Chapter 23 20

Thomas offered the Dead Father a document bound in blue paper. What is it? Read it, Thomas said. It was a will. It is a will, the Dead Father said, whose? We thought it best that you take the precaution, Thomas said. Many people are inadequately prepared. I don't want to make a will, said the Dead Father. No one wants to make a will, said Thomas. Still it is a prudent step that we thought you ought to take, in your wisdom. My wisdom, said the Dead Father. Infinite. Unmatched. Still, I dont want to make a will. Prudence and wisdom being two of your strongest suits, Thomas said.

Dash my wig! said the Dead Father, Ill not do it. Im too young. Thomas looked up into the sky. Of course its entirely up to you, he said. If you wish to leave your affairs in rotten mishmashy cluttersome disarray. . . Im too young! the Dead Father said. Of course you are, said Thomas, so are we all. Yet there is a vein in you that may pop at any time. I have identified it. Runs up the right leg and who knows, who knows where it wanders after it leaves the leg. Lurking potential embolisms menace it. I dont want to frighten you, but you get the picture. By the Holy Goat, the Dead Father said, I will not.

Thomas waved his hands in the air suggesting exhausted patience and disinterested pursuit of what-is-right. Who shall I leave it to? the Dead Father asked. Who is worthy? I should say, no one. Perhaps the nation. The first step is the inventory. Can you give me some idea of ​​what the estate consists of? Vast, said the Dead Father. I have no idea. Consult my steward. Your steward has been let go, said Thomas. Luke? Luke gone? On whose authority? It was thought best, Thomas said. Then who is looking after things? I believe his name is Wilfred, Thomas said. But Wilfred is not Luke, the Dead Father said.

Best we could manage, said Thomas. You have no idea at all as to the size of your holdings? Oh I have some idea, said the Dead Father. He produced a small black pocket notebook. Youre taking this down? Thomas nodded. The Dead Father cleared his throat. Various lands in Saxony, he read aloud. That's rather vague, Thomas said. Um, said the Dead Father unperturbed, so it is. Let me continue. Certificates of deposit totaling -- Totaling what? asked Thomas. They are all separate and distinct figures with no total listed, said the Dead Father. The sum would appear to be quite large, could one add it.

He turned a page. A nut-brown maid, he read. Regina. The stereo. A pair of chatterpies. My ravens. A parcel of rental properties. Eleven rogue elephants. One albino. sickness. Two hundred examples. My print collection, nine thousand items. My sword. Your sword is gone, Thomas noted. My sword is gone, said the Dead Father, but I have a spare sword, back in the city. My second-best sword. Jeweled hilt and all that. A field of flowers outside Darmstadt. Wrinkleflowers. My greenhouses and potting sheds. Wilfred will know. Portrait busts of myself by Houdon, Minque, Planck, and Bowdoin. My napkin rings. Four thousand volumes of cabalistic literature. Cycladic figures to the number one hundred eighteen. My gouges: The straight gouge, short bent gouge, long bent gouge, V gouge, U gouge, 5/32" gouge, 3/8" gouge. Four skew chisels. My box at the opera. My Bennie Moten records. My Thonet rocking chair. The regiment.

To whom will you leave the regiment? Do you want it? What would I do with the regime? Thomas asked. Parade it. Have regimental dinners. Fold and unfold the colors. Defend frontiers. Push into the Punjab. Let us table the question, for the time being, said Thomas. Is there more? Much, much, more, said the Dead Father, but let us lump it together under "incidentals." Do you want Regina? Never having met the lady, Thomas said, I would say not. Also I am a witness and a witness cannot be a beneficiary. I do not wish to profit from this transaction in any way. I only wish to have everything tidy.

Tidy, said the Dead Father, what a way of putting it. Julie will be a witness and Emma will be a witness and one of the men is, I have learned, a notary. I shall place the regiment in trust for itself, said the Dead Father. That should take care of it. Have you the form? Yes, Thomas said. Shall I read it? Read it. "This Trust is created upon the express understanding that the issuer, customer, or transfer agent of any shares held hereunder shall be under no liability whatsoever to see to its proper administration. . ." That's the way it begins? No, it begins with a "Whereas." Im reading you the part that doesn't sound right.

Read on. ". . . and that upon the transfer of the right, title, interest in and to such shares by any trustee hereunder, said issuer, custodian, or transfer agent shall conclusively treat the transferee as the sole owner of such shares. In the event that any shares, cash or other property -- " The regiment, for example, said the Dead Father. "... shall be distributable at any time under the terms of said shares, the said issuer, custodian, or transfer agent is fully authorized to pay, deliver, and distribute the same to whosoever shall then be the trustee hereunder, and shall be under no liability to see to the proper application thereof."

He paused. Good deal of handwashing there, said the Dead Father. What paragraph is that? Paragraph 4, said Thomas, perhaps you will like Paragraph 5 better. "I hereby reserve unto myself the power and right --" Yes, said the Dead Father, I like that better. "During my lifetime --" No, said the Dead Father, I don't like it better. Lifetimes and deathtimes, said Thomas, are what wills be about. Yes, said the Dead Father, thats what I dont like, being reminded. You need not bother with the details, Thomas said, you are fully protected, I assure you. The thing to do is sign it.

Im too young. And who will benefit? I care not a whit, said Thomas, pick someone. Or something. Edmund, said the Dead Father. Edmund? He is the last, said the Dead Father, and the last shall be first. Edmund? I have made up my mind, said the Dead Father. As you wish, said Thomas, we shall have to tell him about it very slowly, otherwise it will kill him. Parcel the news out bit by bit, said the Dead Father. Begin with the napkin rings. Thomas assembling the witnesses for the ceremony. The notary said: Do you identify this document as your Last Will and Testament, do you wish it to be so regarded, and have you signed it of your own free will?

Yes, said the Dead Father. Sort of. What was that? asked the notary. More or less yes, said the Dead Father. Well was it yes or was it not yes? It was yes, I guess. The notary looked at Thomas. I heard "yes," said Thomas. The notary said: And have you requested that these persons witness your signature and make an affidavit concerned your execution of this Will? I have, said the Dead Father. The witnesses will please raise their right hands. Do each of you individually declare under oath that the Dead Father has identified this document as his Last Will and Testament and stated that he wished it to be so regarded? He has, said Thomas, Julie, and Emma. Has he signed it in your presence and did he at that time appear to be of sound mind and legal age and free of undue influence? Was he ever of sound mind? Julie wondered aloud. As you and I would define it? Strictly speaking? A mind of his own, Thomas said, that much is clear. I always liked him, said Emma. Will the witnesses respond to the question? Yes, said the witnesses, he has and did. Have you in his presence and in the presence of each other, affixed your signatures? We have. The thing is done, said the notary, where is the brandy? Thomas poured brandy for all hands. This should make you feel good, the notary said to the Dead Father. A prudent step. Prudent, prudent. Rage of the Dead Father. Prudent is shit!