Chapter 2 The story of the quarrel between Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich - Chapter 1

I feel it my duty to forewarn that the events described in this novel belong to a very old age.Moreover, it is completely fictional to the wall.This is no longer the case in Milgrad at all.The houses are brand new; the puddles in the city have long since dried up, and all officials, whether they are judges, jurors, or mayors, are respectable and well-meaning people. Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich Ivan Ivanovich has a fine fur coat!An excellent piece!What kind of leather!Bah, damn it, that skin is really bright!Gray blue with silver frost!I can bet anything, no one has anything like this!For God's sake, look at that leather, especially when he's standing talking to someone, you take a sideways look: so charming!Indescribable: velvet!silver!fire!my God!Miraculous Nikolai, saint!Why don't I have such a leather jacket!Agafya Fedoseyevna had not yet gone to Kyiv when he sewed the coat. "Do you know Agafya Fedoseyevna? The woman who bit off the jury's ear. Ivan Ivanovich is a wonderful man! the house! It was surrounded by a canopy of oak posts, under which there were benches here and there. When it was too hot, Ivan Ivanovitch took off his fur coat and close clothing, and In a shirt-sleeve, resting under the canopy, watching what is going on in the yard. What apple and pear trees are there under the windows of his house! As soon as the windows are opened, the branches come into the house. It's all in front of his house; but it's time to see what's in his garden again! Is there anything there? Plums, cherries, cherry blossoms, vegetables of all kinds, sunflowers, cucumbers, cantaloupe, peas, and even Granary and forge. Ivan Ivanovich is a wonderful man! He loves melons. It is his favorite food. After eating beef and rice, he went to the eaves in a shirt and immediately Instructed Gapka to bring two melons, cut the melons by himself, wrapped the seeds in a special small paper, and began to chew. Then he asked Gapka to bring the ink pot, and personally put the melon seeds on the paper Leave a note: This melon was eaten on a certain day. If there is a guest sitting with you at this time, write: Eat with a certain gentleman. The late judge Mirgrad saw Ivan Ivanovich’s house, always You have to admire it. Yes, this small and exquisite house is not bad. I like that many large and small halls have been added around it, so if you look at it from a distance, you can only see row upon row of house leaves, like a bird. The pan full of fritters, or rather, like fungus on the trees. And the roof was all covered with reeds; a willow, an oak and two apple trees covered it with whirling branches. Small windows with carved and whitewashed shutters peeked out among the trees, and even these windows jutted out into the street. Ivan Ivanovich was a wonderful man! Even the Commissioner of Poltava I know him! Doroshy Tarasovich Pushevitchka always visits him when he comes by car from Khorol. And the high priest who lives in Kryberd Father Peter, when there were five guests at home, used to say that he did not know anyone who fulfilled his Christian duties and lived so well as Ivan Ivanovitch. God, it was a good day. How fast! It has been more than ten years since he was a widow. He has no children. Gapka has children, and they often run around the yard. Ivan Ivanovich always gives them a roll , a piece of melon, or a pear. At his house Gapuka carried the keys to the storeroom and the wine cellar; Ivan Ivanovich himself kept the large chest in his bedroom and the key to the storeroom in the middle. Well, he doesn't like to let anyone go to those places. Gapuka is a sturdy maid, wearing a front coat,

①The skirt worn by Ukrainian women is made of two pieces of cloth, and they are tied together with a belt around the waist. The front is called "front panel" and the back is called "back panel". Has red and tender calves and cheeks.And what a godly man Ivan Ivanovich was!Every Sunday, he always put on his leather jacket and went to church.On entering the church, Ivan Ivanovitch, having saluted all sides, usually sat down in the choir and sang very sweetly with his bass.At the end of the prayer, Ivan Ivanovitch could not bear to go round all the beggars.If it had not been for the good nature that drove him, he might have thought of doing such a boring thing. "Hello, poor wretch!" he usually said when he found a crippled village woman in a fringe patched dress. "Where do you come from, poor wretch?"--"Sir, I come from the village. I haven't had anything to drink or eat for three days, and my own children have driven me out."--"Poor Old man, what are you doing here?"--"You're here to beg for alms, sir, and see if anyone will give me money for a piece of bread."--"Hmph!What, do you want bread? "Ivan. Ivanovich usually always asks this way.—"Why don't you want to?Hungry like a wild dog: "--" Humph! ’ Ivan Ivanovitch usually replied in this way: “I suppose you also want to eat meat?” "──" Whatever the master gives, I want it. "--"Humph!Is meat better than bread? "──" What else do you choose when you're hungry?Anything you reward is good. "Here, the old woman always held out her hand. "Come, go, God bless you," said Ivan Ivanovitch. "What are you doing here?I won't hit you again! "Then, the same question was asked of the second, the third, and finally at home, or passing by the neighbor Ivan Nikiforovitch's for a glass of vodka, or to the judge, or to the Mayor. Ivan Ivanovich is very fond of being given gifts or souvenirs. He is very happy.

Ivan Nikiforovich was also a wonderful man.His yard was next to that of Ivan Ivanovich, and they were the best friends that are rare in the world.Anton Prokofievich, who still wears a brown frock coat with blue lapels, and who lunches every Sunday at the judge's house, usually says that Ivan Nikiforovich and Ivan Ivan Fanovi Hall is where the devil tied them together with a rope.Wherever one goes, the other will follow.Ivan Nikiforovitch was never married.Although some people say that he was married, this is a complete lie.I know Ivan Nikiforovitch very well, and I can say that he never even thought of marrying.Where did all this gossip come from?Likewise, it is said that Ivan Nikiforovitch was born with a tail on his back.But such pretense is so absurd, and at the same time base and indecent, that I do not think it necessary to refute it in front of an enlightened reader, who will no doubt know that only fairies, and very few of them, There will be tails in the back, and goblins are always female, but never male.Despite their bond, these two rare best friends are not at all like each other.It is best to know their characters by comparison: Ivan Ivanovich has an extraordinary gift for talking smoothly; God, how can he talk: only comb your hair or gently touch you When you touch the heels of your feet, the whole body comfortable taste can be compared with this feeling.You listen, and you hang your head down as soon as you listen.Comfortable!So comfortable!It's like sleeping after taking a shower.Ivan Nikiforovitch, on the other hand, is taciturn, but if he says a word or two, you must be careful, sharper than a quick razor!Ivan Ivanovich was thin and tall, Ivan Nikiforovich was slightly shorter, but spread out inwards.Ivan Ivanovitch's head was like a turnip with the tip pointing down, and Ivan Nikiforovitch's head was like a turnip with the point up.Ivan Ivanovich only lay down under the eaves in a shirt after lunch; in the evening he put on his leather jacket, and went somewhere for a walk, to the shop in the town where he sold flour. , or go to the wild to catch quail.But Ivan Nikiforovitch lay on the steps all day; if the weather was not too hot, he usually turned his back to the sun, and did not want to go anywhere.If you suddenly have a whim in the morning, then go for a walk in the yard, do housework, and then come back to rest.In former times he used to visit Ivan Ivanovitch's.Ivan Ivanovitch was a very delicate man, he spoke in a regular manner, and never uttered a word of obscenity, which made him instantly angry.Ivan Nikiforovitch sometimes said that dirty work was careless; in those days Ivan Ivan Ivanovitch usually got up suddenly and said: "Enough, enough, Ivan Nikiforovich I would rather go out in the sun than say such ungodly words." Ivan Ivanovich would be very angry if he found a fly in the beet soup The dish was thrown away, which made the host unable to get off the stage.Ivan Nikiforovitch was very fond of bathing, and when he sat up to his neck in the water, he had the table and samovar placed in the water, and he was very fond of drinking tea in such a cool state.Ivan Ivanovitch shaves twice a week, Ivan Nikiforovitch once a week.Ivanovic's curiosity is particularly strong.If you tell him something and don't finish the sentence, you've committed a big taboo for him!If he has any dissatisfaction, it will be expressed in color immediately.It was difficult to tell from Ivan Nikiforovitch's appearance whether he was satisfied or angry; if he was happy, he did not show it on his face.Ivan Ivanovitch has a somewhat rigid character.Ivan Nikiforovich, on the other hand, wore bloomers with such great folds that, if they were blown out, the whole yard, the barn and the house, could be packed together.Ivan Ivanovitch had large, expressive, dun eyes, and a mouth that resembled the letter V;

① This is the last letter in the old Russian alphabet, which was obsolete after the revolution. Ivan Nikiforovich's eyes were small and yellowish, disappearing completely between his bushy eyebrows and cheeks, and his nose was like a ripe plum.Ivan, when Ivanovitch offers you snuff, he always licks the lid of the snuff box with his tongue, flicks it with his fingers, and then brings it to you.If you know him, say: "Sir, may I ask you to do me a favor?" A face?" Ivan Nikiforovich handed you his horned snuffbox straightforwardly, adding only: "Please!" Ivan Ivanovitch and Ivan Niki Forovich hates fleas very much; therefore, neither Ivan Ivanovich nor Ivan Nikiforovitch buys from the Jewish dealers any kind of insecticide in various bottles. He would never let him go, even though he would have to be scolded beforehand, because he was worthy of Judaism.

However, despite some differences, both Ivan Ivanovich and Ivan Nikiforovich were remarkable people.