Chapter 10 Crossroads

Nah opened the door for Anne Nelson as she went out. "Good-bye, Noah," she said quietly. He nodded without speaking. There wasn't anything else to say; they both knew that. She turned from him and left, closing the door behind her. Noah watched her walk to her car, get in, and drive away without looking back. a strong woman, he thought to himself, and he knew where Allie got it from. Noah peeked in the living room, saw Allie sitting with her head down, then went to the back porch, knowing that she needed to be alone. He sat quietly in his rocker and watched the water drifting by as the minutes passed.

After what seemed like an eternity he heard the back door open. He didnt turn to look at her just then - for some reason he couldnt - and he listened as she sat in the chair beside him. "I'm sorry," Allie said. "I had no idea this would happen." Noah shook his head. "Don't be sorry. We both knew it was coming in some form or another." "It's still hard." "I know." He finally turned to her, reaching for her hand. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" She shook her head. "No. Not really. I have to do this alone. Besides, Im not sure what Im going to say to him yet."

She looked down and her voice became softer and a little more distant, as if she were talking to herself. "I guess it depends on him and how much he knows. If my mother was right, he may have suspicions, but he doesn't know anything for sure." Noah felt a tightness in his stomach. When he finally spoke his voice was steady, but she could hear the pain in it. "You're not going to tell him about us, are you?" "I dont know. I really dont. While I was in the living room, I kept asking myself what I really wanted in my life." She squeezed his hand. "And do you know what the answer was? The answer was that I wanted two things. First, I want you. I want us. I love you and I always have."

She took a deep breath before going on. "But I also want a happy ending without hurting anyone. And I know that if I stayed, people would be hurt. Especially Lon. I wasn't lying when I told you that I love him. He doesn't make me feel the same way you do , but I care for him, and this wouldn't be fair to him. But staying here would also hurt my family and friends. I would be betraying everyone I know. I dont know if I can do that." "You cant live your life for other people. Youve got to do whats right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." "I know," she said, "but no matter what I choose I have to live with it. Forever. I have to be able to go forward and not look back anymore. Can you understand that?"

He shook his head and tried to keep his voice steady. "Not really. Not if it means losing you. I cant do that again." She didnt say anything but lowered her head. Noah went on: "Could you really leave me without looking back?" She bit her lip as she answered. Her voice was beginning to crack. "I dont know. Probably not." "Would that be fair to Lon?" She didnt answer right away. Instead she stood, wiped her face, and walked to the edge of the porch where she leaned against the post. She crossed her arms and watched the water before answering quietly.

"It doesn't have to be like this, Allie," he said. "Were adults now, we have the choice we didn't have before. Were meant to be together. We always have been." He walked to her side and put his hand on her shoulder. "I dont want to live the rest of my life thinking about you and dreaming of what might have been. Stay with me, Allie." Tears began to fill her eyes. "I dont know if I can," she finally whispered. "You can. Allie... I cant live my life happily knowing youre with someone else. That would kill a part of me. What we have is rare. Its too beautiful to just throw it away."

She didnt respond. After a moment he gently turned her toward him, took her hands, and stared at her, willing her to look at him. Allie finally faced him with moist eyes. After a long silence, Noah brushed the tears from her cheeks with his fingers, a look of tenderness on his face. His voice caught as he saw what her eyes were telling him. "Youre not going to stay, are you?" He smiled weakly. "You want to, but you cant." "Oh, Noah," she said as the tears began again, "please try to understand" He shook his head to stop her. "I know what you're trying to say - I can see it in your eyes. But I dont want to understand it, Allie. I dont want it to end this way. I dont want it to end at all. But if you leave, we both know well never see each other again."

She leaned into him and began to cry harder as Noah fought back his own tears. He wrapped his arms around her. "Allie, I cant force you to stay with me. But no matter what happens in my life, Ill never forget these last couple of days with you. Ive been dreaming about this for years." He kissed her gently, and they embraced as they had when she first got out of her car two days ago. Finally Allie let him go and wiped her tears. "I have to get my things, Noah." He didnt go inside with her. Instead he sat down in the rocker, spent. He watched her go into the house and listened as the sound of her movements faded into nothing.

She emerged from the house minutes later with everything shed brought and walked toward him with her head down. She handed him the drawing she had done yesterday morning. As he took it, he noticed that she hadnt stopped crying. "Here, Noah. I made this for you." Noah took the drawing and unrolled it slowly, carefully not to tear it. There were dual images, one overlapping the other. The image in the foreground, which occupied most of the page, was a picture of how he looked now, not fourteen years ago. Noah noticed that she had penciled in every detail of his face, including the scar. It was almost as if shed copied it from a recent photograph.

The second image was that of the front of the house. The detail there was also incredible, as if she had sketched it while sitting beneath the oak tree. "Its beautiful, Allie. Thank you." He attempted a smile. "I told you that you were an artist." She nodded, her face cast downward, her lips pressed together. It was time for her to go. They walked to her car slowly, without speaking. When they reached it, Noah embraced her again until he could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes. He kissed her lips and both cheeks, then with his finger softly brushed the places hed kissed .

"I love you, Allie." "I love you, too." Noah opened her car door, and they kissed one more time. Then she slid behind the wheel, never taking her eyes from him. She put the packet of letters and the pocketbook next to her on the seat and fumbled for the keys, then turned the ignition. It started easily, and the engine began to turn over impatiently. It was almost time. Noah pushed her door closed with both hands, and Allie rolled down the window. She could see the muscles in his arms, the easy smile, the tanned face. She reached out her hand and Noah took it for just a moment, moving his fingers softly against her skin. "Stay with me," Noah mouthed without sound, and this for some reason hurt more than Allie would have expected. The tears began to fall hard now, but she couldn't speak. Finally, reluctantly, she looked away and pulled her hand from his. She put the car in gear and eased the pedal down just a bit. If she didnt leave now, she never would. Noah backed up just a bit as the car started to roll away. He fell into an almost trance-like state as he felt the reality of the situation. He watched the car roll slowly forward; he heard the gravel crunching under the wheels. Slowly the car began to turn from him, toward the road that would take her back to town. Leaving - she was leaving!-and Noah felt dizzy at the sight. Edging forward.., past him now... She waved one last time without smiling before she began to accelerate, and he waved back weakly. "Don't go!" he wanted to shout as the car moved farther away. But he didn't say anything, and a minute later the car was gone and the only remaining signs of her were the tracks that her car had left behind. He stood there without moving for a long time. As quickly as she had come, she was gone. Forever this time. Forever. He closed his eyes then and watched her leave once more, her car moving steadily away from him, taking his heart with her. But, like her mother, he realized sadly, she never looked back.