Chapter 99 Chapter Ninety-Nine

Philip began pawning clothes.In order to austerity, in addition to breakfast, he ate one meal a day, with only some bread, butter and cocoa.This meal is at four o'clock in the afternoon, so that it can last until the next morning.At nine o'clock in the evening, I was hungry and unable to support myself, so I had to go to bed.He considered asking Lawson for a loan, but balked at being rejected for fear of being rejected, and finally failed, and went to him for five pounds.Lawson was more than happy to lend Philip the money, but as he did so he said: "You'll pay me back in a week or so, won't you? I've got to pay my frame man with the money, and I'm pretty tight right now."

Philip knew that he would never have to pay the money then, but he was ashamed to think what Lawson would think of him.So, three or two days later, the money was returned to Lawson without change.Lawson, who was going out to lunch, saw Philip and invited him to dine with him.Philip, who could not eat anything at all, was of course glad to have a decent meal with him.He was sure to have a good meal at Athelny's on Sunday.He was a little hesitant to tell the Athelnys about himself, for they had always considered him well-to-do, and feared that they would think less of him if they knew he was penniless.

Although he has never lived a rich life, he never imagined that he would end up starving.Such things never happened among the people he lived with.He felt ashamed, as if suffering from an ignominious disease.His experience was no longer adequate for the predicament he was in.He was dismayed that he did not know what else to do but go on in the hospital.He has a vague hope that things will get better, and he doesn't quite believe what's happening now will be true.When he first started school, he often thought that his school life was just a dream, and he would find himself back home when he woke up.But before long it occurred to him that in a week or so he would be out of pocket and penniless, and would have to hurry up and find some way to make some money.If he had already qualified as a doctor, he could have gone to the Cape of Good Hope even with a lame, because there was a great need for medical personnel at that time.Had it not been for his handicap, he might have been drafted into the Yeomanry, which is often sent abroad.Philip approached the secretary of the medical school and asked if he could be allowed to tutor weaker students, but the secretary said he had no hope of doing such a job.Philip, reading the advertisement columns in the medical papers, found a man who had opened a dispensary in the Fulham Road, and applied to him to be an unqualified assistant.When Philip went to talk to the man, he caught the doctor glancing at his limp.When Philip said that he was still a fourth grader, the doctor immediately said that he was not experienced enough.Philip knew it was an excuse, that the man would not want an assistant who was not as nimble as he had imagined.Philip then turned his attention to other ways of making money.He knew both French and German, and on that basis he might be able to find a job as a clerk.Though shy about pre-mailing a personal application as advertised, he applied to companies that asked for his credentials.But he has no qualifications at all, and no one to recommend him.He realized that neither his French nor his German were adequate for business, since he knew nothing of the language of business, and he could neither write shorthand nor type.He had to admit that he was at the end of his rope.He contemplated writing a letter to the lawyer who was his father's executor, but dared not, because, contrary to the lawyer's unmistakable advice, he had sold all the deeds enclosing his entire estate. .Philip learned from his uncle that Mr. Nixon didn't like him at all.Mr. Nixon learned from the accounting office that Philip had been inactive and idle all year.

"I'd rather starve," murmured Philip to himself. Once or twice he contemplated suicide.Considering the ease with which poisons could be obtained from hospital pharmacies, he took comfort in the thought that, even at the worst, he had at hand the means of taking his own life painlessly.However, he didn't think about it seriously at all.When Mildred abandoned him and went away with Griffiths, he was so sad that he really wanted to die to relieve his mental pain.But right now he doesn't want to seek life and death like he did that time.Philip remembered what the nurse in the emergency room had said to him.People kill themselves more often out of money than out of love, she said.He considered himself an exception.At this moment, he couldn't help laughing out loud.Philip wished so much that he could tell people all his worries, but he could not bring himself to tell them.He felt embarrassed.He continued to go out and look for work.He hadn't paid rent for three weeks and explained to the landlady that he wouldn't get the money until the end of the month.The landlady didn't make a sound after hearing this, but just pursed her lips, her face was as cold as ice.At the end of the month the landlady came and asked Philip if it was not a good idea for him to pay some of the rent in advance.The landlady's words made him sick.He said he had no money to pay the rent, but he told the landlady that he would write to his uncle and that next Saturday he would surely be able to settle the rent arrears.

"Well, I hope you'll settle the bill, Mr. Carey, because I have to pay the rent myself, and I can't keep the bill in arrears." She said it calmly, but there was something in it The smell of decisiveness makes people feel uneasy.She paused and then said, "If you don't pay the rent next Saturday, I'm going to file a complaint with the hospital secretary." "Oh, I'll pay, don't worry." The landlady looked at him for a moment, then glanced across the empty room.When she spoke again, her tone was still flat and her tone was flat, as if she was talking about the most ordinary thing.

"I've got a hot, savory hunk of meat downstairs, and if you'd like to come down to the kitchen, you're welcome to share this lunch." Philip suddenly felt hot all over, and was so ashamed that he almost didn't cry. "Thank you very much, Mrs. Higgins, but I don't feel hungry at all right now." "Very well, sir." As soon as the landlady was gone, Philip threw himself on the bed, clenched his fists, and tried to keep from crying.