Chapter 6 Chapter 4 Schweik is kicked out of the madhouse

When Schweik later described his life in the lunatic asylum, he said in full of praise: "It's a happy life there. You can shout, you can scream, you can sing, you can cry, you can bleat, you can booing, jumping, saying prayers, somersaults; crawling, hopping on one foot, running in circles, dancing, hopping, squatting all day, and crawling The wall. I tell you, I liked being in the madhouse, and I spent the best days of my life there." To tell the truth, when they took Schweik from the Central Criminal Office to the Asylum in order to investigate him, the welcome he received there was far more than he expected.They first gave him a bath.In the bathroom, they dunked him in a tub of lukewarm water, then dragged him out and doused him with cold water.They did this three times in a row and asked him if he liked it.Schweik said it was better than the public baths around the Charles Bridge, and said he liked it very much. "If you cut my nails and cut my hair again, I'll be as happy as ever," he added, laughing courteously.

Everything was done as he asked.They dried him off with a sponge and wrapped him up in a sheet.Then he was carried to the bed in No. 1 ward, helped him down, covered him with a quilt, and told him to sleep. So he fell asleep peacefully on the bed.Then they woke him up, and gave him a basin of milk and a loaf of bread.The bread had been cut into pieces, and while one of the watchmen held Schweik's hand, the other dipped pieces of the broken bread in milk and fed him into his mouth, like stuffing chickens and ducks with dough.When he fell asleep, they woke him up again and took him to the examination room.Schweik stripped naked in front of the two doctors, reminding him of the proud days when he joined the army.

"Five steps forward and five steps back," said a doctor. Schweik took ten steps. "I told you to take five steps!" said the doctor. "I don't care if I take more steps or less," Schweik said. So two doctors told him to sit in a chair, and one of them tapped his knee, and told the other that the reflexes were normal.The doctor shook his head and began to knock on Schweik's knee.At this moment, the same doctor raised Schweik's eyelids again to check his pupils.Then they went to the table and muttered to each other in Latin. A doctor asked Schweik, "Have you had your neurological status checked?"

"In the army," Schweik replied solemnly and proudly, "the medical officer will officially declare me insane." "I think you're pretending to be sick to avoid military service," shouted a doctor. "Are you talking about me, my lord?" said Schweik contemptuously. "No. It's fair to say I'm mentally unsound; I'm definitely not the type to pretend to be sick and avoid military service. If you don't believe me, go to the duty room of the 91st Regiment or ask at the reserve headquarters in Carlin. .” The elder between the two doctors waved his hands in despair, then pointed to Schweik and said to the guard: "Get this man dressed and take him to Ward No. 3 in the front aisle. Then you Get a guy and send his entire file to the office. Tell them to close the case quickly because we don't want him to stay with us."

The doctors gave Schweik another hard look.He stepped back humbly towards the door, bowing gratefully all the way.Since the watchman had been ordered to return the clothes to Schweik, they hadn't paid any attention to him.They told him to get dressed, and a warden took him to Ward Three.The office needed a few days to complete the paperwork to send Schweik out of the hospital.In the middle of those days he had another opportunity to continue the observations which suited his taste.Disappointed doctors declared him in their report—"a draft dodger with mental retardation and feigning illness."There was also a trouble because they released him before lunch.Schweik insisted that one cannot be kicked out of an asylum without lunch.The gatekeeper in the yard had no choice but to call the inspector to suppress this disorderly behavior.The inspector took Schweik to the police station.

-------------- ⑴Charles Bridge is an ancient Etiquette bridge in the center of Prague.