Chapter 8 Incense sticks dedicated to a certain old man

March 1st Doctor Niijima suddenly asked me to write a diary.The doctor usually took good care of me, and it was really hard to refuse, so I agreed.But why do I have to write a diary?What can an old man like me write?He also gave me an old man's notebook, and I don't know if I will be able to finish it.But the doctor took care of me so well, it was hard to refuse, so I accepted it.It's the first time for me to write a diary. I don't know how to write it at all, and my headache is dead.I went to complain to the doctor, and he replied, I can write anything, just write down everything that happened that day.I said how can I remember so much in my head, the doctor said, just write what you remember.I will start writing.But what happened today, I can't remember at all, as if nothing happened.The only thing I still remember is that when I was in the hospital, Dr. Niijima asked me to write a diary. I have already written about this, so I will write here first. I haven’t held a pencil for a long time, and my hands hurt from writing.The last time I wrote in such a serious manner was when I was writing the team leader's diary in the factory.Thinking of having to keep a diary from tomorrow onwards makes me feel guilty.I have already forgotten a lot of Chinese characters, it's terrible, I could write a lot of Chinese characters before.But the doctor took care of me so well, it's hard to refuse.

March 6 It's been a while since I kept a diary.I asked the doctor a few days ago, and he said that I don’t need to write every day, but I can just write when I want to, so I have been procrastinating until now.I'm very lazy, so it's better to stick to writing every day in the future.Although the doctor was very considerate of me and didn't blame me a word, but if I were old tou lan, I would definitely cause him trouble. There's a lot to write about today.First, when I woke up early in the morning, my genitals were in excruciating pain. Recently, I have been doing this every day. I am really tortured.Although I put on two layers of long johns, I don't know if it will be useful, just for peace of mind.Now walking with crutches is getting harder and harder.Yamada told me that it would be easier to push a stroller, but I really didn't want to do that.

Another thing is that I went shopping today, and when I was about to go out, I found that I couldn't find my wallet, and I was so anxious that I couldn't find it.After searching around, I realized that it was in my right hand.It's been like this twice in the past three days. It seems that I have started to go into a daze. I can't remember a little thing, and I am so anxious that I can make trouble several times a day.Maybe it won't be long before I become like Okamoto.Okamoto always forgets that he has just eaten, and clamors for food from morning till night.His daughter-in-law complains when she meets everyone, so that everyone in the neighbors knows about it. I don't want to be like him.And I live alone, I am really going to be demented, and there is no one to take care of me.I would rather die before I become demented. Anyway, at this age, I am not afraid of death at all, and I have no worries. I just want to die before causing trouble to others.

March 10 Today I went to the bookstore to buy a dictionary.I think I should write more Chinese characters in the diary, and always use hiragana, which looks like a diary written by a child. (Chinese characters that are not commonly used in Japanese are mostly written in hiragana. Children learn hiragana first, and then gradually learn common Chinese characters, so they often use hiragana to write diaries. In the previous article, the protagonist also writes commonly used Chinese characters in hiragana, and the translation corresponds to pinyin.) So I went to the bookstore, but I was not sure what kind of dictionary to buy.The clerk came over and asked me what book I wanted to buy. After I explained it in this way, she immediately said, "This dictionary is good." She recommended a dictionary with a red cover to me.She said that the dictionary has large characters and looks convenient.I opened it and saw that the words were really conspicuous, and I could almost read them clearly with reading glasses on.I thanked her and bought it back.Now I just look up this dictionary and write a diary.It is time-consuming to look up word by word in the dictionary, and my eyes are sore, so I will stop writing here today.

March 11 I went to Tang Bookstore again today, because yesterday the clerk said that if you have any questions, you can go to the store and ask her.When I write a diary now, I look up the Chinese characters one by one and then write them. I feel very tired. I want to ask her for advice to see if there is any good way.As a result, she said that it is not necessary to write all the words in Chinese characters. If it is suitable to be expressed in Chinese characters, then write them in Chinese characters, otherwise it is useless to write them in hiragana.If too many Chinese characters are used, it will be difficult to recognize them. (The use of kanji and hiragana in Japanese has largely been established by convention. If you use hiragana to express words that are customary in kanji, it will cause inconvenience to reading, and vice versa.) So I will write less kanji today. After all, there is still no pu, maybe it will be easy to get used to it.It's so hard to keep a diary.

Having said that, that little girl is really kind, with a gentle personality, and my wife, Fumei, is also a gentle woman, but they look alike.I asked her name, and she said Chiharu Inoue.Sure enough, the person lives up to the name, and the voice is also very nice.If I have a son, I must marry her back as my daughter-in-law.No, my son is too much older than her, it should be the right age for my grandson. I haven't thought of Fumi for a long time, and I always feel sorry for her.Because of my physical problems, I have been unable to give birth to children, but my family blames Fumei.In fact, it was not her fault at all, but she silently endured it.When I also go to another world, I must make a good apology to her.

March 13 In the evening, Dr. Niijima called and asked me to go to Yitang Hospital.I thought to myself, I am afraid that the last inspection results found a problem.Although I am very worried, it is useless to worry. I have lived to this age, so I should be content.Having said that, on the way to the hospital, I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong. Doctor Niijima carefully asked me about my recent physical condition.I said to her: "Stop talking around in circles, just tell me what disease I have, I just want to know and get rid of it sooner." The doctor seemed to be puzzled, and then said to me: "You misunderstood, I came to you today. I would like to ask you for a favor." I felt very puzzled, what would a man as great as the doctor need my help for?

It turned out that what the doctor wanted to ask me was to assist him in the experiment.I asked what kind of experiment it was, and he replied that it was an experiment of rejuvenation, and the rejuvenation of human beings is likely to become a reality.I was taken aback when I heard that, and asked him if such a thing could be done?The doctor said that it is theoretically possible, and many animal experiments have been done so far. Indeed, some mice have become younger, but they cannot maintain their youthful state forever, and they will return to their original state after a period of time.I still don’t believe it when I hear this, no matter how advanced the medical science is, it’s incredible to be rejuvenated.If it could be realized, it would have caused a sensation all over the world.The doctor told me: "This research is still in the secret stage and has not been announced to the academic community. Please don't disclose it."

I asked the doctor why he came to me, and he said it was because I happened to meet the conditions.This is a secret experiment, so it is best for the subjects to have little contact with the outside world and no relatives, and of course a healthy person is more ideal than a sick one.Judging from these conditions, it seems that I am the most suitable. I said that I would go home and think about it carefully. After leaving the hospital and thinking about it when I got home, I always felt unbelievable, just like dreaming.How happy I would be if I could really rejuvenate my youth. Although the doctor said that it might only last for a short time, it would be great.

There are still many, many things I want to write, but too many thoughts are spinning in my mind, and I don’t know what to say, so I will stop here.It's almost time for bed, but I'll probably be too excited to sleep. March 15 I told Dr. Niijima that I would like to assist him in the experiment.The doctor was very happy, and asked me if it would be okay to have the operation on the 21st, and I said any day would be fine.The doctor said that after the operation, you will not be able to see anyone for a while, so if there is someone you want to see, you might as well go and meet now.I said I didn't have anyone I wanted to see, but the doctor said I wouldn't, so think about it, and meet anyone I want to see.I started thinking when I got home, but I still couldn't think of anyone to meet.I don't know any neighbors, and I haven't seen any relatives for a long time.I had a few friends before, but they were all one step ahead of me. Now the only one who can chat with me is Dr. Niijima.I often hear that some old people who live alone are found after being dead for many days, and I will definitely end up like this in the future.Usually no one comes to the door, and one day I die, maybe it will take two months to be discovered.Most of the people who found out were the boy from the landlord, and he was the one who came to collect the rent recently.If he sees me dead, he must be too happy, because he usually tells me to leave quickly.

As I write this, I suddenly think of Chiharu Inoue.If I can't see her, I feel empty in my heart. Let's go to the bookstore to see her tomorrow.She is so kind to me, I really want to buy some gifts for her, but I have no money, and I don't know what girls like. March 16 I went to see Chiharu Inoue today.In front of the station, I saw a seller of Dafu biscuits, so I bought them for her.She is happy and so am I. I told her that she would not be able to come for a while.She asked why, and I said I was going to be hospitalized.She asked what kind of illness she had, and I said that she was not sick, but something happened.She asked me to take care of myself with a worried face.This girl has such a good heart. Leaving the bookstore, I wandered around the shopping street.I haven't been here for a few days, and there are many unfamiliar shops, some of which I don't know what they are selling.All the shops are full of young people, and none of them are suitable for the elderly. Turn on the TV at night, there is no martial arts movie that I usually watch, but a football match.It's been like this lately, no matter how I switch the channel, it's all inexplicable programs, it's boring to death. March 20 I have surgery tomorrow.Hospitalized starting today.I don't know how the operation is done, and I feel a little scared.I still don't believe that rejuvenation is possible.Dr. Niijima explained a lot, but my brain is not clear, and I can't understand it.I told the doctor and I left everything to him. The doctor introduced nurse Hanada Hiroe to me, and said that she would be responsible for taking care of me from now on.Nurse Huatian is about forty-five or sixteen years old and looks very kind.She said that if you need anything, just look for her.I said, I don't know how many days I will stay in the hospital, I'm afraid I don't have enough clothes to change.Nurse Huatian replied, anyway, after a while, your current clothes should not be able to wear.I asked if the clothes would become ill-fitting?She said that was possible, but the main thing was that it would look out of place.I don't know what she means by that. Doctor Niijima asked me if I persisted in keeping a diary, and I said yes, although not every day.He said he would keep going.When he saw the dictionary I was using, he praised that it was good and looked very useful, which made me happy.In the evening, the doctor gave me another big lens. I don’t need to hold it up like a magnifying glass, just put it on the dictionary, and the words will be much bigger.This helped me a lot. The lights in the hospital are turned off at nine o'clock in the evening, but I can turn them off at ten o'clock.But the doctor said that the TV still only shows nine o'clock.It doesn't matter if there is no show I want to watch anyway. March 24 Had surgery three days ago.How on earth did I do it? I had a drenched head, and when I woke up, I was lying on the bed wrapped in bandages all over my body.I thought the whole body was cut open, but the doctor said no, only the spine and head were cut.I couldn't move for two days after surgery last night.It doesn't hurt anywhere, it's just that the body is lazy and weak.I finally got to be active today, so I wrote this diary.Doctor Niijima asked me how I felt, and I replied that it was okay.I'm tired, so I'm writing this. March 25 I feel much better.I asked Nurse Huatian to take a look in the mirror, and found that I didn't look young at all.I asked if it failed?Nurse Hanada said that the experiment has just begun.I asked her if she still needed surgery and she said no.I don't quite understand what she means. March 26 Doctor Niijima came over today and showed me something like a camera, saying he wanted to mount it on the wall.It turned out that it was not a camera, but a video camera that could transfer the captured images to the TV screen.He said he wanted to use this to take pictures of me, and when he didn't want to be photographed, he just told Nurse Huatian.I felt like I was being watched, and I felt uncomfortable, but seeing the doctor desperately begging me, it was really hard to refuse, so I agreed.I'm really tired, so I'm writing here today. April 2 In the past week, I have been so exhausted that I have been sleeping all day long, and the diary has also opened the skylight.Today I suddenly felt very energetic, so I just got up and took a walk.Ask the doctor, he said that you may still feel tired from time to time in the future, there is no way to do this, the most important thing is to eat well and get enough nutrition.It's not because he said that that I worked hard to eat, but today I really ate very deliciously, and I feel that I haven't eaten such a delicious meal for a long time.I told Nurse Huatian that the food here was really good, but she said it was nothing, it was because my body was thirsty for nourishment.She often gives injections to my arm, as if it is also for nutritional supplements. It may be that I haven't used my eyes for a while, but my eyesight is good tonight.Usually at this time, my eyes are so sore that I can't open them, but today I am fine, and I can see the words in the dictionary more clearly than usual. I feel hungry again, but the doctor told me that I can't eat any more today, my stomach will not be able to bear it.I'd better bear it and go to sleep. April 3rd I felt weird when I woke up this morning, but it's not that I'm uncomfortable. How should I put it, I just want to move around.As long as you calm down, your body will heat up.I told Dr. Niijima about the situation, and he said he would check it out for me.At that time, he measured my pulse and blood pressure. What caught my attention was that there were two strange men beside him.Afterwards, I asked Nurse Hanada, and she said that the two were also doctors and were very interested in Dr. Niijima's research.If this experiment is successful, the doctor will be famous all over the world.If this is the case, it is worthwhile for me to help the doctor. I just found out that the numbness in my knees has completely disappeared.I don't know if it's because of the warmer weather or the effect of the surgery, but it's really good. I can take a shower from today.The staff bathroom in the hospital is not big, but I haven't taken a bath for a long time, and I feel very comfortable.It may be because of the bath, the hands and feet are slippery. April 7 Three days ago, Nurse Huatian brought a lot of books to pass the time for me, history books, political books, all kinds of everything.I couldn't understand the books that were too difficult, so I picked the only martial arts novel to read.I didn’t read much novels at first, but this one was very exciting, and I was so fascinated by it that I finished it in one day.I asked Nurse Huatian to buy some more martial arts novels, because I couldn't wait, so I read other novels again.This time it is a modern novel, telling the story of the hero and heroine meeting and falling in love.I was bored watching it, but I was shocked to find that the two of them started doing that very quickly.The novel describes the mood as if it were real.I really didn't expect that such pornographic novels could be published now.It also surprised me that Nurse Hanada would buy this kind of book.Then I thought of Chiharu Inoue again, would she also sell this kind of book?Although it's just a job, such a good girl shouldn't be allowed to sell this kind of book, right? After reading this novel, my body also had an unusual reaction.I don't know how to put it better, but in the words of the novel, my dick stood up straight!The last time this happened, I don't know how long ago it was.I hesitated whether to tell Dr. Niijima, but in the end I decided to forget it. Having said that, the novel is really well written.If only I had the pen skills. Yesterday the doctor took me to another room, where there are bicycles that can’t move forward no matter how I step on them, and equipment assembled with iron frames.The doctor asked me to take turns to practice, it seems to be to test my physical strength, but also to exercise my body.He watched my movements very intently, jotting down a few strokes from time to time.According to the doctor, I will do these exercises every day in the future. I just finished exercising yesterday and didn't feel much. Tonight, my whole body is sore like hell.After I told Nurse Hanada, she applied a towel for me. April 9 Doctor Niijima is simply a genius!There is no water in what he said, I have really become younger!Today I felt it clearly. When I was taking a shower, my body was reflected in the mirror. I thought it was someone else, but after careful inspection, I was sure it was me who was more than ten years younger.Short hair grew on the top of the originally bald head, and the muscles became stronger. I told Nurse Huatian about these changes, and she said they had noticed them a long time ago.She also said that now I look about her age.She was probably just saying compliments. Watching TV at night, I felt the sound was very loud, so I turned down the volume.If it was in the past, I would not be able to hear it at such a volume.In addition, reading glasses are almost useless. I am very grateful to Dr. Niijima!He is such a living god! April 11 The cherry blossoms outside the window of the ward have all withered now.When I saw it, I couldn't help but feel how fast time passed. Nurse Huatian said to me, "I" is a self-proclaimed name used only by the elderly, and it is better to say "I" in the future.I said it was embarrassing, but she said, "I" is not in harmony with who I am now.So I made up my mind to change my tongue, but my tongue almost got stuck. Nurse Hanada also pointed out many other tone corrections.In fact, I didn't mean to say that, but I unconsciously put on the tone of an elderly person. I asked Nurse Huatian if "I" should be used instead of "I" in the diary. She said that no one else would read the diary, so she could use anything, but it would be better to change it.She brought me another book, saying it was for my reference when writing a diary.It was a collection of essays by a well-known author.I originally wanted to imitate the style of the book to write a diary, but whenever I want to use a difficult word, I always don’t know how to write it. It seems that I need to read more books. There is another happy thing.Doctor Niijima has agreed that I can go out freely next week, but the condition is that I will be accompanied by Nurse Hanada.I said, isn't it like a date?Nurse Hanada looked embarrassed when she heard that.It must not be happy to be made such a joke by an old man. Anyway, I haven't been on the street for a long time, and I'm looking forward to it. April 13 Today is my first time out after surgery.In order to avoid trouble caused by acquaintances, I wear a pair of light-colored glasses, the lenses are without prescription, and my presbyopia is almost healed. Besides glasses, Nurse Hanada also prepared clothes for me.Seeing that they are all high-end products, I suddenly feel at a loss.Even when I was young, I didn't wear such good clothes, and I couldn't help but cringe.But Nurse Hanada said, "It doesn't matter, it must fit well", so I mustered up the courage to put it on.When I stood in front of the mirror and looked at it, I just felt very shy and embarrassed to look at it carefully.Later, Dr. Niijima also came and said that the clothes fit perfectly, so I was relieved. When it comes to shopping, I don't know where to go, so it's all up to Nurse Hanada to decide.She suggested to go to the lively places first, so we got on the tram.There were so many people in the car that none of us had seats.Opposite is the love seat, but the young people sitting there did not give up their seats to us.Nurse Huatian said that it was because none of us looked like old people.In fact, I no longer suffer from backache and leg pain after standing for a while as before.It's nice to be rejuvenated. The place we arrived was full of people, and there was a street full of high-end shops, so Nurse Huatian and I walked along that street.I am not used to dressing in suits and ties, and the more I walk, the more uncomfortable I am, and I care a lot about the way other people look at me.Nurse Huatian said to me: "It's okay, just walk forward with your head held high, you look like a very dignified gentleman." We wandered around clothing stores and galleries, and everywhere we went was magnificent.I didn't know until today that there is such a prosperous place in the world, and that life can be so rich, and I can't even imagine it in my dreams.All along, I don't understand anything, I only know how to work, eat, sleep, grow old year by year, and then wait to die.Just having the chance to learn about such a world is not in vain for me to undergo surgery to rejuvenate my youth. When visiting a jewelry store, Nurse Hanada has always been keen on browsing women's watches, and the clerk kept recommending them to me.At that time, he recommended a watch of the same style as a husband and wife, which seemed to be called a pair of watches.When I said we were not husband and wife, the clerk immediately panicked.Nurse Hanada didn't say anything, just laughed. In the evening we had dinner at a restaurant.It was the first time in my life that I visited such an elegant restaurant.Nurse Hanada ordered meals, and I learned how to use a knife and fork from her while enjoying French dishes.In addition to being ecstatic, I didn't taste much of it.I thought to myself, in the future, I also need to learn more about food. On the way back to the hospital, I thanked Nurse Hanada for giving me a valuable experience and a very happy one.Nurse Hanada said she also had a good time.I thought that would be good, she is really kind. April 14 I stayed in the room all day today chatting with Nurse Huatian, this is the first time I heard her talk about myself.Her husband died two years ago, and she has lived alone since then, with no children.I said, isn't that about the same as me, she smiled and nodded. She was forty-three years old, but she couldn't tell at all.No, it should be said that she has suddenly become younger recently.Maybe it's because I'm getting younger and younger that I feel this way when I look at her.Anyway, for some reason, I suddenly felt that she was very beautiful. I told her that I hope to date again, and she smiled and said yes.I say this from the bottom of my heart, but I don't know what she thinks in her heart. April 16 I asked Dr. Niijima about the future, and wanted to know how young I will be and how long I can maintain my youth. The doctor said that it is not very clear yet. Aging means the death of cells, but according to the doctor's research, not all cells die completely, and a considerable part of them stays in a state of suspended animation.This experiment is to wake up those suspended animation cells through a special method, prompting them to undergo new divisions. So rejuvenation doesn't mean young indefinitely.Only young to the point where it starts to age.But that's great enough.The human body begins to age around the age of twenty, so I should be as young as twenty.After all, this is only theoretical speculation and cannot be guaranteed.I'm probably only as young as I am now. But it doesn't matter, I am satisfied with my current body. The important thing is, how long can this state be maintained? The doctor said that the rats returned to their original shape after one to two months, but it is unknown whether this rule applies to humans.I asked if it was possible to maintain the current state forever, and he said of course it is possible, that is the most ideal result. I had a dental checkup and noticed thickened gums.I used to have only teeth that were fairly strong, and it seems that they are getting healthier now. April 19 Recently, I began to ponder the significance of writing this diary.Doctor Niijima asked me to write this, because he definitely wanted to record my spiritual changes.So won't my diary be seen by others sooner or later?Thinking of this, I dare not record it all. When talking about this concern to Dr. Niijima, he said that he didn’t intend to read my diary, and asked me to keep a diary in order to let me grasp the mental journey of this precious period.Otherwise, after the experiment was over, when the doctors asked me various questions, but I forgot all of them, wouldn’t it be a waste of time? To be on the safe side, I asked Dr. Niijima: "You really don't know how to read it?" The doctor said firmly: "Absolutely not." I am very worried that the diary will be seen by others, because there is something I am hesitating whether to write it or not.Since the doctor assured me so definitely, I decided to believe what he said and just write it down. That was yesterday.Nurse Hanada and I went to the street again, wandered around like last time, and then had a meal. But it will be different in the future, and I invite her to the hotel.I also think this is too straightforward, but I don't understand the world at all, and even this method, I have to rack my brains to come up with it. I don't know if she will nod, I'm not sure, I even think she might get angry.But she whispered: "Then it's best to reserve a room first..." It took me a long time to realize that she agreed. I can't write what happened in the hotel, it's like a dream anyway.I haven't had such a beautiful dream in decades. I'm not exaggerating. I really think it's worth dying right now. But after everything was over, Nurse Hanada said: "This is the first and last time." I asked her why, is it because I am actually an old man?She shook her head and said that on the contrary, you will keep getting younger, and before long, you will think that I am just a yellow-faced woman.I said that there will never be such a thing, no matter how your body changes, your mind will never change.She just smiled quietly and said, "Let's not be so sure." I am very troubled, how can she believe my sincerity? April 21 Nurse Hanada seemed to be avoiding me, she only came to the ward when she had something to do, and every time she was with Dr. Niijima, she refused to look me in the eye. The doctor told me that my physical age had returned to thirty-four or five years old, and told me to go to a hairdresser.My hair has grown black and thick, and I measured it to be more than ten centimeters. April 24 My physical age has entered my twenties, and the results of fitness training have also been highlighted. After taking off my clothes, I have muscles all over my body, especially my chest muscles. I went to a hair salon to get my hair cut, and the barber asked me what I wanted to cut, and I said it was free, so he thinned the hair on the sides and the back of my head for me.Looking in the mirror, my face is the same age as my body, so it is not surprising that I am in my twenties.I can't help thinking back to what I was doing when I was in my twenties.At that time, I was a lowly soldier, and I couldn't eat decent food every day, and I ran around on the battlefield covered in mud.Smelling the smell of gunpowder, listening to the roar of the officer, I didn't even have the time to think about whether this war was right or wrong, and I exhausted all my strength just by enduring the day after day.Every time I live until night, I breathe a sigh of relief, but then worry about whether I will die tomorrow.That's how I lived, and that's how I lived through the best years of my twenties. Now I am young again.I can do it all over again. Coming out of the hair salon, my heart skipped a beat and I walked towards home.Walking along the commercial street, I thought, now no one will see that I am that poor old man.Before I knew it, I had arrived in front of the bookstore, glanced inside, and saw Chiharu Inoue moving books, she didn't seem to notice me. I hurriedly left the bookstore and returned to the hospital.I can't get close to her like this. Nurse Hanada was changing my sheets in the ward.Seeing my hairstyle, she praised it as beautiful, but after saying this, she fled away.I hurriedly said, "Wait a minute!" I reached out and grabbed her right hand. At that moment, there was an indescribable unhappiness in my heart.I don't know if she noticed it, but she just gently broke away from my hand and walked out of the ward silently. When I grabbed her hand just now, I felt it was a middle-aged woman's hand.I thought she was very young before, but today I am dissatisfied with her skin.Thinking of what she said to me earlier, could it be that she expected this day?I think it should be impossible to have such an idea, but I can't deny it, and I can't help but get angry with myself. April 25 I am the worst man.After falling in love with Nurse Huatian for only a week, I clearly realized that my love for her had cooled down rapidly.When she came here with Dr. Niijima today, I kept paying attention to the fine lines on her face and the loose skin on her hands.In my impression, she should be younger!Anxiety made my chest tight. I have to admit that my feelings for Nurse Huatian have faded away, but my longing for another person has become stronger and stronger.Needless to say, that person was Chiharu Inoue.I just glanced at her yesterday, but her shadow is already engraved in my heart, and I will never forget it. I want to see her, I can't wait.I want to hear her voice, I want to talk to her, I want to see her smile. Standing in front of the mirror and looking at myself now, how old do I look like?Twenty-six or seven years old?Or thirty-three or four-year-old?In any case, she shouldn't recognize me as the bald old man.In this way, it is possible for me to approach her as another person. I plan to meet Chiharu Inoue when I am younger.The thought filled me with joy, and I fantasized endlessly about how to approach her, what to say to her. Forget about Nurse Hanada.I know I'm mean, but there's nothing I can do about it. April 28 The current clothes are too old-fashioned, so I decided to buy some new clothes.But I don't know where young people nowadays buy clothes and what styles they like to buy. I was confused for a long time, and finally had to ask Nurse Huatian for help.She brought a magazine (like a fashion magazine) that published a lot of young men's clothing, and asked me what I liked.I said I didn't understand, so she helped me choose a few suitable ones, and called the clothing store listed in the magazine to order directly. I thank her and say she is my benefactor.She just shook her head, telling me not to take her to heart. Then she suggested to me that it would be better to stop calling myself "I" and use "I" instead.I said that I had never used this word, and she said that this claim matched my appearance. In the evening, I practice alone while watching TV.Changing his words at first seems awkward, but if you want to chat with Chiharu Inoue, you have to practice Shun Liu first. Recently, the words have always stood up by themselves.When lying under the quilt, I will unconsciously reach out and hold it.I asked Dr. Niijima if I could only shoot for two hours a day.The thought of being under the surveillance of cameras 24 hours a day makes me very uneasy. The doctor replied that he would consider it. April 30 Today is a day worth remembering.I will never forget what happened today. Wearing new clothes, I took to the streets with only one destination—the bookstore where Chiharu was. I walked into the store with trepidation, and she was sitting in front of the cash register.I took out the red leather dictionary she recommended to me from the bookshelf, and went to check out when there were no customers.Of course she didn't recognize me and went right past the book I handed out. "This dictionary seems to be very useful. Someone told me that you once recommended it to him." Hearing what I said, she looked very surprised and looked at me carefully.It can be seen from the expression that she remembered something. "You belong to that old man..." she asked. "Grandson. I heard that you take good care of grandpa." Qianchun smiled sweetly, then stared at me carefully again, saying that I look a lot like my grandfather. "Because of blood relationship." I said. She asked how my grandfather was doing and whether he was still in the hospital, and I replied that I was afraid he would stay there for a while. Then I boldly opened my mouth and asked her when she got off work.She said that the bookstore is open until nine in the evening, but she leaves work at five. "When you get off work, let's have a cup of tea together?" After I finished speaking, my heart was pounding. Chiharu hesitated for a moment, then nodded in agreement.I had found a coffee shop in front of the station in advance, so I hurriedly asked her to meet there. As I waited in the coffee shop, I was very nervous, afraid that she would not come.But Qianchun showed up around 5:10, dressed in blue and looking very cute.I've only seen her in uniform in a bookstore, and for a moment I almost thought I recognized the wrong person. I talked to her about the books I had read recently, which was the only topic I could find at this time.I am not completely ignorant of popular fashion and news hotspots, but I am not sure that I can chat with young people without showing any flaws.Thankfully she didn't seem bored by what I said.Because she works in a bookstore, she also seems to love reading, especially a lot of foreign books, which I admire from the bottom of my heart. We talked for two hours in the coffee shop.She told me that she hadn't talked so much about books in a long time.It didn't sound like a polite gesture, so I couldn't help but feel relieved. Finally she asked about my occupation, I thought about it, and answered that I was doing mold processing in an accessory factory.She asked me what it was for, and I introduced the die-casting process.I haven't talked to anyone about it in twenty years. When I was leaving, I asked her if I could meet again in the future, and she nodded with a smile.That was an angelic smile. May 1st Today I went to the bookstore again, and made an appointment with Qianchun at five o'clock.If she hates me, she should refuse. Since she agreed, it means at least she doesn't hate me. When asked about her family background, she said that she had parents and a younger sister, but now she left her hometown to live alone, working in a bookstore during the day and going to a junior college at night, and wanted to become a writer in the future. She commented on my choice of words, saying that young people seldom speak so formally as I do. "In doing so, I feel like I have to be polite with my words, and I feel a little nervous," she said.The implication is that I should speak casually. After I came back, I watched TV and carefully studied the way I spoke, but it was very difficult to change. May 3rd Chiharu is on vacation today, so let's go to the movies together.This was agreed when we met yesterday.Including today, we have met for four consecutive days. The recent movies have been nothing short of phenomenal.Even though it was just a special effect, it still made me scream unceasingly.After the movie, she smiled and said, "You always look calmer than your actual age, but today you look like a child." 然后她又加了一句：“怎么觉得你长相也愈发年轻了，看起来好像比我还小。” 听她这样说，我不禁吃了一惊。今天早上我就注意到了，虽然我对她说自己二十五岁，但看起来只有二十岁，这么说来，莫非我还在不断年轻？如果再年轻下去，我就无法去见她了。真担心！ 看完电影，我们一起去用餐。那家餐厅我以前和花田护士去过，服务生看到我，似乎有点以后，但应该不可能发现吧。 五月九日 新岛大夫提醒我，最近外出次数太多了。确实，这几天我频繁往外跑，说白了，几乎每天都去和千春见面。 因为我总是很想见到她。每次刚分手，马上又盼着再会。我恨不得一秒钟都不离开她。 新岛大夫似乎觉察到我在与谁约会。他忠告我说： “你要尽可能地克制自己，避免和别人建立太深的感情。这是为你好。我想你心里应该有数，虽然你现在恢复了青春，但究竟能维持多久，谁也不知道。” 我很不舒服。我自然明白这个道理，正因如此，我才要抓紧时间与千春见面啊！ 现在我的年轻化进程似乎已经停止，我停留在二十二三岁，和千春年龄差不多。不管怎样，总算松了口气，但是否真的可以放心，我心里也没底。 五月十三日 这篇日记本该昨天写的。可昨晚实在没心情。 昨天我第一次和千春的朋友见了面。共两男三女。在小酒吧里。千春介绍说，他们都在朝着作家的目标奋斗。 千春的朋友们讨论的话题很难懂。我插不上嘴。最近虽然读了很多书，文学理论方面的还是啃不下去，只能在一旁喝着啤酒，默默洗耳恭听。 聊了一会儿，话题不知怎的扯到了二战上，那些事，我不愿回忆也不想听，可他们的议论却硬往我耳朵里灌。 “根本没有哪个老人觉得自己做了坏事，”一个男的说，“那些老头子都以当过兵打过仗为荣，可你一提到慰安妇的事，他们就假装听不见。” “对于战争给邻国带来的苦难，他们嘴上说反省、反省，其实只是讲得好听罢了。” “最好的证据就是，那些家伙一旦当上大臣，就会得意忘形地爆出真正的想法，三天两头发表不负责任的言论。” “太愚蠢了。” “脑子有毛病吧，才会跟美国这种超级大国开战。” “这个问题也从来没有人认真反省。” “还说什么'战争就是青春'咧。” 听着听着，我的脸色越来越难看，真想把耳朵塞住。回过神时，我已霍然站起。他们以为我有什么事，茫然地抬头望了过来。我朝着他们怒吼： “你们懂什么！你们有什么资格将这种话！那时候大家可是拼了命去打仗的！” 话一出口，我就知道自己把气氛全搅了。但我并不后悔，要我忍住不吭声是办不到的。 我一个人离开了小酒吧。过了片刻，千春追上来向我道歉。 “他们是酒喝多了，才会这样信口乱说。我也忘了你和爷爷感情很深，没有制止他们，对不起。” 看来她以为我是替爷爷打抱不平而发火。 我抬头望向天空。乌云密布的天空看不到一颗星星。 “阴沉沉的天气最可怕了，”我说，“根本看不到B29轰炸机的踪影。只听到灰色天边传来引擎的低低轰鸣，声音愈来愈近，接着响起'铿'的金属声响，很快又是'咚'的一声，等炸弹炸下来了，才知道挨炸的是什么地方。刚才他们说得没错，那场战争一点胜算都没有，可又有什么法子？” “是你爷爷跟你说的吗？” 千春问。我含糊地应了一声。 回到医院，我去洗了把脸，发现眼睛下方出现了细纹。 五月十七日 现在来写写这两三天发生的事。事情很多，但我一直下不了决心写下来。新岛大夫保证过不会看我的日记，但现在我已经无法相信他。作为研究者，他怎么可能不想看这份日记呢？尽管如此，我终究还是提笔继续写下去，因为我想以某种形式记录下我的第二次人生。这不是为了别人，是为了我自己。 让我先从结论写起。毫无疑问我已经开始衰老，并且速度非常快。就像我数十年前经历过的那样，衰老首先从头发开始。粗硬的头发减少了，纤细脆弱的头发不断增加。现在还不太明显，但早晚都会从额头一路秃上去。 脸上的皮肤也逐渐丧失弹性，眼皮松弛，眼角的皱纹日深一日，怎么看都不像是二十三四岁的样子。 前天我回了一趟公寓，想把家里打扫一下。我知道以后和千春见面的机会不多了，哪怕一次也好，我想邀她到家里拥抱她，也算是青春的回忆。 那栋公寓没有任何变化，锈迹斑斑的楼梯扶手，多处开裂的墙壁，一切都是老样子。 我的房间也和我离开时一模一样。不过是两个月前的事，却仿佛已是遥远的往昔。看到丢在一边的秋裤，我想起曾经穿过这种东西；闻到房间里熏染的老人特有的体臭，我想起这是我的气味。虽然都是不愉快的回忆，此时重新接触，却令我涌起怀念之情。 我再次确认，迟早我会再回到这里。我终将变回当初那个孤独的老人，弯腰驼背，皮肤上满是老年斑，手脚枯瘦衰弱，每到寒冷的早上膝盖就会发麻。 最终我没有打扫就离开了。出门时，正遇到邻居冈本。他推着婴儿车蹒跚地走着，看了看我，却丝毫没有反应。我想这并不是因为我年轻得令他认不出来，在他的眼睛里，似乎只看得到某个遥远地方的景色。望着他瘦弱的背影，有那么一瞬间，我仿佛看到了自己。 昨天我去向千春告别。为了不让她看出我的衰老，我跟她约在咖啡厅幽暗的角落。当我告诉她，我必须去远方工作时，她显得很悲伤。 “你还会回来吗？” “会吧。”我回答，接着又说，“也许我爷爷会代替我去看你。” “他出院了？” “应该快乐。到时候，你会很亲切地对待他吗？” “当然。”她说 回到医院，花田护士正在病房里等着我。窗边摆了个花瓶，里面插着一朵白蔷薇。看到我回来，她仿佛知道发生了什么，紧紧地抱住我。我在她怀里失声痛哭。 五月二十日 我请求新岛大夫让我回家。新岛大夫面露难色，多亏花田护士帮我说情。 我极力避免照到镜子，或站到玻璃窗前。眼看着自己一天天衰老，让人情何以堪。 然而衰老依然以各种方式提醒着我。我的体力、耐力和心肺功能都显著下降。为延缓老化，我尝试进行体能锻炼，但就像用铁通从即将沉没的船里舀水，一切都是徒劳。最后我放弃了。 我不想变老，我想停留在现在。神啊，帮帮我吧！ 五月二十二日 今天花田护士来看我，我对她说：“你看我现在衰老的程度，刚好和我们约会的时候差不多。”她一下子哭了。真不想看她哭，想哭的是我才对吧！可是我如今这个样子，已经不适合像年轻人那样哭哭啼啼了。我只能强忍泪水。 视力障碍也出现了，是老花眼。 五月二十三日 只不过在屋里走动走动，却老是绊倒东西，看来运动神经也在退化。看电视的时候，声音也小得听不到。 五月二十四日 花田护士来看我，但我没让她进屋。我不想让她看到我现在的模样。只看手臂上的皮肤，我就知道皱纹已经逐渐爬满全身。 现在我害怕睡觉。想到一觉醒来，自己不知又将变成什么样，我就怕得要命。 五月二十五日 有什么好怕的？我又不是变成妖怪，只是恢复原本的模样罢了。这两个月来，大夫让我做了一场美梦，这已经足够了。以后不要再自称“我”了，那都是假的。是“俺”、“俺”！ 五月二十七日 俺还是害怕。到底在怕什么，俺也不太明白，可就是害怕。 五月二十八日 俺不知道俺现在变成什么样了。好像已经恢复了原来的样貌，又好像还没有。但不管怎样，俺都会不断衰老，然后在不久的将来死去。 No!俺不想死！俺不想死！ 可又有什么办法呢？都到了这把年纪，总不能老是逃避这个事实。 俺也会死吧？死了会到哪里呢？会不会有人为俺悲伤？会有人在坟前给俺上香吗？