Chapter 34 Chapter Thirty-Four

I went to the phone, threw it in, and dialed Jane's number. No one answered. Very good, I thought.I have kept my word.Of course, I could have dialed the wrong number, or the phone company made a mistake. This kind of thing is not unheard of. I put the copper plate back into the coin slot and dial it again.I let it ring twelve times. No one answered. I have done my duty.I took the copper back and went back to the bar.My change was still there, and the two cups were still there.Bourbon and water. I thought, why? The case is closed, the case is solved, and it can be let go.The murderer can never kill again.I did a lot of things right and am very happy with how I handled the case.I'm not nervous, anxious, or depressed.I'm fine, for heaven's sake.

And right now on the bar, right in front of me, is a double shot of bourbon. I don't want to drink, I haven't even thought about it, and there's wine in front of me, and I'm going to drink it all. Why?What the hell is wrong with me? If I drink this damn glass of wine, even if I don't die, I will have to go to the hospital for emergency treatment.It may take a day, a week, or a month, but what is due will definitely come.I know and I don't want to die, I don't want to be hospitalized, but here I am sitting at a bar with a glass of wine in front of me. because--

for what? because-- I left the wine at the bar.I left my change at the bar.I walked out. At eight-thirty, I walked down the basement stairs into the meeting room at St. Paul's Church.I grab a cup of coffee and some biscuits and find a seat. I thought to myself, you almost drank it.You don’t drink for eleven days, then walk into a bar you have no reason to be in and order a bourbon that you have no reason to drink.You almost raised your glass, just a little bit, you worked so hard for eleven days and almost gave up all your efforts.What the hell is wrong with you? After the chairman's speech, introduce today's speakers.I sat there trying to hear his story, but I couldn't.My mind kept coming back to that annoying bourbon.I didn't want to drink it, I didn't even think about it, but I was deeply attracted by its magnetic force like iron filings.

I thought: My name is Matthew and I think I'm going crazy. The speaker is at the end.I applaud with everyone.I go into the bathroom at halftime, not because I need to, but just to avoid talking to people.I went back to the meeting and grabbed another cup of coffee that I didn't need or want.I considered putting down my coffee and heading back to the hotel.Damn, I haven't rested for two days and one night. It's better for me to sleep. Why go to this party that I can't listen to? I took my coffee, went back to my seat and sat down. I sat still during the discussion time.Others' words rolled back and forth like waves.I just sat there and couldn't hear a word.

It is my turn to speak. "My name is Matthew," I say, then pause and start over. "My name is Matthew," I said, "and I'm an alcoholic." Then the most damning thing happened.I started to cry.