Chapter 14 Chapter 11 There is love in heaven and I want to live

When I saw this letter, my family had already brought me back to China Medical University in Shenyang. Several professors from the University of Medical Sciences planned the surgery on November 11 after consulting with me about my injuries. My mother found the broken notebook and this letter from the luggage that my brother brought back. When I finished reading the letter, I held the CD and necklace left by Haitao in my hand, and tears fell. I am very sensitive to words. Although Haitao never mentioned the injuries of the stragglers in the letter, I still felt Haitao's heartache and helplessness from the two sentences in the letter:

"You said stragglers, you, I got together because of fate, but it's a pity that the development of things was unexpected." "Here is also a disc with photos taken by the stragglers in those days. It's a pity that he only took photos for us, and there are no photos of himself in it." Why did Haitao say that the development of the matter was unexpected, and why there were no photos of stragglers in the CD was a pity.Could it be that there is something wrong with the stragglers.I panicked, and an ominous cloud enveloped me.Crazy, I asked my mother to bring the mobile phone, and called Chen with trembling hands, asking if she would help me to see the stragglers. When I returned from Shenyang, she promised me to contact the stragglers’ families when I returned to Guiyang and let me know. Skirmishers contacted me.

"Mocha, I'm sorry. I just came back from Beijing a few days ago. It's hard to find their house. I lost his uncle's phone. Can you wait a few more days?" Chen said apologetically on the phone . "Hmm~" Before I put down the phone, I didn't say anything. I already knew that Chen was lying to me. She never asked me the address of the skirmisher's house, so how could she know that his house was hard to find. "Haitao, tell me what's going on with him?" When I called Haitao again, I tried to keep my tone as calm as possible, so as not to let him feel my sadness and fear.

"Him? Didn't he go back to Luoyang with his uncle?" Haitao, who had already returned to Australia, didn't expect that I would call him suddenly to ask about the whereabouts of the stragglers. Live flustered. My heart began to sink like a stone in deep water, sinking, sinking again.Haitao didn't know that when he answered me, he was flustered and said the wrong hometown of the stragglers, which was Guiyang instead of Luoyang. Lying on the hospital bed and crying, I silently sent a short message to Xiaoou: "Little Ou, please, please tell me where the straggler is and what happened to him?"

Xiaoou didn't reply for a long time, so I had to send it again. "Xiaoou, let's be friends, please tell me the truth no matter what?" Ten minutes later, Xiaoou finally answered. "Mocha, we are all adults, don't we have to face some things with courage? We all believe that you are strong." "The straggler is dead, isn't it?" I typed the text message but never had the courage to send it. When I typed that word, my heart was completely broken. Looking at the ceiling, tears fell silently. I held back and covered my face with the quilt, so that my parents would not see the eyes full of tears. But the more I held back, the more I couldn't hold it back. After a few minutes, I finally burst into tears stand up.

"What's the matter, what's the matter, is it that I shouldn't show her the letter, I did something wrong?" Mom rushed over in a hurry. Growing up, I was a person who didn't like to cry.From the car accident to Lhasa’s discharge from the hospital, from Lhasa to Chengdu, from Chengdu to Shenyang, along the way, he was carried around on a stretcher, with broken bones, scars, soreness, huge pain, and piercing pain. Never cried out, nor shed a single tear. The first time I saw me crying like this, my mother panicked. "What's the matter, what's the matter." Dad was also frightened by me when he came in.

"He's dead, Mom, he's dead." I couldn't hold back my crying anymore, and all the sadness burst out at that moment. "Who? Who are you talking about? Who died?" Mom didn't hear me clearly, she found some tissues and began to wipe my tears.But how could a few thin tissue papers hold back the tears that poured out of me like a spring, I just cried bitterly like that, I have endured these tears for too long. "The straggler, the straggler in Guiyang died in a car accident." I cried and grabbed my chest and told my mother that I was in pain. "Who told you?" Dad's face changed. Judging from his expression, all this is true. He thought that everyone's confidentiality work has been done very well, but unexpectedly I found out.

"Liar, you are all liars, you all knew he was dead, and you just didn't tell me, did you? I hate you, you are all liars!" I couldn't control my emotions, I hated each of them, they Concealed the death of stragglers.Let me naively believe that the straggler is really just a minor injury, I am still waiting for the day he will show up in my ward with flowers in his hand, no more, everything is just imagination, gone forever, the straggler will never come back , he has disappeared from this world forever. "Don't cry anymore. You will have surgery in a few days. Your body recovered after a long time. If you keep crying like this, how can you do surgery?" Mom also cried. She didn't know about the stragglers, but she felt sorry for her daughter. She had never seen such a distraught daughter.

"I don't have surgery anymore, and I don't go into the operating room anymore. Everything is meaningless to me." I lay on the bed and muttered to myself. "I don't want to have surgery anymore? I can't believe it came out of your mouth. Your brother, your uncle, your friends and professors from the hospital, think about all the troubles everyone has gone through for What, you are really good, think about it for yourself." Dad dropped these words and walked out of the ward angrily. At this time, the ward was full of doctors and nurses who ran in when they heard my cry.

"Get out, please go out." I am no longer the Mocha who smiles at them every day. Today, the sad Mocha issued an order to evict them. I hate them, hate each of them, I just want to face it quietly The death of skirmishers. "Mom, why did this happen? Why did God treat me like this? I finally fell in love with someone, and he died like this." Everyone left, and I asked my mother with tears, why when I believed in love again, I approached When I was in love, God gave me such an ending. "Tell mom, are you in love with him?" Mom asked me. "Yes, I fell in love with him, I fell in love with him, but he died, mother, he died, God was too cruel to me, so unfair, so unfair." I was still crying on the pillow and was hugged by my mother In her arms, she stopped talking and melted her daughter's sorrow with a mother's love and hug.

In the middle of the night, I was still crying in the quilt.The love poem that the stragglers recited to me on the last night echoed in my mind over and over again: "In that month, I shook all the sutra barrels, not for exaltation, just to touch your fingertips; On the mountain road, it was not for seeing you, but just to be close to your warmth; in that life, I went to the mountain, not to cultivate the next life, but to meet you on the way.” Turn on the mobile phone, find the number of the straggler, call it, the phone is turned off, I started to lie under the quilt and send messages to the stragglers: "Do you believe in reincarnation? I do, so I firmly believe that I will meet you again in the next life. But how long will I have to wait before I meet you again, and even if I do, will you remember me and our agreement in this life." the next day: "You said, if I like Shanghai, I will go to Pudong to find you, if I like Shenzhen, you will come to the Special Economic Zone to find me, but before I tell you where I like, you go to heaven, I can't find the way to heaven, So it is destined not to find you." third day: "Scatterers, I'm seriously injured and wake up every night with pain, are you watching me in heaven?" fourth day: "I still don't know where you are buried, Shanghai or Guiyang, I want to stand up again, and I want to see you." fifth day: "I was wheeled into the operating room, and my relatives and family members were standing outside the operating room. I will come to see you soon." Nine and a half hours later, when I was wheeled from the operating room, my loved ones ran to the bathroom to cry. On the night of the operation, after I woke up, the doctor brought an emergency anesthesia kit and said that if the pain was unbearable in the middle of the night, I could press it to relieve the pain. In the middle of the night, I asked my mother to take the medicine kit away. The limit, but what about the pain in my heart?Skirmisher, how not to hurt, you teach me... Often in the middle of the night, I was so tormented by the pain in my legs that I couldn't sleep, and then I looked at the ceiling. Although I blinked like in daylight, the ward was completely dark, and there was no difference between the darkness when I opened and closed my eyes.The operation was successful, and both legs have been fitted with intraosseous needles. I thought that the injury at the bottom of my heart would gradually become lighter or better with the leg bones, but I was wrong. I don’t know when I can stand up and walk again. I don't know when that heart will stop hurting. A writer once said: The will to love in life is more powerful than the injury of life. When life is injured, I can choose to live with the support of love, but if both my life and love are injured, then the support of my life What is it, I am not a dull person, but I can't figure it out. My mother always gets up quietly at this time, walks to me lightly, and asks me after confirming that I am awake: "Do you want to turn on the light?" I didn't speak, just stared at the ceiling. My mother asked again: "Does your leg hurt again?" I was still speechless, so my mother touched the bedside in the dark, touched the chair, then sat down, touched my injured leg along my heel, and began to gently massage Massage, she knows it can help me relieve the pain in my body. My mother was stronger than I imagined. When the plane landed at Shenyang Taoxian Airport, my mother struggled to get rid of other people's support, and threw herself to my side to greet me with her warm and tolerant smile. "It's good to be back, it's good to be back, I know your father and uncle will definitely bring you back." Tears fell straight away. When many relatives left, my mother and aunt in the ward wiped my face and arms from left to right.Pots of sewage were replaced one after another, and my aunt and mother kept talking to make me happy. I looked at my mother and my aunt who treated me like my own daughter, and felt a kind of happiness of returning home.It's just that I didn't know how many unknown tears were hidden behind my mother's seemingly relaxed appearance. Just the day before I came back, my mother sold the house where I lived for more than 20 years with tears in my eyes, just to be able to There is enough money to save me. I live in the single ward with the best conditions in the Affiliated Hospital of Shenyang University of Medical Sciences. My uncle was right in his promise. He found me the best hospital, the best doctor, including the best ward, and my parents. They are the best caregivers.The room is very quiet. I have been in this state of life for half a month. I am lethargic, on drips, my father feeds me, and my mother massages me.I am used to seeing the doctors who make ward rounds on time at eight o'clock in the morning every day. The doctors never ask me how I am, and I am used to my silence, so I often ask my parents the question. The old man became my spokesperson. I often think, but I can't figure it out, can't figure it out, and can't figure it out. The skirmisher called my name when the accident happened, so what did he say to me next?How can I not remember?I remember that in the face of danger, he called me three times. The first time he was wrong, he said, "Mocha, if they attack me later, you must remember to run out first and leave me alone. "The second time on the broken bridge, he said, "Mocha, don't dawdle, I leave you to go." But the third time, I only remember the beginning of what he said - "Mocha...", it was his words Didn't finish?Or do I pass out when he talks?In this way, the last words he wanted to leave to me became an eternal mystery, words that never ended. I can't lie on my side, turn over, or sit up. All I can do is lie on the bed motionless. Whenever my legs hurt, the shadow of the straggler appears in my mind. I said, "Mocha, be strong, I'm watching you from heaven. You must stand up and come see me." "I must stand up to see you!" The tears have been shed, and what is left is the remaining belief in love.Without this belief, I will never stand up that day. On the third day after the operation, I finally couldn't help asking my father to pick up a pen and paper. I dictated and asked my father to write for me a story "The Past and Present of a Fairy". I wrote it with my heart, but I didn't know how to finish it. Does the text conform to the idea of ​​the scattered soldiers at the bank of Yamdrok Yongcuo at that time. I am grateful to God. On the day the stragglers were cremated in Lhasa, I was still wandering around the gate of hell. Maybe God took pity on me and didn't want me to face this sudden separation with open eyes.If I faced his death with my own eyes, I think I would cry until I passed out, distraught, and suddenly thought of these four words, I knew that if I watched the corpse of the straggler being pushed to be cremated, my heart must be Grief-stricken, now I finally understand that there is another word in this world that can express pain besides heart-piercing and grief-stricken, and that is parting from life and death. "Haitao, do you know where he is buried?" When I spoke to Haitao again, I had completed the operation and after more than a month of initial recovery, I was taken home by my parents. "I just want to know where he is buried." I deliberately relaxed my tone so as not to put pressure on Haitao. "It was cremated in Lhasa, and the ashes were brought back to Guiyang by his uncle." Haitao told me that when we returned to Chengdu from Lhasa, we took the same plane with the straggler and his relatives. "When I can stand up, I will go to Guiyang to see him." When I suddenly knew that the ashes of the stragglers and I were on the same flight home, my heart was like a knife. "I know you will say that, and you will do it." Haitao said. "Why, how did you know I would say that?" "Based on what I know about you and the skirmishers." "Thank you Haitao." I restrained myself from crying. "Mocha, no matter what, I hope you will be strong." Haitao still couldn't help comforting me. I pretended to be relaxed and told Haitao, don't worry, don't you think I'm fine?He is also good, I will go to Guiyang to see him in April, I believe he is also very good, the place where he lives should be very quiet, no one disturbs him.Speaking of this, the tears could no longer be held back, and they still fell.I will only see the desolate grave of the straggler, and how can I know whether he is doing well or not in heaven. "I really want to know what the stragglers said in the end." I have always wanted to know the words after the stragglers called me. "He was already in a state of confusion at that time, and kept calling your name to look for you." Haitao said. "What about me, how am I?" "You were already in a coma at that time, so we lied to him that Mocha was there, Mocha was by your side, and then he believed it and became quiet." Haitao sighed long. Putting down the phone, my mind went blank. He was still looking for me at the last moment of his life. He actually took the same plane as me to go home. So I sent him or he sent me.Or it is doomed that we rush to Tibet from different directions, but return home in one direction. A discharge gift from my aunt, a laptop.When my uncle watched me turn on the computer, he told me the bad news. The notebook I originally carried with me fell into the mountain stream on the day of the accident and was scrapped on the spot, with all the data in it destroyed.When my uncle told me the news, his expression was regretful. I was not sad because of the loss of the manuscript. Compared with the lost stragglers, these are no longer important.What I can't forget is the last line of text in the novel I left on the computer, which is Mocha's words: I will remember you, and I will wait here. If I can't wait for a year, I will wait for ten years. Until you come back, then I will use these ten years to learn to forget. When everyone left, I suddenly thought, is this God's will? When I carefully fabricated a perfect version of love, God also gave me such a sad and beautiful out-of-print.Is it true that a love that is too beautiful cannot last forever?Is not too perfect attribution is a myth?If that's the case, I'd rather never have met the skirmisher, so I can pray he's healthy and happy. My father nailed a wooden board for me to fix the notebook, and when I lay on the bed and turned on the computer and connected to the Internet, I searched for the names of the stragglers.I have been waiting for this day since I heard the news of the soldier's death in the hospital. I want to go home and look for the soldier on the Internet. He is a computer student. My classmates must have built an online mourning hall for him.Sure enough, I found it quickly. The webpage was downloaded bit by bit, and his eyebrows, eyes, and face slowly appeared on the screen.It's him, it's really him, bursting with desolate sorrow and joy, heart-wrenching, scattered soldiers, I finally found you. Looking at his classmates' messages, looking for the shadow of the stragglers before they went to Tibet from those words.I saw that Xing Wei in Shanghai, the classmate who talked on the phone all the way, and he also built this mourning hall on the third day after the soldiers left.Looking at the letter Xing Wei wrote to him, my tears could no longer be restrained, dripping onto the keyboard. I seem to have heard him joking with the skirmisher again, seeing him say that the skirmisher is a farmer who grows peach trees, everything is so close to me but so far away... I frantically searched for the online QQ of the straggler. Although I knew this number would never light up again, I still called him over and over again. "Through me, let me be with you." "You are so cruel to shut me out like this." "Scatterers, please pass me, let me see you online." I found the CD that Haitao left me, which was full of photos taken by the stragglers during their lifetime.Open one by one and watch carefully. From the fourth day of acquaintance, his lens has gradually turned to me from the sky, snow-capped mountains, and holy lakes.I laughed happily, I ran and looked back, I danced with the Tibetans, I held the toffee in my hand, and the most photographed was the scene of me catching black cats in Tibetan homes. After a series of snaps, I see To a happy me, that night was the last night before the car accident, what Haitao said was right, they were all photos of us, but he didn't have a single one of himself. He watched my every frown and smile silently, and recorded all my expressions, but I didn't know that I was so happy in the camera. In the photos, there are snow-capped mountains with our laughter, green lakes where we have walked, clear blue sky, and the favorite clouds of stragglers. "No cloud in the sky is exactly the same." This is His voice, I will always remember. I was stunned when I browsed to the last photo. I didn’t expect that the last photo of the skull wall that the stragglers exchanged their lives for was actually upside down!Those horrible skeletons seemed to be staring at me, and I was so scared that I quickly closed the window.Mood, but can not be calm for a long time.Could it be that all this is destined? Logged into the Shenzhen version of Tianya Community again. Here are netizens who have been worried about me. When my name was displayed online, the whole page immediately boiled. I seemed to hear the cheers of many people. They shouted and laughed—our Mocha is back, our The moderator is safe. I browsed the web and looked at every post about me. At that moment, I cried again. I couldn’t imagine what kind of group of people on the Internet were waiting in front of the computer day and night to bless me during those days when I was in a coma. Pray to God for me, just that I survive. Dozens of posts, thousands of hits, hundreds of replies, the news about me has never stopped from early morning to late night.From guessing the location of my accident, my injuries, to seeking medical advice for me, there are people who ask questions and pay attention every day. I really don’t know that I am so lucky. I get everyone’s love in Shenzhen version.Who Said The Web Is Unreal?This is clearly the most sincere friendship and the kindest care. I was finally able to calm down and recall every detail of the encounter when I went to the stragglers, so I tapped on the keyboard with my flying fingers and told all the netizens who cared about me about my personal experience, the story about Tibet, the story The name is called. It took me four days to write a journey note of nearly 40,000 words. This is a text that I wrote with tears in my eyes and netizens read with tears. I never thought that this story would bring me more The love of many people soon became a hot post in the Tianya community, and more netizens knew about me, about stragglers, and about such a sad love story in mysterious Tibet. I just want to tell everyone that this world is not without true feelings, but that we lack the eyes to discover the true feelings. Netizens followed up, left messages, and wrote to me.During those days, I finally understood the words of that writer: "The will to love in life is more powerful than the wounds in life." Although I lost my stragglers and my love, at the same time I had the love of more people. The love of relatives, the love of netizens and the love of more strangers. These surges of love from all directions protect me like an airbag. Without them, I might really not have the courage to face life again. In February, brother Feng Wei drove hundreds of kilometers from Beijing to visit me.Unexpectedly, when he saw me for the first time, he said: Mocha, you have become beautiful. "Beautiful?" I stroked the scars on my face and hands, and finally put my hand on his short hair and asked him, "You say I'm beautiful?" "Yes, beautiful, this kind of beauty comes from the vitality and strong will of your second life, don't you think you are beautiful?" He encouraged me to face up to this word. I was infected by him, yes, I am beautiful, I nodded. Brother Feng Wei asked me if I still remembered a person named Xuekang Nima. Of course I remembered that he still gave me flowers when I was in the Tibet Military Hospital.I just couldn't figure out why when I woke up, I only saw the flowers sent by him and Brother Feng Wei, but not the person. "Because I was on my way back to Beijing at that time, Xuekang Nima was in Chengdu, and we asked the locals to deliver those flowers." Brother Feng Wei told me that after he learned of my accident, he talked with Nima every day , until I was taken back to Shenyang. "Mocha, do you believe in the blessing of the Buddha?" Brother Feng Wei asked me. "I believe it." I didn't believe it before, but when I learned that I could still wake up after being in a coma for four days, and that so many people prayed for me every day, I believed it. "It's strange to say that just the day before you woke up, I made an appointment with Xuekangnima. I found a living Buddha in Xiangshan, Beijing to chant scriptures for you. Xuekangnima invited more than 200 lamas to pray for you in Mankang. You recite scriptures and pray for blessings, the sky has eyes, and you really survived." Brother Feng Wei told me with emotion. "Why are you so kind to me?" I never imagined that I only met Brother Feng Wei and Xue Kangnima once, and they would be so worried about my life. "Do you still remember when you were in Balang School, you carried a bunch of bowls to wash? At that time, we all thought you were a very kind person." Brother Feng Wei handed me the candy he brought from Beijing, and in his heart I like sweets like a little girl. In March, I began to receive gifts from my friends. Freefish returned from Nepal. He sent me a Nepalese lantern and several exquisite photo frames, each of which was framed in the Potala Palace. Help me take photos of dancing in Tibetan clothes.Chen sent over two boxes of books, she was afraid that I would be too lonely while lying on the hospital bed. A little girl from Anhui who had never met, she read my book with tears and spent two months folding a thousand paper cranes. There was only a short sentence in the carton that was mailed: "Sister Mocha, I hope that when you receive these thousand blessings, you can also stand up strong." Mai Lang, who was still serving as a soldier in Dandong, learned of my story by chance, ran all over the barracks to find five military medals, nailed them in a notebook and sent them to me. He wrote in the letter: "Mocha, I asked for these five military medals from the five best soldiers in the army. The meaning of giving them to you is that Mocha is also the best in my eyes." I have no reason to disappoint them with the love of so many people.Although I lost the skirmishers, I still have the whole world.I told myself that I want to live a good life, for the stragglers, and for all the relatives, friends and people who have never met me who care about me. Huangquan Road, Mengpo soup, a lonely soul forgets each other after a drink, Naihe Bridge, the gate of ghosts, lock me alone and hate the sky.cry cry cry I am not good at poetry.This song "The Hairpin Head Phoenix" written for scattered soldiers does not have any peaceful rhythm to talk about. My grandfather, who is nearly ninety years old, couldn't stop his heartache when he saw it. He said that this word is too bitter. I survived The comfort of his family, so he wrote lyrics for the first time, just to tell me: Dad saw the two pieces of calligraphy sent by his grandfather, and also came up with the idea of ​​writing words: Although my father told me about his feelings, I understand that he has already changed his views on making friends online and was moved by the sincere and kind-hearted friends around me. "Sister Mocha, are you really sure to come to Guiyang next week?" "Yes, I will be going at the end of April." "I understand your feelings. I want to see my brother sooner, but it's not convenient for you to walk now. Can you come later?" I seem to see the young girl crying softly on the other side of the screen. "Lei, did you take any pictures before your brother's final cremation?" "Yes, but you'd better not read it, because it's very..." Lei's voice choked up on the phone. "I want one, okay? That's his last look." I insisted. "I'm afraid you will be afraid after reading it." "Why would you be afraid? I know he has injuries on his face, and I know he has had a lot of stitches. I only feel distressed when I see it. How can I be afraid." Lei doesn't understand me, if he is afraid, how can I really love stragglers? . "Then, well, I'll help you get ready, and call me when you arrive in Guiyang." "Thank you, Lei." I hung up the phone and called Chen again. "Are you crazy? Come to Guiyang in April? Can you bear more than 400 steps? Don't want to live anymore?" She shouted loudly on the phone.Dad just walked by the door, I moved to the door step by step, and closed the door tightly. "It's already been decided, don't try to persuade me anymore, come to Guiyang at the end of April, if you really feel sorry for me, go and see him with me." I firmly repeated my decision, and didn't give her a chance to persuade me. "Can you come back after your body recovers better? His grave is halfway up the mountain. I'm afraid you won't be able to walk up." Chen's voice softened, and his words were full of distress. "I'm not afraid, even if I climb, I will climb up." "Forget it, I'm afraid of you, eat less recently, and I'll carry you up." "I don't need anyone to carry me, I rely on myself." I heard Chen sigh on the phone. In April 2004, under my persistent insistence, my parents sent me to Beijing Broadcasting Institute to study.My mother is here with me while studying, while waiting for the second operation at the end of the year. If the operation goes well, I will be able to walk completely without crutches. When I was about to leave the house, I received a text message from my uncle: "You are very smart, very obedient, very courageous and very emotional. After many hardships, you will definitely see the rainbow in life. Remember to be happy, baby." On weekends, my brother helped me to go to the Lama Temple in Beijing to pay my respects. I worshiped one temple after another. I lit sandalwood piously, raised my head and said silently in my heart: "Buddha, I am here to fulfill my vows, for all the prayers and blessings that have been given to me. All my wishes are fulfilled, I survived, and I stood up again, and today I am here to make a wish, wishing all the kind-hearted people in the world happiness and well-being.” However, when I reached the Hall of the Medicine King, I started crying again. I asked the Medicine King Bodhisattva, "Why can't the scattered soldiers survive? Why is his life so short? He is only twenty-six years old." When we walked out of Lama Temple, we met a beggar. He looked at me, and I looked at him too. I saw that his face had been burned and lost its original appearance, and his hands on his chest had turned into two lumps.When I took out a ten-yuan note and wanted to put it in the box in front of him, he kept shaking his head and refused.I asked why, but he didn't answer, pointing to my leg that was still walking on crutches, I smiled, if you accept the money, my leg will get better.He looked at the money in the box, then looked up at me and said word by word: Get back to health soon.At that moment, I saw the most beautiful kindness in human nature again.