Chapter 43 Chapter 18 Diary (2)

"In the morning, I gave him a pair of old boots and watched him go out. Pavel took the boots irritably. That's it. I thought to myself, the rebellious age, eighteen, nineteen, when a child grows up Can't leave the nest, everyone rebels. When feathers grow but can't fly. Always eat, always hungry. They make me think of pelicans. Pelicans are gangly, clumsy, the dumbest of birds Birds. They can't get off the ground until they grow huge wings. "Unfortunately, that's not how Pavel remembers that night. In his description, there are no birds at all, no angels. No father's care, father's love."

"Fyodor Mikhailovich, such suffering will not do you any good. If you are not going to burn these documents, at least lock them up for a while, and when Pavel's affairs subside, you will It’s not too late to see. Listen to me, and for your own good, just do as I tell you.” "Thank you, my dear Anna. I listened to you, and your words came to my heart. But when I say freedom from harm, when I say reasons for staying here, I don't mean this apartment. , or staying in Petersburg. I mean being able to live a pain-free life in Russia at this moment. If not, I'm not here. I'm ordered to live—what shall I call it ?—to live a Russian life, a life inside Russia, or a life inside me, whatever Russia means. This is my inescapable fate.

"This life is not about how much I value it. It's a life that doesn't require much insight. In fact, it's not even a life that can be measured in prices and currencies. It's a life that I have to pay in order to write." a life. And that's what Pavel doesn't understand: I have to pay, too." She frowned.He understood now the source of Matrona's habitual frown.Ripping open the inside makes one less patient.It's admirable for her to do so!He has torn Russia apart too much. Not only that, but I have to pay.If she could bear to listen, he would say it again, and say it again.I pay for my betrayal: this is my life.Selling my life, selling the lives of those around me.betray everyone.A Yakovlev deal of life.The Finnish girl was right after all: a Judas, not a Jesus.Sell ​​you, sell your daughter, sell all those I love.Selling Pavel alive, and now Pavel in him, if I can find a way to do so.Also hoped to find a way to betray Sergei Nechayev.

A life without dignity; a betrayal without limits; a confession without limits. She interrupted his train of thought. "Are you still planning to leave?" "Yes, of course." "I ask because someone is asking about rooms. Where are you going?" "Go to Mykov first." "I remember you said you wouldn't go to him." "He will lend me money, I'm sure he will. I will tell him that I need money to go back to Dresden. After that, it's just to find another place to stay." "Why not just go back to Dresden? Won't all your problems be solved there?"

"My passport is still in the hands of the police. There are other considerations." "Because you decided that you had done everything you could, and because you decided that you were wasting your time in Petersburg." Did she not hear what he said?Or, is she deliberately trying to provoke him?He stood up, gathered the papers, and turned to face her. "No, my dear Anna, I am not wasting any time staying here. There is no reason in the world for staying, and no one in the world has more reason than I. In your heart, I dare say you must be understandable." She shook her head. "I don't know," she murmured.The tone of the speech is clearly intended to be refuted.

"There was a time when I believed you could guide me to Pavel. I pictured in my mind the two of us in a boat, with you standing at the bow leading us through the fog. The picture was as vivid as life itself .I trust you completely." She shook her head again. "I may have described the details wrong, but the feeling is right. I have feelings for you from the beginning." If she wanted to stop him from talking, she should stop now.But she didn't do that.She drank his words like a plant drinks water.Why not stop him? "We felt wrong ourselves, to be hasty...to be hasty in what was done," he continued.

"I've blamed myself," she said. "I don't want to talk to you about that right now, though." "Neither do I. Let me just say, over the past week or so, I've realized how loyal we are, both of us. We have to restore our loyalty. Am I right, aren't I ?” He was examining her eagerly, but she was still waiting for him to say more, to determine what he meant by loyalty. "I mean, on your side, you're going to be loyal to your daughter. On my side, I'm going to be loyal to my son. We can't love each other without their blessing. Am I right?"

Although he knew she agreed with him, she remained silent.He pressed on against the mild resistance. "I want to have a baby with you." She blushed. "Nonsense! You already have a wife and children." "They are very different homes. It's like you live in Pavel's house, you and Matrona, you two. I live in Pavel's house too." "I don't know what you mean." "If you think about it with your heart, you will know." "I don't even know if I think about it! What do you want to do? I have a child with me, and his father stays abroad and regularly sends me childcare allowances? Absurd!"

"Why? You used to take care of Pavel." "Pavel is a tenant, not a child!" "You don't have to make a decision right away." "But I want to make a decision right away! No! This is my decision!" "What if you're pregnant now?" She is annoyed. "That's none of your business!" "What if I don't go back to Dresden? What if I stay here and send a stipend to Dresden?" "Stay here? In my spare room? In Petersburg? I don't think you can stay in Petersburg. The reason is that you will be thrown into prison by your creditors."

"I can pay off my debts. It just takes one hit." she laughed.Maybe she was irritated, but she didn't want to mess with him anymore.He can say anything to her.This is in stark contrast to Anya!With Anya there were only tears and doors slamming.He needs to spend a week begging her to go back to reading good books. "Fyodor Mikhailovich," she said, "you'll forget about it when you wake up in the morning. It's all just a whim in your head, and you haven't thought about it at all." "You're right. It just happened on a whim, and that's why I believe it."

She didn't lean into his arms, nor pushed him away. "This is bigamy!" She said softly, looked at him contemptuously, and laughed again, trembling all over.Then, somewhat deliberately, she said: "Would you like me to come to you this evening?" "There's nothing more willing." "let me see." She came back around midnight. "I can't stay long," she said, closing the door behind her. They made love as if under a death sentence, purposeful and single-minded for their own benefit.For a moment they couldn't tell who was who, who was a man and who was a woman.They were like two skeletal frames, with identical bones, all joined together perfectly, mouth to mouth, eye to eye, ribs interlocked, and legs intertwined. When she was done, she lay on the narrow bed next to him, her head resting on his chest, one long leg resting easily on top of him.His head was slightly dizzy. "Does that mean we're going to have a messiah?" she murmured, seeing that he hadn't figured it out, and then said, "There's a river of semen. You want to prove it. The bed is soaked." Her blasphemous words attracted him.Each time, she surprised him and made him discover something new about her.It was inconceivable that, if he had really left Petersburg, it was impossible for him to return, it was inconceivable that he would never see her again. "Why do you say the savior?" "Save you, save the two of us, isn't that what the savior is referring to?" "Why are you so sure it's him?" "Ah, only women know." "What would Matryosha think?" "Matryosha? A little brother? Nothing pleases her more than that. She can take care of him like a mother, and that will satisfy her." On the surface, his question was about Matryosha, but in reality it was just a cover-up for another question.He won't ask that question because he already knows the answer.Pavel would not welcome a younger brother.Pavel would kick him off and throw him against the wall by the head.For Pavel, there are no messiahs, only impostors, usurpers, and cunning imps hiding under the skin of chubby babies.But who can swear that he is wrong? "Do women always know?" "You mean, do I know I'm pregnant? Don't worry, I won't be." She comforted him and said, "If I stay any longer, I'll fall asleep." She pushed the sheet aside, from his Climb over.By the moonlight, she found her clothes and began to dress. He felt a sharp pain.Old memories haunted him.The young man inside him, not yet dead, was still trying to hear something.The body in his body hadn't been burned yet.He was inches inside him, in love, and no prudent reserve could have saved him.The discomfort of falling hit again.Otherwise, it is some other state, anyway, it is discomfort. The urge was strong, but passed quickly.Strong, but not strong enough, never strong enough, unless he could find a support somewhere. "Come here for a while," he whispered. She lay down on the bed.He took her hand. "May I make a suggestion? I don't think it would be very good for Matryosha to get involved with Nechayev and his friends." She withdrew her hand. "Of course not. But why are you saying this now?" Her voice was cold and flat. "Because I think she shouldn't be bothered when he comes to her." "What do you want to say?" "Can't she stay downstairs with Amalia Karlovna until you come home?" "It's troublesome to ask that old lady to look after a sick child, especially since she doesn't get on very well with Matryosha. Why don't you tell Matriosha not to open the door to strangers? I think that's enough." "Because you haven't realized the intensity of Nechayev's power over her." She stood up. "I don't like it," she said. "I don't understand why we are talking about my daughter in the middle of the night?" The atmosphere between them suddenly turned cold and returned to the previous tension. "Can't you not lose your temper when I mention her name?" he asked desperately. "If I didn't think of her from the bottom of my heart, do you think I would cause trouble?" She didn't answer.The door opened and closed again.