Chapter 19 Part 1 - Sixteen

When Nekhludoff returned from church, he broke his fast with his aunts.To refresh himself, he drank vodka and wine, as was the custom in the army, and then retired to his room, threw himself on the bed with his clothes on, and fell asleep.A knock on the door woke him up.He heard from the knock on the door that it was her, so he rubbed his eyes, stretched himself and sat up. "Katyusha, is that you? Come in," he said, getting out of bed. She pushed the door open a little. "Please go to dinner," she said. She still wore the snow-white dress, but the bow in her hair was gone.She looked him in the eye with a smile on her face, as if she had told him some special good news.

"I'll be right there," he replied, picking up a comb to brush his hair. She stood there without walking.As soon as he noticed it, he dropped the comb and walked towards her.But at this moment, she turned quickly, and walked briskly along the flowered carpet in the aisle as usual. "I'm a fool," said Nekhludoff to himself, "why didn't I keep her?" He ran and caught up with her in the passage. What he wanted to do with her, he couldn't even tell himself.But he felt that when she walked into the room just now, he should do something to her like ordinary people do on such occasions, but he didn't do anything.

"Katyusha, wait a moment," he said. She looked back. "What do you want?" she said, stopping. "Nothing, but..." He raised his spirits, thinking of what ordinary men would do in such a situation, he put his arms around Katyusha's waist. She stopped and looked into his eyes. "Don't do it, Dmitri Ivanitch, don't do it," she said, blushing almost to tears, pushing away with her rough, strong hand the arm that was encircling her. Nekhludoff let her go, and for a moment he felt not only terribly ashamed, but disgusted with himself.He ought to believe in his feelings, but he did not know that shame was the noblest feeling in his soul, but he thought himself stupid, and that he ought to act like other people.

He caught up to her again, put his arms around her, and kissed her neck.This time the kiss was different from the first two—the kiss that could not be restrained behind the lilac bed was quite different from the kiss in church this morning.This time the kiss was terrible, and she felt it too. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed, as if he had broken a priceless treasure beyond repair.She ran away from him. He goes to the restaurant.Two well-dressed aunts, a doctor and a neighbor waited at the hors d'oeuvres table.Everything was as usual, but a storm arose in Nekhludoff.He didn't listen at all to what was said to him, he answered inappropriately, and was only thinking of Katyusha and the kiss he had just had when he had caught up with her in the passage.He had no mind for anything else.Every time she came in, he didn't look at her, but he always felt that she was beside him, and he had to try his best not to look at her.

Immediately after lunch he went back to his room, walking up and down emotionally, listening for sounds in the house, hoping to hear her footsteps.The bestial man in him now not only raised his head, but trampled underfoot the spiritual man who had existed when he first came, and in church this morning.Now this hideous animal possessed his soul.Although he had been waiting for her, today he had no chance to see her alone.Most likely she was avoiding him.But in the evening she happened to be in the room next to his on business.It turned out that the doctor wanted to stay overnight, so Katyusha had to make his bed.When Nekhludoff heard her steps, he held his breath and followed her in on tiptoe, as if he were going to do something illegal.

She reached into the clean pillow case with both hands, grasped the corners of the pillow, looked back at him, and smiled, but it was not the original light-hearted laughter, but a pitiful wry smile of fear.This smile seemed to indicate to him that it was wrong for him to do so.He froze for a moment.You can still fight now.Although the voice of his true love for her was weak, it was still ringing after all. He had to think about her, her feelings, and her life.But there is another voice in his heart: Don't miss your own enjoyment, don't miss your own happiness.The voice in the rear overwhelmed the voice in front.He came up to her decisively.A terrible, irrepressible animality seized him.

Nekhludoff put his arms around her and sat her down on the bed.He felt that there was still something to do, so he sat down beside her. "Dmitry Ivanitch, my dear sir, please let go," she begged. "Matrona is here!" she cried, trying to free herself.There were indeed footsteps outside the door. "Then I'll see you tonight," said Nekhludoff. "Aren't you alone in the house?" "What are you talking about? Don't do it! Don't do it!" she said, but her whole excited and flustered expression showed another thing. It was Matrona who came.She went into the room with a quilt over her arm, cast a disapproving glance at Nekhludoff, and reproached Katyusha for taking the wrong quilt.

Nekhludoff went out in silence.He wasn't even ashamed.He could see from Matrona's face that she blamed him, and rightly so, because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but the animality that had been suppressed by his pure love for her now controlled him, Occupied him and killed all other affections.Now he knew what to do to satisfy this animal nature, so he tried his best to find a way. All evening he was restless, going to his aunts' room, going to his own room, and going up the steps again, thinking only of one thing, how to see her alone.However, she was avoiding him, and Matrona was not far from her.