly let her go in the kitchen. He knew what the score was if she didnt. He was shot through the right lung. And that was that. As they say. When did he die? Eighteen and seventy-nine. No, I mean was it right away or in the night or when was it. I believe it was that night. Or early of the mornin. She buried him herself. Diggin in that hard caliche. Then she just packed the wagon and hitched the horses and pulled out of there and she never did go back. That house burned down sometime back in the twenties. What hadnt fell down. I could take you to it today. The rock chimney used to be standin and it may be yet. There was a good bit of land proved up on. Eight or ten sections if I remember . She couldn't pay the taxes on it, little as they was. Couldn't sell it. Did you remember her? No. I seen a photograph of me and her when I was about four. Shes settin in a rocker on the porch of this house and Im standin alongside of her. I wish I could say I remember her but I dont. She never did remarry. Later years she was a schoolteacher. San Angelo. This country was hard on people. But they never seemed to hold it to account. to just this one family. I dont know what Im doin here still knockin around. All them young people. We dont know where half of em is even buried at. You got to ask what was the good in all that. So I go back to that. How come people dont feel like this country has got a lot to answer for? They dont. You can say that the country is just the country, it dont actively do nothin, but that dont mean much. seen a man shoot his pickup truck with a shotgun one time. He must of thought it done somethin. This country will kill you in a heartbeat and still people love it. You understand what Im sayin? I think I do. Do you love it? I guess you could say I do. But Id be the first one to tell you Im as ignorant as a box of rocks so you sure dont want to go by nothin Id say. Bell smiled. He got up and went to the sink. The old man turned the chair slightly to where he could see him. I thought Id just wash these here dishes. Hell, leave em, Ed Tom. Lupell be here in the mornin. It won't take but a minute. The water from the tap was gypwater. He filled the sink and added a scoop of soap powder. Then he added another. I thought you used to have a television set in here. I used to have a lot of things. Why didnt you say something thin? Ill get you one. I don't need one. Keep you company some. It didnt quit on me. I threw it out. You dont never watch the news? No. Do you? Not much. He rinsed the dishes and left them to drain and stood looking out the window at the little weedgrown yard. A weathered smokehouse. An aluminum two horse trailer on blocks. You used to have chickens, he said. Yep, the old man said. Bell dried his hands and came back to the table and sat. He looked at his uncle. Did you ever do anything you was ashamed of to the point where you never would tell nobody? His uncle thought about that. Id say I have, he said. Id say about anybody has. What is it youve found out about me? Im serious. All right. I mean somethin bad. How bad. I dont know. Where it stuck with you. Like somethin you could go to jail for? Well, it could be somethin like that I reckon. It wouldn't have to be. I have to think about that. No you wouldn't. Whats got into you? I aint goin to invite you out here no more. You didn't invite me this time. Well. Thats true. Bell sat with his elbows on the table and his hands folded together. His uncle watched him. I hope you aint fixin to make some terrible confession, he said. Do you want to hear it? Yeah. Go ahead. All right. It aint of a sexual nature is it? No. Thats all right. Go ahead and tell it anyways. Its about being a war hero. All right. Would that be you? Yeah. Thatd be me. Go ahead. Im tryin to. This is actually what happened. What got me that recommendation. Go ahead. We was in a forward position monitorin radio signals and we was holed up in a farmhouse. Just a two room stone house. Wed been there two days and it never did quit rainin. Rained like all get-out. second day the radio operator had took his headset off and he said: Listen. Well, we did. When somebody said listen you listened. And we didnt hear nothin. And I said: What is it? And he said: Nothin. I said What the hell are you talkin about, nothin? What did you hear? And he said: I mean you cant hear nothin. Listen. No field-piece or nothin. All you could hear was the rain. And that was about the last thing I remember. When I woke up I was layin outside in the rain and I dont know how long Id been layin there. and cold and my ears was ringin and whenever I set up and looked the house was gone. Just part of the wall at one end was standin was all. A mortarshell had come through the wall and just blown it all to hell. Well, I couldnt hear a thing. I couldnt hear the rain or nothin. If I said somethin I could hear it inside my head but that was all. and walked over to where the house was and there was sections of the roof layin over a good part of it and I seen one of our men buried in them rocks and timbers and I tried to move some stuff to see if I couldn't get to him My whole head just felt numb. And while I was doin that I raised up and looked out and here come these German riflemen across this field. They was comin out of a patch of woods about two hundred yards off and comin across this field. I still didnt know exactly what had happened. I was kindly in a daze. I crouched down there by the side of the wall and the first thing I seen was Wallaces .30 caliber stickin out from under some timbers. was belt fed out of a metal box and I figured if I let em run up a little more on me I cou ld operate on em out there in the open and they wouldn't call in another round cause theyd be too close. I scratched around and finally got that thing dug out, it and the tripod, and I dug around some more and come up with the ammo box for it and I got set up behind the section of wall there and jacked back the slide and pushed off the safety and here we went. It was hard to tell where the rounds was hittin on account of the ground bein wet but I knew I was doin some good. I emptied out about two feet of belt and I kept watchin out there and after itd been quiet two or three minutes one of them krauts jumped up and tried to make a run for the woods but I was ready for that. I kept the rest of em pinned down and all the while I could hear some of our men groanin and I sure didnt know what I was goin to do come dark. And thats what they give me the Bronze Star for. The major that put me in for it was named McAllister and he was from Georgia. And I told him I didnt want it. And he just set there lookin at me and directly he said: Im waitin on you to tell me your reasons for wantin to refuse a military commendation. So I told him. And when I got done he said: Sergeant, you will accept the commendation. I guess they had to make it look good. Look like it counted for somethin. Losin the position. He said you will accept it and if you tell it around what you told me it will get back to me and when it does you are goin to wish you was in hell with your back broke. Is that clear? And I said yessir. Said that was about as clear as you could make it. So that was it. So now youre fixin to tell me what you done. Yessir. When it got dark. When it got dark. Yessir. What did you do? I cut and run. The old man thought about that. After a while he said: I got to assume that it seemed like a pretty good idea at the time. Yeah, Bell said. It did. What would of happened if youd stayed there? Theyd of come up in the dark and lobbed grenades in on me. Or maybe gone back up in the woods and called in another round. Yeah. Bell sat there with his hands crossed on the oilcloth. He looked at his uncle. The old man said: I aint sure what it is youre askin me. I aint either. You left your buddies behind. Yeah. You didnt have no choice. I had a choice. I could of stayed. You couldnt of helped em. Probably not. I thought about takin that .30 caliber off about a hundred feet or so and waitin till they throwed their grenades or whatever. Lettin em come on up. I could of killed a few more. Even in the dark. I dont know. I set there and watched it come night. Pretty sunset. It had done cleared up by then. Had finally quit rainin. That field had been sowed in oats and there was just the stalks. Fall of the year. I watched it get dark and I had not heard nothin from anybody that was in the wreckage there for a while. They might could of all been dead by then. But I didnt know that. And quick as it got dark I got up and I left out of there. I didnt even have a gun. I dang sure wasnt haulin that .30 caliber with me. My head had quit hurtin some and I could even hear a little. It had quit rainin but I was wet through and I was cold to where my teeth was chatterin. I could make out the dipper and I headed due west as near as I could make it and I just kept goin. I passed a house or two but there wasnt nobody around. It was a battle-zone, that country. People had just left out. Come daylight I laid up in a patch of woods. What woods it was. That whole country looked like a burn. Just the treetrunks was all that was left. And sometime that next night I come to an American position and that was pretty much it. I thought after so many years it would go away. I dont know why I thought that. Then I thought that maybe I could make up for it and I reckon thats what I have tried to do. They sat. After a while the old man said: Well, in all honesty I cant see it bein all that bad. Maybe you ought to ease up on yourself some. Maybe. But you go into battle its a blood oath to look after the men with you and I dont know why I didnt. I wanted to. When youre called on like that you have to make up your mind that youll live with the consequences. But you dont know what the consequences will be. You end up layin a lot of things at your own door that you didnt plan on. If I was supposed to die over there doin what Id give my word to do then thats what I should of done. You can tell it any way you want but thats the way it is. I should of done it and I didnt. And some part of me has never quit wishin I could go back. And I cant. I didnt know you could steal your own life. And I didnt know that it would bring you no more benefit than about anything else you might steal. I think I done the best with it I knew how but it still wasnt mine. It never has been. The old man sat for a long time. He was bent slightly forward looking at the floor. After a while he nodded. I think I know where this is goin, he said. Yessir. What do you think he would of done? I know what he would of done. Yeah. I guess I do too. Hed of set there till hell froze over and then stayed a while on the ice. Do you think that makes him a better man than you? Yessir. I do. I might could tell you some things about him that would change your mind. I knew him pretty good. Well sir, I doubt that you could. With all due respect. Besides which I doubt that you would. I aint. But then I might say that he lived in different times. Had Jack of been born fifty years later he might of had a different view of things. You might. But nobody in this room would believe it. Yeah, I expect thats true. He looked up at Bell. What did you tell me for? I think I just needed to unload my wagon. You waited long enough about doin it. Yessir. Maybe I needed to hear it myself. Im not the man of an older time they say I am. I wish I was. Im a man of this time. Or maybe this was just a practice run. Maybe. You aim to tell her? Yessir, I guess I do. Well. What do you think shell say? Well, I expect you might come out of it a little better than what you think. Yessir, Bell said. I surely hope so.