Chapter 9 JULY Huh

Sunday 2 July 8st 10 (continuing good work), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, calories 995, Instants 0: perfect. 7.45 am Mum just rang. Oh, hello, darling, guess what?' Ill just take the phone in the other room. Hang on, I said, glancing over nervously at Daniel, unplugging the phone, creeping next door and plugging it in again only to find my mother had not noticed my absence for the last two and a half minutes and was still talking. . . . So what do you think, darling?' Um, I dont know. I was bringing the phone into the other room like I said, I said. Ah. So you didn't hear anything?'

No. There was a slight pause. Oh, hello, darling, guess what? Sometimes I think my mother is part of the modern world and sometimes she seems a million miles away. Like when she leaves messages on my answerphone which just say, very loudly and clearly, Bridget Jones mother. ' Hello? Oh, hello, darling, guess what? she said, again. What? I said resignedly. Una and Geoffrey are having a Tarts and Vicars party in the garden on the twenty-ninth of July. Dont you thin thats fun! Tarts and Vicars! Imagine!' I tried hard not to, fighting off a vision of Una Alconbury in thigh boots, fishnet nights and a peephole bra. For sixty-year-olds to organize such an event seemed unnatural and wrong.

Anyway, we thought it would be super if you and — coy, loaded pause — Daniel, could come. Were all dying to meet him.' My heart sank at the thought of my relationship with Daniel being dissected in dose and intimate detail among the Lifeboat luncheons of Northamptonshire. I dont think its really Daniels — Just as I said that the chair I had, for some reason, been balancing on with my knees while I leaned over the table fell over with a crash. When I retrieved the phone my mother was still talking. Yes, super. Mark Darcys going to be there, apparently, with someone, so . . . '

What's going on? Daniel was standing stark naked in the doorway. Who are you talking to?' My mother, I said, desperately, out of the corner of my mouth. Give it to me, he said, taking the phone. I like it when he is authoritative without being cross like this. Mrs Jones, he said, in his most charming voice. Its Daniel here.' I could practically hear her going all fluttery. This is very bright and early on a Sunday morning for a phone call. Yes, it is an absolutely beautiful day. What can we do for you?' He looked at me while she chattered for a few seconds then turned back to the receiver.

Well, thatll be lovely. I shall put that in the diary for the twenty-ninth and look out my dog ​​collar. Now, wed better get back and catch up on our sleep. You take care of yourself, now. Cheerio. Yes. Cheerio, he said firmly, and put the phone down. You see, he said smugly, a firm hand, thats all it needs.' Saturday 22 July 8st 11 (hmm must get 1lb off), alcohol units 2, cigarettes 7, calories 1562. Actually I am really excited about Daniel coming to the Tarts and Vicars party with me next Saturday. It will be so lovely for once not to have to drive up on my own, arrive on my own and face all that barrage of inquiry about why I Havent got a boyfriend. It will be a gorgeous hot day. Maybe we could even make a mini-break of it and stay in a pub (or other hotel without televisions in the bedroom). Im really looking forward to Daniel meeting my dad. I hope he likes him.

2 am Woke up in floods of tears from, a hideous dream I keep having where Im sitting A-level French and realize as I turn over the paper that I have forgotten to do any revision and Im wearing nothing except my Domestic Science apron, trying Desperately to pull it round me so Miss Chignall wont see that Im wearing no pants. I expected Daniel to at least be sympathetic. I know-its all to do with my worries about where my career is leading me but he just lit himself a cigarette and asked me to run over the bit about the Domestic Science apron again. Its all right for you with your bloody Cambridge First. I whispered, sniffing. Ill never forget the moment when I looked at the notice board and saw a D next to French and knew I couldnt go to Manchester. life.'

You should thank your lucky stars, Bridge, he said, lying on his back and blowing smoke at the ceiling. Youd probably have married some crashing Geoffrey Boycott character and spent the rest of your life cleaning out the whippet cage. started laughing, . . . theres nothing wrong with a degree from . . . from . . . (he was so amused now he could hardly speak) . . . Bangor.' Right, thats it. Im sleeping on the sofa, I yelled, jumping out of bed. Hey, dont be like that, Bridge, he said, pulling me back. You know I think youre a . . . an intellectual giant. You just need to learn how to interpret dreams.'

Whats the dream telling me, then? I said sulkily. That I havent fulfilled my potential intellectually?' Not exactly.' What, then?' Well, I think the pantless apron is a pretty obvious symbol, isn't it?' What?' It means that the vain pursuit of an intellectual life is getting in the way of your true purpose.' Which is what?' Well, to cook all my meals for me, of course, darling, he said, beside himself at his own amusingness again. And walk around my flat with no pants on.' Friday 28 July 8st 12 (must do diet before tomorrow), alcohol units I (vg), cigarettes 8, calories 345.

Mmmm. Daniel was really sweet tonight and spent ages helping me choose my outfit for the Tarts and Vicars. He kept suggesting different ensembles for me to try on while he weighed it up. He was quite keen on a dog collar and black T-shirt with black lace-topped hold-ups as a cross between a tart and a vicar but in the end, after Id walked about for quite a while in both of them, he decided the best one was a black lacy Marks and Spencer body, with stockings and suspenders, a French maids-style apron which wed made out of two hankies and a piece of ribbon, a bow-tie, and a cotton-wool rabbits tail . It was really good of him to give up the time. Sometimes I think he really is quite caring. He seemed particularly keen on sex tonight as well.

Ooh, I am so looking forward to tomorrow. Saturday 29 July 8st 11 9v.g.), alcohol units 7, cigarettes 8, calories 6245 (sodding Una Alconbury, Mark Darcy, Daniel, Mum, everybody). 2 pm Cannot believe what has happened. By 1 pm Daniel had still not woke up and I was starting to worry because the party starts at 2.30. Eventually I woke him with a cup of coffee and said, I thought you needed to wake up because were supposed to be there at two-thirty.' Where? he said. The Tarts and Vicars. Oh God, love. Listen, Ive just realized, Ive got so-much work to do this weekend. Im really going to have to stay at home and get down to it.'

I couldn't believe it. He promised to come. Everyone knows when you are going out with someone they are supposed to support you at hideous family occasions, and he thinks if he so much as mentions the word work he can get out of anything. Now all the Alconburys friends will spend the entire time asking me if Ive got a boyfriend yet and no one will believe me. 10 pm Cannot believe what I have been through. I drove for two hours, parked at the front of the Alconburys and, hoping I looked OK in the bunny girl outfit, walked round the side to the garden where I could hear voices raised in merriment As I started to cross the lawn they all went quiet, and I realized to my horror that instead of Tarts and Vicars, the ladies were in Country Casuals-style calf-length floral two-pieces and the men were in slacks and V- necked sweaters. I stood there, frozen, like, well, a rabbit. Then while everyone stared, Una Alconbury came flapping across the lawn in pleated fuchsia holding out a plastic tumbler full of bits of apple and leaves. Bridget!! Super to see you. Have a Pimms. she said. I thought it was supposed to be a Tarts and Vicars party, I hissed. Oh dear, didnt Geoff call you? she said. I couldnt believe this. I mean, did she think I dressed as a bunny girl normally or something? Geoff, she said. Didnt you telephone Bridget? Were all looking forward to meeting your new boyfriend, she sajd, looking around. Where is he?' He had to work, I muttered. Hows-my-little-Bridget? said Uncle Geoffrey, lurching over, pissed. Geoffrey, said Una coldly. Yup, Yup. But it was one of those ruddy answerphone thingummajigs.' Geoffrey, hissed Una. Go-and-see-to-the-barbecue. Im sorry, darling, you see we decided after all the scandals there have been with vicars around here thered be no point having a Tarts and Vicars party because . . . she started to laugh, . . . because everyone thought vicars were tarts anyway. Oh dear, she said, wiping her eyes. Anyway, hows this new chap, then? Whats he doing working on a Saturday? Durrr! Thats not a very good excuse, is it? How are we going to get you married off at this rate?' At this rate Im going to end up as a call girl, I muttered, trying to unpin the bunny tail from my bottom. I could feel someones eyes on me and looked up to see Mark Darcy staring fixedly at the bunny tail. Beside him was the tall thin glamorous top family-law barrister clad in a demure lilac dress and coat like Jackie O. with sunglasses on her head . The smug witch smirked at Mark and blatantly looked me up and down in a most impolite manner. Have you come from another party? she breathed. Actually, Im just on my way to work, I said, at which Mark Darcy half smiled and looked away. Hello, darling, cant stop. Shooting. trilled my mother, hurrying towards us in a bright turquoise pleated shirtwaister, waving a clapper board. What on earth do you think youre wearing darling? You look like a common prostitute. Absolute quiet, please, everyone, aaaaand . . . she yelled in the direction of Julio, who was brandishing a video camera, action!' In alarm I quickly looked round for Dad but couldn't see him anywhere. I saw Mark Darcy talking to Una and gesturing in my direction then Una, looking purposeful, hurried across to me. Bridget, I am so sorry about the mix-up over the fancy dress, she said. Mark was just saying you must feel dreadfully uncomfortable with all these older chaps around. Would you like to borrow something?' I spent the rest of the party wearing, over my suspender outfit, a puff-sleeved, floral-sprig Laura Ashley bridesmaid dress of Janines with Mark Darcys Natasha smiling and my mother periodically rushing past going, Thats a pretty dress, darling. ' I dont think much of the girlfriend, do you? said Una Alconbury loudly, nodding in Natashas direction as soon as she got me alone. Very much the Little Madam. Elaine thinks shes desperate to get her feet under the table. Mark! Another glass of Pimms? What a shame Bridget couldn't bring her boyfriend. Hes a lucky chap, isn't he? All this was said very aggressively as if Una was taking as a personal insult the fact that Mark had chosen a girlfriend who was a ) not me and b) had not been introduced to him by Una at a turkey curry buffet. Whats his name, Bridget? Daniel, is it? Pam says hes one of these sooper-dooper young publishers. Daniel Cleaver? said Mark Darcy. Yes, it is, actually, I said, jutting my chin out. Is he a friend of yours, Mark? said Una. Absolutely not, he said, abruptly. Oooh. I hope hes good enough for our little Bridget, Una pressed on, winking at me as if this was all hilarious fun instead of hideous. I think I could say again, with total confidence, absolutely not, said Mark. Oh, hang on a tick, theres Audrey. Audreyl said Una, not listening, and tripping off, thank God. I suppose you think thats clever, I said furiously, when shed gone. What? said Mark, looking surprised. Don't you "What?" me, Mark Darcy, I muttered. You sound just like my mother, he said. I suppose you think its all right to slag peoples boyfriends off to their parents friends behind their back when theyre not even there for no reason just because youre jealous, I flailed. He stared at me, as if distracted by something else. Sorry, he said. I was just trying to figure out what you mean. Have I . . .? Are you suggesting that I am jealous of Daniel Cleaver? Over you?' No, not over me, I said, furious because I realized it did sound like that. I was just assuming you must have some reason to be so horrible about my boyfriend other than pure malevolence.' Mark, darling, cooed Natasha, tripping prettyly across the lawn to join us. She was so tall and thin she hadnt felt the need to put heels on, so could walk easily across the lawn without sinking, as if designed for it, like a camel in the desert. Come and tell your mother about the dining furniture we saw in Conran.' Just take care of yourself, thats all, he said quietly, and Id tell your mum to watch out for herself too, he said, nodding pointedly in the direction of Julio as Natasha dragged him off. After 45 minutes more horror I thought I could decently leave, pleading work to Una. You career girls! Cant put it off forever you know: tick-tock-tick-tock, she said. I had to have a cigarette in the car for five minutes before I was calm enough to set off. Then just as I got back to the main road my dads car drove past. Sitting next to him in the front seat was Penny Husbands-Bosworth , wearing a red lace underwired uplift basque, and two bunny ears. By the time I got back to London and off the motorway I was feeling pretty shaky and back much earlier than I expected, so I thought, instead of going straight home, Id go round to Daniels for a bit of reassurance. I parked nose to nose with Daniels car. There was I no answer when I rang, so I left it a while and rang again in case it was just in the middle of a really good wicket or something. Still no answer. must be around because his car was there and hed said he was going to be working and watching the cricket. I looked up at his window and there was Daniel. I beamed at him, waved and pointed at the door. to press the buzzer, so I rang the bell again. He took a bit of time to answer: Hi, Bridge Just the on phone to America. Can I meet you in the pub in ten minutes? OK, I said cheerfully, without thinking , and set off towards the comer. But when I looked round, there he was again, not on the phone, but watching me out of the window. Cunning as a fox, I pretended not to see and kept walking, but inside I was in turmoil. Why was he watching? Why hadnt he answered the door first time? Why didnt he just press the buzzer and let me come up straight away? Suddenly it hit me like a thunderbolt. He was with a woman. My heart pounding, I rounded the corner, then, keeping flat against the wall, I peered round to check he had gone from the window. No sign of him. I hurried back and assumed a crouching position in the porch next to his, observing his doorway between the pillars in case a woman came out. I waited, crouched in the position for some time. But then I started to think: if a woman did come out, how would I know it was Daniels flat she had come out of and not one of the other flats in the building? What would I do? Challenge her? Make a citizens arrest? Also, what was to stop him leaving the woman in the flat with instructions to stay there until he had had time to get to the pub? I looked at my watch. 6.30. Hah! The pub wasn't open yet. Perfect excuse. Embolded, I hurried back towards the door and pushed the buzzer. Bridget, is that you again? he snapped. The pub isn't open yet. There was silence. Did I hear a voice in the background? In denial, I told myself he was just laundering money or dealing in drugs. He was probably trying to hide polythene bags full of cocaine under the floorboards helped by some smooth South American men with ponytails. Let me in, I said. I told you, Im on the phone.' Let me in.' What? He was playing for time I could tell. Press the buzzer, Daniel, I said. Isn't it funny how you can detect someones presence, even though you cant see, hear or otherwise discern them? Oh of course Id checked the cupboards on the way up the stairs and there was no one in any of them. But I knew there was a woman in Daniels house. Maybe it was a slight smell . . . something about the way Daniel was behaving. Whatever it was, I just knew. We stood there warily at opposite sides of the sitting room. I was just desperate to start running around opening and doing all the cupboards like my mother and ringing 1471 to see if there was a number stored from America. What have you got on? he said. I had forgotten about Janines outfit in the excitement. A bridesmaids dress, I said, haughtily. Would you like a drink? said Daniel. I thought fast. I needed to get him into the kitchen so I could go through all the cupboards. A cup of tea, please.' Are you all right? he said. Yes! Fine! I trilled. Marvelous time at the party. Only one dressed as a tart, had to put on a bridesmaid dress, Mark Darcy was there with Natasha, thats a nice shirt your wearing . . . I stopped, out of breath, realizing I had turned (there was no was turning about it) into my mother. He looked at me for a moment, then set off into the kitchen at which I quickly leapt across the room to look behind the sofa and the curtains. What are you doing?' Daniel was standing in the doorway- Nothing, nothing. Just thought I might have left a skirt of mine behind the sofa, I said, wildly plumping up the cushions as if I were in a French farce. He looked suspicious and headed off to the kitchen again. Deciding there was no time to dial 1471, I quickly checked the cupboard where he keeps the duvet for the sofabed — no human habitation — then followed him to the kitchen, pulling open the door of the hall cupboard as I passed at which the ironing board fell out, followed by a cardboard box full of old 45s which slithered out all over the floor. What are you doing? said Daniel mildly again, coming out of the kitchen. Sorry, just caught the door with my sleeve, I said. just on my way to the loo.' Daniel was staring at me as if I was mad, so I couldn't go and check the bedroom. Instead I locked the loo door and started frantically looking around for things. I wasn't exactly sure what, but long blonde hair, tissues with lipstick marks on , alien hairbrushes — any of these would have been a sign. Nothing. Next I quietly unlocked the door, looked both ways, slipped along the corridor, pushed open the door of Daniels bedroom and nearly jumped out of my skin. There was someone in the room. Bridge. It was Daniel, defensively holding a pair of jeans in front of him. What are you doing in here?' I heard you come in here so . . . I thought . . . It was secret assignment, I said, approaching him in what would have been a sexy way were it not for the floral sprig dress. I leaned my head on his chest and put my arms around him, trying to smell his shirt for perfume traces and get a good look at the bed, which was unmade as usual. Mmmm, you've still got the bunny girl outfit on underground, haven't you? he said, starting to unzip the bridesmaid dress and pressing against me in a way which made his intentions very clear. I suddenly thought this might be a trick and he was going to seduce me while the woman slipped out unnoticed. Oooh, the kettle must be boiling, said Daniel suddenly, zipping my dress up again and patting me reassuringly in a way that was most unlike him. Usually once he gets going he will see things through to their logical conclusion come earthquake, tidal wave or naked pictures of Virginia Bot-tomley on the television. Ooh yes, better make that cuppa, I said, thinking it would give me a chance to get a good look round the bedroom and scout the study. After you, said Daniel, pushing me out and shutting the door so I had to walk ahead of him back into the kitchen. As I did so I suddenly caught sight of the door that led up to the roof terrace. Shall we go and sit down? said Daniel. That was where she was, she was on the bloody roof. Whats the matter with you? he said as I stared at the door suspiciously. No-thing, I sing-songed gaily, flopping into the sitting room. Just a little tired from the party.' I flung myself insouciantly on to the sofa, wondering whether to streak faster than the speed of light down to the study as the final place she might be or just go hell for leather for the roof I figured if she wasn't on the roof it meant she must be in the study in the bedroom wardrobe, or under the bed. If we then went up on the roof she would be able to escape. But if that was the case, surely Daniel would have suggested going up on the roof much sooner. He brought me a cup of tea and sat down at his laptop, which was open and turned on. Only then did I start to think that maybe there was no woman. There was a document up on the screen — maybe he really had been working and on the phone to America. And I was making a complete prat of myself behaving like a madwoman. Are you sure everythings all right, Bridge?' Fine, yes. Why?' Well, coming round unannounced like this dressed as a rabbit disguised as a bridesmaid and burrowing into all the rooms in a strange way. Not meaning to pry or anything, I just wondered if there was an explanation, thats all.' I felt a complete fool. It was bloody Mark Darcy trying to wreck my relationship by sowing suspicions in my mind. Poor Daniel, it was so unfair to doubt him in this way, because of the word of some aggressive, ill-tempered, topflight human-rights lawyer. Then I heard a scraping noise on the roof above us. I think maybe Im just a bit hot I said, watching Daniel carefully. I think maybe Ill go and sit on the roof for a while.' For Gods sake, will you sit still for two minutes! he yelled, moving to bar my path, but I was too quick for him. I dodged past, opened the door, ran up the stairs and opened the hatch out into the sunlight. There, spread out on a sunlounger, was a bronzed, long-limbed, blonde-haired stark-naked woman. I stood there frozen to the spot, feeling like an enormous pudding in the bridesmaid dress. The woman raised her head, lifted her sunglasses and looked at me with one eye closed. I heard Daniel coming up the stairs behind me. Honey, said the woman, in an American accent, looking over my head at him. I thought you said she was thin.'