Chapter 15 fifteen

During the next five or six days I hardly saw Zinaïda; she said she was ill, but that did not prevent the regulars—as they said— Come on duty, everyone comes, except Maidanov, who gets depressed and bored when he has no chance to have fun.Bylovzorov sat in a corner with a sad face, buttoned up all his buttons, and blushed; count Maleevsky's handsome face often flitted malicious smiles; Naida, who was so eager to curry favor with the old princess, had gone with her in a cab to pay a visit to a governor with the title of general; but this trip seemed to have yielded nothing, even Maleevsky himself. An unpleasant incident occurred to him: an affair with officers of certain engineering units was mentioned to him--he had to defend himself by saying that he was young and ignorant.Lushin came twice a day, but didn't stay long; since our last conversation I have been a little afraid of him, and at the same time feel that I like him from the bottom of my heart.Once he was walking with me in the Neskucciny Park. He was very kind and friendly, and told me the names and properties of various flowers and plants. He raised his voice and shouted: "But I, a fool, thought she was a coquettish woman! It seems that for some people-sacrificing themselves is also a happy thing."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. "I don't want to tell you anything," Lushin replied brokenly. Zinaïda kept avoiding me: my presence—would trouble her. She always turns her face away involuntarily and ignores me... Involuntarily, what a painful thing this is, how sad it makes me, but there is no way - I try my best not to let her see me, just look at me secretly from a distance watching her, but that's not something I can do very often.She was still changing inexplicably, as always: her face changed, she became another person entirely.Especially on a warm and calm evening, I was amazed by the change in her.I was sitting that day on a low bench under a large elder bush; I liked this place very much, because from here I could see the window of Zinaïda's room.I sat; above my head a small bird flitted busily among the fading leaves; a gray cat straightened its back and slid cautiously into the garden; Although it was a little dim, there was a low hum in the clear sky.I sat looking at the window, waiting to see if it would open: it did open, and Zinaïda was standing at the window.She wore a pure white dress—she herself, her face, her shoulders, and her hands were as pale as her dress.For a long time she stood motionless; her brows were furrowed, and she gazed intently.I've never seen her look like that.Then she clasped her hands, very tight, and lifted them to her mouth, then to her forehead, and suddenly she put her fingers out, brushed her hair behind her ears, and shook it again—with such determination He nodded, and then slammed the window shut.

Three days later she met me in the garden.I tried to avoid her, but she stopped me. “Please hold out your hand,” she said to me, as genial as ever, “we haven’t talked in a long time.” I glanced over: her eyes had a soft gleam, her face was smiling—as if through a layer of smoke. "Have you recovered yet?" I asked her. "No, everything is all right now," she answered, and plucked a small red rose. "I'm a little tired, but that's going to be okay." "Will you be the same again?" I asked. Zinaida held the red rose close to her face, and it seemed to me that the reflection of the bright petals fell on her cheek.

"Have I changed?" she asked me. "Yes, you have changed," I replied quietly. "I know I'm cold to you," began Zinaïda, "but don't mind... I have nothing else to do... Well, why talk about it!" "You don't want me to love you—that's all!? I exclaimed sullenly, agitated. "No, you will love me, but not as you used to." "Then how can I love you?" "Let's be friends—that's all." Zinaïda told me to smell the roses.Listen to me, you know I'm much older than you, I can be your aunt, really; well, I can't be your aunt, at least I can be your eldest sister.But you..." "I'm just a child to you," I interrupted her.

"Well, yes, a boy, and a lovely boy, a clever boy, whom I like very much. Do you know now? From this day I appoint you as my boy bodyguard; don't you forget, A young guard is not allowed to leave his queen. This is the sign of your new title," she added, and stuck the rose in the buttonhole of my jacket. "This is my favor for you." sign." "I've had another favor from you before," I muttered. "Ah!" whispered Zinaïda, and glanced sideways at me. "What a memory he has! Well, now I want to..." She leaned over to me, leaving a pure and peaceful kiss on my forehead.

I only glanced at her, but she turned away, and said, "Come with me, my boy guard." She went toward the wing.I followed her, too, but I remained bewildered. "Could it be," I wondered, "is this gentle, sensible girl the Zinaïda I knew?" Her gait seemed to me more steady, and her whole person seemed more dignified and charming. ... God!With what power love has rekindled in my heart!