Chapter 18 scene nine

After waking up, I found something different from the surroundings.I got up from the bed, opened the curtains, and saw some white things falling one after another outside the window. It hasn’t snowed much in December in recent years, right?I searched my memory, but couldn't recall it at all. I shivered from the cold and went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker, and as I was buttering my toast, the phone on the table rang. "It's me." Mayuko's voice came, "Have you woken up yet?" "Just got up" I replied.In the early morning, especially the early morning on weekends, it is really good to hear the voice of a woman I like, and today is Saturday. "It's snowing"

"Yeah," she replied casually, as if she was thinking about other things.I had a sense of foreboding, which was fulfilled by her immediate words, "I want to talk about our date tonight" "Ok" "Think about it or forget it, I made a decision after thinking twice." I held the receiver in silence. Yesterday, I asked Mayuko to have dinner, and I hesitated for a long time before.In the past two months, I have called her every day, but I have never asked her about a date.The decision was made yesterday because she told me that Tomohiko had an appointment with her on Christmas Eve, next Tuesday.

"Why?" I calmed down for a while and asked her. "I still think our relationship is awkward and ambiguous" "There are a lot of women who ride a few boats" "That's what it says, but it doesn't suit my personality" "What do you do for Christmas, meet Chihiko?" "I made an appointment with him, but not with you. As I said, I have considered this matter for a long time" A sense of anxiety welled up in my chest. I was shivering just now, but now my body felt hot for no reason. "How do you feel about yourself?" I said. "Do you still like him better now?"

I felt that Mayuko was speechless for a while, and she said after a while, "If I say that, will you accept it?" "If the premise is true, but my feelings for you will still not change" There was an exhalation, which seemed to be a sigh. "Sorry, I can't answer your question right now" "Does that mean that you still can't decide which of us you like?" "It doesn't matter if you understand it this way, anyway, please allow me to reserve my opinion now" "How cunning" "Well, I understand too. So at least I don't want to make it look like double insurance"

"If you have to give up, I think you should refuse Chihiko." "Probably, no, I'm afraid that's the case. But there's another meaning to my saying I want to sit down with him." "Another meaning?" I still felt Mayuko's hesitation for a moment. At that moment, I expected what she would say, and guessed at the same time that this was a topic I was trying to avoid. "He's been acting weird lately," she said. "He's locked himself in the lab almost all day. It's still locked inside, and even I won't let him in. But he doesn't do any experiments, and he doesn't listen at all. I heard the sound, as if the lights were not turned on.”

"Research is not just about doing experiments" "I know this too, but this is too abnormal. During this time, I took advantage of him to peek inside when he occasionally unlocked the door. He turned off the light and remained motionless in a dark room. I entered the room Afterwards, he didn't seem to notice right away, he felt like he was dead. I asked him, what are you doing? His answer was, 'Thinking about something'" "That's what he said." "But it's like this every day, don't you think it's strange?" It's a bit weird, but I think it's better not to say it.

"There are always times when you do research. It happened from time to time in the past. You'd better not disturb him." However, this proposal did not work, and she began to touch the heart of the matter. "He only became like this after the research came to an end, probably around the end of September and the beginning of October." "So what?" I tried to be calm. "I always have one thing that I can't let go of, and it's about Shinozaki-kun." There was a thud in her heart, but she couldn't let her notice it. "Shinozaki? Is that the guy who resigned this fall?"

"I can't figure out how he resigned because it was too sudden" "Is something wrong all of a sudden?" "That's not what it means, I just don't understand... Anyway, I want to have a good talk with Tomohiko about this, please understand" "As a conversation between colleagues in the lab?" "yes" "Then I can't get in the mouth" "Sorry" "You don't have to apologize to me" After the phone call, the shadow in my heart could not go away for a long time.The coffee was ready, I poured it into a large mug, and drank it without sugar or milk.What is the grudge left in the chest, even I can't tell.Since she didn't seem particularly disappointed when she rejected her date tonight, it might be what she said about Chihiko that bothered me.

I didn't tell Mayuko what happened that night, but Chihiko and the others moved the coffin in the middle of the night.Of course, I didn't ask Chihiko anything, so I don't know what is in the box and what is their purpose. But I have my own imagination, which is consistent with the question Mayuko just raised. It was Shinozaki. After that day, Shinozaki disappeared, and then news came that he had resigned because of personal reasons. The box contained Shinozaki. This idea was not a whimsical idea, and it was quite reasonable.The question is, what kind of state is Shinozaki in it?

At this point, I stopped imagining.Although there is speculation, it will only make my heart feel heavier. The important thing is that there is no basis for this idea. I didn't tell Mayuko because I didn't want to scare her. As long as she doesn't know, she won't be implicated. Thinking about this, I'm a little confused. Is it really?Is that really the only reason I didn't tell her? wrong!Thinking back, it was entirely for myself that I didn't tell Mayuko about the coffin.For the sake of myself, I can't say it out. Once I say it, I'm afraid everything will be destroyed.

What is destroyed?Why was it destroyed?I didn't fully understand it myself, so I couldn't express it in words, but the fear was there and it sounded an alarm to myself. Mayuko meets Tomohiko on Christmas Eve, she might know something "something". I'm afraid of this!Now, the uneasiness spreading in my heart came from this. Monday is the emperor's birthday, so it is a three-day holiday starting from Saturday.Originally, if I could see Mayuko on Saturday night, it would be a kind of recovery for my body and mind, but in fact, I spent these three days doing nothing, and the only reward I got was watching the long-accumulated video and reading a documentary novel. Just as I was beginning my last night of the sabbatical, the doorbell rang.From the cat's eyes, I saw Zhiyan standing outside the door with a serious expression. "What's the matter?" I asked him, holding on to the doorknob. "Well, I want to ask you something." Zhiyan's expression was a little stiff, his thin face was paler than before, and he looked haggard. "Come in first" I told him that Ke Zhiyan was still standing at the door without taking off his shoes. "What's the matter with you, come in quickly," I said again. "No, it's fine here, it's going to be quick" "What's going on? Why are you so serious?" I wanted to laugh, but my face was also twitched. "Well, actually, I want to ask you for something" "what?" Tomohiko gasped, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Condoms" This time it was my turn to inhale, I crossed my arms and exhaled and said, "This is it" "You said it last time, it would definitely be embarrassing to buy it, so ask me to tell you when you need it, so I just..." I did say that, and when I said this, I was still qualified as Tomohiko's friend. "Well, I made a special trip just for this." I scratched my head, not daring to look at him, "I'm sorry to let you go for nothing, I don't have any on hand." "yes?" "Yeah." I nodded and looked at Zhiyan.He kept staring at me, too, without any sign of disappointment. "That's it, then I can't help it, so I have to figure it out myself." "Not only in pharmacies, but also in convenience stores" "Well, I know, I'm sorry to bother you." Zhiyan grabbed the doorknob. "How about we go have a beer?" "No, forget it today, let's talk about it later" Chihiko looked at me for the last time and walked out of the room. I was about to lock the door, but stopped after taking a step, because I didn't hear Chihiko's familiar footsteps in the corridor. The fellow must still be there, standing motionless outside the door. In an instant, I finally understood the reason why Chihiko came here, he came to confirm my mind, and now I have feelings for Mayuko, that guy must have no doubts. Chihiko and I stood across the door like a bronze statue. Although he couldn't see him, he was absolutely unmistakable, and he must have realized that I was also standing like this. This lasted for a few seconds, and I stood still as if I had been tapped, but there was a feeling of slowly collapsing in my heart.Just like the slow motion of the moment when the Amazon tree was sawed down on TV not long ago, the background music was "Requiem". There was a click, and the sound of Zhiyan taking the first step came from outside the door. This was like a signal to lift the spell, and my body could move.Hearing his footsteps fading away, I locked the door. At this moment, I felt a strange feeling in my heart. This scene seemed familiar, and I felt that I had experienced this scene before. No, that's not the case.I had a premonition of what happened tonight a long time ago: Chihiko came to my house and learned that our friendship between the two of us had come to an end.I don't know why, but I just know it. A severe headache hit me, making me a little nauseous. As midnight approached, I left the apartment.The cold wind suddenly cooled my warm body. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my fur coat and started looking for taxis as soon as I got out of the street. The breath I exhaled was milky white like the smoke from a cigarette. Finally I stopped a car, and after telling the driver "Go to Kouenji", I leaned on the back seat.My brain was running again in disobedience, I tried my best to stop it and then turned my head to look out the window. Even though it is the middle of the night, there are still as many vehicles passing by as during the day. I felt that I was looking at myself like a runaway horse with extreme calmness, just like a bystander, observing my actions and analyzing my thinking.And the next moment, the position changed again.I look at myself, and I can see what I'm going to do next, and what the outcome will be.However, I couldn't control it, so I could only watch with a cold eye. Vehicles enter the road leading to Kouenji from the No. 7 ring road.Stopping in front of the station, I paid the fare.The tram seemed to have just started, and many passengers came out of the station one after another.I followed them to a small shopping street, but none of the shops were open. I walked forward while thinking about the route I walked with Mayuko last time.Although I have only been here once, I am not lost at all.A few minutes later, a building full of white tiles appeared in front of me. Without thinking, I walked up a few steps on the front and pushed open the glass door.On the right hand side are the mailboxes of various households, and the nameplate of room 302 says the word 'Tsuno'.I took the elevator to the third floor, room 302 was just beside the stairs, and there was a doorbell next to the door. If I didn't ring the doorbell, my future would be very different, 'I' knew that and had a second thought that I shouldn't.But I pressed it anyway, 'I' saw myself stretch out my right hand from the overcoat, slowly raised it up, stretched out my index finger and pressed the doorbell.A bell rang at the door. Someone walked over, and I stared at the cat's eyes. At the other end of the glass, Mayuko's almond-shaped eyes should have appeared. The sound of unlocking was louder than expected, and when the door was half opened, Mayuko poked her face out.Her eyes widened, and her expression was mixed with anxiety, surprise and doubt. "What's wrong?" Her voice was a little hoarse, her hair was wet, she might have just taken a shower.In this way, there is indeed a fragrance. At this moment, it is not difficult to make up a suitable reason to leave this place on the spot. This idea flashed through my mind.But I didn't do it in the end.I can't restrain the strong impulse in my heart, I can't even restrain this matter, 'I' also know. I opened the door without saying a word, Mayuko yelled 'ah', I pushed her body and broke into the room.The other hand closed the door and locked it. "What are you doing?" Mayuko cast a questioning look at me. "I want to hold you" 'I' heard my voice. Mayuko glared at me and shook her head slightly. I reached out to her neck, and she couldn't help but backed away and avoided it. I took off my shoes and walked into the room, and took off my coat by the door. Mayuko stood quietly in the middle of the room, the TV was on, and on the screen a foreign man was singing a ballad with a hoarse voice.There is a glass coffee table in front of the TV. On it is a basket full of oranges, and there is a half-eaten orange next to it.There is a bed on the wall opposite the TV. I wanted to reach out to hug Mayuko again, but she leaned over and slipped under my hand, trying to escape towards the glass coffee table.And I grabbed her right hand suddenly, she lost her center of gravity and fell to her knees on the carpeted floor. I grabbed her hand and tried to pull her body over, but her expression was painful, so I relaxed a little. She shook her head silently, broke free from my hand, and then sat down facing me a little away from me. Her hands were tightly clenched into fists on her knees wearing sweatpants, and she looked at me faintly. With sadness. For a moment, that look made me hesitate, but it was only a moment after all.I grabbed her right hand again, and she tried to shake it off, but this time I didn't let go. She turned to run away, but I put my arm around her left shoulder and pulled her back. I looked at Mayuko's face from a close distance, and there was still a scent of soap, but the sadness in her eyes remained unchanged. Immediately, I couldn't move, as if being tied up, I just stared straight at her face, and she also stared at me intently. Suddenly, her whole body relaxed, and her body, which was as hard as a stone statue, suddenly became light and soft. I kissed her and hugged her tightly. Mayuko and I made love lightly, as if it were a ritual or a customary behavior, and the two of us didn't speak a word during the whole process.It was me who turned off the TV, and Mayuko who turned off the lamp.I took off her underwear and mine, all in silence. When the storm was over, Mayuko's head rested under my right arm, and I ran my fingertips through her hair.But it didn't take long for Mayuko to stand up from the bed quickly, her slender body looming in the darkness.She picked up the discarded clothes and disappeared into the bathroom.I turn on the desk lamp and turn down the light intensity to minimum. When Mayuko came back, she had already put on her skirt and sweater, her eyebrows were slightly frowning, and she couldn't tell whether it was because she was a little surprised by the light or the light was too dazzling. She sat down on the bed and was silent, but I still heard her small sigh. I folded my hand on hers and said: "Consider marrying me" Mayuko's shoulders twitched, and after taking a deep breath, she said without looking back: "This... I can't do it" "why?" She stood up again, walked to the entrance where the lights couldn't shine, turned her head and said: "You forget what happened tonight, and I will try my best to forget." "what happened?" "I mean, this is the first and last time" "Will you choose Chihiko?" "I feel like" she shook her head, "I don't have the right to choose" "What's the meaning?" "Sorry, please don't let me continue talking." Mayuko walked down the hallway and began to put on her shoes. "Mayuko..." "I'm going outside for a walk, please leave during this time, please" "Wait, I still have something to say..." But she ignored it and walked out of the room.I jumped up from the bed and hurriedly put on the clothes I had taken off. When I walked out of the room, she was gone.Should I wait for her to come back?I hesitated, and finally pressed the button for the elevator.Because I felt that as long as I waited she would not come back. I walked out of the building and sprinted back and forth on the road in the middle of the night in search of Mayuko. The cold air that hit my face quickly cooled my face and head, but my armpits were still sweating. I can't see Mayuko anywhere, but I still don't give up and still look everywhere.Wherever I went, I was greeted by lifeless, dark streets. Hatred for Chihiko arose in my mind, and this hatred was gradually expanding until it dominated my thinking. Mayuko is bound by that guy. If his body was the same as that of ordinary people, Mayuko must have made up her mind to break up with him long ago.However, to abandon him who is disabled, Mayuko can't do it anyway. That guy saw her kindness. He takes full advantage of this to get her. Without him-- If there is no Chihiko—— An evil thought gripped my heart tightly, and I couldn't help but turn pale when I realized that I had been victimized by it. No, that's not the case. At this time, I was no longer able to calmly judge my own thoughts, and it was not me at that time who was stunned. That is another 'I' watching myself. I stopped and looked around. 'Where am I?Where is this again? Suddenly, I understood everything. This is the past, the world in memory. 'I' is observing myself in memory. The alarm bell sounded in my heart, as if warning me: "I must go back", that was the voice in my heart. 'I' struggled, desperately trying to grab the air around me.