Chapter 26 Section 18

After a long time, I have the desire to face the drawing board, but I don't want to draw, but think that this may be an opportunity to return to my original self.It was actually very painful, and what had once made me so happy now only made me anxious—and the realization of this created new pain. What I painted was the sunset fixed in the window frame and the messy desk by the window.It's not such a scene that attracts me, it's just that I haven't found anything else to paint.Anything goes, the important thing is to pick up the brush. It's been four days this week, and so far it's been ostensibly uneventful.The days at work are also peaceful, probably because everyone avoids me, and I try not to get in touch with others.

These few days I was obviously nervous, caring about other people's every move.Seeing people slacking off at work or hearing hopelessly vulgar conversations in the factory would set them on fire and make them want to hit them over the head with a wrench or a hammer.Why do I care so much about other people's shortcomings? The scary thing is that this idea may become a reality.I can't guarantee that one day I won't have the urge to stab Usui Yukio again. On the way back from Dr. Tang Yuan's place a few days ago, I went to the library to borrow a few books, all about the brain and spirit.In the past few days, I have been reading these books two hours before going to bed, trying to find out the reasons for those situations in my body.

For example, the book I read yesterday said: "In the past, people believed that there were supernatural things such as gods or souls in the brain, which controlled people, but in fact the brain is only composed of matter, and all functions of the brain should be explained by the interaction of matter, which is no different from computers. , but the basic function of the computer is to give one-to-one answers to propositions, while the human brain is an incomplete and rough system in theory. It can be said that this difference is the origin of the creativity of the human brain. In addition, because the composition The nerve cells of the brain nervous system are plastic, and learning and experience will change the nervous system. However, the learning ability of computers is limited to the scope of software, and the hardware itself will not change. That is to say, the most fundamental difference between the human brain and machines is that human The brain changes itself in order to function."

"Change" - this word echoes in my heart, and it is the most appropriate word to express my current situation.Change, and it is an indescribably great change.But, why did this change come about——I haven't found a satisfactory answer to this question.There has never been a clinical case like mine in the past, so I can't find the answer in the book. But I can't sit idly by, I must find a breakthrough.Although the trick of painting is naive, it can be regarded as one of the feasible countermeasures. But... I stared at the drawing board in a daze.The hands are moving, but not as enthusiastic as before, why is this?The former dream of being a painter seems to have no chance for me now.

I put down the pencil, and took out a sheet of paper from the desk drawer, on which was written the donor’s address and phone number copied from Dr. Domoto’s room—Tokio Sekio, his father seemed to be running a cafe. Dr. Tang Yuan denied it, but that question is always lingering in my mind - the influence of the donor.If personality traits no longer resemble your old self, the most plausible explanation is that they came from the donor.I can't laugh off the possibility like the Doctor did. I'm going to see Guan Gu's house.Get to know Tokio Sekiya, maybe you will understand something.

Putting away the note, I picked up the pencil again.Anyway, do what you can for now. I worked hard and finally finished the simple sketch.At this time, the doorbell rang. It's Ah Hui. "Good evening." She smiled. "Good evening." I said, confused.I haven't thought of meeting Ah Hui for many days, this is my true mood now.The scene of the date on last Saturday came to mind, I hoped that the previous happiness was only at that time—probably because of this kind of psychology, I blurted out indifferently: "What's the matter?" In an instant, her smile disappeared from her face, her eyes began to shake, it's over!It was too late when I thought so.Sure enough, she said, "It's nothing...just to see you. Excuse me?"

I regret it, what a slip of the tongue.In order to dispel her uneasiness, I had to put on a smile. "Nothing. I just happened to be resting and wanted to see you. What a coincidence, so I was taken aback." I'm sick of myself being so insincere, can't it be more natural? "are you alright?" "Well, it's good. I'm a bit busy with work, and I haven't contacted you for the past two days...Can I go in?" Ah Hui put her hands behind her back and looked into the room. "Ah, come in." She noticed the drawing board as soon as she entered the room. "Yeah, where are you drawing?"

"It's just for fun, not serious painting." I made such an excuse because I told her a few days ago that I stopped painting recently. "I'm starting to draw something different." She stared at the drawing board, "You said you didn't like landscape painting." "So it's a pastime. It's the same to paint anything. If you have a vase, you can paint a vase. Unfortunately, I don't have anything here." "Really?" She replied with a stiff smile, "The composition of the picture is weird, it doesn't really depict the scenery and desk in the window."

"There is no reason." I replied.Indeed, as far as I am concerned, the face method is very strange. The right side of the drawing board is on the right side of the desk, and the desk disappears in the middle. The left side of the picture is the scenery in the window, and the window is only on the right side, and the left side is missing. "It's a new try." "It's not that exaggerated." I said as I moved the drawing board and easel to the wall. Ah Hui made iced tea in the kitchen and put the cup tray in the middle of the room.We sat facing each other around it.

"Is there anything unusual in the factory?" "Nothing at all." "Oh... By the way, a strange customer came to my place today." As usual, her topic started from the painting shop, talking about customers who behaved strangely.Seeing her laughing up and down, although I didn't think it was very funny, I still pretended to smile. "Also, yesterday..." The conversation turned to television and sports.Her words stretched out like branches of a tree, and tightly knit together like rosary beads, with neither unity nor center--probably never had.I gradually became irritable and echoed with my mouth, but it was really difficult to keep up with her thoughts.Are all young girls like this?

When I came back to my senses, she was silently staring at my face. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Is there any TV show you want to watch?" she asked back. "No. What's the matter?" "Still talking." She pursed her lips, "You're too busy looking at the clock." "Really?" "Yes, you don't know how many times you have watched it. Why do you care about time so much?" "Unconsciously, I didn't think about it." I reached out and turned the alarm clock on the table.Looking at the time is indeed unintentional, but thinking about when she will go back is a fact, and this fact discourages me. "It's nothing, really." I tried my best to squeeze out a smile, "Come on, keep talking, where are you talking?" "Don't you mean the book from last time?" She started again, and I forced myself to concentrate on listening and must not think about anything else.I have to think this way - the time spent with her like this is precious and meaningful to me. "When I say this, you probably want to criticize me for being too involved. It's just the plot in the book. But I don't think so. Reading is a simulated experience. Of course I will think about it. The protagonist's life is to be alone..." Childish theories, boring, superficial, it hurts me to listen, but I have to try my best to ignore this pain, not lose the feeling of loving her, and cherish everything about her, including every word she says. Suddenly I felt sick, her voice seemed to come from afar, and her lips moved before my eyes like a separate living thing.I squeezed my glass of iced tea tightly. "By the way, I told her about the movie I saw last time. I knew she was a fan of Michael's movie, but I told her that it was too much to play a high school student. But she said, stop talking, I I just don't want to see him pretending to be tender so he can't go to the cinema. Everyone died laughing..." I started to have a headache, an uncomfortable feeling, tinnitus, cold sweat, numbness, and muscle stiffness. "...She's really good, she squinted her eyes when she saw Michael's obvious wrinkles, and said that it would look blurry—" At that moment, the voice of the sharp chef came between us.She opened her mouth halfway through her words, and lowered her eyes blankly, and I looked down too. The glass shattered in my hand and I crushed it.The iced tea was gone, and the carpet was wet with melted ice.Shards of glass pierced my hand, and blood flowed from the wound. "No, I have to hurry up!" She woke up suddenly, "Where's the first-aid kit?" in the closet. " She took out the first aid kit, checked my hands carefully, disinfected, applied medicine, and finally put on a bandage, asking, "What's going on?" "Nothing, too much effort." "This thing is not so easy to break." "There may be cracks, I didn't notice." "Too dangerous." After bandaging me, Ah Hui started to clean up the broken glass.She looked down, her brown hair falling over her freckled cheeks.Looking at her profile, I said, "Sorry, can you go back tonight?" Her expression suddenly froze, like a costume model.She slowly turned her gaze to me. "I'm not feeling well," I continued. "Maybe I'm tired from work and my head feels heavy." "What's wrong?" "Didn't you say you're tired? I've been pushing myself a bit lately." "But," she said with a serious expression, "this way I can't leave you alone. I can live here today, and tomorrow doesn't have to be too early." "Hui," I looked at her face and said softly, "Today, forget it." Her eyes immediately became moist, but before the tears filled her eyes, she blinked a few times and shook her head: "Yes, there are times when you want to be alone. Then I will clean up the glass before leaving, Mrs. It's dangerous." "No, I'll lift it myself." Just as she was about to pick up the debris, I grabbed her wrist.Probably because my actions were too rough, she looked a little scared.I quickly let go of her hand. "Okay," she put down the debris she picked up and stood up, "I'll go back." "I see you off." "No." She shook her head, put on her shoes, reached for the doorknob, and said back, "You'll tell me someday, right?" "Ah?" I was taken aback. "You told me, right? Everything." "I have nothing to hide from you." She shook her head two or three times, seemed to be crying and laughed, said "good night" and disappeared outside the door. I didn't move until the sound of her footsteps died away.I picked up the shards of glass and started the vacuum cleaner after carefully mopping the carpet.Thinking of the hysterical behavior just now, I am very depressed. What is that impulse?Did Ah Hui do something that made me want to smash the glass?She just wanted to have a good chat with me. "I'm not normal." I said it deliberately, thinking that it would allow me to accept the reality objectively.But I immediately found out strangely that for some reason, I used the word "I" that I never used to say.An unspeakable uneasiness hit me. A passage from the book I read last night emerged in my mind - the brain changes itself... Clearly, my heart was changing. Ah Hui, I used to love you, but now, the feeling of love is disappearing...