Chapter 21 Part One - Eighteen

The next day, well-dressed and in good spirits, Shenbok came to Nekhludoff's aunt's house to look for him.Schönbach won the hearts of the two aunts by his elegance, courteousness, optimism, generosity, and friendship with Nekhludoff.His generosity, though pleasing to the aunts, was a little too much, and it puzzled them.A few blind beggars came to the door, and he gave them a ruble.He gave rewards to his servants, fifteen rubles at a time.Aunt Sophia's little poodle, Shuczytka, broke its foot in front of him, so he bandaged it himself, and without hesitation took out his own lace and linen handkerchief (Aunt Sophia knew that this kind of handkerchief was at least Fifteen rubles a dozen), tear it into strips, and make bandages for Schuzetka.The aunts had never seen such a person before, and it would never have occurred to them that this Shenbok owed two hundred thousand rubles, and he knew that he would never pay it off, so twenty-five rubles more or twenty thousand less. Five rubles made no difference to him.

Shenbok stayed only one day, and left with Nekhludoff the next evening.They couldn't stay any longer because it was the deadline to report to the troops. During the last day at his aunt's, Nekhludoff could still vividly remember the events of the previous night.There were two emotions wrestling in his heart: one was the hot and lustful memory of animal love, which, although not as intoxicating as expected, had achieved its purpose and obtained a certain satisfaction after all; This feeling is to feel that I have done a very bad thing and must make up for it, but the making up is not for her, but for myself.

Nekhludoff had a vicious outbreak of egoism, and he thought only of himself.He considered whether and to what extent he would be blamed if they knew what he had done to her.He didn't expect to write "The Search for Truth", "Dialogues on Metaphysics" and so on. , what is her mood now, and what consequences will it have in the future. He thought that Shenbok had guessed his relationship with Katyusha, which satisfied his vanity. "No wonder you are suddenly so attached to the two aunts that you have stayed with them for a week," Shenbok said to Nekhludoff when he saw Katyusha. "If I were in your place, I wouldn't go. It's charming!"

Nekhludoff also thought that although he had not tasted enough of the joy of being in love with her, it would be a pity to leave here, but since he had to go, he might as well end this unsustainable relationship with a clean knife.It's not a bad thing to be a jailer for less than 40 years old and start to rule "Spring and Autumn Gongyang".He also thought that he should give her some money, not for her, not because she might need money, but because this is usually the way to do things like this.Now that he played with her, if he didn't give her some money, people would say he was not a decent man.He therefore gave her a sum of money which, for his position and her position, he considered quite generous.

On the day before he left, he had eaten lunch and waited for her on the porch.She blushed when she saw him.She gave him a wink, signaled to him that the door of the maid's room was open, and wanted to go through, but he stopped her. "I want to say goodbye to you," he said, rubbing the envelope with the hundred-rouble note in it. "this is me……" Guessing what it was, she frowned, shook her head, and pushed his hand away. "No, here you go," he murmured, thrusting the envelope into her arms.He frowned, hummed, and ran back to his room as if being burned by fire.

Then he paced back and forth in the room for a long time, and when he remembered the scene just now, he twitched all over, and even jumped up, moaning loudly, as if he felt physical pain. "But what can be done? Everyone is like that. Shenbok did it with his governess, he told it himself. Uncle Grisha did it too. Father did it too. At that time My father lived in the country, and by that peasant woman had an illegitimate son, Mitenka, who is still alive. If everyone does this, it is only right." He comforted himself in this way, but he couldn't help himself.As soon as he thought of it, his conscience was condemned.

In his heart, deep in his heart, he knew what he was doing was mean, bad, cruel.When he thought of this, he not only had no right to blame others, but he dared not look people in the eye, let alone think of himself as a noble, pure, and generous young man as before.But he must maintain the original view of himself in order to live happily and confidently.And there's only one way to do that, and that's by not thinking about it.That's what he did. He started a new life: he came to a new environment, met new colleagues, and went to war.The longer this kind of life went on, the less the memory of that event faded, and at last he really forgot it altogether.

Only once, after the war, did he abduct Katyusha to his aunt's house in the hope of seeing her, and only then did he know that she was no longer there.Soon after he left, she left her aunt's house to go out to give birth and had a baby.The aunts were told that she had fallen completely.He was very sad.According to the time of delivery, the child she gave birth to may be his, but it may not be his.Both aunts said she was corrupt because, like her mother, she was naturally lascivious.He was happy to hear his aunts say this, because it seemed to exonerate him.At first he wanted to look for her and the child, but then, being too pained and ashamed to think of it, he made no effort to look for it, and forgot his guilt and thought of it no more.

But now, this unexpected coincidence reminded him of everything, forcing him to admit that he had no heart, admitted that he was cruel and despicable, that he could live with peace of mind for ten years with such a crime on his conscience.It was too early, however, for him to really admit it, and all he had in mind at the moment was that the matter should not be known, that she herself or her defenders should not reveal the whole thing, and make him a public fool.