Chapter 18 Chapter Eighteen

The plane roared up, its wings trembling in the dense clouds, and it broke through with all its strength.Ten minutes later, a few rays of golden light shot into the porthole, and the heavy haze covering the sky over Hong Kong was thrown far away at the feet. Outside the window was the rough sea of ​​clouds and the endless blue sky. Warmed by the air conditioner in the cabin, the paper bag in front of me exudes a richer creamy aroma, which is mouth-watering.Dai Xi took out the laptop from the bag and opened it.After an exhausting morning, she could read chapters with fresh eyes. Professor Higgins: Today let's talk about our views on women, hehe, the most common topic among men.

x: woman?What is there to talk about? Professor Higgins: Like...do you think women are cute? x: cute?No, I think women are very hateful. Prof. Higgins: Well, that's a common perception too.Of course, everyone's reasons are different, may I know yours? x: The reason...how should I put it? Professor Higgins: Well, let’s talk about the women you hate the most one by one. x: Let me think... the first woman I hated was my mother. Professor Higgins: Oh?Is it because of her indifference to you since childhood, or because of her behavior of abandoning you alone in Shanghai? x: no.It does make me very sad that my mother treats me like that, but it doesn't make me hate her, because I believe she must have her reasons, and most of them are because I am not good enough to satisfy her.However, when I reunited with her some years later and the relationship improved, I really heard from her the reasons for her dislike of me, which made me hate her most deeply.

Professor Higgins: Can you tell me about it? x: Let's start at the beginning...my parents met and fell in love in Paris in the early 1950s.My father's family runs an auto parts business in the United States and Europe, while my maternal grandfather travels between France and Hong Kong and has a large-scale clothing industry.After their marriage they settled in London, where my older brothers and sisters were born.Although he was born in a business family, my father was a pure scholar. He had neither interest nor ability in mundane matters such as business, and devoted all his talent and enthusiasm to the comparative study of Chinese and English.And my mother is beautiful and lively, almost a born businessman. Their personalities are in sharp contrast, but they are perfectly matched, and their married life is happy.

Everything changed after my father decided to return to China.As a scholar who is obsessed with Chinese and English, it is always a regret that he cannot let go of not having the opportunity to study his mother tongue in his own country.Since the early 1950s, he has participated in the compilation of the first English edition of "Selected Works of Mao Zedong" as a consultant, and this experience made him even more eager to return to China.Professor, you know that scholars are usually stubborn. Although my father is usually dull and easy-going, once a decision is made, even my mother can only obey.In this way, they returned to Shanghai with their family in 1957. During the whole process, they received special care from the United Front Work Department of the CCP.

When I first came back, my father went to Beijing many times to participate in "political missions" related to translation. Although my mother was not used to the environment, the living conditions provided by the government were not satisfactory. She also made friends with some overseas Chinese. The small circle adhered to the original style, creating an isolated atmosphere.Unfortunately, the good times didn’t last long, as waves of political movements came one after another, and no one around was spared. My mother became very disturbed, and she began to force my father to find a way to leave China as soon as possible.

In fact, at that time, even a nerd like my father felt that there was a crisis, so they tried every means to open up the highest-level relationship, and there was really hope that they would be approved to leave China soon.Just then, my mother found out that she was pregnant.This accident disrupted all plans, and they couldn't leave for the time being.The consequences were disastrous. Before I was born, my father was labeled as a reactionary academic authority and sent to Gansu Province.Then the living conditions of our family took a turn for the worse. My mother was trapped in Shanghai and had to raise three children alone. She had to go to work in a factory, and she even had to use some extraordinary means to get help from some powerful men...

So my mother blamed all these hardships on me.From the time she conceived me, she loathed me and considered me the cause of all her misery.This is why she always treats me differently from my brothers and sisters, because they were born in London and are the crystallization of an elegant and happy life, while what I represent is the cruel and ruthless political persecution and the crazy and violent evil of human nature.Even after several years, when they finally got the chance to leave Shanghai, she resolutely abandoned me, a child who brought misfortune. Professor, maybe I should understand her, she is also an innocent victim.But I can't—am I not more innocent than she? !I spent my entire childhood in self-denial, desperately trying to find a reason why she hated me, and trying to please her with all the effort a child can make, just to get the kind of maternal love that my brothers and sisters get, but she let me down For twenty years!Even if it was made up for later, it would be too late.If I were really as ugly, stupid, and unlovable as I thought I was, maybe I would be more psychologically balanced.But, years later, she told me that since I was a baby, she'd seen me as the smartest of the three kids, and the one who looked the most like her... so all the hard work I've done It's all in vain. I don't need to change myself at all, because no matter what I do, she will not be satisfied. My fault is not other than my life.I shouldn't have been born at all. Once I was born, I was destined not to be loved by her.

Professor, my mother is beautiful, elegant, kind, and capable. She has almost all the advantages that a woman can have, but for me, she is not worthy of being a mother. ... So then, I found myself a mother. Professor Higgins: Well, I guess it's the English teacher? x: Yes, from her I got love that I couldn't get from my mother.During those years, she loved me like a real mother, and everything I did for her was answered.Whether it is reciting novels or making love with her, I can make her happy from the bottom of my heart. By her side, I not only taste the sweetness of love, but also gradually build up my self-confidence.I began to discover that although I couldn't make my mother love me with all my might, I could easily win the hearts of other women.But during the years of being in love with her, I didn't need any other woman, it was enough for me to have her.All the time I spent with her was so good, and as I got older, I became more and more dominant in the relationship.It turned out that she was the one who urged me to end every date, but in the end, it was she who became reluctant to part, and even felt sad for every parting.In fact, I am not willing to be separated from her, but as a man who is growing up, I have gradually realized my advantages in emotion and willpower, so I make sure that I am on time every time, because I know that she is wait for me.

Thousands of days and nights passed so peacefully, passing like water.I even thought that we would go on like this forever until she and I were both rotten.I seriously thought about it, even if that moment really comes, I will hold her tightly in my arms, my soul will guard her soul, and I will cherish her with my last strength, so that she will not feel the slightest bit. of fear and sorrow... However, the shattering of this dream was faster than the mother's abandonment.Before I could recover from the shock, it was irretrievably over, and with it my future. I don't hate her for almost ruining my life, I hate her timidity and withdrawal at critical moments.As the truth slowly came to light, I learned that her husband had not died as early as she had claimed to me, and that she had not just one daughter my age, but two.Another daughter lived in the country with her husband, and she, leaving them behind, devoted herself to me.She lied to her husband, abandoned her own flesh and blood, and just indulged in lust. What she has done is more shameful than my mother!

So, she became the second woman I hate.My two mothers have become the people I hate the most.I grew up chewing on my hatred for them, and I will continue to hate them until I die. Dai Xi shivered all over, she couldn't stand it anymore.She had read these words many times, but she was always unable to understand the deep-seated resentment in them. Now, she completely understood. But when she closed her eyes and revisited Li Weilian's words and deeds, those scenes were so vivid and vivid: the suffocating shabby garment factory in North Point, the blurred coffee aroma in "Shuangmei 1919", and, The Star Ferry bumped in the drizzle and fast waves... It was during these moments that what Daixi witnessed was not hatred, but the deepest love.

She gets it.These two mothers nurtured and molded his body and soul, and he loved them with every drop of blood in his body, but it was also them who pushed down the first and second dominoes in his life, When he was still very weak and unable to resist, he was forced to bear the cruelest fate. Therefore, as much as his love is, so is his hatred.He was suffering from the same level of intense love and hatred, and he couldn't tell whether he was loving or hating. x: These two mothers taught me the concept of women.I've met countless women since then, and each one has vindicated my beliefs from a different perspective.Women are mean, selfish, and cowardly, and their hearts are full of deceit and greed.The so-called kindness of women is actually cowardice, or it is simply pretended to please men.In emotion, women are weak and passive on the surface, but in fact they are far more ruthless than men.The experience of dealing with countless women tells me that when you are successful, healthy, powerful and rich, they will be extremely obsessed with you, scrambling to dedicate themselves to you in the name of love, trying their best to flatter you, pretentious, looking for life , the purpose is nothing more than wanting you, possessing you, and making you available to them.But once you lose the conditions that are beneficial to them, they will kick you away without hesitation, and most of them will shed false tears, as if your incompetence caused their pain instead. Of course women are still useful.Their bodies can satisfy me, their obsession with me, although full of hypocrisy, can entertain me and help me relieve stress.Professor, I think Freud once said that when people are in love, they are the most vulnerable and most vulnerable.My experience fully proves this point.After realizing this, I completely changed my attitude towards women.Instead of trying to love, I just played with them, and it turned out to be very funny, women had the wildest emotions for me and adored me like crazy.I still don't agree that this kind of emotion is love, they don't know how to love at all, but I enjoy this kind of fanaticism and admiration. It's so easy for me to get sexually active and experiment with all types and styles.In addition to pure physical gratification, it is also very interesting to play emotional games.Because it is so easy to capture them, I can only use some fresh ideas on the means of abandonment.What made me quite helpless was that soon they could bear and get used to being bullied.Even including my wife, when I pursued her because of her beauty and identity, I wanted to marry a noble white beauty like her as a yellow race born in mainland China, and I succeeded without much effort.After I got married, I never broke off the relationship with other women. At first, I felt a little guilty towards my wife, but then I found that she knew my infidelity well, for the dignity of the family, for our children, and of course for our common She and I have reached a consensus on this, as long as I don't make things out of hand and damage the face of her and her family, she will let me go. Professor, this attitude from my wife actually breaks my heart, I haven't been sad for a woman in a long time.Only then did I know that I still had illusions about love, and she shattered my last illusion.Originally, if she insisted, I would work hard to change for her and our family, no matter what the cost. My conclusion is this: no woman is worth loving, and no woman is worth trusting. On the computer screen, Dai Xi seemed to see the cute girl who was doing the monkey fist again. Her Chinese name was pronounced the same as her English name. She was forced to lose a lot of time with her father at a young age. —You're very sick, but it's not your fault.Since you still want to try, I will definitely do my best. The sun was setting outside the porthole, and the plane was already circling over Shanghai.In the gray twilight, the lights of the elevated road draw shining golden lines on the vast land.The golden light surrounds twists and turns, without beginning or end, but there are clear boundaries. Dai Xi saw the plane he was on, like a child making a silhouette with his small hands, passing through it, detours, breakthroughs, across the vast sky, and flew to the destination alone. From Shanghai to Hong Kong, and from Hong Kong back to Shanghai, Dai Xi walked this journey once, but he still couldn't really understand how lonely he was on the same journey. The plane landed at Pudong Airport, and Dai Xi called Meng Feiyang as soon as he stepped onto the corridor bridge. "Xiao Xi?" "Feiyang, I'm here!" Dai Xi's voice was a little trembling, "Where are you going to eat tonight? You tell me the place, and I'll take a taxi there right away!" It was only five days since we parted, but she felt as if it had been a century.Missing Meng Feiyang reached its peak at the moment when she returned to Shanghai. Dai Xi longed to be embraced by him immediately, so as to prove her true feelings. "Xiaoxi..." Meng Feiyang's voice was dull, "We can't have dinner together tonight." "What?" Dai Xi didn't hear clearly. "That's it, Xiaoxi, I have an urgent contract to discuss on the first day of work today. I'm going to Beijing for a business trip right now. I have a nine o'clock plane, and I have to go to the airport in a while." Dai Xi was stunned. She thought for a while and said, "Then I'll wait for you at the airport." After a brief silence, Meng Feiyang said on the other end of the phone: "Xiaoxi, I'm sorry, my flight is at Hongqiao Airport, so... we can't meet." Dai Xi stopped her sprinting pace, and the other passengers walked past her.Her heart seemed to suddenly become heavy: "Feiyang, what's wrong with you? What happened?" "It's nothing, just the scheduled shift. Xiaoxi, you're tired too, go home and have a good rest." Dai Xi clenched the phone tightly, something must have happened.For more than ten years, Meng Feiyang's joys, sorrows, sorrows and joys have been contained in Dai Xi's heart. She is as familiar with him as she is familiar with herself: "Feiyang, tell me, what's wrong?!" "It's really nothing!" Meng Feiyang insisted, "Don't think about it, go home." Dai Xi walked forward again quickly: "Okay, I'll take the airport bus now, and I will definitely arrive at Hongqiao Airport before you board the plane. Just wait!" "Xiaoxi, don't mess around!" "I'm not messing around! I have to see you!" "Then wait until I come back from a business trip." "When will you come back?" "I..." Meng Feiyang faltered again. Dai Xi called to the phone: "Tell me, when are you going to come back?" "I don't know, it depends on whether the contract negotiation goes well," Meng Feiyang said very hard, "Xiaoxi, you know, our kind of contract, if it goes well, it will be settled in two or three days, if it doesn't go well, it may take a moon……" Dai Xi felt humiliated: "Feiyang, you will never lie to me!" Meng Feiyang only paused for a moment, and continued to speak resolutely: "Xiaoxi, what I said is the truth. Besides, don't go to my place anymore——Ke Yaping, you know her, her brother and sister-in-law are making trouble at home again. The world is turned upside down, she has no place to go, and I happen to be on a business trip, so let her stay at my house temporarily, and I will tell you." Dai Xi couldn't answer, she suddenly felt very tired, so she leaned softly on the window of the airport hall.It was only when I leaned up that I realized how frozen the glass windows had accumulated in the severe cold.Time and space migrated, and the warmth of a few hours ago disappeared.Where is the truth? "Xiaoxi..." Meng Feiyang was obviously worried when he didn't hear Dai Xi's answer. He called Dai Xi softly, and his tone returned to his usual concern, "Xiaoxi, are you okay? I'll go back to my parents for dinner." Come on, listen..." "Well," Dai Xi replied in a trance. This kind of conversation has been used to them for many years, and it seems to have become an integral part of her life. Naturally, without any consideration or pretense, "Feiyang, I am obedient. But can you I can't tell you what happened?" Meng Feiyang fell silent again, but Dai Xi seemed to be able to hear his agitated heart song, and with the sound of heavy breathing reaching her ears, she knew it was her hallucination—"Xiaoxi, I read your document, It's the 'Consultant x' copy, and those photos." Dai Xi waited for him to speak. "Xiaoxi, for me, the English of that document is a bit difficult, but I probably understand it. I also... understand what you mean, why did you let me read it." Meng Feiyang swallowed , Last night he stayed up all night, until now there are still overwhelming English letters jumping in front of his eyes, because of lack of sleep, he has a headache all day long, and he wants to call Daixi's cell phone countless times, but restrains himself countless times.At this moment, he wanted to tell Dai Xi what he had prepared all day, but he didn't expect it to be so difficult.