Chapter 3 sacrifice

Words are strange things.To put it differently, almost everyone has some special vocabulary.Only a certain person uses certain words, and the usage is entirely his own; unless you understand the whole person, you can never understand these words.I met Mr. Mao three years ago.I still remember very clearly the first time we met. Because I didn't understand what he said, I listened to his explanation very carefully, so I also remembered the situation incidentally.I don't understand his words, but it's not because he doesn't speak Mandarin.Even if he passed the test of the National Language Promotion Committee, his Mandarin was given a fair score of 80 points.I can hear you very well.But I don’t understand. If he writes a novel in his own words and prints it out beautifully, I must not understand it, unless every sentence has his own annotations.

It was a sunny autumn, the leaves were just turning yellow; the butterflies were still playing with many autumn flowers.This is a special kind of weather: stay indoors, you can’t go to work, and something outside seems to beckon you; come out, there is nothing to do: it makes people feel that it is a pity to work, and it is a pity not to work.I was in such a dilemma, looking at the sky outside the window, I wanted to fly into the blue sky; then I thought, what would I do flying there?Standing up, sitting down again, many times, flying up and down like a little butterfly outside.Qiu Guang made both people and butterflies confused.

In the end, I decided to go out and see a friend, as if I could forgive myself for seeing what a friend was all about.Coming to the street, I haven't decided which friend to go to.The weather gave me an advice.On such a sunny day, of course I went to an open place, so I thought of Guanghui University to find Lao Mei, because the university is outside the city and has a large campus. I knew from downstairs that Lao Mei was in the house: the windows of his room were open, and there were two snow-white towels drying on the window sills.I called him, and he poked his head out immediately, his hair gleaming like a white circle in the sun.He beckoned me to go up, and I jumped up and down the stairs.Not only his room, but the doors and windows everywhere upstairs are open, and patches of sunlight are printed on the floor, which makes people feel very happy.Lao Mei greeted me at the door.He was pulling on the shoes, wearing a short jacket, and looked very comfortable; I think he probably didn't have homework.

"Good weather?!" We both asked at the same time, and at the same time, we both brought out the meaning of praise. There is another person in the room, I don't know him. Lao Mei's hand pulled the thread between me and that person, and we immediately smiled solemnly, then nodded to each other, with our teeth bared, ready to ask "your surname".But Lao Mei said for us: "—Jun; Dr. Mao." We chatted with each other again.I was sitting on Lao Mei's bed; Dr. Mao was standing with his back to the window, leaning towards the door; Lao Mei was sitting on a chair instead; either the two of them knew each other very well, or Lao Mei didn't respect this doctor very much, I think.

While chatting with Lao Mei, I looked at the doctor.There is something special about this person.He was "fully armed" in a western suit, with everything that should be done, such as a handkerchief tucked into the breast pocket, a pin in the tie, a watch chain across the lower part of the waistcoat, shoes with well-polished tips, and so on.But the clothes looked at least three years old, and the soles of the shoes were unnaturally thick, obviously they had been changed.He didn't "wear" a foreign suit, but it was as if he had made a vow for someone to wear the suit for three years; the handkerchief must be placed here, the tie pin must be there, it is a duty, a religious obligation. rules.He doesn't make people feel the foreign taste of wearing a suit, but reminds people of the reluctant strength of a filial son with a stick covered in hemp.

His face was slanted towards the door. It turned out that there was a large mirror on the wall next to the door, and he was looking at it for fun.His face is turned up at both ends, with a hollow in the middle, like a basket of ingots, and his nose seems to be sleeping in a cradle.Because of the terrain—on the slippery slope of Yuanbaochi—the eyes are also obviously very deep, like two small round grooves, with some black water on the bottom of the grooves; the chin is raised upwards, so the lower teeth are particularly outward. It seems that the old and the upper teeth make it impossible for you to come out and for me to get in.

He is not tall, neither fat nor thin, just enough to afford the responsibility suit, but he is not very energetic.On the neck is the head of Yuan Bao, on which a large pile of black hair grows responsibly, and is combed smoothly with over-responsibility. He looked at himself in the mirror, coming and going, and seemed to be able to appreciate his own beauty.But I think he is special.He's facing away from the sun, so the middle of his face is kind of dark because it's very low-lying.As soon as I saw this sunken and dark place, I hurriedly looked out the window, for fear that the sky would suddenly become overcast.The doctor made such fine weather so tiring that people doubted it.This person is awkward.

He didn't seem interested in listening to what the two of us had to say, and at the same time he couldn't bear to go away; very boring, and because of boredom, he paid special attention to himself.He made me think: this person's wearing foreign clothes and living is a kind of responsibility. I don't remember what we were talking about, but he suddenly turned his face, his low-lying eyes closed for a while, as if looking for something in his heart.When he opened his eyes again, he changed his plan just as his mouth was about to smile, and instead sighed softly, probably indicating that he didn't find anything in his heart.His heart may be completely empty. "How, doctor?" Lao Mei's tone showed that he was a little disrespectful to the doctor.

The Doctor doesn't seem to sense this.Taking advantage of the convenience of sighing, he blew: "Pfft!" as if the weather was very hot. "Too great a sacrifice!" he said, throwing himself on a chair, with his feet stretched far out. "Harvard doctor, suffer this foreign crime, hey?" Lao Mei must be happy with the doctor. "Really!" The doctor's voice was almost trembling: "Really! A person shouldn't suffer this! No girlfriend, no movies to watch," he paused for a while, as if he couldn't remember what he still did. What is needed—I wondered at the time, so I said in a word: "Nothing!" Fortunately, his eyes were so hollow, otherwise tears would have been shed; he was really sad.

"What if it's in the United States?" Lao Mei helped out again. "Really! Even in Shanghai: the movies are good, and there are many girlfriends," he stopped again. Apart from women and movies, he probably has nothing on his mind.I think.I tried him: "Dr. Mao, the big dramas in the north are good, you can watch them." He was stunned for a long time before answering: "I heard from foreign friends that Chinese dramas are barbaric!" We're all out of words.I can't sit still.After staying for a long time, I suggested to take a bath; there is a new bathhouse in the city, and it is said that the equipment is very good.I originally asked Lao Mei to go, but I had to say hello to Dr. Mao, he was here, and besides, he was so lonely.

The doctor shook his head: "It's dangerous!" I'm confused again; I've been bathing outside and haven't drowned me once. "Woman massage! How dirty the tub is!" He seemed terrified.I get it: Apart from the United States, he only has Shanghai in his heart. "This place is different from Shanghai," I explained to him. "But where is China more civilized than Shanghai?" He actually smiled this time, a very unpleasant smile - his mouth almost touched his forehead, and his nose was completely sunken. "But Shanghai can't compare to the United States?" Lao Mei was a little deliberately joking. "Really!" The doctor said solemnly again: "every family in the United States has a bathtub, and every hotel in the United States has a bathtub! If you want to wash it, oh, turn on the water: hot or cold, you can do whatever you want; if you want to change the basin, oh - —Put away the stale water, and replace it with a new pot, wow—” He finished speaking in a hurry, every word “wow” was filled with spit stars, as if his mouth was an American tap.Finally, he added a small sentence: "Chinese people are very dirty!" Taking advantage of the doctor's "wow-wow", Lao Mei has already put on her robe and shoes.The doctor went out first and said, "Goodbye."It was very ugly, as if my heart was full of tears.He can't bear us, he's really lonely; but he can't go to the "Chinese" bathhouse, no matter how clean it is! When we went downstairs and walked into the courtyard, I saw the doctor looking at us from a window.The sun slanted on his head, and the shadow of his nose printed a small black patch on his face; his upper body moved slightly back and forth, and the small black spot also moved from length to length.We were almost at the school gate, and when I turned around, he was still standing there; he was fighting against the sun alone, as if he was. On the road, and in the bathhouse, Lao Mei wanted to mention Dr. Mao several times, but I didn't bother.He was a bit disrespectful to the doctor, and I didn't want his opinion to color my impression of that person, although Dr. Mao did not give me a very good impression.I don't quite understand him yet, I just think he's like something half-baked -- he's neither a little hooligan in Shanghai, nor grew up in America: not exactly Chinese, nor quite foreigner.He seems to have no roots.My observation may not be correct, but I don't want Lao Mei to help; I wish I could see him clearly.On the one hand, I think he is awkward; on the other hand, I think he is very interesting-not worth dating, but the kind of interesting that "dragons have nine kinds, each of which is different". Before long, I got my chance.Old Meto, I will be a substitute.Lao Mei is like this: No one knows how he arranges it. Every semester, he has to ask for at least two or three weeks off.This time, according to him, because his eldest nephew had been bitten by a mad dog and had to go home for a few days. Lao Mei handed over the key to me. Although I don't sleep at his place, I rest there and prepare for homework. After two days, I realized that I couldn't rest there and prepare for homework.As soon as I got there, Dr. Mao flew over like a hairy child.This person is lonely.Sometimes there were tears in the corners of his eyes, as if he was crying in the house, and when he heard me coming, he ran over quickly, without even bothering to wipe away the tears.Therefore, I always give him a smile, although he doesn't tell me to settle down and rest for a while. Although it is the season of chrysanthemums, the autumn sunshine in the north is not enough to cause healthy people to sigh and mourn for autumn.Dr. Mao was still so melancholy.As soon as I saw him, I had to look at the sky.He seems to be able to create a state of bitter rain and wind, which can drive out the sunlight in the room. After a few days, I understood his words a little bit.He has this advantage: he can ignore how others startle at him.Whoever loves to be dumbfounded, he said his own.No matter what he says, he wants to convey his mind to each other; when talking to him, I have to imagine: I am a phonograph, and he is also a phonograph;No wonder Lao Mei made fun of the doctor, who can make friends with a phonograph? No matter what he is, I always want to cure his loneliness; young people shouldn't do this. Naturally, I dare not mention bathing and listening to operas anymore.It's time to go out for a walk. "How can you go alone? Really!" The doctor sighed again. "Why can't one go alone?" I asked. "You gotta have fun, right?" he countered. "Ah!" I dare to swear, I have never been so confused. "Go alone!" His eyes, even though they were so sunken, were blazing. "I'm with you, then?" "You're not a woman," he sighed. I just realized it. After a long time, he added another sentence: "Chinese people are too dirty to walk on the street." The road was blocked, so I turned the corner again. "Go to a small restaurant with friends, play tennis; or read some novels alone, practice calligraphy..." I proposed a lot of ways to spend time; with his responsible suit in front of me, I dare not mention it. Things that make more sense. His answer was quite consistent, copying hundreds of sentences in one sentence: Without women, you can do nothing. "Then, let's find a woman!" I saw the formation and attacked. "That's not difficult." "But the sacrifice is too great!" He fired another nonsense. "Huh?" Well, I have a chance to practice blinking; he seems to have led me into a ecstasy. "You have to buy something for her? You have to treat her to a movie or dinner?" He seemed to be judging me. I said in my heart, "I'll take care of you!" "Of course you have to buy it, and of course you have to invite it. This is an American rule, it must be like this. But the Chinese are poor; I, a Ph.D. from Harvard, only get 200 foreign dollars a month--I have to ask for a raise!--How can I save it?" Pay this fee?" He obviously started, and I listened attentively. "If you spend such a sum of money, you can get engaged and get married smoothly. Although the engagement costs a lot of money, why not buy two gold rings? The price of gold is so expensive! Marriage costs a lot of money, and the honeymoon must go elsewhere Let’s play, according to the rules of the United States. You have to arrange things at home: steel wire beds are necessary, foreign bathtubs are necessary, sofas are necessary, pianos are necessary, and carpets are necessary. Hey, Chinese carpets are okay, even Americans Love it too! How much does it cost? It's okay, if you spend a lot of money on things, go to the movies, and she doesn't want you? Isn't money wasted? It happens in America, but America People are rich. Take Harvard as an example, the communication between men and women, just talk about the money for eating ice cream, the Chinese can’t afford it! Look—” I waited for a long time, but he didn't continue. He probably forgot the topic; maybe he was confused by "China". I can't do anything about this person.He had to worry about him. Before Lao Mei came back, I heard some American rules and Chinese barbarism every day.Shanghai is better. Unfortunately, there are still many Chinese people in Shanghai, which lowers Shanghai's status a lot.He was a little afraid of Shanghai: pheasants, robbers, murder and arson, all kinds of dangers, all because of the Chinese—not because of the concessions.The Chinese in his eyes are exactly the same as those in American movies. "You've got to do things in the American spirit, you've got to see things through American eyes!" he kept telling me when he talked about being happy--well, he could smile now and then when he talked about America-- .What is the American spirit?He couldn't simply tell me.He had to tell the facts slowly, for example, there must be a bathtub in the house, a car must be used when going out, there are movie parks everywhere, men have girlfriends, the temperature in the house in winter is above 70, women are beautiful, there must be carpets in the living room... I put all these things together, and I still don't quite understand the American spirit. Lao Mei came back, and I felt a little disappointed: I really hoped to understand Dr. Mao at once, but once Lao Mei came back, I couldn't see him every day.I can't blame Lao Mei for this.Originally, the dog that bit his nephew wasn't crazy, so why wouldn't he come back? I made it clear where to teach my homework, and I asked Lao Mei to have dinner.Just call Dr. Mao.I want to see if he can't enjoy the "Chinese" style of communication, or if he can't bear the money. He won't go.But he declined kindly: "We young people should save some money, why go out to eat, we must have a small family in the future, like in the United States. Steel bed, bathtub, electric stove," said here, he seems to see a The ideal little paradise: a pair of modern-day Adam and Eve whispering under electric lights. "Sofa, the two of you are reading Married Love. It's a real joy, really! Save yourself now..." I didn't wait for him to finish, so I dragged him away.As for the refusal to spend money, he has his plans and purposes, if his words are to be believed; well, let me see if he enjoys a good meal or not. When I got to the restaurant, I realized that he really can't enjoy it!He doesn't order, he doesn't understand Chinese food. "There are many Chinese restaurants in the United States, really. However, Chinese food is unhygienic. Shanghai is good, and it is convenient to eat Western food. Ask your girlfriend to eat Western food, and pour that!" I really wanted to tell him, wouldn't it be nice to change his surname to "Maur" or "Maurice"?But I'm sorry.Lao Mei and I asked for food. When the food came, Dr. Mao really didn't enjoy eating.His hollow face seemed to be dripping water, and he looked at the table in a daze from time to time.Lao Mei joked again: "If there are two or three girlfriends, doctor?" The doctor woke up suddenly: "One man and one woman; too many people won't work. Really. In my own small family, two people stew a chicken to eat, so comfortable! "" And never entertain? "Lao Mei can play dumb with a straight face. "Americans don't make friends indiscriminately like the Chinese. The Chinese are too easy to make friends, and they don't know how to cherish time. No way!" Dr. Mao pointed at his face and taught Lao Mei. Me and Lao Mei are not in the same mood; the doctor is indeed sincere, and he really doesn't like everything about Chinese people-except carpets.He was born in China, the greatest sacrifice, but there is no way to improve it.He can only hate the Chinese, and wants to use all his strength to organize a small American-style family to add some glory to life and China.Of course, I can't believe that the American spirit is what he describes it to be, but what he sees, he believes devoutly, and the bathtub and the sofa are his gods.I also thought that if he was in the United States like he was in China, he probably wouldn't see anything.But he did see American movie parks, and he did see that the Chinese people were not clean, so there was nothing he could do. Therefore, I pay more attention to him.I will never cure his distress, and I don't want to distract myself from it.I want to see what's going on with him. Although I no longer substitute for Lao Mei, I still keep looking for him, so I often see Dr. Mao.Sometimes when Lao Mei was not around, I would sit in Dr. Mao's room. There isn't much in the doctor's room.There was a small bed, and two iron boxes, one large and one small, were placed beside it.A small table, covered with a snow-white tablecloth, and some stationery, all American.There are two chairs, one is for people to sit on, and the other is for always sitting with a typewriter.There is also a rocking chair with a Tuanlong embroidered pillow not sold to foreigners.He rocked on this chair when he had nothing to do, probably because he wanted to shake the time helplessly, and maybe he could achieve that goal faster.There are several foreign books on the windowsill.On the wall is a Harvard class flag and several photos taken in the United States.The most Chinese thing in the room was Dr. Mao himself, though he might not have admitted it. I have been to his house not once, and I have never seen him place a pot of flowers, or post a landscape painting or photo.Sometimes he steals a small flower on campus, just to put it on his suit.This man's ideal is entirely to create an artificial, American-style, warm and clean little family.I can imagine that if this ideal little family is realized one day, he will have to put the curtains, even if the sky outside turns purple, or the sun comes out from the west, he will not spend so much time to take a look.Probably except for himself and his American spirit, nothing in the universe exists. This is also proven in fact.Our conversation was limited to money, foreign clothes, women, marriage, American movies.Sometimes when I mention politics, social conditions, literature and art, and other things that come to my mind or make a fuss, he doesn't answer.However, if these matters had something to do with the United States, he would still be willing to say a few words, but he had another idea.For example, when talking about American politics, he told me a fact: when a congressman in the United States got married, how did the new couple go to a certain chapel in a car, and how many policemen were there to maintain order, because the outside of the church was like a mountain like a sea!As with everything else, politics, art, and whatever else he had in mind, were adjuncts to marriage and the splendor of middle-class culture.As for China, does China still have politics, art, social issues, etc.?He hates Chinese movies the most; Chinese movies are not good, and of course everything else is not.What I am most dissatisfied with about Chinese movies is that men and women don't hug and kiss. Several years of Harvard life gave him a bit of the American spirit, I understand that.What I don't understand is: Isn't he born in China?His family is not Chinese?Didn't he live at least twenty years in China—before going to America?Why are they so ignorant and unconcerned about China? How many times have I tested him, how is his family situation, his experience in studying and working... Humph!His mouth is stronger than a stone!This is strange, he always rushes others to gossip, but he refuses to talk about himself! Having been with him for almost a year, I seem to see a point: this doctor is not as simple as I thought.Even if he is simple, his simplicity must be another.He must have some kind of religious precepts that make him simple yet profound. He didn't relax his mouth, so I had to reassess his appearance.Whenever I asked him about personal matters, I paid attention to his face.He didn't answer my questions, but his face wasn't completely idle.He must not be a bad guy, his face betrayed himself.His profundity has not completely surpassed his simplicity, but he must be profundity.Or this is why Dr. Mao is Dr. Mao; otherwise, what else is there to do.One must have something to hold oneself to.Some people put this thing on their lips forever, and some people bury it in their hearts forever.The methods are different, but the intention is the same.Dr. Mao wanted to tie himself to his heart.He talks about the American spirit and ideal small family, but behind this, there must be the real him behind this "behind". His face seemed particularly sunken when I questioned him.From the deepest point, a bit of darkness emanates, slowly covering the whole face, like a foggy shadow.His eyes were originally low and difficult to see, but now they went deeper, as if they wanted to hide them completely.His teeth that were always squeezed against each other lightly gritted a few times, and the roots of his ears moved a little, as if he was tightly shutting down the things in his heart, lest there would be a little wind.Then, his eyes suddenly shone, and the black shadow on his face gradually rolled up and got into his hair. "Really!" What he said might not have a ten-thousandth relationship with what I asked.He won, and after a long time, he teased me a few times with the corner of his eye.Just imagine that he will be born with an American Ph.D. Although it is a simple way, it is too outrageous.If you can't ask, you have to wait.Anyway, he couldn't keep rocking in that chair and doing nothing else. Time will sift out personnel and affairs.Sure enough, I was waiting for one thing. It's almost summer vacation, I'm going to find Lao Mei.Seeing Lao Mei, I certainly hope to see that symbol of depression.But the Doctor didn't show up. I tilted my head to the outside, "Where's that one?" "I haven't shown up for more than a week," Lao Mei said. "What's wrong?" "According to others, he is going to resign, and I don't know much about it," Lao Mei smiled. "You know, he doesn't discuss personal affairs with others." "What do other people say?" I really asked enthusiastically. "They said he had a three-year contract with the school." "How old are you?" "We don't have a contract, the school only gives us a one-year letter of appointment." "Why is he the only one who has it?" "The American spirit, he won't do it without a contract." Dr. Elephant Hair! Lao Mei went on to say, "They said that his contract was one in Chinese and one in English, although the school was run by the Chinese. The doctor probably didn't trust Chinese characters very much. They said that the contract was signed within three years. You can’t resign, you can’t ask for a salary increase, and you’re not allowed to cut your salary. Both parties sign, the American spirit. However, after working for a year—isn’t it almost summer vacation?—he asked for a salary increase, otherwise, he would die after summer vacation not coming." "Ouch," my mind turned in circles. "What about the contract?" "When the contract is made, it is the American spirit, and when the contract is not kept, it is the Chinese spirit." Lao Mei's mouth is often unkind. But his words hinted at a lot of interesting meanings.Lao Mei may have said this casually, but she was talking about my heart. "What about school?" I asked. "According to them, the school rejected his request; of course, there is a contract." "What about him?" "Who knows! He doesn't tell others about himself. Even if he has any negotiations with the school, he always writes letters. He has a typewriter." "If the school doesn't give him a salary increase, can he quit?" "Didn't I tell you, no one knows!" Lao Mei seemed to look down on me. "He didn't do it because he lost his credibility; but I know for sure that the school won't take the contract to bring a lawsuit against him, who has the time to make trouble." "You don't know the reason why he asked for a salary increase? Heck, I'm a fool!" I automatically withdrew this sentence, but added another sentence: "It seems that someone should persuade him!" "You go; without me!" Lao Mei laughed again. "If you invite him to eat, he won't eat; if you want to drink, he won't drink; if you ask him something, he won't say anything; what he wants to say won't make sense to others; who can advise such a person like a friend?" "You can't say that this gentleman is not very interesting?" "That depends on how you look at it. It's very interesting for pathologists to see crazy people." Lao Mei's tone was wrong, so I listened.After thinking about it, I asked him: "Lao Mei, did the doctor offend you? I know you have always been disrespectful to him, but—" He smiled. "The ears are still there, it's yours! I really hate him recently. All day long, women, women, women, who loves to listen so much!" "That's not the real reason," I added to him.I know Lao Mei's character well: he doesn't admire anyone easily; but if someone really offends him, he doesn't talk to others easily.Originally, his disrespect to the doctor didn't mean much, so he was willing to talk about it casually; now, the doctor must have really offended him, so he didn't want to say it.However, after I asked him this question, he couldn't help it. "Let me tell you," he smiled reluctantly: "One day, the doctor asked me, Mr. Mei, are you also a professor? I just said, the school invited me so, I can't help it. But, he said, you don't Not an American doctor? I said, I am not; how much is an American doctor worth? I asked him. He didn’t say anything, but his face was completely green. It doesn’t matter, since that day, he seems to have remembered me He even wrote a letter to question the principal: Mr. Mei doesn’t have a doctorate, how can he earn the same salary as someone with a doctorate—and it’s in the United States? I don’t know where he found out about my salary.” "The principal is not good either. You shouldn't be allowed to read that letter." "The principal is not so stupid; the doctor also gave me that letter without signature. He probably disdains to be with me." Lao Mei smiled even more unnaturally.Young people are proud. "Huh, maybe that's why he asked for a raise!" I guessed. "I don't know. Shall we talk about something else?" Farewell to Lao Mei, I plan to at least meet with the doctor before school is over in the summer vacation, and maybe I can find out something.By chance, I met him on the street.He walked in a hurry.His eyebrows were wrinkled, and his face was sunken like a spoon.It doesn't look like walking, he seems to want to drive out his grievances. "Where are you going, Doctor?" I called to him. "Go to the post office," he said, taking out his handkerchief -- not the one tucked in his breast pocket -- and mopping his sweat. "It's almost summer vacation, where are you going to rest?" "Really! I heard that Qingdao is very interesting, like a foreign country. Maybe go to have fun. But—" I knew exactly what he was going to say, so I didn't wait for the "but" to be explained next time, so I asked again: "Are you coming back after summer vacation?" "Not necessarily." Or because I was too anxious to ask, he slipped his words a little bit: not necessarily, which naturally implies that he will not come back.He immediately realized this and changed his words: "Not necessarily going to Qingdao." He pretended not to hear my question. "I will definitely go to Shanghai. Watch a few movies happily; working in the north, the sacrifice is too great, and there are no good movies to watch! Go to school and play, so as not to be lonely!" He walked away before he could finish his sentence. As soon as he takes a step, he shows a tendency to run. I don't know who he was referring to when he said "to save loneliness".As for his fate, we have to wait until the summer vacation. As soon as the exam was over, the doctor left without taking everything with him.According to Lao Mei's guess: the doctor must go to other places to find work, and if he succeeds, he will not come back with the Chinese spirit, no matter how many years the contract is for.Come back if you can't find something to show his American spirit.The facts seem to be consistent with this guess: the doctor took away three months' salary.Although we don't want to speculate on people's bad side, his actions really make people unable to think good things at all.After all, it is more secure to get the salary in his hand. He only trusts himself, because he often makes others distrust him. After the summer vacation, I went to substitute for Lao Mei again.The reason for asking for leave this time, probably even Lao Mei himself is not allowed to know, he didn't tell me.Fortunately, he must have me as a substitute, so it doesn't matter if there is a reason or not. Dr. Mao is back. Everyone thought it was strange to come back like this, except the doctor himself.He is very happy.If his distress is unsympathetic, his smiling face seems a little redundant.He was going to use a smile to express the happiness in his heart, but that face didn't give him any strength.He opened his mouth as if about to yawn, and I didn't wake up until I saw that there were no tears in his eyes; he was actually smiling.It doesn't matter if you smile like this or not.He laughed so tightly that it made me a little hairy. "Have you been to Qingdao?" I greeted him.He is standing at the door. "No. There is no life in Qingdao, really!" He laughed. "what?" "Come in, let me show you something precious!" I, like a fool, followed him in. The room is the same as before, except that there is an extra mosquito net on the bed.He reached out and took out something from the mosquito net, covering it behind his back: "Guess!" I am not interested in this. "Would you rather be a southern woman or a northern woman?" His hands were still behind his back.I never answer such questions. Seeing that I was not interested in answering, he brought his hand forward and handed me a photo.Then he squeezed me shoulder to shoulder, the smile lines on his face seemed to be going towards mine; he didn't say anything; A portrait of a woman.It's the easiest way to be fooled by judging a person's beauty or ugliness by taking a picture. I don't want to say what this woman looks like.As far as it can show me, it is young, with complicated and curly perm hair, small face, round chin, and big eyes.Not ugly, all in all. "Engaged, Doctor?" I asked with a smile. The doctor laughed until his brows and eyes were out of place, but he didn't make a sound. I looked at the photo again, feeling very sad in my heart.Of course, I can't judge for her; but, if I were a woman... "The sacrifice is too great!" The doctor said with difficulty: "But it's worth it, really! How smart women are these days, only twenty She is one year old and knows everything, as if she had studied in the United States! The first time we watched a movie, she had to go home no matter what she said, so smart! The second time I watched a movie, I was not allowed to hold her hand, how smart! I bought the movie ticket! I was allowed to kiss her for the last time I saw a movie, really! It’s worth the money, and I don’t have time to spend; when I came, she took me to the station and bought it for me Fruit! Spend some money, it’s worth it, she will always be mine; hunting pheasants is no good, no matter how much money you spend, and it’s dangerous! From today on, I’m going to save money.” I inserted a sentence: “You always Is it too much to spend?" "Ouch!" The eyes on Yuan Bao's bottom poked out. "Why doesn't it cost money! One person, eats, washes clothes. It doesn't cost money! Two people can only spend so much, cook their own meals and wash their own clothes. Husband and wife must help each other." "Then why save money so much?" ?” "Do you want a wire bed? Do you want a bathtub? Do you want a sofa? Do you want a piano? Does marriage cost money? Honeymoon costs money? A family is a family!" The pastor has to send money too!" "Why a priest?" "Solemnly; respectable people in America invite pastors to witness their marriages, really!" He thought about it again: travel expenses!She is from Shanghai; the two of us took a second-class bus from Shanghai to here!China is unacceptable, and there is no way to sit in a third-class car!How much do you want in total?Do the math! He murmured his mouth and pinched his fingers lightly, apparently to settle the account. Probably because he couldn't figure it out for a while, he frowned. Then he laughed again: "It costs as much as it costs!"If you buy a diamond worth 5,000 yuan, isn’t it for wearing it for others to see?Wouldn't it be more honorable for a Southern beauty to come to the North, mine?Really, she is the most beautiful woman in Shanghai; isn't that worth the sacrifice?One has to sacrifice! " I still don't understand what sacrifice is. Substituted for Lao Mei's class for more than a month, and my ears were buzzing with Shanghai, marriage, sacrifice, glory, wire beds... Sometimes I included these in my handouts, and I had to change them; Confused me.I really hope that Lao Mei will come back soon, let me go to quiet for two days.It's interesting to observe human nature, but people are as sticky as rice cakes, which stick to my heart, and sometimes I can't bear it. Lao Mei will be back in five or six days.At this time, the doctor came up with a new trick.He is like a skillful article, just when it is about to tire people, a few beautiful sentences come out. His joy is over.Except for class, he always clapped and typed in the room.After a while of clapping, the door opened, and he slid down the wall like a small fish, and went downstairs to deliver the letter.Go straight, come back straight; walk around the house.As they walked, they sighed loudly, as if they were going to knock down the building so that they could die together.After sighing, he came to me with a bleak smile on his face. “噗！”他一进门先吹口气，好象屋中尽是尘土。然后，“你们真美呀，没有伤心的事！” 他的话老有这么种别致的风格，使人没法答碴儿。好在他会自动的给解释：“没法子活下去，真哪！哭也没用，光阴是不着急的！恨不能飞到上海去！” “一天写几封信？”我问了句。 “一百封也是没用的！我已经告诉她，我要自杀了！这样不是生活，不是！”博士连连摇头。 “好在到年假才还不到三个月。”我安慰着他，“不是年假里结婚吗？” 他没有回答，在屋里走着。待了半天：“就是明天结婚，今天也是难过的！” 我正在找些话说，他忽然象忘了些什么重要的事，一闪似的便跑出去。刚进到他的屋中，拍拉，拍拉，拍，打字机又响起来。 老梅回来了。我在年假前始终没找他去。在新年后，他给我转来一张喜帖。用英文印的。我很替毛博士高兴，目的达到了，以后总该在生命的别方面努力了。 年假后两三个星期了，我去找老梅。谈了几句便又谈到毛博士。 “博士怎样？”我问，“看见博士太太没有？”“谁也没看见她；他是除了上课不出来，连开教务会议也不到。” “咱俩看看去？” 老梅摇了头：“人家不见，同事中有碰过钉子的了。” 这个，引动了我的好奇心。没告诉老梅，我自己要去探险。 毛博士住着五间小平房，院墙是三面矮矮的密松。远远的，我看见院中立着个女的，细条身材，穿着件黑袍，脸朝着阳光。她一动也不动，手直垂着，连蓬松的头发好象都镶在晴冷的空中。我慢慢地走，她始终不动。院门是两株较高的松树，夹着一个绿短棚子。我走到这个小门前了，与她对了脸。她象吓了一跳，看了我一眼，急忙转身进去了。在这极短的时间内，我得了个极清楚的印象：她的脸色青白，两个大眼睛象迷失了的羊的那样悲郁，头发很多很黑，和下边的长黑袍联成一段哀怨。她走得极轻快，好象把一片阳光忽然全留在屋子外边。我没去叫门，慢慢地走回来了。我的心中冷了一下，然后觉得茫然地不自在。到如今我还记得这个黑衣女。 大概多数的男人对于女性是特别显着侠义的。我差不多成了她的义务侦探了。博士是否带她常出去玩玩，譬如看看电影？他的床是否钢丝的？澡盆？沙发？当他跟我闲扯这些的时候，我觉得他毫无男子气。可是由看见她以后，这些无聊的事都在我心中占了重要的地位；自然，这些东西的价值是由她得来的。我钻天觅缝地探听，甚至于贿赂毛家的仆人——他们用着一个女仆。我所探听到的是他们没出去过，没有钢丝床与沙发。他们吃过一回鸡，天天不到九点钟就睡觉…… 我似乎明白些毛博士了。凡是他口中说的——除了他真需要个女人——全是他视为作不到的；所以作不到的原因是他爱钱。他梦想要作个美国人；及至来到钱上，他把中国固有的夫为妻纲又搬出来了。他是个自私自利而好摹仿的猴子。设若他没上过美国，他一定不会这么样，他至少在人情上带出点中国气来。他上过美国，觉着他为中国当个国民是非常冤屈的事。他可以依着自己的方便，在所谓的美国精神装饰下，作出一切。结婚，大概只有早睡觉的意思。 我没敢和老梅提说这个，怕他耻笑我；说真的，我实在替那个黑衣女抱不平。可是，我不敢对他说；他的想象是往往不易往厚道里走的。 春假了，由老梅那里我听来许多人的消息：有的上山去玩，有的到别处去逛，我听不到博士夫妇的。学校里那么多人，好象没人注意他们俩——按一般的道理说，新夫妇是最使人注意的。 我决定去看看他们。 校园里的垂柳已经绿得很有个样儿了。丁香花可是才吐出颜色来。教员们，有的没去旅行，差不多都在院中种花呢。到了博士的房子左近，他正在院中站着。他还是全份武装地穿着洋服，虽然是在假期里。阳光不易到的地方，还是他的脸的中部。隔着松墙我招呼了他一声：“没到别处玩玩去，博士？” “哪里也没有这里好，”他的眼撩了远处一下。“美国人不是讲究旅行么？”我一边说一边往门那里凑。 他没回答我。看着我，他直往后退，显出不欢迎我进去的神气。我老着脸，一劲地前进。他退到屋门，我也离那儿不远了。他笑得极不自然了，牙咬了两下，他说了话：“她病了，改天再招待你呀。” “好吧，”我也笑了笑。 “改天来——”他没说完下半截便进去了。 我出了门，校园中的春天似乎忽然逃走了。我非常不痛快。 又过了十几天，我给博士一个信儿，请他夫妇吃饭。我算计着他们大概可以来；他不交朋友，她总不会也愿永远囚在家中吧？ 到了日期，博士一个人来了。他的眼边很红，象是刚揉了半天的。脸的中部特别显着洼，头上的筋都跳着。 “怎啦，博士？”我好在没请别人，正好和他谈谈。 “妇人，妇人都是坏的！都不懂事！都该杀的！”“和太太吵了嘴？”我问。 “结婚是一种牺牲，真哪！你待她天好，她不懂，不懂！”博士的泪落下来了。 "What's going on?" 博士抽答了半天，才说出三个字来：“她跑了！”他把脑门放在手掌上，哭起来。 我没想安慰他。说我幸灾乐祸也可以，我确是很高兴，替她高兴。 待了半天，博士抬起头来，没顾得擦泪，看着我说：“牺牲太大了！叫我，真！怎样再见人呢？！我是哈佛的博士，我是大学的教授！她一点不给我想想！妇人！”“她为什么走了呢？”我假装皱上眉。 “不晓得。”博士净了下鼻子。“凡是我以为对的，该办的，我都办了。” "For example?" “储金，保险，下课就来家陪她，早睡觉，多了，多了！是我见到的，我都办了；她不了解，她不欣赏！每逢上课去，我必吻一下，还要怎样呢？你说！” 我没的可说，他自己接了下去。他是真憋急了，在学校里他没一个朋友。“妇女是不明白男人的！定婚，结婚，已经花了多少钱，难道她不晓得？结婚必须男女两方面都要牺牲的。我已经牺牲了那么多，她牺牲了什么？到如今，跑了，跑了！”博士立起来，手插在裤袋里，眉毛拧着：“跑了！”“怎办呢？”我随便问了句。 “没女人我是活不下去的！”他并没看我，眼看着他的领带。“活不了！” “找她去？” “当然！她是我的！跑到天边，没我，她是个'黑'人！她是我的，那个小家庭是我的，她必得老跟着我！”他又坐下了，又用手托住脑门。 “假如她和你离婚呢？” “凭什么呢？难道她不知道我爱她吗？不知道那些钱都是为她花了吗？就没一点良心吗？离婚？我没有过错！”“那是真的。”我自己知道这是什么意思。 他抬头看了我一眼，气好象消了些，舐了舐嘴唇，叹了口气：“真哪，我一见她脸上有些发白，第二天就多给她一个鸡子儿吃！我算尽到了心！”他又不言语了，呆呆的看着皮鞋尖。 “你知道她上哪儿了？” 博士摇了摇头。又坐了会儿，他要走。我留他吃饭，他又摇头：“我回去，也许她还回来。我要是她，我一定回来。她大概是要回来的。我回去看看。我永远爱她，不管她待我怎样。”他的泪又要落下来，勉强地笑了笑，抓起帽子就往外走。 这时候，我有点可怜他了。从一种意义上说，他的确是个牺牲者——可是不能怨她。 过了两天，我找他去，他没拒绝我进去。 屋里安设得很简单，除了他原有的那份家具，只添上了两把藤椅，一张长桌，桌上摆着他那几本洋书。这是书房兼客厅；西边有个小门，通到另一间去，挂着个洋花布单帘子。窗上都挡着绿布帘，光线不十分足。地板上铺着一领厚花席子。屋里的气味很象个欧化了的日本家庭，可是没有那些灵巧的小装饰。 我坐在藤椅上，他还坐那把摇椅，脸对着花布帘子。我们俩当然没有别的可谈。他先说了话：“我想她会回来，到如今竟自没消息，好狠心！”说着，他忽然一挺身，象是要立起来，可是极失望地又缩下身去。原来这个花布帘被一股风吹得微微一动。 这个人已经有点中了病！我心中很难过了。可是，我一想结婚刚三个多月，她就逃走，想必她是真受不住了；想必她也看出来，这个人是无希望改造的。三个月的监狱生活是满可以使人铤而走险的。况且，夫妇的生活，有时候能使人一天也受不住的——由这种生活而起的厌恶比毒药还厉害。我由博士的气色和早睡的习惯已猜到一点，现在我要由他口中证实了。我和他谈一些严肃的话之后便换换方向，谈些不便给多于两个人听的。他也很喜欢谈这个，虽然更使他伤心。 他把这种事叫“爱”。他很“爱”她。他还有个理论：“因为我们用脑子，所以我们懂得怎样'爱'，下等人不懂！” 我心里说，“要不然她怎么会跑了呢！” 他告诉我许多这种经验，可是临完更使他悲伤——没有女人是活不下去的！我去了几次，慢慢地算是明白了他一点：对于女人，他只管“爱”，而结婚与家庭设备的花费是“爱”的代价。这个代价假如轻一点，“博士”会给增补上所欠的分量。“一个美国博士，你晓得，在女人心中是占分量的。”他说，附带着告诉我：“你想要个美的，大学毕业的，年青的，品行端正的女人，先去得个博士，真哪！” 他的气色一天不如一天了。对那个花布帘，他越发注意了；说着说着话，他能忽然立起来，走过去，掀一掀它。而后回来，坐下，不言语好大半天。他的脸比绿窗绿得暗一些。 可是他始终没要找她去，虽然嘴里常这么说。我以为即使他怕花了钱而找不到她，也应当走一走，或至少是请几天假。为什么他不躲几天，而照常的上课，虽然是带着眼泪？后来我才明白：他要大家同情他，因为他的说法是这样：“嫁给任何人，就属于任何人，况且嫁的是博士？从博士怀中逃走，不要脸，没有人味！”他不能亲自追她去。但是他需要她，他要“爱”。他希望她回来，因为他不能白花了那些钱。这个，尊严与“爱”，牺牲与耻辱，使他进退两难，啼笑皆非，一天不定掀多少次那个花布帘。他甚至于后悔没娶个美国女人了，中国女人是不懂事，不懂美国精神的！ 木槿花一开，就快放暑假了。毛博士已经几天没有出屋子。据老梅说，博士前几天还上课，可是在课堂上只讲他自己的事，所以学校请他休息几天。 我又去看他，他还穿着洋服在椅子上摇呢，可是脸已不象样儿了，最洼的那一部分已经象陷进去的坑，眼睛不大爱动了，可是他还在那儿坐着。我劝他到医院去，他摇头：“她回来，我就好了；她不回来，我有什么法儿呢？”他很坚决，似乎他的命不是自己的。“再说，”他喘了半天气才说出来：“我已经天天喝牛肉汤；不是我要喝，是为等着她；牺牲，她跑了我还得为她牺牲！” 我实在找不到话说了。这个人几乎是可佩服的了。待了半天，他的眼忽然亮了，抓住椅子扶手，直起胸来，耳朵侧着，“听！她回来了！是她！”他要立起来，可是只弄得椅子前后的摇了几下，他起不来。 外边并没有人。他倒了下去，闭上了眼，还喘着说：“她——也——许——明天来。她是——我——的！”暑假中，学校给他家里打了电报，来了人，把他接回去。以后，没有人得到过他的信。有的人说，到现在他还在疯人院里呢。