Chapter 22 tears of blood

one After wandering in a foreign land for ten years, almost my personality has changed.Or during the summer vacation, or when I was sick, I often went back to China to live for a while, but my simple mind could not understand the complicated and dark Chinese society. One year in autumn, when the summer heat had just receded, thin white clouds floated in the clear sky from time to time, and the sound of cicadas in the green forests on both sides of the Qiantang River, in the middle of a clear day, when the day was fading away, I heard it again. He fell ill and returned to his hometown.At that time, various sports were popular, and the news magazines were full of discussions every day.As soon as I got home, many young students came to ask me for my opinion, and they seemed to regard me as a new person. I saw their enthusiastic attitude, but I liked it very much, but As soon as I heard them ask about my words, I had to stay.They asked, "What doctrine do you advocate?"

After hearing the opening sentence, I felt unable to answer, so I just took a puff of cigarette, spit out the green smoke, pointed at the circle of green smoke with my mouth, and replied with a smile: "This is my doctrine." They laughed for a while, and asked again: "What do you think of communism?" I also felt unable to answer, so I took a cigarette from the three-fort can and asked the questioner to smoke; he lit the fire, and asked me about the answer to the previous question.I smiled again and said: "I've already answered you. Don't you understand?"

"What are you talking about! You haven't spoken since I asked you." I pointed to the cigarette in his hand and said: "Who gave this to you?" "is yours." "Isn't this communism?" He and everyone laughed again.I gossip with them and see their tender and fair faces—because they are all elementary school students—I feel very happy, so I always invite them to eat with me.But they all seemed a little dissatisfied, because I couldn't introduce to them the doctrine that was popular in Japanese magazines at that time. One night, the south wind was blowing, and it was a bit cool, but because it was still the middle of July, I couldn’t go to bed immediately after dinner. My grandmother and I sat in the patio to watch the autumn stars in the blue sky and the faint Tianhe.My mother reproached me quietly and said:

"You have lived in a foreign country for such a long time. What did you study there? Look at Li Zhixiong, our neighbor to the east. He is five years younger than you. He doesn't go abroad. He only lived in Hangzhou Middle School for two years. Many well-known people often come to tell us about their doctrines. Wasn’t he invited to go this summer because he was able to speak about those doctrines? His father also told me yesterday that he would Earn more than fifty dollars." When I heard this passage, I also felt very sad.Because I can only ask my dry mother for money to spend, but I can't do those glorious things at all, such as advocating a kind of doctrine, and I have never done speeches in news magazines, so I No one in my hometown knew me, and no one of my classmates remembered me. Now I trust my mother very much, and they also doubt me.I watched the dark blue sky, thinking about the date and route of my next trip to Japan. My mother seemed to suspect that I was sad, so she said softly:

"Da! Do you want a cake? I asked the store to make half a cage today. I haven't told you yet!" I really couldn’t eat anything at that time, but if I refused, my mother would pity me and blame her for being too strong, so I said to her: "I want to eat." When she went to get the cake, I was still staring blankly at the autumn sky, and I saw a star flying. two In the autumn of the second year, I went back to my elder brother's house in Beijing to live for three months.At that time, one of my fellow countrymen was studying in college.One day, I met two classmates from my hometown in Apartment S. They asked my name, and each of them gave me a business card: one surnamed Chen was a beautiful boy of eighteen or nineteen years old, The name on his business card is engraved with four lines of small characters: Jilt socialist, deputy head of the consumer cooperation group, secretary of the university eloquent society, and economics student; a man surnamed Hu is from Jiangxi, about 30 years old. He had a dark complexion and a very thick body. His business card only had the two titles of humanitarian and university liberal arts student engraved.

They asked me right away: "What is the doctrine under one step?" I didn't dare to answer because I saw that they seemed to be very assertive, so I just smiled and said: "I'm still studying, and I haven't studied the pros and cons of various doctrines, so now I can't say which doctrine I agree with and which doctrine I oppose." Hu Jun from Jiangxi said to me seriously: "Then how do you make it! You should know that it is the most embarrassing thing for Chinese scholars nowadays if they don't have any doctrines. Almost all of our classmates have doctrines. If you don't take me as a subterfuge, I will replace them." Please introduce a doctrine. Now there is a cosmopolitanism. This doctrine has not been in China for a long time, if you follow it, it will be beneficial in the future.”

The handsome young Chen Jun laughed and blamed Hu, saying: "The doctrine must be chosen by oneself. Generally, when we choose a doctrine, we must carefully study our environment and future interests. When the investigation is not thorough, sometimes you think that this doctrine will definitely become popular. Use it. Later, when the situation changes, you have to suffer from that doctrine. So at that time, if you choose that doctrine yourself, it will be the same as eating Coptis chinensis if you are dumb. If you choose, then you have to complain about the person who persuaded you to choose. So generational selectivism is very dangerous."

After listening to Chen Jun's words, I was very impressed, thinking that such a young person could speak such mature words.I stayed there for a while, and I felt like it and sad at the same time.What I like is that there are such educated and knowledgeable young people in China now; when I think of my own family, I can't help but feel a great sadness: "I have been in a foreign library for six or seven years like I was in prison. What kind of knowledge do I have now?" I was sitting there blankly looking at Chen Jun's red and white face, when a hunchbacked young man came in at the door.His complexion was as green as a vegetable leaf, and his thin and short stature made it hard to tell his age.A pair of iron-rimmed short-sighted glasses hung on his green and yellow face.It is probably a strange habit of his. When looking at people, whenever he does not look straight at him or squints his eyes, he jumps his eyes out of the circle of his thin and black glasses to peek.When he gave me such a look, I felt a jump in my chest, because his eyes outside the spectacles seemed to say:

"Aren't you a young man without doctrine? That's so pitiful!" After my fellow countryman introduced us, he squinted at me again, and then took out a business card from his blue-gray long gown.I took it over and took a look, and there were words "Jiang Tao, lead singer of the Art of Life, Zhejiang" written on it. When I saw the word Zhejiang, I felt a kind of affectionate nostalgia, so I asked him: "Mr. Jiang also studied in the liberal arts at the university?" He squinted at me again, and said in his guttural voice like a meow: "Yes, yes, our new Chinese literature is too bad. Did you see an article I published in the "Morning News" today? Now we must talk about the art of life. We must express sympathy with the working people and the poor. They Westerners are advocating the literature of the fourth class. If we don’t advocate the literature of the fifth and sixth classes, how can we catch up with them? Besides, the young people in China are now demanding literature with blood and tears. If we don’t Advocating the art of life, I am afraid that ordinary young people will scold us."

When Mr. Jiang spoke up to this point, Mr. Hu blinded his eyes, became angry, amplified his bell-like voice and scolded: "Jiang Tao, your art of life originally belonged to my humanitarianism. The art of life is the end of humanitarianism revealed in art. When you talk, you never mention your father and grandfather of doctrine, and you only focus on those small issues. I am very opposed to the argument above, and you shouldn’t just engrave the words “art of life” on your business card, because the art of life has not yet become a kind of doctrine, do you know? No matter what you do, you must engrave You can't be a humanitarian, you should correct it immediately!"

Mr. Hu Jun and Jiang argued for two hours, but they still hadn't resolved it. I saw that the sun had already set, and if I stayed a little longer, I was afraid that it would be cold on the road, so I left alone.When I walked to the door, I heard the voices of the dispute in the room getting louder. I was very timid and very peace-loving, but as I walked home on the dusty street at dusk, I was in my heart. prayed and said: "Respectable and lovely fighters of doctrine, I hope you can maintain peace, respect personality, and not fight each other." three When I went back to my elder brother's house, I saw my elder brother playing with his nephew Huzi and niece Dingzi in the upper hall.The soft light of a foreign lamp is in harmony with the air of this middle-class family, melting and densely shining on the smiling faces of brothers, nephews and nieces.Afraid of breaking their happy little world, I approached my sister-in-law who was sitting under the lamp and playing the piano.When my sister-in-law saw me, she stopped and asked me: "Where did you go for the rest of the day?" "I went to Apartment S once." "Why did you talk for so long?" "Because two college students were arguing about the scope of doctrine, I couldn't get away for a while." When my sister-in-law asked the cook to serve the meal, I was still thinking blankly: "Why am I so stupid? After more than ten years of reading dead books, I haven't found a thorough doctrine. Forget it, people like me probably don't fit in with Chinese society." In September of this year, because I watched the moon in the deserted Old Summer Palace and slept in the open for one night, I caught cold and suffered a serious illness. "There is a record that says: "Among the government-funded overseas students who are going abroad this autumn, Hu Jun and Chen Jun, students from XX University, should be the best. Hu Jun advocates humanitarianism, and his career speeches have long been admired by us. This time, he was selected by President T. Sponsoring official fees to study in the United States will surely achieve a lot in the future. Chen Jun is young and high-spirited, and has a lot of experience in economics. In the future, he will return to China after studying, and he will definitely be able to reform our economy and society." This happened three years ago, and today, three years later, I still don’t hear where Hu Chen Erjun is. Thinking about it, the two of them are probably always studying the latest and best doctrines in the United States. As I approach middle age, my youthful dreams had to be shattered layer by layer by the real world. My wandering life in a foreign land also came to an end in July this year.I held a diploma from a foreign university in my hand, and when I returned to Shanghai, the first person who greeted me was the pick-up person from the hotel who caught up with the third-class cabin of the ship. ——After declining, I took a broken leather bag, and when I walked to the white-hot road outside the customs office, a group of ferocious rickshaw drivers made a welcome noise for me.I was wearing an old suit made of Hong Kong cloth, and I was holding a leather bag. I felt a little dizzy when I was exposed to the sun's rays; Cerebral anemia suddenly broke out.I just felt two piles of mountain-like black shadows flying in front of my eyes, pressing desperately on my head, and I don't know what happened next. In my sleep, I faintly heard a group of noisy people passing by me.I suddenly remembered the plot when I was young.At that time, I was sleeping in my mother's arms. In the middle of the night, my mother woke me up and stuffed a piece of rice flour cake into my mouth. I closed my eyes, chewed the piece of cake a few times, and listened to my mother's confused talk. After a few words, he fell asleep again. I opened my eyes to take a look, and felt that the clothes on my body were very wet.Looking around, I realized that I was still sleeping on the side of the road outside the customs office.There will be no one on the road, and the sun will go down.On the boat on the other side of the Huangpu River, there is still a shadow of the setting sun, reflecting many scenes.I looked around, the broken leather bag was still there.After sitting blankly on the ground for a while, I finally combined the fact that I came back to my homeland from Japan where I lived for a long time, and I was so hungry that I was dying of hunger at one or two o'clock in the afternoon. The coachman's competition thing, figured it out. I then fainted from hunger and weakness.He stood up and looked around, but there was no one there.When I was helpless, I suddenly heard footsteps running behind me.Turning around to look, a rickshaw appeared on the side of Mitsubishi's wharf.There was a Japanese man in western clothes sitting in the car.He got off at the back door of the dock house. I took this bus and stayed in a small hotel on Fourth Avenue. When I opened my broken leather bag to look at it, I felt that my veins were frozen.I planned to use a pack of banknotes in Shanghai, but there was a paper pack left, and someone took it.I searched through the broken leather bag, but couldn't find a note.After dinner, I walked slowly to the shop of a fellow merchant in Shiliupu.After walking under the lights for a long time, I finally arrived at his home. After talking a few gossips, when I asked him to borrow money, he frowned and looked at me silently.At that time, if there was a hole in the ground, I was afraid that I would have already drilled it.He bent his head, thought for a while, took two ocean dollars out of his pocket, and said: "The market is not good now, and our business people are suffering!" Normally, I would have thrown the two dollars in his face and accused him of insulting me, but since I didn't even have money to ride the tram, I had no choice but to take it respectfully. Four I wanted to go back home, but because I had no travel expenses, I had to stay in Shanghai.One night at nine o'clock, I sold an old winter coat, bought a hexagonal small ocean, and ate my fill in a porridge shop. Slowly—because I have been so weak these days, I couldn't walk fast——when I was walking out, I suddenly met the fellow from XX University at the corner of Sanma Road.He called me, but I was startled, because my Hong Kong cloth suit was already extremely dirty, and I was always afraid that people would suspect me of being a pickpocket.I turned my head to look, and I recognized him. Although I blushed for a while and felt very ashamed, I liked him very much in my heart.He said: "Oh, I haven't seen you for two years. You're much older. Are you ill? Where do you live now?" After hearing his two words, my ears turned red again, because my residence is uncertain these days.I didn't have any clothes in my ragged leather bag, so I left it under the Buddha cabinet in a temple on Jing'an Temple Road.During the day, I went to the park of Waibaidu Bridge to watch the Western children play. At night, I walked up and down the most lively places on Simalu and Damalu, and then I chose a quiet and convenient place to sleep for a while.When I wake up in the middle of the night, if I can't sleep anymore, I'll get up and walk around again, and when I'm tired from walking, I'll just choose another place to sleep.With no fixed place like this, I met that wealthy fellow countryman, and he asked me how to answer this question?I mumbled a few words and asked him where he lived.He said: "I'm in Yipinxiang now, and I plan to go to Hangzhou in a week." I walked all the way with him, and I could already see the open space of the racetrack.He invited me to his hotel, and because my foreign clothes were too dirty, I went to the brightly lit Yipinxiang, fearing that I might lose the reputation of my fellow countrymen, so I just said: "It's very hot, we'd better take a walk outside." I wanted to ask him to borrow money several times, but because of the constraints of higher education, I finally felt unable to speak out.In the end, I mustered up the courage to ask him: "How is your second half of the year?" "I already got an errand for 200 yuan in Hangzhou, and I will still be in Hangzhou in the second half of the year. What about you?" "I, I, I am miserable! Not only do I have nowhere to go in the second half of the year, but I don't even have money to eat right now." "Do you know Jiang Tao?" "I don't know." "He is my classmate. He is very wealthy in Shanghai now. The art of life he advocates is very popular now. If you have nothing to do, I will introduce it for you. Go and see him?" He gave me a business card, told me a place name, and instructed me to meet Jiang Tao before six or seven o'clock in the afternoon the next day. The next day I got up early in the morning and ran to the place that my fellow countryman introduced to me.After searching and searching for a long time, I found the house.I carefully looked to the left and right, memorized the nearby geography, and then ran to the outskirts of Beisichuan Road for a walk.After running for five or six hours without a clue, I ate six or seven meat dumplings in a restaurant in the countryside, and then I slowly walked back to the side where Jiang's residence was located.The scorching sun, without a moment's excuses, sprinkled its fiery rays on my body, and my viscera was already dripping with sweat drop by drop.I slowly walked up to the Jiang family's residence. It happened to be half past four. I knocked on the door and went in. A girl of eighteen or nineteen ordered me to sit and wait in the hall.After waiting for more than half an hour, my tiredness of the day suddenly overwhelmed me, and I fell asleep on a long bed.I don't know how long I slept, but I felt someone pushing me to wake up.I opened my eyes and saw a thin and short hunchbacked young man standing in front of me.His habit of looking at people outside the circle of glasses suddenly reminded me of old memories.I stood up respectfully and asked: "Is it Mr. Jiang? We seem to have met before." "I'm Jiang Tao. You may have met me, because I often give speeches everywhere, or you may have seen me when I gave speeches." His guttural voice, like a cat meowing, reminded me of the scene when I met him three years ago in my hometown.I complimented him vaguely for a while, and then told me why I came.Jiang Tao squinted at me again and said: "Nowadays there are too many people in Shanghai and few things to do. Not only are you Oriental students who can't find a job, but there are also many Western students who are idle! Besides, there are many homosexuals who have no place. Because I am also a humanitarian. Therefore, I have to sympathize with you proletarians in terms of doctrine, but according to the current situation, there is no way out. Your fellow countryman is also in a good situation, why don't you go to him?" I narrated the difficult situation at present.He said in a guttural voice like a cat meowing: "If you don't have pocket money, it's not hard to earn some. Can you write novels?" I was so anxious that I had no choice, so I boasted a lot, and replied, "I can do novels." "Then you just write a novel and sell it to me. When you write, you should always have the mood of helping the world." "I'm afraid this can't be done, because I can't help my own family now, how can I think of helping the world." "Facts are facts, and doctrines are doctrines. If you want to sell novels, you must follow the modern trend of thought. It is best for you to describe a laborer, how he suffers, and how he is abused by capitalists. The text must have Blood and tears can move people." I agreed to a few yeses one after another, and then resigned.On the street at sunset, I walked slowly for a while, and suddenly felt a dull pain in my chest, but I couldn't vomit it out.When I walked to the edge of Shanghai-Nanjing Railway Station, my tears couldn't help dripping down.The money I pawned for the coat last night was only two dimes and six or seven copper coins. If I sold the pen and paper, I would have to starve tonight to write a novel. If I went to eat, I have no way to buy paper and pen.After thinking about it for a long time, I took the tram and went to the fellow from Yipinxiang.Because my clothes were too ragged, I was afraid of being dismissed by the waiter, so I deliberately stretched my chest and used all my strength to go to the tent to ask the number of my fellow countryman's house.Because Chinese people worship foreign languages, I asked the accountant in English.After asking the number, I ran up to see that my fellow countryman was not at home.I used English again, asked the waiter to open the door, went in and sat down.After looking around on the table for a while, I couldn't find the paper, so I ordered the waiter to fetch the pen, ink and paper, and put them in front of me.After the waiter went out, I wrote a novel of three or four thousand words in one go.The content is about a rickshaw driver who had a quarrel with the landlord because he lived in a house that looked like a pigsty and the rent had to be increased.When the police came, they said that he was not, and they wanted to send him to the West Prison.He was so angry that he ran to the wine shop alone to get drunk.It was already midnight.He passed out drunk in the middle of the road on Jing'an Temple Road and fell asleep.A car sped over from the east, and cut his forked right foot in two.When he woke up, under the moon, he hugged a bloody and broken right foot and cried bitterly.Because there are blood and tears in this novel, and it is sympathetic to the fourth class, so I took the word "blood and tears" as the title.After I finished writing, my fellow countryman hadn't come back yet. Looking at the clock on the table, it was almost nine o'clock.I suddenly felt very hungry in my stomach, so I took the "Blood and Tears" and walked out alone. I bought a few steamed buns at the stall on Sima Road, and I walked on the tram while eating. Where to stay. When I arrived at Jiang Tao's place, I knocked on his door and handed him the manuscript. I must ask him to read it for me right away.He read it silently under the lamp, squinted at me, and said to me: "Your novel is okay with the doctrine, but the description is not very good. I will give you one yuan." After hearing this, I liked it very much. I took one yuan, thanked a few times, and left. his mansion.Walking on the street for a while, I feel that I have become a novelist.Looking at the piece of silver cake in his hand, his heart skipped a beat.Walking to the front of the Shanghai-Nanjing Railway Station, my feet unknowingly entered a tavern.When I got out of that tavern, the night train from Hangzhou had already arrived.I just feel that the sky and the earth around me are high, and the houses, carriages and horses seem to be spinning there. I am slowly rushing back and forth, while thinking in my heart: "Where are you going to spend the night tonight?" August 4, 1922 in Shanghai (Originally published in "Current Affairs News· Xue Deng" from August 8th to 13th, 1922, according to the first volume of "Duff's Short Stories Collection")