Chapter 10 I AM CALLED BLACK

When I returned home that night, ably evading my landlady—who was beginning to act like my mother—I sequestered myself in my room and lay on my mattress, giving myself over to visions of Shekure. Allow me the amusement of describing the sounds I'd heard in Enishte's house. On my second visit after twelve years, she didn't show herself. She did succeed, however, in so magically endowing me with her presence that I was certain of being, somehow, continually under her watch, while she sized me up as a future husband, amusing herself all the while as if playing a game of logic. Knowing this, I also imagined I was continuously able to see her. Thus was I better able to understand Ibn Arabi's notion that love is the ability to make the invisible visible and the desire always to feel the invisible in one's midst.

I could infer that Shekure was continually watching me because I'd been listening to the sounds coming from within the house and to the creaking of its wood boards. At one point, I was absolutely certain she was with her children in the next room, which opened onto the wide hallway-cum-anteroom; I could hear the children pushing, shoving and sparing with each other while their mother, perhaps, tried to quiet them with gestures, threatening glances and knit brows. Once in a while I heard them Whispering quite unnaturally, not as one would whisper to avoid disturbing someone's ritual prayers, but affectedly, as one would before erupting in a fit of laughter.

Another time, as their grandfather was explaining to me the wonders of light and shadow, Shevket and Orhan entered the room, and with careful gestures obviously rehearsed beforehand, proffered a tray and served us coffee. , was arranged by Shekure so they could observe the man who might soon become their father. And so, I paid a compliment to Shevket: “What nice eyes you have.” Then, I immediately turned to his younger brother, Orhan—sensing that he might grow jealous—and added, “Yours are as well.” Next, I placed a faded red carnation petal, which I'd fast produced from the folds of my robe, onto the tray and kissed each boy on the cheeks. Later still, I heard laughter and giggling from within.

Frequently, I grew curious to know from which hole in the walls, the closed doors, or perhaps, the ceiling, and from which angle, her eye was peering at me. Staring at a crack, knot or what I took to be a hole , I'd imagine Shekure situated just behind it. Suddenly, suspecting another black spot, and to determine whether I was justified in my suspicion—even at the risk of being insolent toward my Enishte as he continued his endless recital—I'd stand up. Affecting all the while the demeanor of an attentive discipline, quite enthralled and quite lost in thought, in order to demonstrate how intent I was upon my Enishte's story, I'd begin pacing in the room with a preoccupied air, before approaching that suspicious black spot on the wall.

When I failed to find Shekure's eye nesting in what I had taken to be a peephole, I'd be overcome by disappointment, and then by a strange feeling of loneliness, by the impatience of a man uncertain where to turn next. Now and then, I'd experience such an abrupt and intense feeling that Shekure was watching me, I'd be so absolutely convinced I was within her gaze, that I'd start posing like a man trying to show he was wiser, stronger and more capable than he really was so as to impress the woman he loved. Later, I'd fantasize that Shekure and her boys were comparing me with her husband—the boys' missing father—before my mind would focus again upon whichever variety of famous Venetian illustrator about whose painting techniques my Enishte was waxing philosophical at the moment. I longed to be like these newly

famous painters solely because Shekure had heard so much about them from her father; illustrators who had earned their renown—not through suffering martyrdom in cells like saints, or through severing the heads of enemy soldiers with a mighty arm and a sharp ascimitar absent husband had done—but on account of a manuscript they'd transcribed or a page they'd illuminated. I tried very hard to imagine the magnificent pictures created by these celebrated illustrators, who were, as my Enishte explained, inspired by the power of the world's mystery and its visible blackness. I tried so hard to visualize them—those masterpieces my Enishte had seen and was now attempting to describe to one who had never laid eyes on them—that, finally, when my imagination failed me, I felt only more rejected and demeaned.

I looked up to discover that Shevket was before me again. He approached me decisively, and I assumed—as was customary for the oldest male child among certain Arab tribes in Transoxiana and among Circassian tribes in the Caucasus mountains—that he would not only kiss a guest's hand at the beginning of a visit, but also when that guest left. Caught off guard, I presented my hand for him to kiss. At that moment, from somewhere not too far away, I heard her laughter. Was she laughing at me? I became flustered and to remedy the situation, I grabbed Shevket and kissed him on both cheeks as though this were what was really expected of me. Then I smiled at my Enishte as though to apologize for interrupting him and to assure him that I meant no disrespect, while carefully drawing the child near to check whether he bore his mother's scent. By the time I understood that the boy had placed a crumpled scrap of paper into my hand, he'd long since turned his back and walked some distance towards the d oor.

I clutched the scrap of paper in my fist like a jewel. And when I understood that this was a note from Shekure, out of elation I could scarcely keep from grinning stupidly at my Enishte. Wasn't this proof enough that Shekure passionately desired me Suddenly, I imagined us engaged in a mad frenzy of lovemaking. So profoundly convinced was I that this incredible event I'd conjured was imminent that my manhood inappropriately began to rise—there in the presence of my Enishte. Had Shekure witnessed this? I focused intently on what my Enishte was explaining in order to redirect my concentration.

Much later, while my Enishte came near to show me another illustrated plate from his book, I discreetly unfolded the note, which smelled of honeysuckle, only to discover that she'd left it completely blank. I couldn't believe my eyes and senselessly turned the paper over and over, examining it. “A window,” said my Enishte. “Using perspective techniques is like regarding the world from a window—what is that you are holding?” "It's nothing, Enishte Effendi," I said. When he looked away, I brought the crumpled paper to my nose and deeply inhaled its scent. After an afternoon meal, as I did not want to use my Enishte's chamber pot, I excused myself and went to the outhouse in the yard. It was bitter cold. I had quickly seen to my concern without freezing my buttocks too much when I saw that Shevket had slyly and silently appeared before me, blocking my way like a brigand. In his hands he held his grandfather's full and steaming chamber pot. He entered the

outhouse after me and emptied the pot. He exited and fixed his pretty eyes on mine as he puffed out his plump cheeks, still holding the empty pot. “Have you ever seen a dead cat?” he asked. His nose was exactly like his mother's. Was she watching us? I looked around. The shutters were closed on the enchanted second-floor window in which I'd first seen Shekure after so many years. "Nay." “Shall I show you the dead cat in the house of the Hanged Jew?” He went out to the street without waiting for my response. I followed him. We walked forty or fifty paces along the muddy and icy path before entering an unkempt garden. Here, it smelled of wet and rotting leaves, and faintly of mold. The confidence of a child who knew the place well, taking firm, rhythmic steps, he entered through the door of a yellow house, which stood before us almost hidden behind somber fig and almond trees.

The house was completely empty, but it was dry and warm, as if somebody were living there. "Whose house is this?" I asked. "The Jews". When the man died, his wife and kids went to the Jewish quarter over by the fruit-sellers' quay. They're having Esther the clothier sell the house." He went into a corner of the room and returned . "The cat's gone, it's disappeared," he said. “Where would a dead cat go?” “My grandfather says the dead wander.” “Not the dead themselves,” I said. “Their spirits wander.” “How do you know?” he said. He was holding the chamber pot tightly against his lap in all seriousness. "I just know. Do you always come here?" “My mother comes here with Esther. The living dead, risen from the grave, come here at night, but I'm not afraid of this place. Have you ever killed a man?” "Yes." "How many?" "Not many. Two." "With a sword?" "With a sword." “Do their souls wander?” "I don't know. According to what's written in books, they must wander." "Uncle Hasan has a red sword. It's so sharp it'll cut you if you just touch it. And he has a dagger with a ruby-studded handle. Are you the one who killed my father?" I nodded indicating neither “yes” nor “no.” “How do you know that your father is dead?” “My mother said so yesterday. He won't be returning. She saw him in her dream.” If presented with the opportunity, we would choose to do in the name of a greater goal whatever awful thing we've already prepared to do for the sake of our own incredible gains, for the lust that burns within us or for the love that breaks our hearts; and so, I resolved once more to become the father of these forsaken children, and, when I returned to the house, I listened more intently to Shevket's grandfather as he described the book whose text and illustrations I had to complete. Let me begin with the illustrations that my Enishte had shown me, the horse for example. On this page there were no human figures and the area around the horse was empty; even so, I couldn't say it was simply and exclusively the painting of a horse. Yes, the horse was there, yet it was apparent that the rider had stepped off to the side, or who knows, perhaps he was on the verge of emerging from behind the bush drawn in the Kazvin style. Apparently from the saddle upon the horse, which bore the marks and embellishments of nobility: Maybe, a man with his sword at the ready was about to appear beside the steed. It was obvious that Enishte commissioned this horse from a master illustrator whom he'd secretly summoned from the workshop. Because the illustrator, arriving at night, could draw a horse—ingrained in his mind like a stencil—only if it were the extension of a story, that's exactly how he'd begin: by rote. As he was drawing the horse, which he'd seen thousands of times in scenes of love and war, my Enishte, inspired by the methods of the Venetian masters, had probably instructed the illustrator; for example, he might have said, “Forget about the rider, draw a tree there. But draw it in the background, on a smaller scale.” The illustrator, who came at night, would sit before his work desk together with my Enishte, eagerly drawing by candlelight an odd, unconventional picture that didn't resemble any of the usual scenes to which he was acccustomed and had memorized. Of course, my Enishte paid him handsomely for each drawing, but frankly, this peculiar method of drawing also had its charms. However, as with my Enishte, after a while, the illustrator could no longer determine which story the illustration was intended to enhance and complete. What my Enishte expected of me was that I examine these illustrations made in half-Venetian, half-Persian mode and write a story suitable to accompany them on the opposite page. get Shekure, I absolutely had to write these stories, but all that came to mind were the stories the storyteller told at the coffeehouse. I WILL BE CALLED A MURDERERTicking away, my windup clock told me it was evening. The prayers had yet to be called, but long before, I'd lit the candle resting beside my folding worktable. I quickly completed drawing an opium addict from memory , having dipped my reed pen into black Hasan Pasha ink and skated it over well-burned and beautifully sized paper, when I heard that voice calling me out to the street as it did every night. I resisted. I was so determined not to go , but to stay at home and work, I even tried nailing my door shut for a time. This book I was hastily completing was commissioned by an Armenian who'd come all the way from Galata, knocking on my door this morning before anyone had risen. The man, an interpreter and guide, though he stuttered, hunted me down whenever a Frank or Venetian traveler wanted a “book of costumes” and engaged me in a bout of vicious bargaining. Having agreed that morning upon a lesser-quality book of costumes for a price of twenty silver pieces, I proceeded to illustrate a dozen Istanbulites in a single sitting around the time of the evening prayer, paying particular attention to the detail of their outfits. I drew a Sheikhulislam, a palace porter, a preacher, a Janissary, a dervish, a cavalryman, a judge, a liver seller, an executioner— executioners in the act of torture sold quite well—a beggar, a woman bound for the hamam, and an opium addict. I'd done so many of these books just to earn a few extra silver pieces that I began to invent games for myself to fight off boredom while i dre w; for example, I forced myself to draw the judge without lifting my pen off the page or to draw the beggar with my eyes closed. All brigands, poets and men of constant sorrow know that when the evening prayer is called the jinns and demons within them will grow agitated and rebellious, urging in union: “Out! Outside!” This restless inner voice demands, “Seek the company of others, seek blackness, misery and disgrace.” I've spent my time appeasing these jinns and demons. I've painted pictures, which many regard as miracles that have issued from my hands, with the help of these evil spirits. But for seven days now after dusk, since I murdered that disgrace, I'm no longer able to control the jinns and demons within me. They rage with such violence that I tell myself they might calm down if I go out for a while. After saying so, as always without knowing how, I found myself roaming through the night. I walked briskly, advancing through snowy streets, muddy passages, icy slopes and deserted sidewalks as if I would never stop. As I walked, descending into the dark of night, into the most remote and abandoned parts of the city, I'd ever so gradually leave my soul behind, and walking along the narrow streets, my footsteps echoing off the walls of stone inns, schools and mosques, my fears would subside. Of their own accord, my feet brought me to the abandoned streets of this neighborhood on the outskirts of the city, where I came each night and where even specters and jinns would shudder to roam. I heard tell that half the men in this neighborhood had perished in the wars with Persia and that the rest had fled, declaring it ill-omened, but I don't believe such superstition. The only tragedy that has befallen this good quarter on account of the Safavid wars was the closing of the Kalenderi dervish house forty years ago because it was suspected of harboring the enemy. I meandered behind the mulberry bushes and the bay-leaf trees, which had a pleasant aroma even in the coldest weather, and with my usual fastidiousness, I straightened up the wall boards between the collapsed chimney and the window with its dilapidated shutters. and drew the lingering scent of one-hundred-year-old incense and mold deep into my lungs. It made me so blissful to be here, I thought tears would fall from my eyes. If I haven't already said so, I'd like to say that I fear nothing but Allah and the punishment met out in this world has no import whatever in my opinion. What I fear are the various torments that murderers like myself will have to endure on Judgment Day, as is clearly described in the Glorious Koran, in the “Criterion” chapter, for example. In the ancient books, that I quite rarely lay hold of, whenever I see this punishment in all its colors and violence, Recalling the simple, childish, yet terrifying scenes of Hell illustrated on calfskin by the old Arab miniaturists, or, for whatever reason, the torments of demons depicted by Chinese and Mongol master artists, I can't keep myself from drawing this analogy and heeding its logic: What does “The Night Journey” chapter state in its thirty-third verse? Is it not written that one should not, without justification, take the life of another whose murder God forbids? All right then: The miscreant I've sent to Hell was not a believer, wh ose murder God had forbidden; and besides, I had excellent justification for shattering his skull. This man had slandered those of us who'd worked on that book Our Sultan had secretly commissioned. If I hadn't silenced him, he would've denounced as unbelievers Enishte Effendi, all the miniaturists and even Master Osman, letting the rabid followers of the Hoja of Erzurum have their way with them. If someone succeeded in announcing that the miniaturists were committing blasphemy, these followers of Ezurumi—who are looking for any excuse to exercise their strength—wouldn't just be satisfied with doing away with the master miniaturists, they'd destroy the entire workshop and Our Sultan would be helpless to do anything but watch without a peep. As I did every time I came here, I cleaned up with the broom and some rags I kept hidden in a corner. As I cleaned, I was heartened and felt like a dutiful servant of Allah again. So that He wouldn't deprive me of this blessed feeling, I prayed for a long time. The cold, which was enough to make a fox shit copper, drove into my bones. I began to feel that sinister ache at the back of my throat. I stepped outside. Soon afterward, again in the same strange state of mind, I found myself in a completely different neighborhood. I don't know what had happened, what I'd thought between the deserted neighborhood of the dervish house and here. I didn't know how I'd arrived on these roads lined with cypress trees. However much I walked, a pestering thought wouldn't leave me be, and it ate at me like a worm. Maybe if I tell you it'll ease the burden: Call him a “vile slanderer” or “poor Elegant Effendi”— either way it's the same thing—a short time before the dearly departed gilder had left this world, he was making vehement accusations against our Enishte, but when he saw that I wasn't that affected by his declaration that Enishte Effendi made use of the perspective techniques of the infidels, that beast divulged the following: “There's one final picture. In that picture Enishte desecrates everything we believe in. What he's doing is no longer an insult to religion, it's pure blasphemy." Furthermore, this weeks after accusation by that scoundrel, Enishte Effendi had actually asked me to illustrate a number of unrelated things, such as a horse, a coin and Death, in various random spots on a page and in shockingly inconsistent scales; indeed, it was what one would expect of a frankish paintin g. Enishte always took the trouble to cover large portions of the ruled section of the page he wanted me to illustrate as well as the places ill-fated Elegant Effendi had guilded, as though he wanted to conceal something from me and the other miniaturists. I want to ask Enishte what he's illustrating in this large, final painting, but there's much holding me back. If I ask him, he'll of course suspect that I murdered Elegant Effendi and make his suspicions known to all. But there's something else that unsettles me as well. If I ask him, Enishte might declare that Elegant Effendi was in fact justified in his beliefs. Occasionally, I tell myself I should ask him, pretending as if this suspicion hadn't passed to me from Elegant Effendi, but had simply occurred to me. In the end, it's no comfort either way. My legs, which have always been quicker than my head, had taken me of their own accord to Enishte Effendi's street. I crouched in a secluded spot, and for a long time observed the house as best I could in the blackness. I watched for a long time: Nestled among trees was the large and odd-looking two-story house of a rich man! I couldn't tell on which side Shekure's room was located. As is the case in some of the pictures made in Tabriz during the Reign of Shah Tahmasp, I imagined the house in cross-section—as if it were cut in half with a knife—and I tried to illustrate in my mind's eye where I would find my Shekure, behind which shutter. The door opened. I saw Black leaving the house in the darkness. Enishte gazed at him with affection from behind the courtyard gate for a moment before closing it. Even my mind, which had given itself over to idiotic fantasies, quickly, and painfully, drew three conclusions based on what I had seen: One: Since Black was cheaper and less dangerous, Enishte Effendi would have him complete our book. Two: The beautiful Shekure would marry Black. Three: What the unfortunate Elegant Effendi had said was true, and so, I'd killed him for naught. In situations such as this, as soon as our merciless intellects draw the bitter conclusion that our hearts refuse, the entire body rebels against the mind. At first, half my mind violently opposed the third conclusion, which indicated that I was nothing but the vilest of murderers. My legs, once again, acting quicker and more rationally than my head, had already put me in pursuit of Black Effendi. We'd passed down a few side streets when I thought how very easy it would be to murder him, so contentedly and self-assuredly walking before me, and how such a crime would save me from having to confront the first two vexing conclusions established by my mind. Furthermore, I wouldn't have cracked Elegant Effendi's skull for no reason at all. Now, if I run ahead eight or ten paces, catch up to Black and land a blow onto his head with all my might, everything will go on as usual. Enishte Effendi will invite me to finish our book. But meanwhile my more honest (what was honesty if not fear?) and prudent side continued to tell me that the monster I'd murdered and tossed into a well was truly a slanderer. And if this were the case, I hadn't killed him for naught, and Enishte, who no longer had anything to hide with respect to the book he was making, would most certainly invite me back to his home. As I watched Black walking before me, however, I knew with the utmost certainty that none of this would happen. It was all illusion. Black Effendi was more real than I. It happens to us all: In reaction to being overly logical we'll feed fantasies for weeks and years on end, and one day we'll see something, a face, an outfit, a happy person, and suddenly realize that our dreams will never come true; thus, we come to understand that a particular maiden won 't be permitted to marry us or that we'll never reach such-and-such a station in life. I was watching the rise and fall of Black's shoulders, his head and his neck—the incredibly annoying way that he walked, as though his every step were a gift to the world—with a profound hatred that coiled cozy around my heart. Men like Black, free from pangs of conscience and with promising futures before them, assume that the entire world is their home; they open every door like a sultan entering his personal stable and immediately belittle those of us crouched inside. run up behind him was almost too great to resist. We were two men in love with the same woman; he was in front of me and completely unaware of my presence as we walked through the turning and twisting streets of Istanbul, climbing and descending, we traveled like brethren through deserted streets given over to battling packs of stray dogs, passed burnt ruins where jinns loitered, mosque courtyards where angels reclined on domes to sleep, beside cypress trees murmuring to the souls of the dead, beyond the edges of snow-covered cemeteries crowded with ghosts, just out of sight of brigands strangling their victims, passed endless shops, stables, dervish houses, candle works, leather works and stone walls; and as we made ground, I felt I wasn't following him at all, but rather, that I was imitating him. I AM DEATHI am Death, as you can plainly see, but you needn't be afraid, I'm just an illustration. Be that as it may, I read terror in your eyes. Though you know very well that I'm not real—like children who give themselves over to a game—you're still seized by horror, as if you'd actually met Death himself. This pleases me. As you look at me, you sense that you'll soil yourself out of fear when that unavoidable last moment is upon you. This is no joke. When faced with Death, people lose control of their bodily functions—particularly the majority of those men who are known to be brave-hearted. For this reason, the corpse-strewn battlefields that you've depicted thousands of times reek not of blood, gunpowder and heated armor as is assumed, but of shit and rotting flesh. I know this is the first time you've seen a depiction of Death. One year ago, a tall, thin and mysterious old man invited to his house the young master miniaturist who would soon enough illustrate me. In the half-dark workroom of the two-story house, the old man served an exquisite cup of silky, amber-scented coffee to the young master, which cleared the youth's mind. Next, in that shadowy room with the blue door, the old man excited the master miniaturist by flaunting the best paper from Hindustan, brushes made of squirrel hair, varieties of gold leaf, all manner of reed pens and coral-handled penknives, indicating that he would be able to pay handsomely. “Now then, draw Death for me,” the old man said. “I cannot draw a picture of Death without ever, not once in my entire life, having seen a picture of Death,” said the miraculously sure-handed miniaturist, who would shortly, in fact, end up doing the drawing. “You do not always need to have seen an illustration of something in order to depict that thing,” objected the refined and enthusiastic old man. “Yes, perhaps not,” said the master illustrator. “Yet, if the picture is to be perfect, the way the masters of old would've made it, it ought to be drawn at least a thousand times before I attempt it. No matter how masterful a miniaturist might be, when he paints an object for the first time, he'll render it as an apprentice would, and I could never do that. I cannot put my mastery aside while illustrating Death; to dying myself.” “Such a death might put you in touch with the subject matter,” quipped the old man. "It's not experience of subject matter that makes us masters, it's never having experienced it that makes us masters." “Such mastery ought to be acquired with Death then.” In this manner, they entered into an elevated conversation with double entendre, allusions, puns, obscure references and innuendos, as benefit miniaturists who respected both the old masters as well as their own talent. Since it was my existence that was being discussed, I listened intently to the conversation, the entirety of which, I know, would bore the distinguished miniaturists among us in this good coffeehouse. Let me just say that there came a point when the discussion touched upon the following: “Is the measure of a miniaturist's talent the ability to depict everything with the same perfection as the great masters or the ability to introduce into the picture subject matter which no one else can see?” said the sure-handed, stunning-eyed, brilliant illustrator, and although he himself knew the answer to this question, he remained quite reserved. “The Venetians measure a miniaturist's prowess by his ability to discover novel subject matter and techniques that have never before been used,” insisted the old man arrogantly. “Venetians die like Venetians,” said the illustrator who would soon draw me. “All our deaths resemble one another,” said the old man. “Legends and paintings recount how men are distinct from one another, not how everybody resembles one another,” said the wise illustrator. “The master miniaturist earns his mastery by depicting unique legends as if we were already familiar with them.” In this manner, the conversation turned to the differences between the deaths of Venetians and Ottomans, to the Angel of Death and the other angels of Allah, and how they could never be appropriated by the artistry of the infidels. The young master who is presently staring at me with his beautiful eyes in our dear coffeehouse was disturbed by these weighty words, his hands grew impatient, he longed to depict me, yet he had no idea what kind of entity I was. The sly and calculating old man who wanted to beguile the young master caught the scent of the young man's eagerness. In the shadowy room, the old man bore his eyes, which glowed in the light of the idly burning oil lamp, into the miracle- handed young master. “Death, whom the Venetians depict in human form, is to us an angel like Azrael,” he said. “Yes, in the form of a man. Just like Gabriel, who appeared as a person when he delivered the Sacred Word to Our Prophet. You do understand, don't you?" I realized that the young master, whom Allah had endowed with astonishing talent, was impatient and wanted to illustrate me, because the devilish old man had succeeded in arousing him with this devilish idea: What we essentially want is to draw something unknown to us in all its shadowiness, not something we know in all its illumination. “I am not, in the least, familiar with Death,” said the miniaturist. "We all know Death," said the old man. "We fear it, but we don't know it." “Then it falls to you to draw that fear,” said the old man. He was about to create me just then. The great master miniaturist's nape was tingling; his arm muscles were tensing up and his fingers yearned for a reed pen. Yet, because he was the most genuine of great masters, he restrained himself, knowing that This tension would further deepen the love of painting in his soul. The wily old man understood what was happening, and aiming to inspire the youth in his rendition of me, which he was certain would be completed before long, he began to read passages about me from the books before him: El-Jevziyye's Book of the Soul, Gazzali's Book of the Apocalypse and Suyuti. And so, as the master miniaturist with the miracle touch was making this portrait, which you now so fearfully behold, he listened to how the Angel of Death had thousands of wings which spanned Heaven and Earth, from the farthest point in the East to the farthest point in the West. He heard how these wings would be a great comfort to the truly faithful yet for sinners and rebels as painful as a spike through the flesh. Since a majority of you miniaturists are bound for Hell, he depicted me laden with spikes. He listened to how the angel sent to you by Allah to take your lives would carry a ledger wherein all your names appeared and how, some of your names would be circled in black. Only Allah has knowledge of the exact moment of death: When this moment arrives, a leaf falls from the tree located beneath His throne and whoever lays hold of this leaf can read for whom Death has come. For all these reasons, the miniaturist depicted me as a terrifying being, but thoughtful, too, like one who understands accounts. The mad old man continued to read: when the Angel of Death, who appeared in human form, extended his hand and took the soul of the person whose time on Earth had ended, an all-encompassing light reminiscent of the light of the sun shone, and thus, the wise miniaturist depicted me bathed in light, for he also knew that this light wouldn't be visible to those who had gathered beside the deceased. The impassioned old man read from the Book of the Soul about ancient grave robbers who had witnessed, in place of bodies riddled with spikes, only flames and skulls filled with molten lead. Hence, the wondrous illustrator, listening intently to such accounts, depicted me in a manner that would terrify whoever laid eyes on me. Later, he regretted what he'd done. Not due to the terror with which he'd imbued his picture, but because he dared to make the illustration at all. As for me, I feel like someone whose father regards him with embarrassment and regret. Why did the miniaturist with the gifted hands regret having illustrated me? 1. Because I, the picture of Death, had not been drawn with enough mastery. As you can see, I am not as perfect as what the great Venetian masters or the old masters of Herat drew. I, too, am embarrassed by my wretchedness. The great master has not depicted me in a style befitting the dignity of Death. 2. Upon being cunningly duped by the old man, the master illustrator who drew me found himself, suddenly and unwittingly, imitating the methods and perspectives of the Frankish virtuosos. It disturbed his soul because he felt he was being disrespectful and, he sensed for the first time, oddly dishonorable toward the old masters. 3. It must've even dawned on him, as it does now on some of the imbeciles who have tired of me and are smiling: Death is no laughing matter. The master miniaturist who made me now roams the streets endlessly each night in fits of regret; like certain Chinese masters, he believes he's become what he has drawn. I AM ESTHERLadies from the neighborhoods of Redminaret and Blackcat had ordered purple and red quilting from the town of Bilejik; so, early in the morning, I loaded up my makeshift satchel—the large cloth that I'd fill up and tie into a bundle. I removed the green Chinese silk that had recently arrived by way of the Portuguese trader but wasn't selling, substituting the more alluring blue. And given the persistent snows of this endless winter, I carefully folded plenty of colorful socks, thick sashes and heavy vests, all of wool, arranging them in the center of the bundle: When I spread open my blanket a bouquet of color would bloom to make even the most indifferent woman's heart leap. Next, I packed some lightweight, but expensive, silk handkerchiefs, money purses and embroidered washcloths especially for those ladies who called for me not to make a purchase but to gossip. I lifted the tote. My goodness, this is much too heavy, it'll break my back. I put it down and opened it. As I stared at it, trying to determine what to leave out, I heard knocking at the door. Nesim opened it and called to me. It was that concubine Hayriye, all flushed and blushing. She held a letter in her hand. “Shekure sent it,” she hissed. This slave was so flustered that you'd think she was the one who'd fallen in love and wanted to get married. With dead seriousness, I grabbed the letter. I warned the idiot to return home without being seen by anyone and she left. Nesim cast a questioning eye at me. I took up the larger, yet lighter decoy satchel I carried whenever I was out delivering my letters. “Shekure, the daughter of Master Enishte, is burning with love,” I said. “She's gone clear out of her mind, the poor girl.” I cackled and stepped outside, but then was gripped by pangs of embarrassment. If truth be told, I longed to shed a tear for Shekure's sorrows instead of making light of her dalliances. How beautiful she is, that dark-eyed melancholy girl of mine! I ever so quickly strode past the run-down homes of our Jewish neighborhood, which looked even more deserted and pitiful in the morning cold. Much later, when I caught sight of that blind beggar who always took up his spot on the corner of Hasan's street, I shouted as loud as I could, “Clothierrr!” “Fat witch,” he said. “Even if you hadn't shouted I would've recognized you by your footsteps.” “You good-for-nothing blind man,” I said. “You ill-fated Tatar! Blind men like you are scourges forsaken by Allah. May He give you the punishment you deserve.” In the past, such exchanges wouldn't have angered me. I wouldn't have taken them seriously. Hasan's father opened the door. He was an Abkhazian, a noble gentleman and polite. “Let's have a look, then, what have you brought with you this time?” he said. “Is that slothful son of yours still asleep?” “How could he be sleeping? He's waiting, expecting news from you.” This house is so dark that each time I visit, I feel as if I've entered a tomb. Shekure never asks what they're up to, but I always make a point of carping about the place so she won't even consider returning to this crypt. It's hard to imagine that lovely Shekure was once mistress of this house and that she lived here with her rascally boys. Within, it smelled of sleep and death. I entered the next room, moving farther into the blackness. You couldn't see your hand before your face. I didn't even have the chance to present the letter to Hasan. He appeared out of the darkness and snatched it from my hand. As I always did, I left him alone to read the letter and satisfy his curiosity. He soon raised his head from the page. “Isn't there anything else?” he said. He knew there was nothing else. “This is a brief note,” he said and readBlack Effendi, you pay visits to our home, and spend your days here. Yet I've heard that you haven't written even a single line of my father's book. Don't get your hopes up without first completing that manuscript. Letter in hand, he glared accusingly into my eyes, as if all this was my fault. I'm not fond of these silences in this house. “There's no longer any word of her being married, of her husband returning from the front,” he said. “Why?” “How should I know why?” I said. “I'm not the one who writes the letters.” “Sometimes I wonder even about that,” he said, handing back the letter along with fifteen silver. “Some men grow stingier the more they earn. You're not that way,” I said. There was such an enchanting, intelligent side to this man that despite all his dark and evil traits, one could see why Shekure would still accept his letters. “What is this book of Shekure's father?” “You know! Our Sultan is funding the whole project they say.” “Miniaturists are murdering each other over the pictures in that book,” he said. “Is it for the money or—God forbid—because the book desecrates our religion? They say one glance at its pages is enough to bring on blindness.” He said all this, smiling in such a way that I knew I shouldn't take any of it seriously. Even if it were a matter to take to heart, at the very least, there was nothing for him to take seriously about me taking the matter seriously. Like many of the men who depended on my services as a letter courier and mediator, Hasan lashed out at me when his pride was hurt. I, as part of my job, pretended to be upset to hearten him. Maidens, on the contrary, hugged me and cried when their feelings were hurt. “You're an intelligent woman,” said Hasan in order to soothe my pride, which he believed he'd injured. “Deliver this posthaste. I'm curious about that fool's response.” For a moment, I felt like saying, “Black is not so foolish.” In such situations, making rival suitors jealous of each other will earn Esther the matchmaker more money. But I was afraid he'd have a sudden tantrum. “You know the Tatar beggar at the end of the street?” I said. “He's very vulgar, that one.” To avoid getting into it with the blind man, I walked down the other end of the street and thus happened to pass through the Chicken Market early in the morning. Why don't Muslims eat the heads and feet of chickens? Because they're so strange! My grandmother, may she rest in peace, would tell me how chicken feet were so inexpensive when her family arrived here from Portugal that she'd boil them for food. At Kemeraral 1k, I saw a woman on horseback with her slaves, sitting bolt upright like a man. She was proud as proud could be, maybe the wife of a pasha or his rich daughter. I sighed. If Shekure's father hadn't been so absentmindedly devoted to books, if her husband had returned from the Safavid war with his plunder, Shekure might've lived like this haughty woman. More than anyone, she deserved it. When I turned onto Black's street, my heart quickened. Did I want Shekure to marry this man? I've succeeded both in keeping Shekure involved with Hasan and, at the same time, in keeping them apart. But what about this Black? He seems to have both feet on the ground in all respects except with regard to his love for Shekure. “Clothierrrrr!” There's nothing I'd trade for the pleasure of delivering letters to lovers addled by loneliness or the lack of wife or husband. Even if they're certain of receiving the worst news, when they're about to read the letter, a shudder of hope overcomes them. By not mentioning anything about her husband's return, by tying her warning “Don't get your hopes up” to one condition alone, Shekure had, of course, given Black more than just cause to be hopeful. With great pleasure, I watched him read the letter. He was so happy he was distraught, afraid even. When he withdrew to write his response, I, being a sensible clothes peddler, spread open my decoy “delivery” satchel and withdrew from it a dark money purse, which I attempted to sell to Black's nosy landlady. “This is made of the best Persian velvet,” I said. “My son died at war in Persia,” she said. “Whose letters do you deliver to Black?” I could read from her face that she was making plans to set up her own wiry daughter, or who knows whose daughter, with lionhearted Black. “No one's,” I said. “A poor relative of his who's on his deathbed in the Bayrampasha sickhouse and needs money.” “Oh my,” she said, unconvinced, “who is the unfortunate man?” “How did your son die in the war?” I asked stubbornly. We began to glare at each other with hostility. She was a widow and all alone. Her life must've been quite difficult. If you ever happen to become a clothier-cum-messenger like Esther, you'll soon learn that only wealth, might and legendary romances stir people's curiosity. Everything else is but worry, separation, jealousy, loneliness, enmity, tears, gossip and never-ending poverty. Such things never change, just like the objects that furnish a home: a faded old kilim, a ladle and small copper pan resting on an empty baking sheet, tongs and an ash box resting beside the stove, two worn chests—one small, one large—a turban stand maintained to conceal the widow's solitary life and an old sword to scare thieves off. Black hastily returned with his money purse. “Clothier woman,” he said, making himself heard to the meddling landlady rather than myself. “Take this and bring it to our suffering patient. If he has any response for me, I'll be waiting. You can find me at Master Enishte's house, where I'll spend the rest of the day.” There's no need for all of these games. No cause for a young brave-heart like Black to hide his amatory maneuvers, the signals he receives, the handkerchiefs and letters he sends in pursuit of a maiden. Or does he truly have his eye on his landlady's daughter? At times, I didn't trust Black at all and was afraid that he was deceiving Shekure terribly. How is it that, despite spending his entire day with Shekure in the same house, he's incapable of giving her a sign? Once I was outside, I opened the purse. It contained twelve silver coins and a letter. I was so curious about the letter that I nearly ran to Hasan. Vegetable-sellers had spread out cabbage, carrots and the rest in front of their shops. But I didn't even have it in me to touch the plump leeks that were crying out to me to fondle them. I turned onto the side street, and saw that the blind Tatar was there waiting to heckle me again. “Tuh,” I spat in his direction; that was all. Why doesn't this biting cold freeze these vagrants to death? As Hasan silently read the letter, I could barely maintain my patience. Finally, unable to restrain myself, I suddenly said “Yes?” and he began reading aloud: My Dearest Shekure, you've requested that I complete your father's book. You can be certain that I have no other goal. I visit your house for this reason; not to pester you, as you'd earlier indicated. I'm quite aware that my love for you is my own concern. Yet, due to this love, I'm unable properly to take up my pen and write what your father—my dear Uncle—has requested for his book. Whenever I sense your presence in the house, I seize up and am of no service to your father. I've mulled this over extensively and there can be but one cause: After twelve years, I've seen your face only once, when you showed yourself at the window. Now, I quite fear losing that vision. If I could once more see you close-up, I'd have no fear of losing you, and I could easily finish your father's book. Yesterday, Shevket brought me to the abandoned house of the Hanged Jew. No one will see us there. Today, at whatever time you see fit, I'll go there and wait for you. Yesterday, Shevket mentioned that you dreamt your husband had died. Hasan read the letter mockingly, in places raising his already high-pitched voice even higher like a woman's, and in places, emulating the trembling supplication of a lover who'd lost all reason. He made light of Black's having written his wish “to see you just once” in Persian. He added, “As soon as Black saw that Shekure had given him some hope, he quickly began to negotiate. Such haggling isn't something a genuine lover would resort to.” “He's genuinely in love with Shekure,” I said naively. “This comment proves that you've taken Black's side,” he said. “If Shekure has written that she dreamt my older brother was dead, it means she accepts her husband's death.” “That was just a dream,” I said like an idiot. “I know how smart and cunning Shevket is. We lived together for many years! Without his mother's permission and prodding, he'd never have taken Black to the house of the Hanged Jew. If Shekure thinks she's through with my older brother—with us—she's terribly mistaken! My older brother is still alive and he'll return from the war.” Before he had a chance to conclude, he went into the next room where he intended to light a candle, but succeeded only in burning his hand. He let out a howl. All the while licking the burn, he finally lit the candle and placed it beside a folding worktable. He produced a reed pen from its case, dipped it into an inkwell and began furiously writing on a small piece of paper. I sensed his pleasure at my watching him, and to show that I wasn't afraid, I smiled exaggeratedly. “Who is this Hanged Jew, you must know?” he asked. “Just beyond these houses there's a yellow one. They say that Moshe Hamon, the beloved doctor of the previous Sultan and the wealthiest of men, had for years hidden his Jewish mistress from Amasya and her brother there. Years ago in Amasya, on the eve of Passover, when a Greek youth supposedly ”disappeared“ in the Jewish quarter, people claimed that he'd been strangled so unleavened bread could be made from his blood. When false witnesses were brought forward, an execution of Jews began; however, the Sultan's beloved doctor helped this beautiful woman and her brother escape, and hid them with the permission of the Sultan. After the Sultan died, His enemies couldn't find the beautiful woman, but they hanged her brother, who'd been living alone.” “If Shekure doesn't wait for my brother to come back from the front, they'll punish her,” said Hasan, handing me the letters. No anger or wrath could be seen on his face, just the misfortune and sorrow particular to the love-stricken. I suddenly saw in his eyes how fast love had aged him. The money he'd begun to earn working in customs hadn't made him more youthful at all. After all his offended grimaces and threats, it dawned on me that he might once again ask me how Shekure could be won over. But he'd come so close to becoming thoroughly evil that he could no longer ask. Once one accepts evil—and rejection in love is a significant cause for doing so—cruelty follows quickly. I became afraid of my thoughts and that terrible red sword the boys talked about, which severed whatever it touched; in my desperation to leave, in a near frenzy, I stumbled outside onto the street. This was how I fell unwitting victim to the curses of the Tatar beggar. But I immediately pulled myself together. I softly dropped a small stone I'd picked off the ground into his handkerchief and said, “There you go, mangy Tatar.” Without laughing, I watched his hand reach hopefully for the stone he thought was a coin. Ignoring his curses, I headed toward one of my “daughters,” whom I'd married off to a good husband. That sweet “daughter” of mine served me a piece of spinach pie, a leftover, but still crisp. For the afternoon meal she was preparing lamb stew in a sauce heavy with beaten eggs and spiced with sour plum, just the way I like it. So as not to disappoint her, I waited and ate two full ladles with fresh bread. She'd also made a nice compote of stewed grapes. Without any hesitation, I requested some rose-petal jam, a spoonful of which I stirred into the compote before topping off my meal. Afterward, I went on to deliver the letters to my melancholy Shekure. I, SHEKUREI was in the midst of folding and putting away the clothes that had been washed and hung out to dry yesterday when Hayriye announced Esther had come…or, this was what I planned to tell you. But why should I lie? All right then, when Esther arrived, I was spying on my father and Black through the closet peephole, impatiently waiting for the letters from Black and Hasan, and thus, my mind was preoccupied with her. Just as I sensed that my father's fears of death were justified, I also knew Black's interest in me wasn't eternal. He was in love insofar as he wanted to be married, and because he wanted to be married, he easily fell in love. If not me, he'd love. If not me, he'd marry another, taking care to fall in love with her beforehand. In the kitchen, Hayriye sat Esther in a corner and handed her a glass of rosewater sherbet, as she gave me a guilty look. I realized that since Hayriye had become my father's mistress, she might be reporting to him everything she sees. I'm afraid that this may indeed be the case. “My black-eyed girl, my dark-fortuned beauty, my stunning beauty of beauties, I was delayed because Nesim, my pig of a husband, kept me occupied with all sorts of nonsense,” said Esther. “You have no husband senselessly haranguing you, and I hope you know the value of this.” She took out the letters; I snatched them from her hand. Hayriye withdrew to a corner where she wouldn't be in the way, but could still hear everything that passed between us. So Esther wouldn't be able to see my expression, I turned my back on her and read Black's letter first. When I thought about the house of the Hanged Jew, I shuddered for a moment. “Don't be afraid, Shekure, you can manage in any situation,” I said to myself and began reading Hasan's letter. He was on the verge of madness: Shekure, I'm burning with desire, yet I know you're not in the least concerned. In my dreams, I see myself chasing you over deserted hilltops. Every time you leave one of my letters—that I know you read—unanswered, a three-feathered arrow pierces my heart. I'm writing in hopes that you'll respond this time. The word is out, everyone's spreading the news, even your children are saying it: You've dreamed that your husband has died, and now you claim that you're free. I cannot say whether or not it's true. What I do know is that you're still married to my older brother and bound to this household. Now that my father finds me justified, we're both going to the judge to have you returned here. We'll be coming with a group of men we've assembled; so let your father be forewarned. Collect your things, you're to come back to this house. Send your response with Esther immediately. After reading the letter a second time, I pulled myself together and gazed at Esther with questioning eyes, but she told me nothing new about Hasan or Black. I pulled out the reed pen that I kept hidden in a corner of the pantry, placed a sheet of paper on the breadboard and was about to begin writing a letter to Black when I froze. Something came to mind. I turned toward Esther: She'd fallen upon the rosewater sherbet with the joy of a chubby child and so it seemed ridiculous to me that she could be aware of what was going through my mind. “See how sweetly you're smiling, my dear,” she said. “Don't worry, in the end everything will be all right. Istanbul is rife with rich gentlemen and pashas who'd give their souls to be wed to a stunning beauty, possessed of so many talents like yourself.” You understand what I'm talking about: Sometimes you'll say something you're convinced of, but no sooner do the words leave your mouth than you ask yourself, “Why did I say this so halfheartedly, even though I believe it through and through?” That was what happened when I said the following: “But Esther, who'd want to marry a widow with two kids, for Heaven's sake?” “A widow like you? Plenty, a slew of men,” she said, conveying them all with a hand gesture. I looked into her eyes. I was thinking I did not like her. I fell so silent that she knew I wasn't going to give her a letter and even that it would be better if she left. After Esther had gone, I withdrew to my own corner of the house as though I could feel my silence—how should I put it—in my soul. Leaning on the wall, for a long while I stood still in the blackness. I thought of myself, of what I should do, of the fear that was growing within me. All the while I could hear Shevket and Orhan chattering upstairs. “And you're as timid as a girl,” said Shevket. “You only attack from behind.” “My tooth is loose,” said Orhan. At the same time, another part of my mind was concentrating on what was transpiring between my father and Black. The blue door of the workshop was open, and I could easily hear them: “After beholding the portraits of the Venetian masters, we realize with horror,” said my father, “that, in painting, eyes can no longer simply be holes in a face, always the same, but must be just like our own eyes, which reflect light like a mirror and absorb it like a well. Lips can no longer be a crack in the middle of faces flat as paper, but must be nodes of expression—each a different shade of red—fully expressing our joys, sorrows and spirits with their slightest contraction or relaxation. Our noses can no longer be a kind of wall that divides our faces, but rather, living and curious instruments with a form unique to each of us.” Was Black as surprised as I was that my father referred to those infidel gentlemen who had their pictures made as “we”? When I looked through the peephole, I found Black's face to be so pale that I was momentarily alarmed. My dark beloved, my troubled hero, were you unable to sleep for thinking of me the whole night? Is that why the blush has left your face? Perhaps you aren't aware that Black is a tall, thin and handsome man. He has a broad forehead, almond-shaped eyes and a strong, straight, elegant nose. As in his childhood, his hands are long and thin and his fingers are jittery and agile. He's wiry, and stands straight and tall, with shoulders on the broad side, but not as broad as those of a water carrier. When he was younger, his body and his face hadn't yet settled. Twelve years later, when I first laid eyes on him from this dark refuge of mine, I immediately saw that he'd attained a kind of perfection. Now, when I bring my eye right up to the hole, I see on his face the worry that plagues him. I felt at once guilty and proud that he'd suffered so on my account. Black listened to what my father said, gazing upon an illustration made for the book, with a look completely innocent and childlike. Just then, when I saw that he'd opened his pink mouth as a child would have, I unexpectedly felt, yes, like putting my breast into it. With my fingers on his nape and tangled in his hair, Black would place his head between my breasts, and as my own children used to do, he'd roll his eyes back into his head with pleasure as he sucked on my nipple: After understanding that only through my compassion would he find peace, he'd become completely bound to me. I perspired faintly and imagined Black marveling at the size of my breasts with surprise and intensity—rather than studying the illustration of the Devil that my father was actually showing him. Not only my breasts, but as if drunk with the vision of me, he was gazing at my hair, my neck, at all of me. He was so attracted to me that he was giving voice to those sweet nothings he couldn't summon as a youth; from his glances, I realized how he was in awe of my proud demeanor, my manners, my upbringing, the way I waited patiently and bravely for my husband, and the beauty of the letter I'd written him. I felt anger toward my father, who was setting things up so I wouldn't be able to marry again. I was also fed up with those illustrations he was having the miniaturists make in imitation of the Frankish masters, and I was sick of his recollections of Venice. When I closed my eyes again—Allah, it wasn't my own desire—in my thoughts, Black had approached me so sweetly that in the dark I could feel him beside me. Suddenly, I sensed that he'd come up from behind me, he was kissing the nape of my neck, the back of my ears, and I could feel how strong he was. He was solid, large and hard, and I could lean on him. I felt secure. My nape tingled, my nipples were stiffening. It seemed as if there in the dark, with my eyes closed, I could feel his enlarged member behind me, close to me. My head spun. What was Black's like? I wondered. At times in my dreams, my husband in his agony shows his to me. I come to the awareness that my husband is struggling to keep his bloody body, lanced and shot with Persian arrows, walking upright as he approaches. But sadly, there is a river between us. As he calls to me from the opposite bank, covered in blood and suffering terribly, I notice that he has become erect. If it's true what the Georgian bride said at the public bath, and if there's truth to what the old hags say, “Yes, it grows that large,” then my husband's wasn't so big. If Black's is bigger, if that enormous thing I saw under Black's belt when he took up the empty piece of paper I'd sent by Shevket yesterday; if that was actually it—and it surely was—I'm afraid I'll suffer great pain, if it even fits inside me at all. “Mother, Shevket is mocking me.” I left the black corner of the closet, quietly passing into the room across the hall, where I removed the red broadcloth vest from the chest and put it on. They'd spread out my mattress and were shouting and frolicking on it. “Didn't I warn you that when Black visits you aren't to shout, did I not?” “Mama, why did you put that red vest on?” Shevket asked. “But Mother, Shevket was mocking me,” Orhan said. “Didn't I tell you not to mock him? And what's this foul thing doing here?” Off to the side there was a piece of animal hide. “It's a carcass,” Orhan said. “Shevket found it on the street.” “Quick, take it and throw it back where you found it, now.” “Let Shevket do it.” “I said now!” As I would do before I slapped them, I bit my lower lip angrily, and seeing how serious I really was, they fled in fright. I hope they return soon so they don't c