Chapter 15 hope the woman i love abuses me

"Yes, I shudder when I think of the woman I love, the woman who repays my love and throws herself into someone else's arms without showing me an iota of sympathy. But do I have a choice? If I love a woman, crazy I love her so much, can I hurt myself by proudly ignoring her? Am I out of my mind? I'm in two minds about the opposite sex. If I can't find a noble, sunny, ideal, If a good, loyal woman spends my life with me, I can't stand anything halfway, anything lukewarm! I'd rather submit to a woman who has no virtue, no loyalty, no compassion. Such a selfish woman It is also my ideal object. Since I can't enjoy all the joy of love, then I can enjoy its torture and torture; then I hope that the woman I love abuses me and betrays me. The more cruel the better. This It’s also a joy.”

"Are you crazy?" Wanda yelled. "I love you with all my heart," I continued, "so much that your nearness and the air you breathe are indispensable to me if I am to go on living. Therefore, Madam, please choose one of my thoughts. Please choose me to be your husband or slave according to your wishes." "Very good," said Wanda, frowning her slender eyebrows. "I find it particularly interesting to control a man who is interested in me and loves me. At least I have no shortage of entertainment. How reckless of you to leave the choice to me. My choice is: I want you to be mine Slave! I'm going to make you one of my toys!"

"Ha! Just do it!" I cried, half apprehensive, half happy. "If marriage is just based on equality and tolerance, then instead, the strongest feelings come from its opposite. That's what we are, we hate each other. This explains the love between us, our love, Part of it is hate, part of it is fear. In this relationship, one person is the hammer and the other is the chopping block. I want to be that chopping block. I don't like being looked down upon by the person I love. I want to worship one Woman, if she's cruel to me, I'll do it." "But, Savunin," Wanda retorted at me almost angrily, "do you think I would abuse someone who loves me and what I love? As you say?"

"Why not, if it makes me admire you more? We men love a woman who is superior, a woman who conquers men with her beauty, temperament, wisdom, and will, a tyrannical woman." "Then you like the kind of woman who is rejected by others?" "As you said. It's fun for me." "Ha, in the end there's nothing special or special about all your passions for someone who doesn't like pretty fur. Everyone knows and can feel the intimacy between eroticism and brutality." "But for me, it's all over the top," I respond. "Then rationality doesn't affect you at all. You are gentle, submissive and lustful by nature."

"Are the martyrs also gentle and lustful by nature?" "Martyrs?" "Quite the opposite: they're transsensory. They feel pleasure in pain, and they seek pain as others seek happiness, even death. That's what I am, ma'am." "Make sure you don't become a martyr for our love, and don't become a martyr for women." We sat on Wanda's little balcony enjoying the shade, it was a warm summer night, the air was scented with flowers, and there were two roofs over our heads: the first was a green ceiling made of vines, the second The second floor is a canopy formed by the sky. There are countless stars on the canopy.From the garden came a soft and mournful meow, and I sat on the little stool at the feet of the goddess and told her about my childhood.

"These personality tendencies of yours were already revealed at that time?" Wanda asked. "Indeed. I don't even remember a time when these tendencies left me. As my mother later told me, I was a suprasensory even in the cradle. I refused healthy breastfeeding from dumb nurses who had to Feed me goat milk. When I was a boy I had an unnamed fear of women, but that was actually another form of interest in them. I was afraid of the gray vaults of churches, I would panic before the flaming altar, before the pictures of saints. On the other hand, I secretly liked the plaster statue of Venus in my father's small library-as secretly as a forbidden thing. Joy. I knelt before her and recited what others had taught me, including God's prayers, Mary's cheers, and the Christian creed.