Chapter 5 Confessions Chapter Osamu Nonoguchi's Notes

The next time Detective Kaga comes back, will he already know all the answers? I've been lying on the hospital bed for the past few days, thinking about it all the time.According to his previous work progress, it is hard for me not to make such an association.In fact, he was approaching the truth with such precision and alarming speed that I seemed to hear his footsteps ringing in my ears at any moment.Especially when my relationship with Hidaka Hatsumi was exposed, I had a certain degree of awareness.I'm afraid I can't hide it anymore, I suddenly want to give up, his sharpness makes me feel horrible.Maybe it's weird for me to say that, but he was right to quit teaching and choose this job.

The Kaga detective showed up in the ward with two pieces of evidence, a knife and a video tape.Amazing to hear that the tape was hidden in the gutted novel.I thought to myself, this is really like a trick Hidaka would play, and only he would do it on purpose.If he had put it in other books instead of inside, I believe that even Kaga Detective would not have discovered the truth of the matter so easily. "Please explain the contents of this tape. If you want to watch it again, we will borrow a video recorder and a TV from the hospital." Detective Kaga just said a few words lightly, but these few words alone were enough for me to tell the truth.Because in order to explain the content of the videotape, all the truth must be told.What is recorded there is very strange things.

Even so, I still tried to do unnecessary struggle, intending to refuse to answer all the questions.I quickly learned, though, that there is little point in doing so.Detective Kaga seemed to have expected that I would resort to the tactic of silence, and Detective Kaga stated his reasoning on his own.It is astonishing that, apart from the details, his reasoning is almost identical to reality, and he even goes as far as to say: "The above remarks, at this point in time, can only be regarded as imagination. However, we intend to Just use this as the motive for this crime and close the case. Teacher, you also said before that it doesn’t matter what the motive is. The police can write whatever they like. I will answer you now, what I just said is yours. Motivated."

Yes, I did tell him that before.I'm not joking, I'm serious. Instead of asking me to tell the real reason for killing Hidaka Kunihiko, it is better to use an appropriate account made up by others. At that time, I never dreamed that the Kaga detective would find out the real reason, so I never thought about how to deal with today's situation. "It seems that I lost." I forced myself to be calm and tried to maintain a gentle tone.Detective Kaga should have noticed it too, right?That's just bluffing. "Can you say it?" Kaga detective asked. "It doesn't seem to work if I don't say anything. Even if I don't say anything, you will take what I just said as facts and report it to the court, right?"

"That's right." "If this is the case, please try to ensure the authenticity of the content, so that I can feel more at ease." "My own reasoning is always going to be wrong." "No, hardly any, that's a marvel! But there are a few things to add, and there's a matter of honor involved." "Is it about the teacher's reputation?" "No," I shook my head desperately, "It's Hidaka Hatsumi's honor." As if he understood, Detective Kaga nodded, and then he signaled to the Detective accompanying him to start preparing for the record.

"Wait a minute, please!" I said, "Do I have to answer this way?" "What's the meaning?" "This story is a bit long, and I have to sort out some parts in my head first. If I think of something, I will say it. It is inevitable that I have regrets that I can't fully express." "After the indictment is written, we will definitely let you review it." "I know, but I also have my persistence. I hope that when I confess, I can state it in my own words." Detective Kaga was silent for a few seconds and then said, "Do you want to write a confession by yourself?"

"If I could, I'd like to do it." "I see, it's easier for us this way, how long do you need?" "All day is fine." Detective Kaga looked at his watch and said, "We'll come back tomorrow evening." Then he got up and left. That's why I wrote this confession.This is probably the last time I write a long article for the purpose of providing others to read, right?That said, this will be my last work.Thinking of this, I told myself that I should not be sloppy at all, but unfortunately, I did not have enough time to pay attention to the modification of vocabulary.

As I have repeatedly told Detective Kaga, Kunihiko Hidaka and I met again seven years ago.Hidaka had already become an official writer at that time, and it had been two years since he won a newcomer award from a certain publishing house.He has published a booklet of his award-winning work combined with other short stories, and he has also written three novels. "An exciting rising star" - I remember that was how people commented on him at the time, but whenever a writer who debuted recently published a book, the publishing house always praised it like this... Since we are childhood friends, I have been paying attention to him since his debut.While I think he is very powerful, I am jealous of him at the same time, I do not deny this.how to say?Because at that time, I also took writing as my lifelong career.

In fact, Hidaka and I have been talking about such dreams since we were kids.We both like to read, and if we find something interesting, we will tell each other and exchange appreciation.It was he who told me about the taste of "Sherlock Holmes" and "Lupine the Third", and I recommended Jules Verne to him. Hidaka often said: "I want to write such an interesting book!" "One day I will become a writer." He just blurted out such words without hesitation.Although I am not like him, I always yell loudly and confidently, but I also said that it is my longing career.

Under such circumstances, it is understandable that I am somewhat jealous of being surpassed by him?Compared with his success, I am not even close to being a writer. However, after all, he is an old acquaintance of mine, and there is no doubt that I will want to cheer him up.Besides, for me, maybe this is an opportunity?Through Rigao, maybe I can get to know a few people from the publishing house. With such a plan, I really wished to see him right away, but I expected that, as far as he was just becoming famous, even the encouragement from his childhood friend would only be icing on the cake and would only increase the boredom.So I plan to congratulate him after I have read his works.

And under his stimulation, I finally started to create seriously.When I was a student, I edited something similar to a tabloid with a few friends. Since then, I have been writing novels. I selected a story about a pyrotechnic master from several themes that have been brewing for many years, and started writing.There lived a master pyrotechnics maker next door to my hometown. When I was in the fifth and sixth grades of elementary school, I visited his studio many times to play. He was probably in his seventies at the time.Listening to the old man talk about fireworks was very interesting, and I will never forget it in my life.So I thought, if the stories told by the old man were laid out, wouldn’t it be a novel?Ordinary men devote themselves to the production of fireworks because of a chance... Thinking of such a plot, I started writing. "Round Fire" is the name I chose for this work. After two years in this way, I finally made up my mind to write to Hidaka.In the letter, I told him that I have read all his works since his debut, and I hope he will work harder.I cheered for him, and at the same time expressed my hope to meet him. Unexpectedly, there will be a reply soon.No, it seems a little strange to reply to the letter. In fact, it was Hidaka who called my home, and I also wrote my phone number in the letter. He was very nostalgic, and when he thought about it carefully, we hadn't had a good chat since graduating from junior high school. "I heard from my mother that you have become Mr. Nonoguchi? It's great to have a stable job. I still live without salary and bonus. I don't know what will happen tomorrow!" He said After finishing speaking, he smiled innocently.He said that, of course, because of subconscious superiority, but I didn't feel unpleasant. We talked on the phone about our next meeting. We will meet at the coffee shop in Shinjuku first, and then go to the Chinese restaurant behind for dinner.I was wearing a suit that I had just returned from school and he was wearing a jacket and jeans. "So this is the dress of a freelancer!" I remember feeling very special at that time. We talked about the past, and chatted about the current situation of mutual friends, and the topic has been spinning around Hidaka's novels since then.Hidaka looked surprised to learn that I had actually read all of his works.According to him, even more than half of the editors who work with him have not even read a single book by him, which really surprises me. Most of the time, he's cheerful and talkative, but when I mention book sales, he looks a little somber. "Just getting the magazine's newcomer award won't sell well, because not many people will notice it. It's the same award, but if it's a famous award, the situation is different." I thought to myself, even if I have fulfilled my dream and become a real writer, there are still many unknown hardships. Later, I thought about it carefully, maybe at that time Rigao had encountered a bottleneck on the way of writing, which means the so-called low ebb, and he couldn't find a way to overcome it?Of course, I didn't know this was the case at the time. I told him that I was actually writing a novel and dreamed of becoming a real writer someday, and I confessed even that to him. "Any finished works?" he asked me. "No, I'm ashamed to say that I'm still working on my first book, and it should be finished soon." "Then bring it over after you finish writing it. I'll take a look. If it's good, I'll introduce you to an editor I know." "Really? Hearing you say that, I'm more excited to write. I don't have any contacts at all, and I want to say which company's newcomer award I want to participate in!" "I advise you not to spend a lot of time to participate in the newcomer award. It is all about luck. If you don't meet the appetite of the screeners at the beginning, you will be rejected in the primary selection stage, even if the best work is the same." "I've heard of that." "Is that so? It would be easier to find the editor directly." Hidaka said confidently. "I will contact you as soon as the work is finished." After that, we broke up. After having a specific goal, my determination to write is also different.Originally, I procrastinated to write the half-written story for more than a year, but it was completed in less than a month after meeting Rigao.Calculated by manuscript paper, it is several hundred pages of novellas. I contacted Rigao and told him that the book had been written and asked him to help read it.He asked me to courier the book to his house, so I made a photocopy and sent it off.All that was left was to wait for his reply. From that day on, I didn't even have the heart to work at school. However, Hidaka hasn't contacted me for a long time. I thought he must be very busy, so I didn't plan to call him right away.However, in the corner of my mind, I can't help but wonder, does he think that work is terrible, and he doesn't know how to answer me?This ominous premonition is growing in my heart. After sending out the manuscript for more than a month, I finally got up the courage to call him. His reply made me very disappointed. He said that he hadn't even read it. "Sorry! I'm dealing with a very difficult job recently, so I can't spare time." Hearing what he said, I didn't know what to say. "It's okay, anyway, I'm not in a hurry, you can deal with your affairs first." I encouraged him instead. "Sorry! I read that book right after it was mailed, but I only read the beginning. It seems to be about the story of a pyrotechnic master?" "Ok." "You're writing about the old man who lives next door to the shrine, right?" Hidaka seemed to still remember the master pyrotechnic master, I replied: "Yes." "I feel so nostalgic. I wanted to read it quickly, but there was no way." "How long will you be busy with this job at hand?" "A month or so, I suppose? Anyway, I'll contact you as soon as I'm done." "Well, please." I hung up the phone, thinking that writing a book is really hard work.At that time, I had no suspicions about Hidaka at all. Another month later, he still has no news.Although I knew that pressing too hard would cause trouble for the other party, but I couldn't wait to hear his thoughts on the work, so I couldn't help but dialed the phone. "Sorry! I haven't finished it yet." His answer disappointed me again, "This work has been delayed for a long time, can you wait a little longer?" "It doesn't matter..." To be honest, it would be a kind of torture for me to wait any longer, so I said, "If you are busy, can you introduce someone to look at it for me? For example, an editor or something?" Hearing me say this, his tone suddenly became very serious: "That's not okay! I don't want to force a book to a busy editor without knowing the content. They have a lot of books every day. Immature manuscripts need to be dealt with, even if I want to introduce them to others, I hope I can read them first. If you don’t trust me, I can return the manuscript to you right now.” What he said left me speechless. "That's not what I mean. I just think you are working hard. I just want to say that there are other people who can help." "Unfortunately, no one in this world will seriously read the novels of amateur writers. Don't worry, I will be responsible for reading it, I promise you." "Really? Then I'll leave it to you." After I finished speaking, I hung up the phone. However, as expected, two weeks later, he still had no reply.With the awareness that I might annoy him, I called again. "I was just about to call you." For some reason, his tone seemed a little cold, which made me a little worried. "Have you finished watching?" "Well, I just finished watching it." Then why don't you call me right away?I resisted the urge to question. "What do you think?" I tried to ask him how he felt about the work. "Well, this..." he said after a pause for a few seconds, "I can't make it clear on the phone, what's the matter? Would you like to come over? Let's have a good talk." What he said confuses me, I just want to know if the work is interesting, it's really a rush to meet a slow doctor.However, he would specially call me to his house, saying that he wanted to discuss something with me in detail, which shows that he has read the book carefully. "I will definitely bother." I agreed a little nervously. In this way, I went to visit his house.It never occurred to me then how much this visit would have an impact on the rest of my life. At that time, he had just bought the present home.Although he claimed that the house was bought with the savings he saved when he was working, it must have been a considerable contribution from the inheritance left by his father.I heard that Hidaka's father passed away two years ago.Fortunately, he later became a best-selling author, otherwise such a mansion seems not suitable for him. I brought whiskey as a gift and came to his place. Hidaka greeted me as a coach, and beside him was Hatsumi. Looking back now, maybe that was the so-called love at first sight.The moment I saw Hatsumi, there was a certain feeling in my heart, it was a feeling of deja vu.Of course, this is the first time we met, so to be more accurate, it should be said that the two people who were destined to meet finally met at a certain point in time.I kept staring at her face, unable to speak for a while. However, Hidaka didn't seem to notice my absence, he asked Hatsumi to make coffee, and then led me into the studio. I thought he would talk about the work right away, but he has been slow to get into the subject.He talked about recent social cases, and kept asking me about my teacher's work. Even after Hatsumi brought coffee, he continued to talk about irrelevant topics. Finally I couldn't help asking: "By the way, how about my novel? If it's not good, I hope you can tell me the truth." He finally put away his smirk and told me his thoughts: "I think it's good, but the title is not very appropriate." "You mean...not bad, but not great, either?" "Well, to be honest, it's true, I don't feel any characteristics that attract readers. For example, it seems that the ingredients are good, but the cooking method is wrong." "Specifically, what's wrong with it?" "Well, maybe the characters lack charisma? But is it because the story is too complicated?" "You mean the overall layout is too small?" "It seems to be." Then he continued, "But as far as an amateur writer is concerned, this is pretty good. The writing is still in the past, and there are transitions, but it lacks the charm of professional works. If the story is just good, cannot become a commodity." Although I was mentally prepared, I was still disappointed to hear such an evaluation.If there are obvious shortcomings, it's fine to fix it, but the comment of "good-looking but lacking in charm" taught me that there is no way to change it.To put it another way, that's what it means to be "born with a lack of talent." "Then I will keep this topic, and it would be better to write in another way?" I was not discouraged, and tried to talk about my future writing goals. However, Hidaka shook his head: "It's not good to be obsessed with one topic all the time. Just forget about the pyrotechnic master. If you don't do this, I'm afraid it will be difficult to make progress. I advise you to write a completely different story." His suggestion sounded quite reasonable. So I asked him, if I had written other stories, could I ask him to read them for me?He answered very happily. After that, I started working on my next work right away.In practice, however, it didn't go well.My first book was written with no distractions, but when I was writing the second book, I became so critical that sometimes it would take me an hour to sit at my desk to decide how to use a word.There is a reason for this, because I became aware of readers.The original work was not written for the purpose of being read by people, but this time the work has a reader like Hidaka.I seem to be a little nervous about this.Later, I also realized that it is not a good thing to care too much about readers. Maybe this is the difference between professional and amateur? The second book was difficult to produce under such circumstances, but I often visited Hidaka's house during this period.We were childhood friends and played together, so it was only natural that our friendship resumed.For me, it is very interesting to learn about the lives of active writers, and for Hidaka, it may also increase opportunities to contact the outside world.Because once he accidentally revealed that since he became a writer, he has become increasingly alienated from the crowd. However, I have ulterior motives in going to Hidaka's house, and I have to confess that.I look forward to seeing Hatsumi Hidaka, she always greets you with a smile every time I go to her house.Compared with heavy makeup, I think she looks better in home clothes. She is the ideal woman in my mind.Of course, I have never seen her well-dressed appearance, maybe she will transform into a breath-taking coquettish girl, so she will be compared with Hidaka for speed dating, right?However, in my heart she will always be the beauty of IKEA. Once, I went to visit her without prior contact, with the excuse that I happened to be nearby. In fact, I unconsciously wanted to see her smile.Rigao happened to go out that day, so I had no choice but to greet and go back home, because the person I was going to visit in name was Rigao, not her. But fortunately, Hatsumi kept me.She said she had just baked a cake and wanted me to try it.Although I shouted to resign, I didn't want to give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity at all, so I went in cheekily. The next two hours were a truly blessed time.I was very excited and started talking nonsense, but instead of showing disgust, she smiled softly like a girl, which made me ecstatic.I think my face must have been very red at the time, and I still remember the refreshing feeling of the cold wind blowing on my face after I said goodbye. Later, under the guise of discussing creation, I frequently went in and out of Hidaka's house, just to see Hatsumi's bright smile.Hidaka didn't seem to notice anything. In fact, he also had his own considerations when he met me, which I only found out afterwards. Finally, my second book is done.I hurriedly showed Hidaka and asked him what he thought. Unfortunately, this book still did not get a good response. "It feels like a very ordinary romance novel."——This is Hidaka's impression——"There are a lot of stories about teenagers obsessed with older women on the market, and they should add some new ideas. There are also female novels. The part of the protagonist is also not handled well, lacking a sense of reality, it seems that it is made up by myself." What a cruel criticism!I was hit hard, especially the last few lines, because the heroine Hidaka rated as "unrealistic" was based on Hatsumi. "Do I lack what it takes to be a professional writer?" I asked Hidaka. He thought for a while and answered me: "Anyway, you have a fixed job, so there's no need to be so impatient, right? I think it's better for you to have the mentality of publishing a book whenever you want, and write it as a hobby." These words were of no consolation.Once, I was narcissistically thinking that I had written the second book anyway, so it should be regarded as an achievement.Where is my weakness?I am really very upset. "Cheer up!" At this time, even Hatsumi's gentle encouragement was useless. Probably a deep blow, coupled with the result of chronic lack of sleep?After that, my body went from bad to worse.The cold did not heal for a long time, and eventually became a lingering disease.At this time, I deeply understood the hard work of single life. I was huddled in the cold bed alone, and the feeling of misery almost overwhelmed me. At this time, I was overjoyed, and luck fell from the sky.I also told Detective Kaga about this, yes, Hatsumi came to visit my family.When I saw her through the doorhole, I thought for a moment that a fever had knocked me out of my mind. "I heard from my husband that you had a cold and didn't go to work at school," she said.When Rigao called the day before yesterday, I did mention to him that I was sick in bed. Ignoring my gratitude and surprise, Hatsumi went to the kitchen to help me cook and even bought the ingredients.My head was dizzy, of course it was because of the cold. Hatsumi's vegetable soup is very special, no, to be honest, I couldn't taste it at all at the time.However, as long as I think that she is here for me, and even cooks for me, I feel extremely happy. Because of this illness, I asked the school for a week off.I have a thin body, and it is not easy to get well whenever I get sick. This has always troubled me, but only this time, I have to be grateful for this physique, because during this period, Hatsumi actually visited me three times.The third time she came, I asked her if Hidaka asked her to come. "I didn't tell him I was coming," was her answer. "why?" "Because..." She didn't continue, but asked me, "Can you not mention it to him?" "I don't care." Although I really wanted to know her thoughts, I didn't ask further. After recovering, I thought I must thank her, so I decided to invite her to dinner, because if I gave a gift, Hidaka would not be able to find out. Hatsumi seemed a little hesitant, but she agreed.She said that in two days Rigao will be going to other places for interviews, so we will make an appointment at that time.I have no objection. We went to a kaiseki restaurant in Roppongi together, and she stayed at my house that night. Regarding our relationship, I once said to Detective Kaga that "it was just a momentary infatuation". I would like to make a correction here. We love each other from the bottom of our hearts.To her, I have no frivolous heart at all.When I saw her for the first time, I knew that she was the person I was destined to meet, and the serious relationship between the two of us can be said to have sprouted from that night, right? However, after a while of affection, I heard surprising news from Hatsumi about Hidaka. "My husband seems to be lying to you." She said sadly. "What's the meaning?" "He prevents you from being a real writer and wants you to give up the writer's path." "Is that because my novels are boring?" "No, it's not like that. I think it's just the opposite. He's jealous because your writing is more interesting than his." "how come?" "I didn't think so at first, no, it should be said that I didn't want to think so. However, apart from this, I really can't find any other reasons to explain his weird behavior." "how to say?" "I remember that when you sent him the first work, he didn't plan to spend a lot of energy on reading it at first. He once said that helping amateur writers to see things that are not popular will even lower their own taste. He even said that it’s fine if you can just flip through it and explain the past.” "Yeah? Is that so?" This is quite different from what Hidaka herself said, and I urged her to continue as I thought about it. "However, after he started reading, he was completely addicted to it. I know his personality very well. He is impatient, and as long as he feels a little bored, he will throw things aside without saying a word, so he will be so Reading your novels seriously, I can only say that I am attracted by the world you describe." "However, he said that work does not qualify as a professional novel." "That's why I noticed his attempt. You called several times before, and he told you that you haven't watched it. It's a lie. I think he hasn't thought of a way to deal with you yet? And he finally The conclusion you got must be to deliberately belittle your work and make you stop thinking about becoming a writer. He obviously read your work so seriously, but said it is not interesting, I have always felt very strange after hearing it.” "He read my works seriously because we are good friends from childhood!" I couldn't believe what she said, so I argued.However, she firmly denied that: "He is not that kind of person, he is not interested in anything but himself." Hearing her tone so sure, I couldn't help feeling puzzled.I really didn't expect that she would look at her husband who was married after falling in love in this way. However, if you think about it carefully, if she hadn't become disillusioned with her current husband, how could I have taken advantage of it?Thinking of this, my mood is a little complicated. Hatsumi also told me that recently Hidaka encountered a bottleneck in his creation and seemed very anxious. He couldn't think of what to write and almost lost confidence.Perhaps it was because of this that he felt jealous when he saw me writing new works one after another as an amateur. She said: "In short, Mr. Nonoguchi, you'd better not go to my husband to discuss writing. Someone who is more interested in helping you." "However, if Rigao really doesn't want me to debut, he can just tell me to give up. Why do you help me read the second novel..." "You don't know him. The reason why he doesn't tell you clearly is to prevent you from going to others to discuss. He makes you hold on to hope so that he can tie you down. In fact, he said he would introduce you to a publishing house or something. , That's not the case at all." Hatsumi said in a different tone than before. In any case, I can't believe that Hidaka harbors such malice in his heart, but I don't think Hatsumi is talking nonsense either. "Anyway, it's better to observe for a while." I said.Seeing my attitude like this, Hatsumi seemed a little worried. However, it is an indisputable fact that the number of times I went to Hidaka's house decreased after that.The reason why I did this was not to guard against Hidaka, but actually I was afraid of meeting Hatsumi in front of him.I can't guarantee that when I meet her, I can pretend that nothing happened.Hidaka is a keen observer. Once he finds that I am looking at Hatsumi in the wrong way, he will definitely notice something. Having said that, it would be impossible for me not to see her for several days.However, it is too dangerous to have a tryst outside, so we decided to have Hatsumi come to my house after a secret discussion.I think the Kaga detective should know that people rarely come to the apartment where I live, and the neighbors hardly see anyone coming in and out of my house.Moreover, even if she is really seen, since no one knows who she is, there is no need to worry about strange rumors spreading. After calculating the time for Hidaka to go out, Hatsumi came to my place.Although she never stayed overnight here, she cooked and dined with me several times.She always wore her favorite apron back then, yes, the one the police found.Watching her stand in my kitchen in her apron felt like a newlywed. However, how happy we are when we get together, how painful it is when we are apart.Whenever she had to go back, the two of us were always relatively silent, staring at the hands of the clock resentfully. "It doesn't matter if it's just a day or two, it would be nice if it was just the two of us." We often say this.Even though he knew it was impossible, he couldn't help but have such a dream. Finally, one day, the opportunity to realize the dream came.Hidaka was going to the United States for a week on a business trip, so he and the editor were the only ones to go, and Hatsumi stayed to look after the house. I thought to myself, such an opportunity is once in a lifetime.Hatsumi and I were excitedly discussing what to do if it were just the two of us, so we decided to take a trip to Okinawa.I have already found a travel agency and even paid the deposit. It doesn’t matter if it’s only for a few days. Being able to get along like a husband and wife is like a myth to us. However, the full expectation turned out to be nothing.As you know, our trip to Okinawa didn't materialize.Hidaka's trip to the United States was temporarily canceled. It seemed that it was planned for a certain magazine, but the plan was called off before the trip. I don't know the details.Hidaka seemed disappointed, but that paled in comparison to us. A beautiful dream was shattered, but I want to be with Hatsumi more than ever.Even though they had just met, they hoped to see her right away the second after they broke up. However, the number of times she came to me has decreased significantly since then.After I learned the reason, my whole face turned pale. Hatsumi said that Hidaka may have discovered our relationship.Then she went a step further and said what I was most afraid of.She said: "Let's break up! If you let him know about our relationship, he will take revenge. I don't want you to get into trouble." "I'm fine, it's just..." It's just that I can't let her suffer along with it.According to Rigao's personality, it was impossible for him to sign the divorce agreement easily.Having said that, I can't imagine breaking up with Hatsumi. After that, I didn't know what to worry about for a few days.I put aside my teaching job and thought hard about a solution, and finally I decided. You should already know, right?No, since Detective Kaga has already guessed it completely, I don't need to emphasize it again-I decided to kill Hidaka. It may seem strange that I write so bluntly.To be honest, though, it didn't take long for me to hesitate to come to that conclusion.Frankly speaking, before this, I have been looking forward to Hidaka's death.I will not allow Hidaka to treat my beloved Hatsumi as his own property.People are really selfish animals!Obviously I was the one who snatched his wife, but I still have such thoughts.At any rate, for this reason, I dare not say that I had no thoughts of ending his life with my own hands. Of course, Hatsumi firmly opposed my proposal.She even shed tears and asked me not to commit such a serious crime.However, her tears made me even crazier, and I said excitedly that there was no other way to go except to kill Hidaka. "You don't have to worry about anything, this is all my own behavior. Even if I fail, or even get arrested by the police, I will never implicate you." I told her like this.You can blame me, scold me for being dazzled by love, I have nothing to say. Perhaps knowing that my mind was made up, or perhaps understanding that we could not be together unless this was the case, Hatsumi finally made up her mind and even offered to help.I didn't want to put her in any danger, but she was very insistent and wouldn't let me take the risk alone. Just like that, we planned how to kill Hidaka.Although the plan is not very complicated, we intend to make it look like a bandit invasion. Then, December thirteenth came. In the middle of the night, I broke into the courtyard of Hidaka's house. The costume I was wearing at that time was known to the Kaga detective.Yes, black pants with a black jacket.I should have covered my face. If I did, the situation would be completely reversed afterwards.At the time, though, it didn't occur to me to cover my face. The lights in Hidaka's studio went out, and I touched the sill of the window cautiously. The window was unlocked and opened without any effort, and I crawled inside holding my breath. On the sofa in the corner of the room, Hidaka was lying there.He was facing up, eyes closed, breathing evenly. He has a job due the next day, so he'll be stuck in the studio all night tonight.I have already confirmed this with Hatsumi, which is why we chose to start tonight. Here, I need to explain why Rigao went to sleep instead of doing his work.因为初美在消夜里动了手脚，她放了安眠药。日高平常就有服用安眠药的习惯，所以就算解剖时被验出来，也不用担心有人起疑。看到日高的样子，我确信一切都按照计划进行着——他工作途中突然睡魔来袭，所以躺在沙发休息，初美确认他已经睡着后，就把房间的灯关掉，帮我把窗户的锁打开。 说老实话，我个人比较偏好勒毙的方式。用刀子戳剌，光想就觉得恐怖。不过，要假装成强盗入侵，用刀子当武器会比较有说服力，打算闯入民宅的匪徒一定会带着比较像样的凶器。 要刺哪里才能迅速结束他的性命呢？我没把握，心想还是刺胸好了。这时，为了握紧刀柄，我脱下一直戴着的手套，想说待会儿再把指纹擦掉就行了。于是，我两手紧握着刀柄，将它高举到头顶。 就在此刻，难以置信的事发生了。 日高睁开了眼睛。 我整个人都愣住了，就这么举着刀子，一动也不动，连声音都发不出来。 相对于我的愕然，日高的动作倒是十分敏捷。等我回过神来，他已经制服了我，刀子也离开我的手上。我不由得想起，从以前开始，他的运动细胞就一直很好。 “你想干嘛？为何要杀我？”日高问道。当然我无法回答他。 于是他大声叫唤初美，不久，脸色铁青的初美进入屋内。从日高的声音里，她当下就知道发生了什么事。 “打电话给警察，说是杀人未遂！”日高说道。 不过，初美没有动作。 “怎么了？赶快打电话啊！别慢吞吞的！” “这……这个人可是野野口啊。” “我知道，不过，这不构成饶恕他的理由，这个男的竟然想杀我。” “说老实话，我……” 初美想说自己也是共犯，下过，日高却阻止她说下去：“你别说废话！” 听他这么说，我就知道了。日高发现了我俩的计划，于是他假装睡着，等我来自投罗网。 “喂，野野口！”日高按住我的头，一边说道，“你听过防范窃盗条例吗？里面记载着关于正当防卫的事。如果有人怀着不法意图侵入你家，就算你把他杀了也不会被问罪。你不觉得现在就是那种状况吗？就算我现在把你杀掉，也没有人会说第二句话。” 他那冷酷的语气让我不由自主地浑身发抖。我不认为他真的会动手杀我，却可以预见他会给我不亚于此的折磨。 “不过，这样做就太便宜你了，我也不会感到痛快……看来只好把你送去派出所了……”说到这里，他看了初美一眼，阴险地笑了笑，接着又把锐利的目光栘回我身上，“这样对我也没什么好处，不管我有多正当的理由可以杀你，把你送进监狱，对我的人生也没啥作用。” 我搞不清楚他到底想说什么，只是觉得心里发毛。 终于，他松手放开了我，拿起一旁的毛巾，包住掉落的刀子，将它捡了起来。 “恭喜！今天就先放了你，你赶快从窗户逃吧。” 我惊讶地看着日高，他正微微地笑着。 “干嘛一副难以置信的样子？趁我还没改变心意之前，你赶快出去。” “你有什么打算？”我控制不住颤抖的声音。 “现在让你知道就不好玩了。好了，你赶快出去吧。只是……”他让我看他手上的刀子，“这个我要当作证据留着。” 我心想，那把刀子真的可以当作证据吗？虽然那上面有我的指纹。 大概是看出我的想法，日高说了：“别忘了，证据不只这个，还有一样教你怎么都抵赖不了的东西，下次也让你瞧瞧。” What the hell is that?当场我实在想不出来。我望向初美，她的脸色一片惨白，只有眼眶红了。人类竟然会有如此的悲容，我从来没有见过，不，之后也没再见过。 在完全摸不清日高有何打算的情况下，我踏上了归途。就此消失好了，同样的念头我不知兴起多少次。不过，我终究没这么做，因为我心里挂念着初美。 那件事发生之后，我每天过着提心吊胆的生活。我不认为日高不会报复，只是不知以何种形式呈现，教我一直害怕着。 当然我没再到日高家去，也没跟初美见面，我们只通过几通电话。 “那天晚上的事，他提都不提，好像已经全忘了。”她这么说道。不过，日高怎么可能忘记？他的安静沉默，反倒让我觉得更加诡异。 他真正的报复要等几个月后才实现，我在书店知道了这件事。加贺刑警应该已经猜到了，没错！日高的新作《死火》出版了，那是由我的第一本小说《圆火》改写而成的。 我想，自己肯定在做噩梦。我怎样都无法相信，不，应该说不愿相信。 仔细一想，或许这就是最好的报复。一心想成为作家的我，痛苦的心就仿佛被撕裂一般，也只有日高想得出这么残忍的方法。 对作家而言，作品就好像是自己的分身，说得简单一点，那就像是自己的小孩。而作家爱着自己的创作，就好像父母爱着自己的孩子一样。 我的作品被日高偷走了。一旦他以自己的名义发表后，在人们的记忆里，《死火》将永远是日高邦彦的作品，文学史上也会这么记载。只有我出声抗议才能阻止这种情形，不过，日高早已预见，我绝对不会这么做。 没错，即使受到这样的对待，我也只能忍气吞声。若我向日高抗议，他必定会用这句话堵我吧？ “如果你不想坐牢的话就闭嘴。” 也就是说，如果我想揭发作品被窃的事，就得觉悟自己潜入日高家、想要杀害他的事也会跟着曝光。 有好几次，我想跟警方自首，顺便告诉他们《死火》抄袭我的《圆火》。实际上，我甚至已经拿起话筒，想打电话给当地的警察。 不过，我还是放弃了。当然，我害怕以杀人未遂的罪嫌被逮捕，但更教我害怕的是，初美会被当成共犯牵扯进来。日本的警察都很优秀，就算我坚持全是我一人所为，他们也会追根究柢找出证据。没有她的帮忙，事情怎能顺利进行？不，在这之前，日高就不会放过她。不管怎样，她都不可能无罪开脱。虽然我每日深陷绝望深渊，却依然希望只要初美过得幸福就好。看到这里，警方一定会苦笑地想，都这时候了，还逞什么英雄？我承认，我是自我陶醉了点。可是，若不是这样，我怎能挨过那段痛苦的日子？ 那段时间里，就连初美也想不出话来安慰我。有时她会趁着日高不注意的时候打电话过来，不过，电话两头除了令人窒息的沉默外，我们能说的也只有哀伤、无意义的话语。 “我没想到他会做出这么过分的事，他竟然把你的作品……” “没办法，我什么都不能做。” “我觉得对不起你……” “与你无关，只能怪我太蠢了，自作自受。” That's it.就算和心爱的人讲话，也无法让我开朗起来。我感到无比绝望，情绪荡到谷底。 讽刺的是，《死火》一书大受好评。每次看到报章杂志谈论这本书的时候，我的心如刀割。作品获得肯定，让我觉得很高兴，但下一刻，我就跌回现实——被褒扬的人不是我，而是日高。 他不但因此成为话题人物，甚至还获得颇具公信力的文学大奖。当他志得意满地出现在报纸上的时候，你可以想像我有多懊悔吧？好几个夜晚，我失眠了。 就这样，我郁郁不乐地过着日子，有一天，玄关的门铃响了。透过门孔向外望，我的心脏突然猛烈地跳动，站在那里的人竟是日高邦彦！自从我闯入他家以来，这是我们第一次碰面。那一刻，我想假装自己不在家。我恨他窃取我的作品，但另一方面，却也对他感到愧疚。 逃避也不是办法，我心一横，打开了门，日高挂着浅浅的微笑站在哪里。 “你在睡觉吗？”他问，因为我穿着睡衣。这天是礼拜天。 “不，我已经起来了。” “是吗？没吵到你睡觉就好。”他一边说，一边往门内窥探，“可以打扰一下吗？我想跟你谈谈。” “好是好啦，不过屋里很乱。” “无所谓，又不是要拍艺术照。” 成了畅销作家，拍照的机会也多了是吗？何必来此炫耀。 “倒是，”他看着我，“你也有话想跟我说吧？肯定有很多话。” I am silent. 我们往客厅的沙发走去，日高好奇地四处打量。我有点紧张，不知哪里还留存初美的痕迹。初美的围裙已经洗好，收进柜子里了。 “就一个单身汉来说，你这里还蛮整齐的嘛！”他终于说话了。 "yes?" “还是……有人会过来帮你打扫？” 听到这句话，我不自觉地看向他，他的嘴角依然挂着一抹冷笑，显然地，他是在暗示我和初美的关系。 “你说有话要谈，是什么？”我无法忍受这种令人窒息的气氛，催促他赶紧表明来意。 “唉，干嘛这么心急？”他抽着烟，聊起最近轰动一时的政治贪渎事件。这样慢慢地戏弄我，他肯定觉得很有趣吧？ 终于，我的忍耐到达极限，正当我想要发作的时候，他以事不关己的口吻说道：“对了，说起我那本《死火》……” 我不自觉地挺直背脊，期待着他接下来要讲的话。 “虽说凑巧，但我还是得因它和你作品的雷同说声抱歉。你那本书叫什么来着？《圆火》……记得好像是这个名字。” 我双眼圆瞪，凝视着日高镇静地说出这话的表情。凑巧？雷同？如果那不叫抄袭的话，干脆把这两个字从字典里删掉好了。我拚命忍住想脱口而出的冲动。 他马上接下去讲：“不过，光解释为凑巧似乎也不太对。怎么说呢？我在写《死火》的时候，因为读到你的作品，或多或少受到了影响，这点我无法否认。或许某些根植在潜意识的部分，正好被你的作品给引发出来了。作曲家不是常会碰到这样的情况吗？自己在无意识的情况下，竟然做出与别人相似的曲子。” 我一声不吭，静静地听他讲。这时我忽然有个很奇怪的想法，这个男的真以为我会相信这番鬼话？ “不过，这次的事情，你没有追究，真是太好了。毕竟我俩不是不相干的陌生人，还有过去的情份在吧？你没做出冲动的事，保持成熟理性的态度，对彼此都好。” 我心想，这才是他真正想说的话吧？ “不要轻举妄动是正确的，今后也请你把嘴巴闭好，别再提起这件事，这样，我也不会把你杀人未遂的事说出去……” 接着日高开始说些奇怪的话。 “现在开始才是重点。”他翻起眼睛盯着我的表情，“就像我刚刚讲的，因为种种要素的结合，产生了《死火》这部作品。这部作品受到很多人的喜爱，进而换来文学大奖的殊荣。这样的成功如果只是昙花一现的话，未免太可惜了。” 我清楚地知觉血液正从我脸部流失，日高打算故计重施！就像《死火》改写自《圆火》一样，他打算再次以我的作品为草稿，当成自己的新书发表。话说回来，我还有一本小说寄放在他那里。 “这次你打算抄袭那个是吗？”我说。 日高皱起了眉头：“我没想到你会用那种字眼，抄袭？” “反正这里又没有别人，没关系吧？不管你如何狡辩，抄袭就是抄袭！” 我出言激他，他却一脸祥和，面不改色地说道：“你好像不是很了解抄袭的定义。如果你有《广辞苑》的话，不妨查查看。那里面是这么写的：抄袭——擅自使用别人的部份或全部作品。哪，你听得懂我的意思吧？未经许可的使用才是抄袭，如果不是那样的话就不叫抄袭。” 我在心中暗自驳斥，《圆火》正是被你擅自盗用了。 “你打算再次把我的作品当作草稿来创作小说，却要我装聋作哑是吗？” 听我这么一说，他耸了耸肩：“你好像有点误会了。我打算和你做一笔交易，而交易的条件对你而言，肯定也差不到哪里去。” “我知道你要讲什么。你的意思是只要我对抄袭的事睁一只眼、闭一只眼，你就不会向警察告发那晚的事吧？” “你不要那么冲嘛！我不是已经讲过，那晚的事我不追究了？我所讲的交易是更具前瞻性的。” 这种事还有前瞻和后瞻的分别吗？I wonder.然而，我还是一语不发，盯着他的嘴角。 “哪，野野口，我觉得你是有成为作家的才能啦。不过，这和能否成为作家完全是两回事；再进一步讲，能不能成为畅销作家也和才能没有关系，要达到那个地步，得靠点特别的运气才行。那就仿佛是个幻想，若有人企图摘取它，只会大失所望而已。” 在讲这番话的时候，日高的表情看得出有几分认真。或许他自己就曾经历过销售量不如预期的痛苦时期。 “你一直以为《死火》之所以成功，是因为你的故事很精采是吧？当然这无可否认，不过光有这个是不够的。讲难听一点，如果这本书不是用我的名字而是用你的，你猜会怎样？作者的名字印上野野口修的话，会有什么结果？你有什么看法？” “这种事没做过又怎么知道。” “我可以肯定绝对不行，这本小说将会为世人所忽略，你只会感到空虚，就好像往大海投入小石子一般。” 他的论调十分偏激，但我却无从反驳。关于出版界，我还是有些基本常识的。 “所以，你就用自己的名字发表了？”我说，“你是说你这样做是正确的，是吗？” “我要说的是，对那本书而言，作者不是野野口修而是日高邦彦，是幸福的。如果不是这样的话，它不会被这么多人阅读。” “这么说来，我还得感激你呢！” “我完全没有这个意思，我只是说出真相罢了。任何作品要受到推崇，得有一大堆麻烦的条件配合才行。” “这不用你说我也知道。” “如果你知道的话，那应该也可以理解接下来我要讲的话吧？我的意思是，今后你就是作家日高邦彦。” "What did you say?" “你不要这么惊讶嘛！这又没什么大不了。当然我还是日高邦彦，你只要把日高邦彦想成书籍的贩售商标，不是人名就可以了。” 我总算听懂他想说什么了。 “简单的说，你是要我做你的影子作家啰？” “这名词听来好像猥琐了点，我不是很喜欢，”日高点头后继续说道，“不过，讲明一点是这样没错。” 我恶狠狠地盯着他瞧：“这种话，真亏你说得出口。” “我无意冒犯，刚刚我也讲了，这对你也绝对不是什么坏事。” “没有比这更坏的事了。” “你先听嘛！如果你肯提供作品给我，那出单行本的时候，我可以给你四分之一的稿费，这还不坏吧？” “四分之一？真正写书的人连一半都拿不到——这真是很不错的条件啊。” “那我问你，如果用你的名字出书的话，你以为能卖掉多少？会超出以日高邦彦的名义卖出的四分之一吗？” 被他如此质问，我不知道该怎么回答。假设以我的名义出书的话，不要说四分之一了，恐怕连五分之一、六分之一都不到吧？ “总之，”我说，“我不打算为钱出卖自己的灵魂。” “你的意思是不答应啰？” "certainly!" “噢，”日高露出意外的神色，“我真没想到你会拒绝我。”他那冷冶的语气让我不寒而栗。他脸色一变，眼底透着阴险的光芒，“我本想说不要撕破脸的，不过你没这个共识，我也没有办法。我也不用一直跟你客气了。”说完后，日高从身边的包包里拿出一个方形包裹，放到桌上，“这个我放在这里，等我回去后，你再一个人慢慢看。看得差不多了，记得打电话给我，希望那时你已改变心意了。” "what is this?" “看了就知道了。”日高起身准备离开。 他走了之后，我打开包裹，里面有一卷VHS的录影带。这时候，我还没明了过来，只是心中有一种不祥的预感。我把带子放进录放影机里。 加贺刑警应该已经知道了吧？萤幕上出现的是日高家的庭院。看到画面斜下方所显示的日期，我的心宛若瞬间结冻一般。那天正好是我计划刺杀日高的日子。 终于，一个男的出现在镜头前。他全身黑衣打扮，努力不引起别人的注意，不过，他的脸却被拍得一清二楚。Damn it!那时为何没想到要蒙面呢？ 任谁都可以一眼认出，侵入者是一名叫做野野口修的男子。这个愚蠢的男人完全没有意识到摄影机正对着他，蹑手蹑脚地打开面向庭院的窗户，潜入日高的工作室。 录影带只拍到这里，不过，却已足够成为充分的证据。假设我否认杀人未遂好了，那当警察问我为何要潜入日高家的时候，我要怎么回答呢？ 看完录影带后，我精神恍惚了好一阵子。脑海里不断响起，杀人未遂的那晚日高曾经讲过的话：“别忘了，证据不只这个，还有一样教你怎么都抵赖不了。”他说的就是这卷录影带吧。 正当我不知该如何是好的时候，电话铃响了，是日高打来的。他好像一直在监视我似的，时机刚刚好。 “看了吗？”他问。他的声音听起来好像觉得很有趣。 “看了。”我简短地回答。 “是吗？觉得怎么样？” “什么怎么样……？”我试着询问最在意的那件事，“你果然早就知道了。” "what?" “那晚我会……溜进你的房间，所以你事先就把摄影机准备好了？” 听我这么说，电话那头的他噗哧一笑：“你的意思是，我早就料到你会来杀我？那种事我连作梦都想不到呢！” "But……" “该不是，”他不让我说下去，“你自己和谁讲了吧？说你某日某时要来杀我。如果真是这样，难保隔墙有耳，被我不小心听到了也说不定？” 我警觉到日高想要让我说出初美是共犯的事实。不，讲正确一点，他知道绝对无法从我口中套出初美和我的事，于是他假装我已经说了。 见我无话可答，他继续说道：“我会装摄影机的原因，是因为那阵子经常有人到院子搞破坏，我是为了吓阻对方才装的。所以，会拍到那种画面，我连作梦也想不到呢。现在，我已经把摄影机拆了。” 他说的话，我一句也不信。不过，现在再说什么都太晚了。 “然后呢？”我说，“你让我看这卷录影带，是要我做什么？” “这种事还要我讲得这么白，你这不是装傻吗？容我提醒你一句，那卷带子是拷贝的，母带还在我手里。” “你这样威胁我，就算我勉强答应为你捉刀，也写不出像样的作品。” As soon as I said it, I regretted it.这摆明了，我已经屈服于他的胁迫。不过，我无力与他对抗也是不争的事实。 “不，你一定可以做得很好的，我相信你。”日高一副胜券在握的样子。对他而言，总算是突破障碍了吧？ “我再跟你联络。”说完后他就挂了电话。 之后的日子，我仿佛行尸走肉般地活着。我不晓得自己今后会怎么样。我照常到学校上班，不过，可以想见的，课上得一蹋糊涂。恐怕连学生都有怨言了吧？我甚至被校长叫去责骂了一顿。 然后，偶然之中，我在书店看到了。某小说杂志一举刊载了日高的小说，是他得奖后的第一部作品。 我以无法控制的颤抖双手迅速翻看那篇小说。这中间我感到一阵晕眩，几乎就要昏倒在书店里。不出所料，这本小说是以我交给日高的第二本作品为蓝图所写成的。 我陷入无比绝望的困境。每天都在想，那个杀人未遂的夜晚，自己是多么的愚蠢啊！我思量着，干脆找个地方躲起来算了。不过，我连这样的勇气都没有。就算我远走他乡让日高找不到我，也别想更动户籍，否则就不可能找到像现在一样的教职，那我要以何维生呢？身体瘦弱的我，没有自信可以从事劳动的工作。我第一次深刻地体会到自己缺乏谋生能力的事实。更何况，我心里惦记着初美。她又怀着怎样的心情，待在日高的身边？一思及此，我就痛彻心扉。 不久，日高得奖后的第一部作品也出了单行本，销售的状况十分不错。每次只要看到它挤进畅销书排行榜，我的心情就很复杂。极度悔恨之中又掺杂了那么一点骄傲。平心而论，倘若以自己的名义出书，确实不可能卖得这么好——这点我不是没有冷静分析过。 这之后又过了几天，某个星期日，日高再度登门造访。他大摇大摆地走进我的屋子，像往常一样，一屁股坐到沙发上。 “这是我答应你的。”他边说边将一个信封袋放到桌上。我伸手去取，往里一看，是一叠钞票。有两百万日币，他说。 "What's the meaning?" “什么意思？我没别的意思。我只是把卖书的钱拿来给你，按照我们的约定，四分之一。” 我惊讶地瞪着信封里的钞票，摇了摇头：“我说过不出卖灵魂的。” “你别大惊小怪，只要把它想成是我俩共同合作就行了。这种合作关系现今也不少见，领取报酬是你应得的权利。” “你现在做的，”我看着日高说道，“就好像把妇女强暴后，再给人家钱一样。” "no the same." "What's the difference?" “没有女人被强暴了，还默不吭声，而你倒是一点动静都没有。”日高说的话虽然无情，却让我毫无辩驳的余地。 “总之，这个钱我不能拿。”我好不容易挤出这句话，把信封推了回去。 日高只是看着信封，并没有动手收回的意思。他说，那就先放在这里好了。 “老实说，我来是想跟你商量以后的事。” "What's