Chapter 85 Part Two - Twenty Three

Nekhludoff had known Selenin since he was a student at the university.At that time he was a good boy, a loyal friend, a well-bred young man in the upper class, a good deal with people, and he was handsome, personable, and very honest and sincere.He didn't work very hard, nor did he have the slightest bookishness, but he read very well and won gold medals several times for his papers. He regards serving people as his life goal not only in words, but also in actual actions.He believed that there was no other way to serve people but to work in a government agency, so as soon as he graduated, he made a systematic study of all the jobs that could contribute to his strength, and concluded that it would be most beneficial to work in the second office of the Legislative Office, so he entered that organ.However, despite his conscientiousness and devotion to his duties, he felt that this kind of work did not satisfy his desire to benefit people, nor did he feel that it was his duty to do so.This feeling of dissatisfaction was heightened by his conflict with his superficial and vulgar boss, and he left the Second Service and was transferred to the Privy Council.He went to the Privy Council and felt better, but the feeling of dissatisfaction still plagued him frequently.

He always felt that everything was the exact opposite of what he expected, that everything was the exact opposite of what it should be.During his tenure in the Privy Council, his relatives worked hard for him and found him a position as a palace attendant.So he had to put on his embroidered uniform and white linen corset, and drive from house to house to thank them for making him a servant.He thought about it, but he couldn't explain the significance of this errand.He felt that this kind of errand was more "wrong" than a government office, but on the one hand he could not refuse the appointment without angering those who were eager to help him.On the other hand, this appointment catered to his bad nature.He saw himself in the mirror in his gold-laced uniform, and he was awed and smug at the sight of him.

The same thing happened to him with regard to marriage.They arranged for him a very happy marriage in the eyes of the upper class.He married mainly because, if he refused the marriage, he would offend and hurt the bride and relatives who wanted it to succeed, but also because his vanity was gratified by marrying this young, beautiful, and well-born girl. .But inside. ""Xunzi" attaches great importance to the way of being a person. Han Fei understood the way as "the way everything is, and this marriage soon proved that it was more "wrong" than government positions and court errands.After his wife gave birth to her first child, she refused to have any more children and began to live a luxurious social life, which he had to participate in whether he wanted to or not.She was not particularly beautiful, but she was faithful to him.However, not to mention that her way of life has seriously affected her husband's life, it can be said that she has nothing to gain except wasting a lot of energy and getting too tired.Even so, she tried her best to maintain this kind of life.He tried everything possible to change this way of life, but with the support of her relatives and friends, she believed that this was the way to live, and as a result, his attempts were shattered like hitting a stone wall.

They had a girl with long curly blond hair and white legs.But the father did not like her, chiefly because she had not been brought up as he wished.There were often estrangements between the husband and wife, and even both parties were unwilling to understand each other. Therefore, a secret struggle that was kept quiet, concealed from outsiders, and kept a certain amount because of etiquette made his family life very painful.In this way, his family life was even more "wrong" than his official duties and court errands. But what was most "wrong" was his attitude towards religion.Like all his contemporaries and circles, he easily, as his intellect grew, threw off the shackles of the religious superstitions in which he had been educated, and did not know when.He was a serious and honest man who, in his youth, at the university and in the company of Nekhludoff, had flouted the superstitions of the official religion.But with the passage of time and the promotion of official positions, especially the rise of conservative and reactionary forces in society at that time, this spiritual freedom began to conflict with his activities.Not to mention the family situation, especially the requiem service after his father's death, his mother's request for him to fast, and the pressure exerted by public opinion on him, even if he holds a job in an agency, he has to participate in prayers, offerings, thanksgiving, etc. , it is a rare day without contact with religious rituals, and it is impossible to escape.There was only one choice for such services: either to pretend to believe (which was impossible by his honest nature), or to consider these religious ceremonies hypocritical, and to avoid them as much as possible.But it takes a lot of work to deal with this seemingly innocuous problem.In addition to having to constantly struggle with those around him, he has to completely change his position, give up his public office, and sacrifice the benefits he thinks he has brought to people through his current position and the more benefits he will bring to people in the future.In order to do this, one must be convinced that one's point of view is correct.He has such confidence, just like all educated people today, as long as they know a little bit of history, the origin of religion, and the origin and division of Christianity, they cannot but believe that this view is correct.He is also quite right in denying the truth of the teachings proclaimed by the Church.

However, under the pressure of living environment, he, an honest man, had to deceive himself.He said to himself that in order to prove that the irrational is irrational, the irrational must first be studied.This is a little hypocrisy Lange (FriedrichAlbertLange, 1828-1875) German philosophy, but it led him to a big hypocrisy, so he still can not extricate themselves. He was born and raised in the atmosphere of the Orthodox Church. People around him all want him to believe in the Orthodox Church. If he does not recognize this religion, he will not be able to continue to engage in activities that benefit people.Therefore, he already had an answer in his heart to the question of whether the Orthodox Church he raised himself was correct.At the same time, in order to clarify this problem, he does not read the works of Voltaire, Schopenhauer, Spencer, or Comte, but reads the philosophy of Hegel and the religious treatises of Vinay and Khomyakov.Naturally, he found in those treatises what he needed: spiritual comfort and a defense of doctrine.He has been influenced by religious teachings since he was a child, but his reason has long since denied it.However, without religion, the whole life is full of troubles, and just admit it, all troubles will disappear.In addition, he also learned all kinds of popular sophistry, such as individual wisdom cannot know the truth, only the sum of human wisdom can discover the truth; the only way to know the truth is God's revelation, and God's revelation can only be preserved by the church, etc. .Since then, he has attended prayers, requiem services, Mass, and fasting with peace of mind, crossed himself before the icon, and continued to serve in institutions without feeling that he was deceiving himself or others.Service in an institution made him feel useful and brought comfort to his joyless home life.He thought he believed in the Orthodox Church, but on the other hand, he felt more strongly than ever in his body and mind that this belief was completely "wrong".

-------- ① Voltaire (1694-1778) - French Enlightenment thinker, Schopenhauer (1788-1860) - German philosopher, Spencer (1820-1903) - British philosopher, Comte (1798-1857) - French philosopher.They deny Christianity to varying degrees. ② Hegel (1770-1831) - German philosopher, Vinay - Swiss theologian in the nineteenth century, Homi Yakov (1804-1860) - Russian Slavophile theorist.They recognize Christianity from different standpoints. For this reason, his eyes are always so sad.It was for this reason that when he saw Nekhludoff he remembered what kind of man he was when he knew Nekhludoff before he had acquired such hypocrisy.Especially after he could not wait to hint his religious views to Nekhludoff, he felt unprecedentedly strongly that all this was "wrong", and he felt very sad.Nekhludoff, after a moment of joy at seeing this old friend, felt the same way.

It was for this reason that the two of them, although they expressed their desire to meet again, did not seek an opportunity to meet, and consequently they did not meet again during Nekhludoff's stay in Petersburg.