Chapter 8 chapter eight

The next morning I bought the News.A new atrocity has pushed Kim Duckinen off the front pages.A young resident surgeon at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital was shot after being robbed on Riverside Drive in Uptown Heights, Washington.He didn't fight back, but the robbers shot him for no reason.The deceased's wife is pregnant and will give birth in February. The tragic death of a prostitute has been moved to the inside section.Nothing was reported beyond what I had heard from Durkin the night before. I walked outside for a long time.At noon, I went to the YMCA, but my mind was disturbed, so I left while expressing myself.

At the Broadway deli, I bought a pastrami sandwich and drank a stout.I had another beer with dinner.At 8:30, I returned to St. Paul's Church, walked around the neighborhood, and returned to the hotel without going to the basement meeting room. I force myself to stay in the room.I want to drink, but I've already had two beers and have decided on a daily ration of two drinks.As long as you don't exceed that limit, I don't think you'll get into trouble.Whether you drink it in the morning or before going to bed, whether you drink it in your room or in a bar, whether you drink it alone or in a group, it's all right.

The next day, Wednesday, I got up late and went to the Armstrong Bar for a late breakfast.I walked to the city library, stayed there for two hours, then sat around in Bryant Park until the drug dealers got on my nerves.They have completely made the park their domain and in their opinion only potential buyers bother to come here, so people keep coming over to peddle stimulants, tranquilizers, marijuana, LSD, and god only knows Some of the things that make you can't even read a newspaper. I went to the party at 8:30 that night.Partygoer Mildred drew applause when she announced that it was her eleven-year sobriety anniversary.She said that she has no secret, just quit day by day.

I thought to myself, if I don't drink before bed, I'm going to quit drinking for a day.I feel like, no matter what, I'm going to do this.However, I went straight to Polly's after the meeting and had two drinks in a row.I got into a heated discussion with a guy who insisted on buying me a third drink but I asked the bartender to switch to a Coke.I am very satisfied with myself, know my limit, and stick to it. On Thursday, I had a beer with dinner and went to a party.During the break, I leave there.I stopped at Armstrong's, but somehow managed not to order a drink and left in a hurry.

I was restless, in and out of Farrell's and Polly's, but never ordered a drink.The liquor store not far from Polly's is still open. I bought Dante bourbon to take back to the hotel.I shower first and get ready for bed.Then, I opened the bottle, poured about two ounces into the glass, drank it, and fell asleep. Woke up on Friday and I drank another two ounces of wine.I do feel the strength of the drink, very good.I didn't drink any more during the day.At bedtime, I had another drink and fell asleep. When I woke up on Saturday, I was clear-headed and had no urge to drink.I don't know why I've been so successful at controlling my alcoholism.I even thought about going to the party and sharing my secret with everyone, but I can just imagine their reaction.A knowing expression, a knowing smile.The self-righteous look of the sober.Also, just because I can control my alcohol intake doesn't mean I should recommend it to others.

Before going to bed, I had two drinks.Barely felt it, but I woke up feeling a bit groggy on Sunday morning, so I generously poured myself a refreshing drink to start the day.It works well. After reading the newspaper, I checked the party records and found that there was a party in Greenwich Village in the afternoon.I get there by subway.The partygoers are almost all gay.I slipped away during breaks. Back at the hotel, I took a nap.After dinner, I read the newspaper and decided to have a second glass of wine.I poured two or three ounces of bourbon into the glass and drank it down.I sat down and tried to read the newspaper for a while, but couldn't concentrate.I wanted to have another glass of wine, but reminded myself that I had finished my two glasses for the day.Then it dawned on me that it had been twelve hours since my morning drink, which was longer than the time between my drink the night before and this morning's drink.So, that morning glass of wine is long gone from me and probably shouldn't be counted as part of today's ration.That means I'm entitled to another drink before bed.Glad I came to this realization, I decided to reward myself for my insight with a good drink.

I poured a full glass of wine, the surface of which was less than half an inch from the mouth of the glass, and then sipped it carefully, holding the wine and sitting in the chair like a model in a handsome man advertisement. I was sane enough to know that it was the number of drinks that mattered, not the quantity, and then it occurred to me that I had lied to myself.My first glass of wine--if that's the first glass of wine--didn't have a few drops.In a sense, I also owe myself about four ounces of bourbon. I poured what was estimated to be four ounces and drank it dry in one gulp.I'm happy to note that alcohol doesn't particularly affect me.Of course I'm not drunk.In fact, I've never felt better in a long time.To be honest, it was too good to be in the room.I want to go out, find a suitable place, have a cup of coke or coffee.Not drinking, because first of all I don't want to drink anymore, and just as importantly, I've finished my two glasses for the day.

I drank a Coke at Polly's.Had a ginger ale at a gay bar on Ninth Avenue called the Kid Mitt.Some of the customers looked familiar, and I thought they might have been to the Greenwich Village party that afternoon. Walking another block in the direction of the city, I made another discovery.Now I have successfully controlled the amount of alcohol for a few days in a row. Before that, I didn't drink a drop for a whole week. Isn't that a proof?Shit, if I can limit my drinking to two drinks a day, that proves that I don't need to limit myself to two drinks.I had a drinking problem in the past, I can't deny that, but obviously I'm beyond that stage of my life.

So, while I don't need to drink anymore, I can certainly have another drink if I want to.And if I do want another drink, why not? I went into the bar and ordered a double bourbon, no ice.I remember the bartender with a shiny bald head, and I remember him pouring my drink, and I remember raising my glass. That's the last thing I remember.