Chapter 15 Chapter 7 Matriona (2)

When he was a child, when there were guests at home, he always liked to spy on their actions and pry into their privacy furtively.Now, he still associates this weakness with his rebellious psychology of refusing to accept restrictions. The more things he is not allowed to know, the more he wants to know.But now he was less inclined to be tolerant of himself.He is under the control of the devil of petty crime and evil, and he knows it well.In fact, when Anna Sergeyevna was not at home, he actually got a thrill of pleasure when he rummaged through her things in this way. He closed the last drawer and wandered aimlessly, not knowing what to do next.

He opened Pavel's suitcase and put on the white suit.So far, he's wearing the suit as a gesture of defiance and love to the dead child.But now he saw only a wretched impostor in the mirror, and besides some furtive, obscene scene, usually in a locked, drawn room with a wig, Masochistic men in skirts with bare asses waiting to be whipped. It was past noon, and he still felt pain.He lay flat on his back, covering his eyes with one arm, as if to ward off the blow.Everything was spinning around him; he felt like he was falling into the darkness.As he reverts to his original form, he loses his sense of who he is again.He knew the word me, but when he stared at it, it was as mysterious as a stone in the desert.

It was just a dream, he thought to himself; I'll wake up any minute, and everything will be back to normal.For a moment he took pleasure in believing it was true.However, the truth immediately appeared in front of him, making him at a loss. The door creaked, and Matrona poked her head in and was evidently taken aback by his appearance. "Are you ill?" she asked, frowning. He didn't have the heart to answer. "Why are you wearing that suit?" "If I don't wear it, who will wear it?" An impatient look flashed across her face. "Do you know the story of Pavel's suit?"

She shook her head. He sat up and beckoned her to the foot of the bed. "Come here. It's a long story, but I can tell it to you. The year before last, when I was abroad, Pavel stayed with his aunt in Tver. It was just for the summer. Do you know where Tver is?" "Near Moscow." "On the way to Moscow. Quite a big town. There's a retired officer in Tver, a captain, and his sister helps him with the house. The sister's name is Marya Timofeevna. She's crippled. Not quite sane. .is a well-meaning person, but can't take care of himself." He found that he quickly settled into the rhythm of the storytelling.Like a piston engine, only one action.

"Unfortunately, the Captain, Maria's brother, was a drunkard. He used to abuse her when he was drunk. Then he forgot all about it." "What did he do to her?" "He beats her. That's it. Old Russian beatings. She doesn't hate him. Maybe she's simple-minded and thinks that's the way the world should be: a place where you get beaten." He got her attention.Now he tightens the screw. "In the end, that's probably the world in the eyes of a dog or a horse. Why is Mary different from others? The horse doesn't understand that she was born into this world to pull a cart. It thinks she came to be beaten. Think of it as a big thing to tie it down, so that it won't run away when it's beaten."

"Come on..." she whispered. He knew: she genuinely rejected the way he pictured the world.She wants to look out for the good.But her thoughts were tentative, without rebound.He was merciless to her.This is Russia!He wanted to tell her in earnest.In Russia, it doesn't work to be a delicate flower.In Russia, burdock or dandelion must be made. "One day the Captain came to visit. He wasn't exactly a friend of Aunt Pavel's, but he came anyway, and brought his sister with him. Perhaps he was drinking too much. Pavel was not at home at the time. "A visitor from Moscow, a young man who didn't know much about the situation, struck up a conversation with Marya, and she started talking. Perhaps he was just being polite, looking for something to say, and avoiding silence. On the other hand, perhaps he was messing around. Mischief, to tease her. Maria became more and more excited, delusional. She told the guests that she was engaged, or in her own words, 'engaged'. 'Your fiancé is from this district Is it?" he asked. 'Yes, nearby,' she replied, smiling shyly at Pavel's aunt. young and beautiful.)

"To save face, Pavel's aunt pretended to congratulate her, and also the captain. The captain was naturally very angry with his sister, and beat her up as soon as he got home." "Then, is the engagement real?" "No, not at all, it was all her own idea. Now that it is clear, she is convinced that the man she is going to marry is none other than Pavel. I don't know how she came to that idea. Maybe someone He smiled at her one day, maybe casually remarked that her hat was nice--Pavel was kind, that's one of his good qualities, wasn't it? So maybe she fancied him, and when she got home she thought she Fell in love with him, and he fell in love with himself."

He squinted at the kid as he spoke.She twisted and put her thumb in her mouth after a while. "You can imagine how amused Tver society was when it heard the story of Maria and her non-existent suitor. Now I will tell you about Pavel. He went out and ordered a beautiful white suit .The next step was to visit Lebuyatkin's house. He wore new clothes and brought flowers—I think it was roses. Captain Lebuyatkin didn't like it at first. Pavel put He won it over. Although he was not yet twenty years old, he was very considerate and polite to Marya, like a gentleman. He visited frequently all summer, until he left Tver and returned to Petersburg. This is an education for everyone. , Respect women's education. Same for me. Pavel is that kind of kid. That's where the white suit came from."

"Where's Mary?" "Mary? As far as I know, Mary is still in Tver." "Does she know?" "Know anything about Pavel? Maybe not." "Why did he commit suicide?" "Do you think he committed suicide?" "Mom said he committed suicide." "No one commits suicide, Matryosha. People risk their lives, but they don't really commit suicide. It may well be that Pavel took the risk to see if God's love for him was enough to save him." he asked He asked God a question—Will you save me?—God gave him an answer. God said: No. God said: Go to die.”

"Did God kill him?" "God said no. God could have said: OK, I'll save you. But he chose to say no." "Why?" she asked quietly. "He said to God: If you love me, save me. If you are there, save me. But there was silence. So he said: I know you are there, I know you hear my voice. I Bet my life you'll save me. God still didn't say a word. Then he said: No matter how quiet you are, I know you hear me. I'll bet it— In the present! He threw the bet. God didn't show up. God didn't intervene." "Why?" she asked quietly again.

There was an unnatural, ugly smile on his unshaven face. "Who knows? Maybe God doesn't like people tempting him. Maybe the principle of not being tempted is more important to him than a child's life. Maybe it's simply because God is a little hard of hearing. God must be very old now , as old as the Earth, or even older. Perhaps he has poor hearing and poor eyesight, like any elderly man."