Chapter 10 Chapter 8 Schweik was treated as a man who feigned illness to avoid military service

At the dawn of this great era, what military doctors never forget is to eradicate the ghosts of people who pretend to be sick and evade military service and have such suspicions, such as those with tuberculosis, rheumatism, rectal prolapse, kidney disease, diabetes, pneumonia and various miscellaneous diseases. patient. The tortures that people who pretend to be sick and evade military service should be subjected to are stipulated. The grades of torture are: 1. Absolute diet control—no matter what symptoms you suffer from, you must drink a cup of tea in the morning and evening for three consecutive days. Follow up with a dose of aspirin.

2. In order to prevent them from thinking that the army is all about eating, drinking and having fun, everyone takes a large amount of cinchona cream powder. 3. Gastric lavage with one liter of warm water twice a day. 4. Use enemas, soapy water and glycerin. 5. Wrap yourself in a sheet soaked in cold water. Some brave men were tortured in all five degrees, and then put into a small coffin and sent to the military cemetery for burial. However, there are also timid ones who declare that their symptoms have disappeared as soon as the enema stage comes, and their only wish is to enter the trenches immediately with the next advance team.

On arrival at the military prison, Schweik was locked up in a hut that served as a hospital room, where several cowardly dodgers were already staying. Next to the entrance, on the bed lay a dying consumptive man, wrapped in a sheet soaked in cold water. "This is the third one this week," said the man sitting to Schweik's right. "What's wrong with you?" "I have rheumatism," Schweik replied, and everyone around laughed.Even the dying consumptive, who pretended to be tuberculosis, laughed. "Rheumatism is no use here," a stout man said to Schweik in a heavy tone. "Rheumatism is no more likely to prevent military service than corns on the feet!"

"The best thing to do is to pretend to be crazy," said one who pretended to be ill to avoid military service. "I meant to play him a fool, to be religious, to preach the holiness of the pope; but in the end I managed to spend fifteen crowns, and had a barber in the street put some tumors on my stomach. .” "I know a chimney sweep," said another patient. "For twenty crowns, he can give you a fever so high that you want to jump out of the window." "That's nothing," said another. "There is a midwife in our area. You only need to give her twenty crowns. She can make your ankle joints so crisp and keep you disabled for a lifetime."

"It only cost me five crowns to get my feet out of joint," said a voice from a bed in the row by the window. "It cost five crowns and three glasses of wine." "My disease has cost me more than two hundred crowns," said a man next door to the man who was as thin as a rake. "I'll bet you there's no poison in the world that I haven't eaten. My belly is full of poison. I've chewed arsenic, I've smoked opium, I've swallowed brine, I've drank phosphorous acid. I've ruined My liver, my lungs, my kidneys, my heart—let’s be honest, my guts are all gone. No one can tell what’s wrong with me.”

"I think it's better to inject some kerosene under the skin of the arm," explained a man near the door. "One of my cousins ​​was lucky like that. They sawed off his arm at the elbow, and the Army hasn't bothered him since." "Look," said Schweik, "what you have to suffer for the Emperor, with your stomachs pumped out. When I was in the army a few years ago, it was worse than this. If a man is sick, they Tie his arms upside down and throw him in a jail and let him be raised. It ain't like here, no bed, no mattress, no spittoon." In the afternoon, it's time for the doctor to check the ward.Dr. Gronstein was on the bed, followed by an orderly from the Surgeon's Department, holding a notebook.

"Maquina!" "Have!" "Give him an enema and an aspirin. Bocconi!" "Have!" "Gastric lavage and cinchona cream. Kevaric!" "Have!" "Enemas and aspirin. Quartaco!" "Have!" "Gastric lavage, take cinchona cream." So things went on one by one, ruthlessly, mechanically, and quickly. "Shuaike!" "Have!" Dr. Gronstein stared at the newcomer. "What's wrong with you?" "Report sir, I have rheumatism." During his medical practice Dr. Gronstein had adopted a slightly sarcastic demeanor which he found to be more effective than shouting.

"Ah, rheumatism," he said to Schweik. "What a serious illness you have! Look, what a coincidence, that sooner rather than later, when the war started and you had to serve in the army, you developed rheumatism. I think you must be very anxious. " "Report sir, I'm really in a hurry!" "Zap, suck, he's in a hurry. How wonderful you want us to take care of your rheumatism! When there's no war, you poor fellow hops like a goat. But when there's a war. Look, at once Your rheumatism is coming, and your knees are not working. Does your knee hurt?"

"Report sir, the knee hurts badly." "I can't sleep all night, right? Rheumatism is a dangerous, uncomfortable, and troublesome disease. We have a way to deal with people with rheumatism here. Absolute diet control and All kinds of treatments are proven. You see, you get better here than in Pestani.As you strode onto the front line, there was a cloud of dust behind your ass. " Then he turned around and said to the sergeant's orderly: "Write it down:" Schweik, absolute diet control, gastric lavage twice a day, and enema once a day. 'We'll see what else we have to arrange in due course.At the same time, take him to the operating room, wash his stomach clean, and then give him an enema after washing enough, enough to make him call his father and mother, then his rheumatism will be frightened. Ran. "

Then he made a speech to all the sickbeds, full of wit and witty epigrams: "Don't you think you're dealing with fools here, that you can get away with whatever tricks you play. I don't care about your excuses at all. I know that you all use your illness to avoid military service, so I will deal with you in the same way. I have dealt with soldiers like you for hundreds of thousands. These beds It has taken in a large number of strong men, and they have nothing wrong with them, except that they lack the martial spirit of the soldiers and citizens. Their compatriots are crowded to death on the front line, but they want to stay in bed and eat hospital food Me, just wait until the war is over. Huh, but they made a mistake, and you all made a mistake. In the next twenty years, if you dream of the deeds you planned to hide from me, you will still come out of your dreams. screamed."

"Report sir," whispered someone on a bed by the window. "I'm completely cured. My asthma seems to disappear in the middle of the night." "what's your name?" "Kvarik. Report sir, I approve of enemas." "Okay, I will give you an enema before you leave the hospital, so as to help you on the way." Dr. Gronstein decided. "You can't complain that we haven't treated you here. Listen, whoever's name I read now, come with the sergeant, and take whatever he serves you." So, everyone accepted a large number of medicines prescribed by Dr. Zhao.Shuaike showed that he could bear the hardship. "Don't pity me," he begged the assistant who gave him the enema. "Don't forget that you once swore allegiance to the Emperor. Even if your own father or brother is lying here, you must still feed him without showing any affection. Remember, Austria is only stable by enemas. Victory must belong to us." When Dr. Gronstein checked the ward the next day, he asked Schweik about his impression of the military hospital. Schweik replied that it was a top-notch, well-managed institution.To repay him, the doctor gave him some aspirin and three capsules of cinchona cream in addition to the previous day's portion, and told him to drink it with a glass of water on the spot. Even Socrates⑵drinking his cup of poisoned ginseng, he was not as calm as Shuai Ke Cinchona.Dr. Gronstein has now tried all levels of torture on him. Schweik stood before the doctor, wrapped in a sheet soaked in cold water.When the doctor asked him how he felt, he said, "Tell me, sir, it's like spending the summer in a bath or by the sea." "Do you still have rheumatism?" "Report sir, my illness seems to have not recovered yet." Then came a new torment. The next morning several army doctors from that famous committee were present. They walked solemnly past the rows of beds, saying only, "Stick out your tongue and see!" Schweik stuck out his tongue and squeezed his face into an idiotic grimace, his eyes blinked, and he said, "Report sir, this is all my tongue!" With that, an interesting conversation began between Schweik and the committee members.Schweik argued that he made that statement because he was afraid that the committee members would suspect that he had hidden his tongue on purpose. On the other hand, the committee members were very divided on Schweik. Half of the committee thought that Schweik was einbioder Kerl⑷, the other half thought he was a liar, deliberately playing a joke on the military department. "If we can't handle you, we're not human!" the chairman shouted at Schweik. Schweik stared blankly at all the committee members with a childish innocent and serene look. The chief of the medical staff approached Schweik and said to him: "I'd like to know what you're up to. You, you dolphin!" "Report sir, nothing is on my mind." "Himmeldonnerwetter⑸!" a committee member said angrily, clanging his waist knife. "So he doesn't think about anything, does he? Why don't you think, you Siamese fool!" "Sir, I don't think, because soldiers are not allowed to think. Many years ago, when I was in the 91st Regiment, our officers always said to us: "Soldiers are not allowed to think.The magistrate has thought about it for them.Once a soldier thinks about it, he is no longer a soldier, he becomes a stinky commoner. 'Thoughts don't...' "Shut up!" The chairman abruptly stopped Schweik's words. "We knew about you. You're not an idiot, Schweik. You're a mischievous one, you're cunning, you're a liar, a scoundrel, you're a local ruffian, do you understand?" "Report sir, I understand, sir." "Didn't I tell you to shut up! Did you hear that?" "Sir, I heard you say, tell me to shut up." "Himmelherrgott, then you shut up! You should know when I speak that I don't want your lips to move." "Sir, I know you won't make my lips move." Several officers and gentlemen exchanged glances, and then called the sergeant over and said, "Take this man to the office." The Chief of Military Medical Staff pointed to Schweik and said. "Wait till we make a decision and a report. There's nothing wrong with this guy, he's just faking it and trying to get out of the draft; at the same time he's talking nonsense and making fun of his superiors. He thinks he's here for fun. He's bringing the army It was a big joke, like a sideshow. When you get to the internment camp, they'll tell you that knowing the military is no joke." While the officer on duty was yelling at Schweik in the order room that a man like him should be shot, the commissars were in the upstairs ward dealing with other evaders who were pretending to be sick.Out of seventy patients only two survived: one with a shell blown off his leg, the other with a real gastric ulcer. Only on the two of them can the word tauglich⑻ be used.The rest, along with three with terminal tuberculosis, were declared fit and fit for military service. -------------- ⑴ Pistani is a famous resort in Slovakia. ⑵ Socrates (about 4691399 BC) was a Greek philosopher.He was sentenced to death by drinking poison for the crimes of disrespecting the gods enshrined by the country and inciting young people to despise the prescribed system. (3) Refers to the Physical Examination Committee. ⑷German, meaning: "an idiot." ⑸ German is a curse word, here it means "bastard". ⑹ Siam is the old name of Thailand. ⑺ German, meaning: "God". ⑻ German meaning: "Health is useless".