Chapter 62 Chapter 62

Philip was not content to be at the mercy of his passions.He knows that everything in life is like passing smoke, and his lust will disappear sooner or later.He looked forward to this day with great anticipation.Love was like a parasite attached to his soul, sucking his blood to keep the damn life alive; it drove him so mad that he lost interest in all other things in life.In the past, he liked to go to the quiet and elegant St. James's Park, where he often sat and watched the luxuriant branches and leaves against the blue sky. The color and luster were so elegant and the outlines were clear, just like a Japanese engraving.He also often went to the beautiful Thames River, and felt that there was an irresistible charm in the scenery on the river where barges passed and docks adjoined.In addition, the ever-changing sky in London can arouse his reverie even more.But now, no matter how beautiful the scenery is, he has no heart to fall in love with it.He was bored and restless as long as he was not with Mildred.Sometimes he went to see pictures, trying to distract himself from his melancholy thoughts, and ended up rushing past the galleries of the National Gallery like a tourist, without a single picture stirring up a ripple of emotion in him.He even wondered whether the things he was obsessed with before would interest him again in the future.In the past, he couldn't put down the scroll and never tired of it, but now he feels that the paper is full of absurd and nonsense.As soon as he was free, he slipped into the smoking room of the medical school club and browsed periodical after magazine.This kind of love is really a kind of torture, and he resents himself for being trapped in it and unable to extricate himself.He became a prisoner in a cage, but he longed for freedom in his heart.

Sometimes when he wakes up in the morning, he feels nothing but peace of mind.A surge of ecstasy welled up in his soul, because he believed he was finally free: he didn't love her any more.Unexpectedly, after a while, when he was fully awake, the pain crept into his heart again, and he knew that his heart disease was still the same.Although he was madly infatuated with Mildred, but in his heart he despised her very much.He secretly said to himself: I am afraid that there is nothing in the world that is more tormenting than this kind of conflict between love and dislike. Philip has always had the habit of dissecting himself and exploring his inner feelings.After a period of repeated calculations, he finally came to the conclusion that only by making Mildred his mistress can he escape the torment of base lust.His torment consisted in the dissatisfaction of his sensual desires; and if this had been gratified, he might have been able to break free from the unbearable chains which bound his body and mind.He knew that Mildred was not interested in him in the slightest.Whenever he kissed her frantically, she always tried to break free out of instinctive disgust.This woman was not at all indifferent.Sometimes he went out of his way to talk about his love affairs in Paris, trying to arouse her jealousy, but she was not interested at all.Once or twice, he purposely sat at other tables to flirt with other waitresses, but she didn't take it seriously.Philip could see that she was not acting on purpose.

"You don't mind if I didn't come to your table this afternoon?" he asked once when he accompanied her to the train station. "The tables you're in charge of seem to be full." These words did not conform to the facts, and she didn't bother to point him out.In fact, even if she didn't take such things to heart, Philip would be very grateful if she could pretend to be concerned.It would be a great consolation to Philip's traumatized mind if he said a few reproaches. "I think it's silly of you to sit at a table all the time. You should be patronizing other girls' tables."

The more Philip thought about it, the more he felt that there was only one way out: only by asking her to commit himself to him could he gain physical and mental freedom.He was like a knight turned into a monster by magic in ancient times, eager to find the antidote that would restore his handsome human form.There was only a glimmer of hope for Philip.Mildred longed to go to Paris to open her eyes.For her, as for most Englishmen, Paris was a center of joy and fashion.She had heard talk of the Louvre Emporium, where you could buy the latest wares for about half the price of London.One of her girlfriends had gone to Paris on her honeymoon and spent a whole day at the Louvre.During her stay in Paris, she and her husband, my God, played all night long, and never went to bed until six o'clock in the morning.There are also "Moulin Rouge" and so on, which are confusing and endless.Philip thought that he did not care if she only reluctantly committed herself to fulfill her long-cherished wish to go to Paris.As long as his desire can be satisfied, he doesn't care about any conditions.He even had a farce-like crazy idea-wanted to give her anesthesia.During the meal, he kept persuading her to drink, trying to use the power of alcohol to stimulate her, but she just didn't like drinking.She liked to have Philip order champagne at every meal, because it was a stately wine on the table, and she never drank more than half a glass.She likes to keep the tankard full and leave it on the table untouched.

"Let the waiter see what we are," she said. Philip took the moment when she was particularly genial, and brought the matter up.At the end of March he took an anatomy exam.Easter was a week away, and she had three full days off then. "Listen, why don't you go to Paris during your vacation?" he suggested. "We can have a good time with it for a few days." "Affordable? It will cost a lot of money." Philip calculated that the trip to Paris would cost at least twenty-five pounds.For him, it was indeed a considerable amount of money.But even if he spends all the money on her, he is willing.

"That's nothing. You say yes, my dear." But tell me, there is nothing more absurd than this in the world.How can I run around with a man without getting married!Thank you for coming up with such a bad idea. " "Then what's the big deal?" He talked about how prosperous Heping Avenue is and how magnificent the Shepherdess Dance Theater is.He gave vivid descriptions of the Louvre and the bargain stores.Finally, he deliberately mentioned the Xiange Restaurant, the monastery, and the pleasure-seeking places frequented by foreign tourists.He painted the gaudy side of Paris, which he despised, with a dazzling layer of oil paint.He persisted in persuading Mildred to go to Paris with him.

"Listen, you're always telling me you love me, love me, and if you really loved me you'd ask me to marry you. But you never asked me to marry you." "You know I can't afford to get married. After all, I'm just a freshman in college. I won't make a dime for the next six years." "Oh, I'm just talking, I don't mean to blame you. Even if you kneel in front of me and propose to me, I won't agree to marry you." He had thought about getting married many times, and he never dared to take this step rashly.Already in Paris he had formed the opinion that marriage between a man and a woman was an absurd custom of the world.He also knew that forging a hundred-year friendship with her would ruin his future.Philip, with his bourgeois instincts, felt that marrying a waitress was tantamount to risking the world.home.With a mediocre woman, how could decent people come to seek medical treatment?Judging from his current financial situation, he can barely maintain his life by fawning and fawning until he finally obtains the qualifications of a doctor.If married, even if he agrees not to have children, he cannot afford to support his wife.Philip could not help feeling chills at the thought of how Cronshaw had connected his lot with a vulgar, slovenly woman.He could fully foresee what kind of role the vain, mediocre Mildred would become in the future.Nothing can be combined with such a woman.Rationally, he can make such a conclusion, but emotionally, he thinks that even if the world falls, he must take her as his own.If he had to marry her in order to get her, he would risk everything and take her as his wife, and wait for the future.Even if he ends up ruined, he doesn't care at all.Once an idea came into his mind, he couldn't drive it away even if he wanted to.He is like a man possessed, and everything else can be ignored.He also has an unusual set of skills. Whenever he insists on doing something, he can always come up with various reasons, so that he can feel at ease and make sense.Now, he also overturned, one by one, all the legitimate reasons he thought of against the marriage.He only felt himself more and more attached to Mildred every day; and the unsatisfied passion finally irritated him.

"For God's sake, if she really becomes my wife one day, I have to settle this account with her and make her suffer the same crime," he said to himself. At last, he could bear no longer the painful torture.One evening, after supper in the little restaurant in Soho (where they were now regulars), Philip said to her: "Hey, you said that day that you would not marry me even if I proposed to you, is that true?" "Well, why not take it seriously?" "I can't live without you. I want you by my side forever. I try to get rid of it, but I can't. Never. I want you to marry me."

She had read many novels, so it was natural that she didn't know how to deal with this kind of situation. "I really appreciate you very much, Philip. I'm a little flattered to have you propose to me." "Oh, come on with this nonsense. You'd marry me, wouldn't you?" "Do you think we'll be happy living together?" "No. But what's the matter?" This sentence was almost forced out of Philip's teeth against his will.She was taken aback. "Yo, you are so weird. If you think so, why do you still marry me? Didn't you say that you couldn't get married that day?"

"I think I've got fourteen hundred pounds left. We're getting along, and it doesn't cost us much more than being single. We'll keep going, and that'll last me till I'm qualified, and then I'm in the hospital." After a while, I'll be able to be a Physician Assistant." "That is to say, you won't make a hut in six years. We'll have to live on about four quid a week, won't we?" "It's only a little over three quid. I have to pay my school fees." "How much income can you earn as a physician assistant?"

"Three pounds a week." "You mean to say that you have spent years and years studying hard and pasted up what little money you have, and in the end you can only get three pounds a week in exchange? I think even then, My life is not necessarily better than it is now." Philip was momentarily at a loss for words. "Does that mean you don't want to marry me?" he asked hoarsely after a while. "I'm infatuated with you, don't you think it doesn't matter at all?" "In these matters, no one can avoid thinking for himself, is he? I have no objection to marriage, but if after marriage, the situation is not necessarily better than it is now, then I would rather not marry. I do not see that such a marriage will What's the point." "I see you don't take me to heart at all, otherwise you wouldn't have such thoughts." "Probably so." Philip was speechless.He drank a glass of wine, trying to clear his blocked throat. "Look at that girl just coming out," said Mildred, "she's wearing that leather thing. She bought it in the Brixton Dim Emporium. I saw it in the window last time I was there." ." Philip smiled coldly. "What are you laughing at?" she asked. "I'm telling the truth. I told my aunt at the time that I don't like buying stuff that's in the window. How much did you pay for it?" , anyone's belly is bright." "I don't know what you mean. First it broke my heart, and then it's all nonsense." "Look at you playing with me all the time," she said, as if she had been wronged a lot. "I couldn't help noticing that leather thing, because I told my aunt..." "It's none of my business what you say to your aunt," he interrupted impatiently. "I wish you kept your mouth clean when you spoke to me, Philip, you know I don't like foul language." A smile appeared on Philip's face, but anger flickered in his eye sockets.He was silent for a moment, looking at her resentfully.He hated and despised the woman in front of him, but he loved her. "If I had any semblance of reason, I would never want to see you again," he finally couldn't help saying. "I wish you knew that I despise myself from the bottom of my heart just because I'm in love with a woman like you!" "I'm afraid it's inappropriate for you to say that to me," she said grimly. "It's inappropriate," he laughed. "Let's go to the Pavillon Bower." "That's how weird you are. You just laugh when people don't expect it. Why do you take me to the Pavillon Arbor when I've made you so sad?" "Just because it hurts me more to be apart from you than to be with you." "I'd really like to know what you think of me." He laughed out loud. "My dear, if you know what I think of you, you won't talk to me anymore."