When I was in the fifth grade of elementary school, I became aware of human death for the first time.I think it was at the end of the Chinese New Year and not long after school started.It was my grandmother who brought me this experience.At the time, I was not sure of her actual age, but according to what my parents later told me, my grandmother should have just turned seventy. At that time, the hometown where I grew up was considered an ancient Japanese house with a long history.As soon as you enter the entrance, there is a long corridor in the front, and the Japanese room is side by side with the corridor, and the innermost one is the kitchen.At that time, the kitchen floor was still muddy, so you had to wear shoes even to cook. There was a back door next to the counter, and wine and rice sellers nearby would often come to ask if they needed to order.

Turning to the right in front of the kitchen, there is a corridor leading to a cottage built into the courtyard; that is the grandmother's room.Perhaps because I was a child at the time, I thought it was quite spacious, but there was only a small wardrobe in the room, and it was almost enough to make a bed and quilt, so it was a little more than two square meters at most.It is said that this room was converted into a room for nursing grandmother after remodeling the tea room which was originally smaller than it is now. As far as I can remember, my grandmother always slept in bed.Although she would wake up sometimes, I never saw her leave the bunk.I have only seen her working hard to straighten her upper body a few times while eating.My father seemed to have said that my grandmother had a problem with her feet, but I don't know what actually happened.After all, I don't particularly care about the fact that my grandmother always sleeps in bed, so I don't particularly want to ask for details.When I was sensible, she was already like this.Later, when I went to play at a friend's house and saw other people's grandmother walking around with a strong body, I felt that the other person was very strange.

From eating to taking care of grandma's surrounding affairs, Xiaofu is taking care of them.Xiao Fu lives near my house, and I don't even remember when she started coming in and out of my house.Probably when the grandmother was bedridden, the parents mainly took care of the grandmother and hired her as a maid. My father, Kensuke, was a dentist and had a small practice next door to our house.My father is not a second-generation dentist, but started his own business.Originally, the family owned a lumber store, but his father, the only son, was determined not to inherit it. I think it was the summer before my grandmother died, and my father was telling me why he chose to be a dentist.He said: "Because commodity trading will be affected by the boom." After dinner, my father served kimchi as a side dish and drank beer.I don't remember how I brought up such a topic, but it was probably about my future aspirations.

"In this regard, the profession of doctors will not be affected by the economy. No matter how bad the economy is, people will get sick. No, people will work harder in times of recession, so they are easy to get sick. No money is no money, but As long as one is sick one cannot work, so even if the rest of the economy is saved, the doctor must be seen." I asked my father why he chose a dentist?The father in shorts patted his thigh and sat down cross-legged with an expression that asked the question well. "Then what kind of doctor do you think is better?" My father asked me back.

"Internal medicine or surgery. Aren't there many kinds of doctors?" After I finished speaking, my father pursed his lips and smiled.His father, who is interested in fishing, is always tanned. Perhaps because of this, the deep wrinkles on his face look more than his actual age.As long as you smile, your eyes will be buried in wrinkles. "Why is that kind of doctor better?" "Because if the cold becomes popular, many patients will come and you can make a lot of money." After hearing what I said, my father laughed out loud this time, a little exaggeratedly, and made a "hahaha" sound.He drank his beer and fanned his face with a round fan.

"If a cold spreads, the number of patients will indeed increase, but the doctors themselves may also be infected." I let out an "ah". Father continued: "It's nothing more than a common cold. But there are many fierce types of colds. Go and show the infection! Then the clinic will have to be closed. Wouldn't it be a heavy loss? Although It is a doctor, but it does not mean that doctors will not get sick. From this point of view, at least dental disease is not contagious. Have you never heard that tooth decay can be contagious? From this level, ophthalmology and Dermatology is not so good, because diseases of the eyes and skin are contagious."

"But people who have a cold may also go to the dentist." "People who have a cold will patiently rest at home even if their teeth hurt a little. They usually go to the dentist after the cold is gone. Also, there are many medicines for colds or stomachaches, right? But toothaches are absolutely impossible without medicine And heal. If you want to be cured, you have to go to the dentist one day." "But when you are sick or injured and need surgery, doesn't it cost a lot of money? In this way, doctors can make a lot of money?" "Operation is surgery." My father put the cup on the dining table and sat down facing me again.

"Listen well, there are many reasons why Dad chose to be a dentist, just like the ones just mentioned, but there is one more important reason." Faced with my father's unusually serious expression, I straightened my sitting posture and listened. "The most important reason is not to have anything to do with human death. At least you don't have to think that patients will die from tooth decay. If you operate on a seriously ill patient and take out the bad part, if the patient is saved because of such a big project Forget it; if you die, you don't know how unpleasant the shadow will be cast in your heart. If you don't do it well, you may be resented by your family."

"But the doctor has tried his best, and there is nothing he can do about the patient's recovery." Father shook his head slowly. "People's death is not something that can be explained in three or two words. All in all, it's better not to have anything to do with people's death. Even if you know that you didn't cause it, you will still feel bad in your heart. " So it's better to be a dentist, this is my father's conclusion.Although I nodded, I felt that I couldn't accept it completely. After all, I didn't understand what death was all about at the time.

Her mother, Mineko, is an active and competitive woman.At least in my opinion, she is.My mother has a strong sense of numbers, and every night she puts some documents on the dining table and dials the abacus.It should be calculating the expenses or income of the clinic.Sometimes, my father would intervene from the sidelines, but my mother was in charge of accounting. Every month, a tax agent who came from somewhere would come to the house and talk to my mother about many things.The thin-faced tax agent always wears a gray suit. My mother was also helping out at the clinic, so whenever I came back from school, it was only Xiaofu and his grandmother at home.I think the nutritious lunch at school is unpalatable. There is almost nothing to eat. When I get home, my stomach is always hungry, and there will be rice balls prepared for me on the table.After my grandmother died, I realized that it was made by Xiaofu, not my mother, because since Xiaofu didn't come to the house, there were no rice balls on the table.

Even so, after all these years, for me, that onigiri is the taste of my mother.Whenever I think of the taste of that rice ball, I feel nostalgic and sad. My family has almost no experience traveling anywhere as a family.On Sundays, my father would go fishing, and my mother would mostly hang out with friends.Watching TV while eating the lunch Xiaofu cooked for me is how I spend my Sundays. Xiao Fu looks like someone from the generation of aunts, but maybe I thought so because I was too young at the time, in fact, maybe she was not yet thirty years old.I remember my mother used to say bad things about her as a "return" behind her back.The content is nothing more than that she finally married into a good husband's family, and returned to her mother's family in less than two years. It is not an option to idle at home, so she came to work in my house. When I was alone, she would often come and talk to me: "Xiaohe, are you lonely?" Then she played video games with me, or taught me how to change the rope.Sometimes, she would even tell me not to tell my parents, and secretly fry muffins for me.Although it is nothing more than frying flour and water, it is delicious to me, and even the smell of melted butter is different from before. I can no longer clearly recall what Xiaofu looked like at that time, at most, I can only vaguely see her long hair tied behind her head casually, and her round face outline. However, I do remember her complexion was very fair.No, it is not accurate to say that the complexion is white. To be correct, it should be that the buttocks are very white. I think it happened on a Saturday.That day I had an unnatural desire to enter the house through the back door, intending to surprise Xiao Fu who was preparing lunch in the kitchen. The little panel door to the kitchen was locked, but knowing that part of the wall was broken, I climbed in easily, and opened the back door quietly. Xiaofu was not at the counter, and she was nowhere to be seen in front of the gas stove.So I opened the door a little more and looked across the kitchen.At first glance, I thought she was not there, but Xiaofu was in the Japanese room next to the kitchen, with his back to me, and he seemed to be squatting.I walked in quietly, only to see her skirt lifted up, revealing her lower body, and my body froze as if tied up. There is someone under her body.The man was wearing navy-blue socks, with the soles of his feet facing me, and gray trousers that had fallen to his ankles. My gaze found the briefcase in the corner of the Japanese room. It was definitely the briefcase of the tax agent. Xiao Fu straddled the tax agent lying on his back, bobbing his butt up and down.At this moment, I realized that the two were panting fiercely, and the tax agent also made a sound similar to moaning. I see things I shouldn't see.This idea hit me, I walked out of the house with a stiff body, closed the door quietly, and then jumped out of the wall just like when I came in just now. I ran, just to shake off what I had just seen.However, even today, decades later, I can still clearly think of Xiaofu's white buttocks. These days, even schoolchildren have considerable knowledge about sexual behavior between men and women.But at the time I didn't know anything.Even so, I knew intuitively that I was seeing the privacy of grown-ups.I didn't tell my parents about it, not just my parents, I never told anyone about it. After that, I think my attitude towards Xiaofu has changed significantly.I never took the initiative to speak to her, and I tried my best not to approach her.But if I really want to say that I hate her, it doesn't seem to be the case.Maybe when I was young, I already regarded her as a mature woman, so when I found out that her nature was far from what I thought, I would feel timid. I don't know how far Xiaofu and the tax agent have developed and how long it lasted, because after that day, I never encountered anything that would remind people of their relationship.On the contrary, I know the relationship between her and other men.The so-called other man, needless to say, is my father. It was a national holiday, the clinic was closed, and my father went fishing as usual.But because my mother and I made an appointment to take me to the movies, I was in a good mood. However, just as we were about to go out, a friend of my mother called to find her.After the phone call, my mother said to me apologetically, "I'm sorry, Mom has something important to do. I'll take you to the movies next time. Just be patient today." Of course, I cried and complained to my mother, saying that she was too thieves, did not keep promises, and my mother was a scalper. At this time, even if the mother apologized with a confused face at first, once the limit of patience was exceeded, she would become angry from embarrassment.Her personality is just that.At that time, in the end, she also put on a frightening look to her son who kept complaining. "It's so noisy, what about movies and movies! What can I do if there is something important? Didn't I tell you to take you there next time? Then again, what about your school homework? There should be a family Homework? Don't just want to play, read books too!" I went upstairs with a mournful face, but my room was not on the second floor.At that time, I didn't have my own room, and the room on the second floor only had quilts and wardrobes for guests.As long as there is something unsatisfactory, I often run to this room and cry. My mother probably didn't bother to talk to me, a crybaby son, and went out without even looking at me. I recalled afterwards that Xiaofu should be at home at this time, but she didn't seem to hear the conversation between my mother and me, so I didn't know that my mother left me and went out alone. Soon after my mother went out, there was a noise downstairs.It was my father's voice, which startled me. It is reasonable to say that when he went fishing, he should not come back until night. There is also Xiaofu's voice downstairs. The two seem to be talking about something, but the content is not clear. Not long after, it seemed that someone came upstairs, and I panicked.Before, my father caught me crying in the room where the quilt was placed, and severely reprimanded me. I immediately hid in the cabinet, holding back my voice. Someone opened the paper door and walked in. I felt it was two people. "Where's mother-in-law?" I heard my father's voice was deeper than usual. "I just finished eating, I think I should be sleeping now." The other party was indeed Xiaofu. I feel like they are undressing.Xiao Fu made a sound similar to being coquettish. I don't remember much of what happened next, maybe because I was desperately trying to resist the sound of objects and the sound of two people in my ears, but I knew something good was going on outside the closet door.The figure of Xiaofu and the tax agent who I saw before appeared in my mind, and I clearly remembered Xiaofu's white buttocks. I don't know how long it took, probably about thirty minutes.The two of them left the room when they were done, but I stayed in the closet with my knees hugged for a long time, unable to move. I took the opportunity to go down to the first floor and quietly went outside.At this time, my father was no longer visible, so I walked into the house again and made a loud noise on purpose. "Huh? You're back already? Where's mom?" Xiao Fu who came out from inside asked with a surprised expression. I replied that we didn't go to the movies. "Then where were you just now?" Xiao Fu asked in surprise. "garden." "Park? Are you alone?" "Ok." I walked past Xiaofu to the living room where the TV was placed, but I couldn't see her expression carefully. In the evening, parents went home one after another.Father showed off the fish, saying it was today's harvest.Xiao Fu cooked that fish, and I thought to myself: "Which fish shop should I buy that fish from?" I love fish, but I didn't put chopsticks on sashimi that day.Everyone asked me what was going on, but I didn't answer.My mother said to my father that she was throwing a tantrum because she didn't take me to the movies. In that spacious home, I gradually lost my footing. It was at that time that Yokura Mochi started to become familiar with each other.He and I have been in the same class since we entered the fifth grade. At that time, we sat next to each other, but I never dreamed that this man would change my life. Kuramo is not particularly conspicuous, so he should be regarded as a lone ranger in the class.Even when the group got together to play dodgeball, he just watched from afar with a disappointed face, never wanting to join the group. And I am also a person who is not good at making friends, and I always avoid crowds, so people with similar temperaments will be like-minded.But as far as he was concerned, it was really unexpected for him to be considered in the same category as me.He always said that. "I hate a bunch of people chirping, as if they are very happy. Once there is a situation, you are the most important after all, so why bother to pretend to be in a good relationship, it's so boring. These guys just don't understand this One point, a bunch of brats!" It's ridiculous for fifth graders to call their classmates "little ghosts", but in fact Kuramochi is really a little adult. Although he is not very eye-catching, his grades are quite good.He taught me a lot of things that I couldn't learn in school.For example, there are often many charlatans near our school, and Kurachi told me about their tricks. Some of those entertainers have people draw lots for ten yuan once, and come up with prizes such as a wireless walkie-talkie for the first prize and a camera for the second prize to attract children.However, no matter how much a large group of children draw, no one wins the lottery, so those who walk around will see the timing, reach into the box to draw lots, open it, and it turns out to be the winning lottery, to show that there is really a lottery inside. Sign, not a lie. "It's a lie." Kuramo whispered in my ear. "The uncle hid the winning lottery in his fingers before reaching into the box. There is no winning lottery in the box." "That has to be told to everyone," I said. "No need." He frowned. "Ignore those idiots. They've got money anyway, so let them go." I think Cang Chi doesn't dislike charlatans, because whenever they show up, he will watch from the sidelines until the children leave, but he never pays himself.Looking back now, that may have been a lesson for him, a lesson in how to cheat people out of money. Cang Chi's family sells tofu. As the eldest son, he logically said that he should inherit the family business in the future, but he said he would never do it. "It's okay in summer, it feels quite comfortable to touch the water. But the problem lies in winter. Even if I don't do anything in winter, I seem to get frostbite. I don't want to put my hands in the water." He then added: "And a piece of tofu is only a few tens of yuan. How long will it take to do this kind of business. The best way to do business is to make a lot of money in one go." "Big stuff? Like houses or airplanes?" "That's fine, but there is also a way to sell a large number of small commodities in one go. In addition, you can also sell intangible commodities." "Intangible goods? What is that? How can you sell something like that?" I said with a smile.Kuramochi showed a disdainful expression. "You are really ignorant. There are many people who are buying short and selling short in this world." It took me a while to find out where he got these ideas from.At that time, I just thought that what this guy said was very strange. Kuramochi was also the one who took me to the video arcade for the first time.At that time, there were no video game centers, and only part of the playground on the roof of the department store would have game consoles.Of course, at that time there was no such thing as today's video game consoles, and the most common ones were pinball tables and shooting games. Cangche hardly ever spends his own money.First, he would take me to the console and tell me how much fun it was.At that time, he was talking so much, and his words also had a magic power that attracted me. After seeing what I meant, he said, "How about it? Do you want to play it once?" I said yes immediately, and pulled out my wallet. However, when I put the money into the machine, he said, "Let me demonstrate it to you first." Anyway, I wanted a template, so I agreed to him.So, he started the first round of the game. Some machines can be played again as long as the score is high.In games like this, he almost always plays first, and I put the coins into the machine.In fact, he hits high marks so I don't have to pay any more money to play, but even if he misses and doesn't hit high marks, he won't say he's going to pay.He just vented his anger on the machine unhappily, and I couldn't tell him to pay him back. Kuramochi often took me to fish and pinball shops.I have never seen such a store on days other than the first and fifteenth day of the junior high school, and I was really surprised when I went there for the first time. Cang Mo here also does not spend any money to press, but he will not plan to use my money to play.He would just watch from the sidelines while I was playing and sometimes give me instructions.I've asked Kuramochi several times why he doesn't play, and his answer is always the same. "I don't need it. I've played it too many times and I'm tired of it. And I like watching people play like this." Playing with Kuramochi, my pocket money kept decreasing, but I never wanted to cut off contact with him, because as long as I was with him, I would encounter new and interesting things one after another.The freshness became a comfort to me as I was about to lose my footing at home. When I don’t have an appointment with Kuramochi to play, I often go to Beshe.Grandma would shake my hand or pat my head, listening to me about school with seeming pleasure. But the truth is, I hate my grandmother. First, I hated the stench from my grandmother's body, which was a mixture of rancidity, dust and mildew, as well as the stench of ointment and mothballs.Grandma hasn't bathed for a long time, and it's Xiaofu's job to help her wipe her bath, but I have hardly seen Xiaofu wipe his grandmother's body. Also, the feel of my grandmother's skin offends me.Whenever she touched me with wrinkled, shriveled hands, I always felt a chill down my spine.To be honest, looking at her face was not very pleasant either.The eyes and cheeks were sunken, the hair had fallen out, and the broad forehead protruded, giving the appearance of a thin skin over the bones. If it's so annoying, why go to grandma's room?Because I don't care.As long as you keep talking to your grandmother about school, she will say so. "Ah... that's right. What if I don't give you pocket money." Grandma made a rustling sound in the quilt, then took out a cloth wallet, took out the change from it and gave it to me, telling me not to tell my father. I honestly accepted it and said thanks.It's an unthinkable thing for a child to be bedridden with money, but of course I didn't mention it to my parents.My family should be richer than other families, but my parents are very careful about spending money. As long as I don’t know where to go, I won’t even get a dime.If I tell them that my grandmother gave me money, they will definitely confiscate it immediately. However, my mother really hated my grandmother, and I often heard her speak ill of her on the phone. "I didn't expect to be bedridden at such an age. It's really annoying. But, fortunately, because I don't have to meet her in this way, I can just leave the care to the maid. Instead, I am happy. Get up and move around Walk around! I can't bear to think about it like before. What? Well, well, it would be nice if she did it earlier. Hehe." During the conversation, my mother lowered her voice to the lowest from time to time, and sometimes she smiled with other intentions, which made me feel her bottomless hatred for grandma.I also know the meaning of "it would be better to have it earlier". Afterwards, I heard from relatives that my mother has suffered from the bullying of her mother-in-law since she married. I'm not sure what my father thought of my mother, because I hardly remember him ever mentioning my grandmother.However, sandwiched between the old mother and the competitive wife, the father must have his own difficulties.I know that my father often ran away to other homes when my mother was not paying attention.At that time, the back of my father looked extraordinarily small and hunchbacked. But as long as I think of hearing Xiaofu's breathing in the cabinet, I will feel a little confused.The father actually hides his beauty in the golden house at home, and even asks the mistress to take care of the daily life of the old mother.To this day, his state of mind remains a mystery. In short, my family's hearts are completely twisted around the old woman sleeping in the other house.Perhaps the degree of distortion has reached its limit. The old woman died one winter morning, and it was I who found her. -------------------------------- Note: