Chapter 96 Chapter Ninety-Six

After two or three weeks the quarrel between Philip and Mildred came to a head.Mildred was baffled by Philip's behavior and was very angry.It was as if she had knocked over a bottle of five flavors in her heart, sour, sweet, bitter, spicy, salty, all kinds of emotions came up at the same time, but she changed her mood calmly and freely.She often sits alone in a corner, thinking about her situation in the future.She didn't verbalize all her feelings, she didn't even know what they were, but something that came to mind was so clear and obvious.So she chewed and savored over and over again.She had never understood Philip, and did not like him very much, but she was glad to have him by her side, because she thought Philip was a gentleman.She had this impression because his father was a doctor and his uncle was a priest.She looked down on him a little bit, and teased him like a fool, and she always felt bad in his presence.She could not make up her mind to go away, but she felt that Philip was always picking on her, and she was very unhappy.

When she first came to the little room in Kennington, she was exhausted and ashamed.Being able to live a quiet life without being disturbed was exactly what she wished for.The thought of not having to rent a house in the village made her feel very relieved.No matter the weather is good or bad, she doesn't have to go out, and if she feels unwell, she can lie on the bed and rest quietly.She hated the life she had lived.Seeing people have to make three-point smiles, and you have to bow your knees and show courteousness, that kind of job is simply terrible.Even now, when she thought of men's rudeness and their foul language, when those scenes flashed in her mind, she could not help but weep bitterly for her miserable life.But that life of the past rarely came to her mind.Philip helped her jump out of the fire, and she was grateful.When she recalled how sincerely Philip had loved her and how unreasonably she had treated him, a feeling of remorse and remorse came over her.It was not so easy to make up with Philip as before.From her point of view, this is not a big deal.She was not surprised when Philip refused her suggestion, but she just shrugged her shoulders contemptuously: let him put on airs if he wants to, she doesn't care.It won't be long before he becomes impatient, and by then it will be until she refuses.If Philip thought that by his airs there was nothing she could do, he was gravely mistaken.There was no doubt that she could still hold him.Philip was a little unpredictable, but that didn't matter, she knew his temper.Philip often quarreled with her, and swore he would never see her again, but before long he came back, knelt before her, and begged forgiveness.Mildred felt ecstasy when she thought of the ugly state of Philip prostrating before her.Philip would even lie on the ground willingly and let her Mildred step over him.She had seen him weep bitterly.Mildred knew how to deal with Philip: ignore him, let him lose his temper, pretend he didn't see it, and deliberately snub him, and he would come to her and beg for mercy after a while.Suddenly the servile and pitiful look of Philip before her came into her mind, and she laughed, and felt very happy.This time she was out of breath.She had had enough of men, and she didn't want to have anything to do with them right now.She was almost determined to spend her life with Philip.After all, after all, Philip is an out-and-out gentleman, which can't be ridiculed, can it?Is not it?In any case, she was in no hurry, and she was not prepared to take the initiative.It pleased Mildred to see Philip growing more and more fond of her daughter, though it sometimes seemed ridiculous to her.It was ridiculous that he would love her child so much with another man.Needless to say, Philip was a bit of a queer guy.

However, there were one or two things that surprised her.She was used to Philip's obedience and obedience to her.In the past, he would have liked to run errands for her.She often saw him dejected by one of his angry words and elated by one of his kind words.But now he has become a different person.Mildred said to herself that Philip had not changed at all during the year.It never occurred to her that a change in Philip's feelings should occur, the possibility never crossed her mind for a moment, and she always thought that Philip's indifference during her outbursts was a sham. .Sometimes when he wanted to read, he told her directly to shut up.She didn't know what to do with herself at the moment, to retaliate, to get angry, or to swallow it up and accept it; she was bewildered, and there was no reaction.Then, in the middle of a conversation, Philip told her that he only wanted their relationship to be a purely spiritual one.At this moment Mildred remembered an incident of their friendship, and she suddenly thought that Philip was afraid that she might become pregnant.For this reason, she tried her best to comfort him and assured him that there would be no leaks, but Philip remained indifferent and remained the same.It was impossible for a woman like Mildred to understand that there were men less carnal than she, and that her own relationship with a man was purely physical.She would never understand that men have other interests and hobbies.It occurred to her that Philip was in love with something else.So she watched Philip secretly, suspecting that he had hooked up with the nurses in the hospital or the wild women outside.She asked Philip a few tactful questions, but from his answers she learned that there was no one in Athelny's house whom she should worry about.She also fancied that Philip, like other medical students, had come into contact with nurses through work, without realizing that they were women.In his mind they were always associated with the faint smell of iodoform.No one wrote to Philip, and he had no picture of the girl among his things.If he had loved it he would have kept it well hidden, but he answered all of Mildred's questions with the utmost frankness, and found nothing in them.

"I am sure he is not in love with any other woman," said Mildred to herself. The incident broke her heart.So of course Philip loved her, Mildred.But this made Philip's behavior seem incomprehensible.If he had treated her that way, why had he asked her to live in the flat in the first place?Isn't this too bizarre!It never occurred to a woman like Mildred that pity, generosity, and kindness could ever exist.The only conclusion she could draw was that Philip was an unpredictable man.She even thought that there was only one reason for Philip's manner, and that was that he was chivalrous and respectful of women.Her head was full of the dirty nonsense of the dime novels, and she was full of fantasies and romantic explanations for Philip's disturbing behaviour.Her imagination ran wild, remembering painful misunderstandings, the purification of the holy fire, white hearts, and the freezing cold on Christmas Eve.She was determined to put an end to his wild ideas while they were on vacation in Brighton.Because once there, the two of them could be alone, and everyone around them would no doubt think of them as a married couple.Besides, there's a pier and an orchestra there.When she found that nothing she said could get Philip to share a room with her, and when he talked to her about it in a tone she had never heard before, it dawned on her that he didn't need her at all.At this moment, she was terrified.She could still remember Philip's fond words to her, and the days when he had been madly in love with her.She felt ashamed and hated in her heart, which was very unpleasant.But she was born with an arrogant and arrogant character, and she was fine after being sad for a while.Don't think Philip that she really loves him; she doesn't love him at all.Sometimes, she hated him to death, wishing to humiliate him well one day.But she found that she was so helpless that she didn't know what to do with him.Mildred grew increasingly uncomfortable with him.And once or twice she wept bitterly to herself.On several occasions she resolved to be especially friendly to him, but when she took Philip's arm as they strolled side by side in the street in front of the flat, he always found an excuse to get away, as if he felt a touch from her. Very uncomfortable.She couldn't figure it out.Now she could influence him only through her daughter, for he seemed to grow fond of her daughter: a slap or a hard shove from her was enough to make Philip turn white with rage.

Only when she stood with her daughter in her arms did Philip's eyes return to their old soft smile.She discovered the secret once when a man standing on the beach took a picture of her and her daughter.She had often made this gesture ever since, just for Philip to see. When they both returned to London from Brighton, Mildred began looking for work, which she said was easy to find.At this time, she no longer wanted to rely on Philip, but she recalled the scene where she told Philip with pride that she was about to move into a new house with her children.She thought that would be murderous.However, when she was about to find a job, she suddenly changed her mind.She had grown unaccustomed by now to long hours of work, and she did not want to be sent around by a lady boss, and her dignity repulsed her at the thought of having to put on a uniform again.She had already told all the neighbors she knew that she and Philip were doing very well, and if they heard that she had to go to work, where would she put her face?Her innate inertia and persistence raised her head.She did not want to leave Philip, and besides, as long as he was willing to support her, she did not see why she should.It was true that they could not spend money freely, but she had something to eat and a place to live after all, and Philip would be better off.His uncle was old and could die at any moment, and then he would get a small fortune; even at this time, it was better than working day and night for a few shillings a week. A lot.So her search for work eased, and though she continued to read the advertisement columns in the newspaper, it was only an act of showing that she wanted to work as long as there was something worthwhile for her.But a dread seized her, lest Philip should grow tired of him and would no longer bear her maintenance.At the moment she could not hold Philip at all.Philip kept her with her, she thought, because he liked the child.She kept thinking about it, and she was thinking angrily that someday she would have to take revenge on Philip.She couldn't be reconciled to the fact that Philip didn't like her anymore, she wanted to find a way to make him like her.She was burning with rage, but sometimes she longed for Philip without knowing why.Now his attitude has become as cold as ice, which really pissed her off.So she thought of Philip constantly.She thought Philip had been cruel to her, and she didn't know what she had done wrong to deserve it.She kept saying that it was unreasonable to live together like they did.Then she thought that if things were different and she was about to give birth, he would certainly marry her.Philip was eccentric, but he was a real gentleman, no one could deny that.Over time, she became obsessed, and she made up her mind to take tough measures to bring about a turning point in their relationship.He had been refusing to kiss her of late, and she wished so much that he would kiss her.She still clearly remembers how he pressed her lips so passionately in the past.Whenever she thought of this matter, she couldn't help feeling an indescribable emotion in her heart.She often looked intently at Philip's mouth.

One evening in early February Philip told Mildred that he was going to have dinner with Lawson.Lawson was having a birthday party in his studio that day.He also said that it would be very late to come back.Lawson ordered a few bottles of their favorite concoction from the tavern on Peak Street.They were going to have a good night's play.Mildred asked if there were any ladies there, and Philip said there were no ladies, only men, who were only going to sit and talk and smoke.Mildred didn't think such a birthday party sounded very interesting, and if she had been a painter, half a dozen models would have been placed around the room.She went to bed alone, but couldn't sleep at all.Immediately she made up her mind, got up from the bed, and ran to fasten the bolt on the landing, so that Philip could not come in.It was about one o'clock in the middle of the night when Philip came back to the flat when she heard Philip scolding when he found the latch in place.She climbed out of bed and ran to unlatch it.

"Why are you plugged in to sleep? Oh, I'm sorry I dragged you out of bed." "I pulled the latch out of the way and don't know how it got in." "Go back to sleep, or you won't catch a cold." Philip went into the living room and turned on the gas lamp.Mildred came in after him, and went straight to the fireplace. "My feet are cold, I need a fire to warm them up." Philip sat down and began to take off his boots.His eyes were shining, and his cheeks were flushed.She thought he must have been drinking. "Have you had a good time?" asked Mildred, smiling sweetly at him.

"Of course, I had a great time!" Philip was quite sane, but he had been talking and laughing all the time at Lawson's, so he was very excited for the moment.This supper brought back memories of his old life in Paris.Excited, he took out his pipe from his pocket and filled it with tobacco. "Aren't you asleep?" Mildred asked. "I don't want to sleep yet, not even a little sleepy. Lawson is full of energy. From the moment I came to his studio, his mouth didn't stop, and he kept talking until I left." "What are you talking about?" "God knows, there's a lot to talk about. You should go see that scene, we're all yelling like crazy, and there's no one around to listen."

Philip laughed joyfully when he recalled the supper scene, and Mildred laughed too.It was clear to her that Philip had drunk too much.She wished he was drunk.She really knows the habits of men. "May I sit down?" she asked. Before Philip could reply, she sat firmly on his lap. "If you're not sleeping yet, you'd better put on your pajamas." "Oh, that's good." As soon as she finished speaking, she spread her arms, hooked his neck, pressed her face tightly against his, and then said, "Why have you become so terrible, Fei?" you?" Philip tried to get up, but she would not let him.

"I love you, Philip," she said. "Don't say such goddamn talk." "It's not fake, it's real. I can't live without you. I need you." Philip wrenched her arms from his neck. "Stand up, please. You're making an idiot of me, too, by teasing yourself." "I love you, Philip. I want to make up for all the wrongs I have done to you. I can't live like this any longer. It's not human." Philip got up from the easy chair and left Mildred alone. "Sorry, it's too late now." Suddenly Mildred sobbed bitterly.

"But why? How can you be so callous?" "I think it's because I loved you so much in the past. I've run out of enthusiasm. Just thinking about that kind of thing makes my hair stand on end with loathing. Now, whenever I see you, I can't help but Thinking of Emile and Griffiths. I can't help myself, I think, maybe it's neurotic." Mildred took Philip's hand and kissed it all over. "Come on," cried Philip involuntarily. Mildred sank into the easy chair dejectedly. "I can't live like this anymore. If you don't love me, I'd rather go." "Don't be silly, you have nowhere to go, and you can stay here as long as you like. But remember, we have nothing but friendship." All of a sudden, Mildred changed from the passionate expression just now, and smiled softly and coquettishly.She leaned close to Philip and threw her arms around him.She said in a soft, sweet voice: "Stop being so silly. You're feeling bad, I know that. But you don't know that I'm a good girl, too." After saying that, Mildred leaned her face against Philip's and rubbed it hard.But to Philip her smiling eyes were repulsive winks, and the obscenity they cast from them filled him with horror.He instinctively stepped back. "Let go of me!" he yelled. But Mildred would not let go.She pursed her lips and brought her lips close to Philip's.Philip took her hands, broke them apart roughly, and pushed her away violently. "You're a nuisance!" he shouted. "I?" Mildred steadied herself on the fire with one hand, and fixed her eyes on Philip for a moment, with two flushes in her cheeks.Suddenly she let out a high-pitched, angry laugh. "I still hate you!" She paused and took a deep breath.Then, she opened her voice and cursed loudly.Every obscenity she could think of was written.Philip was astonished at the obscenity and harshness of her words.In the past she had always been so eager to refine herself that she would change face at every rude remark.It never occurred to Philip that she had picked up the obscenities she had just uttered.She came up to Philip and turned her face directly into his.Her face was contorted with emotion.When she opened her throat to curse mothers endlessly, saliva dripped down the corners of her mouth. "I've never thought of you, not even a day. I've been playing you for a fool. I hate you when I see you. I hate you. I hate you. If it wasn't for the money, I'd never let you touch a finger of mine. I was sick of it when I had to let you kiss me. Griffiths and I laughed at you behind your back and laughed at you for being a complete ass. Stupid ass! Stupid ass! donkey!" What followed was a series of unbearable curse words.She threw all the meanness in the world on Philip, calling him a miser and a dull man, calling him a man of gold and jade, a man of misery, and selfishness.She had a bitter sarcasm on everything Philip was sensitive about.Finally, she turned sharply and walked away.At this time, she was still having a fit of hysteria, yelling and cursing uncleanly.She grabbed the doorknob and flung open the door.Then she turned round, and uttered a foul word, which wounded Philip in the heart.She knew that there was a saying that Philip hated to hear the most.So, she poured all her resentment and malice into her words, and cursed out of breath, like a blow to the head! "Cripple!"