Chapter 15 15. Menopause

These days, I'm suddenly annoyed.I don't know if this means my menopause is coming. The day has been arranged.In class, I just sit motionless; when the teacher asks questions, I cover my cheeks; when I encounter mental retardation, I raise my hands; I was in a daze; after class, I hung out with a group of temporary friends. More and more, I found that I have self-abuse tendencies. One day, I was "cracking rice".Suddenly a gust of cold wind blew by—the power went out.Dad cursed and lit the candles, asked me to do my homework, and then walked away. Seeing the candle light twisting left and right, it is clearly teasing me, asking me to get close to it.My hand just stepped out inexplicably.Step over the candle.I thought of a classmate who proudly told me about her candle burn scar, albeit so tiny it was barely visible.

My desire to have the candle burn me was getting stronger and stronger.I really want to taste the feeling of being scalded at that moment.I can't put my finger on it.The pen has no consciousness, and it doesn't know if I use it, so I put the pen on the candle as a matter of course.The pen came back to my lips.I didn't feel anything at first, but it seemed very warm and comfortable.It feels like saliva has just been licked on the mouth.Like dry bark suddenly meeting a second spring.But the taste in the mouth disappeared. I didn't know when I realized that my mouth had started to hurt violently.There was nothing I could do but lick my lips over and over again.When it hurts, it hurts more than life, and after the pain is over, it is very aftertaste.It's like the spicy dried tofu sold at the gate of the school.

It scares me so much.I think of the guardrail of my electric fan, "Shuke Race Horse". I always have a sacred wish for the electric fan, which is to stick my fingers in it and be twisted by it.I have long thought of the feeling of having my fingers twisted.The blood splatter is spectacular and heroic.All the unclean blood flowed out at once.Only clean things are left in the body, and the whole person is transparent and pure.No blood, no flesh, no bones, just a beautiful uniform shape.For a split second the gore came to my mind, but I refrained from thinking about it because it was disgusting and polluted my entire clean picture.

Fantasy is neither painful nor bitter nor sweet nor spicy.I also thought - death!I have never died, do I want to die too.That's not masochistic tendencies, it's suicidal tendencies.I was terrified: "Am I going to kill myself?" Let me talk about my outlook on life and death: Although I admire those who live for more than a hundred years without dying.But I don't really appreciate the old ones that have no style. I'm currently working on a very complex issue, how to commit suicide. The first thing I thought about was jumping off a building.Because jumping off a building can attract a lot of people watching, if possible, the TV station will also come.I can also meet negotiators.Hear him blind and poor.But jumping off a building is very dangerous.If you just want to scare people, and accidentally slip and fall, it's not worth it.Moreover, as soon as it jumped down, it was smashed into a muddy mess.The bones also broke into several pieces at once.It not only destroys the appearance of the city, but also disgusts the person who collects the corpse, which is not good.

Secondly, I thought of turning around and leaping into Hangzhou West Lake.I'm just like Hamlet's girlfriend Ophelia.Fluttering.That day I was going to wear a dress that didn't shrink and swelled up like a big bird. beautiful.But I can't afford the travel expenses.I really don't advocate waste.If it were simpler, jumping into the already unclear Xiaoqing River would be really bad. Then, I thought about drinking poison again.But according to experienced introduction, after drinking the poison, the stomach will be very painful, as if twisted.I'm squeamish and can't stand it.

Think about poison.I thought gracefully of hanging myself again.Throw the white silk on the beam of the house, kick off the mahogany chair, and you are dead.However, if I strangle my neck casually, I can't even choke. I guess I don't have the perseverance of Concubine Yang. It would be good to take sleeping pills.But I did some research and had to have a doctor's note.And you have to eat a lot.And it's bitter.Even if I have made up my mind to go, I still can't swallow this medicine. It's fine if you're stupid.I'm just afraid of ruining my reputation, leaving a laughing stock for future generations to laugh at.Where do I put my face?

Laughing to death, I can't catch my breath, and I can't stand the feeling of lack of oxygen. well!It's better to die!