Chapter 36 Part One - Thirty Three

When Nekhludoff woke up the next day, he was the first to realize that something had happened to him.Before he even figured out what it was, he decided it was a great thing. "Katyusha, judge." By the way, you can't lie anymore, you must tell the whole truth.It just so happened that this morning he received a letter from Maria, the chief noble lady.Nekhludoff had been waiting for this letter for a long time, and it was now of special importance to him.Maria gave him full freedom and wished him a happy marriage and a happy life in the future. "Marriage!" he said mockingly. "I'm so far away from that now!"

He remembered that yesterday he was going to tell her husband the whole truth, apologize to him, and be willing to let him have his way.But this morning he felt that the matter was not as easy to handle as he had thought yesterday. "Besides, why bother him if he doesn't know? Of course I'll tell him if he asks. But why tell him? No, it's not necessary." He too had found it difficult this morning to tell Missy the whole truth.This kind of thing is really difficult to talk about, and it will make people laugh.Some things in the world can only be tacit.This morning he had made up his mind: he would no longer go to their house, but if they asked, he would tell the truth.

But nothing should be hidden from Katyusha. "I'm going to go to the prison once, tell her all about it, and ask her forgiveness. If necessary, yes, if necessary, I'll marry her," he thought. The idea of ​​marrying her at the expense of everything to achieve moral perfection had struck him as particularly dear this morning. He hadn't greeted a new day with such vigor in a long time.As soon as Agrafena came in, he declared decisively - so decisively that even he himself did not expect to be so decisive - that he no longer wanted the house or her services.It turned out that he had an unspoken agreement with Agrafena, that he kept this large and expensive house for his marriage.Therefore, the matter of relinquishing the lease has a special meaning.Agrafena looked at him in surprise.

"Thank you very much for all the care you have given me, Agrafena. I will not need such a large house in the future, nor will I need servants. If you will help me, I will trouble you to clean these things, just like mother Pack them up like you did when you were alive. When Natasha comes, she'll take care of it." Natasha was Nekhludoff's sister. Agrafina shook her head. "How to deal with it? Don't all these things have to be used?" She said. "No, not at all, Agrafena, probably not at all," Nekhludoff replied, seeing her shake her head. "I would also like to ask you to take the trouble to tell Kearney that I will give him two more months' salary, and he will not be used in the future."

"Dmitri Ivanitch, you can't do that!" she said. "Well, you just want to go abroad once, and you still need a house when you come back later." "You are mistaken, Agrafena. I will not go abroad; I will go somewhere else." His face flushed red. "Yes, she must be told," thought Nekhludoff, "there should be no concealment, the whole truth must be told to everyone." "An unexpected event happened to me yesterday. Do you remember Katyusha at Aunt Maria's?" "Of course I remember. I taught her needlework." "Ah, that Katyusha was tried in court yesterday, and I happened to be on the jury."

"Oh, my God, what a pity!" said Agrafena. "What crime has she committed to deserve trial?" "Murder. I did it all." "How could it be you who did it? You speak so strangely," said Agrafena. Her presbyopic eyes gleamed mischievously. She knew about his affair with Katyusha. "Yes, I was the culprit. I changed all my plans for that reason." "How did that change your mind?" said Agrafena, suppressing a laugh. "Since I caused her to go down that road, I should do my best to help her." "It's because you have a good heart, and you haven't made any serious mistakes. That kind of thing happens to everyone. If you think about it calmly, it doesn't matter, and it will be forgotten. It's not like everyone else, "Agrafina said solemnly, "You don't have to take all the responsibility on yourself. I've heard that she has gone astray, so who can I blame?"

"Blame me. So I want to remedy that." "Ah, it's not a good thing to fix." "This is my responsibility. If you have any embarrassment, just think about how my mother hoped..." "I have no difficulty. I have always been grateful to Mrs. Late, and I have no other wishes. My Lisa told me to go (Lisa is her married niece), and I will not be needed here. , I'll go to her. You don't have to worry about that kind of thing, it's inevitable for anyone." "Well, I don't think so. But I ask you to get rid of this house and pack my things. Don't be angry with me. I am very grateful for your kindness, very grateful."

Strange to say, since Nekhludoff hated himself when he realized his baseness, he no longer hated anyone else.On the contrary, he felt that Agrafena and Kearney were kind and respectable.He really wanted to tell Kearney his remorse, but seeing Kearney's respectful expression, he dared not do so again. On his way to the court Nekhludoff drove through the streets he usually passed in the same carriage, but even he was surprised that today he was quite a different person. Marriage to Missy, which had seemed desirable to him yesterday, seemed impossible today.Yesterday he thought that in terms of his position she would undoubtedly be happy in marrying him, but today he felt that he was not only unworthy of marrying her, but simply unworthy of her intimacy. "If she knew what I was, she'd never have anything to do with me. And I'm going to blame her for flirting with that gentleman. No, even if she married me now, and I know that woman's in the local jail Here, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow I will be exiled with a large number of prisoners to do hard labor. Can I be happy? Not only can I not be happy, but I can’t have peace of mind. The woman I spoiled is going to do hard labor, but I am here to accept congratulations from others. To take my young wife out on a visit. Or, I cheated on the chief nobleman, shamelessly intrigued with his wife, and at the same time attended the meeting with him, and counted the votes to see how many people were in favor of and how many against Zemstvo supervision. School and stuff like that, and asking her out for a tryst after the fact, how despicable it is! Or, I'll just keep on painting, knowing that it's never going to be painted, because I'm never supposed to be doing that kind of nonsense .In fact I can't do that kind of thing at all," he said to himself, secretly pleased with the change in his heart.

"First go to a lawyer," he thought, "and get his opinion, and then . When he thought of how to meet her, how to tell her what was in his heart, how to confess to her, how to atone for his sins, he would do anything, even marry her—when he thought of this, he was so excited that he couldn't hold back his tears. Can't help but come out of my eyes.