Chapter 59 Chapter Fifty-Nine

Philip passed the night in excruciating pain.He had informed the landlady beforehand that he would not come back for dinner that evening, so the landlady hadn't prepared anything for him, so he had to go to Gatty's; to have supper.Then he returned to his apartment.At this time, Griffiths' party was meeting upstairs, and the lively laughter and laughter continued to come from upstairs. Compared with it, Philip felt that the pain in his heart was all the more unbearable.He simply went to the vaudeville theater, and since it was a Saturday night, the hall was full, so he had to stand and watch.After standing for half an hour, my legs were already sore, and the program was boring, so I left halfway and went back to my apartment.He wanted to read for a while, but he couldn't concentrate, and now he had to study hard, and the biology exam would be held in half a month.Although this course is very good.It's easy, but he hasn't worked hard recently, and he missed a lot of lessons, knowing that he didn't learn anything.Fortunately, there was only an oral exam, and he felt that he could make use of the two weeks and hold the buddha's feet temporarily, so that he could pass the test.He is confident, smart and confident.He threw the book aside, thinking about the matter that haunted his dreams.

He berated himself bitterly for his misbehavior tonight.Why do you have to say nothing, saying that she must accompany me to dinner, or it will be a clean break?Of course she would refuse Luo.He should; consider her pride.His way of breaking the boat was actually cutting off his own way of retreat.up.To put it a little way back, it might have been easier for Philip if he could tell himself that she was suffering, too, but he knew what a human being she was and she didn't think much of him at all.If he had been a little wiser at the time, he should have played deaf and dumb and not exposed her nonsense.He should have a little self-restraint, not to let his disappointment show, let alone show his temper in front of her.Philip could not understand how he could have fallen in love with her.He had seen the so-called "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" in books before, but what he saw in Mildred was clearly her true face: the face.She is tasteless, not smart, and quite mediocre in thinking; she has a cunning market style in her.Philip repelled her even more because she was angry; she was unbred and lacked all the tenderness of a woman.As she advertises, she is a "practical" woman.Who usually plays tricks to play tricks on honesty.People can always win her admiration; people are "deceived", she can't tell how comfortable she is.Philip could not help laughing wildly at the thought of the coyness and affectation with which she had dined.She also had no tolerance for vulgarity, and despite her lack of knowledge and vocabulary, she had a penchant for politeness and euphemism.She also has a lot of taboos.For example, she never liked to talk about "pants", but insisted on saying "bottoms".Besides, she felt that blowing her nose was indecent, so she always looked like she had to do it when she had to blow her nose.She was severely anemic and naturally also had dyspepsia.Her flat bosom and narrow hips displeased Philip, and her vulgar haircut repelled him.But he fell in love with such a woman, how could this not make him loathe and despise himself.

Regardless of whether he hates it or despises it, in fact he is now unable to stop.He felt it was like being bullied by older kids at school.He resisted desperately, defying the violence, until he was exhausted and unable to fight back—he still remembers the strange feeling of weakness in his limbs, as if his whole body was paralyzed—and finally he had to let go and let others manipulate him.It was a life-and-death experience.Now he had that weak, paralyzed feeling again.Now that he was in love with this woman, he realized that he had never really loved anyone before.Let her have all kinds of shortcomings, whether it is physical or character, he doesn't care at all, and even feels that he is in love with those shortcomings.In any case, those shortcomings meant nothing to him.It seemed that the whole matter was not directly related to his personal interests, but he felt that he was driven by a strange force, and kept doing a series of stupid things that were against his will and harmed himself.He loves freedom by nature, so he hates the chains that bind his heart.In the past, I also wanted to experience the taste of irresistible lust in my dreams, and I found it ridiculous when I thought about it.He cursed himself for being so accommodating to his lusts.He recalled how exactly it all started.If he hadn't gone to the pastry shop with Dunsford, this situation would not have happened today.In short, it's all my own fault.If he hadn't had his ridiculous vanity, he wouldn't have bothered with that vulgar bitch.

In any case, the quarrel tonight finally settled it all.As long as he still has a little sense of shame, he will never go back and beg her to make up again.He longed to be freed from a haunting love; such a hateful love could only be disgraceful.He had to force himself not to think about her anymore.After a while, the pain in his heart must have eased somewhat.He began to look back on the past.He thought of Emily Wilkinson and Fanny Price, and wondered if they had endured for his sake what he was going through now.He couldn't help feeling a surge of regret. "At that time, I didn't know what love was," he said to himself.

That night, he slept restlessly.The next day was Sunday, and he started to review biology.He sat there with a book open in front of him. In order to concentrate his thoughts, he moved his lips and read the lesson silently, but nothing was imprinted in his mind.He found himself thinking about Mildred all the time; he recalled carefully every word and every sentence of his quarrel with Mildred the night before.It took a lot of effort to bring his attention back to his textbook.He simply went out for a walk.Although the small streets on the south bank of the Thames River are usually salty (Moon Praise), the streets are full of traffic and people come and go, and they are somewhat angry.On Sundays, all the big and small shops were closed, and there was no traffic on the road. It was quiet and desolate, giving people an indescribably dull feeling.The day seemed to Philip to be long and endless.Later, I was so sleepy that I fell into a drowsy sleep.When he woke up, it was already Monday, and he finally stopped hesitating and took the steps of life again.It was almost Christmas, and many of my classmates went to the countryside for vacation (there was a short vacation in the middle of the winter semester).His uncle had invited him back to Blackstable for Christmas, but he politely declined.He pretended to be studying for the exam, but in fact he did not want to leave London and Mildred.He missed a lot of classes, and his studies were completely wasted. Now he has to make up all the courses that he has completed in the three months in just two weeks.This time, he really worked hard.As the days passed, he found it easier and easier not to think of Mildred.He was glad that he still had such a backbone after all.The pain in his heart is no longer as piercing and uncomfortable as before, but has become a dull pain that is strong and weak at times, just like falling off a horse. , if you don't touch those wounds, you won't feel the pain.Philip found that he could even look at his situation for the last few weeks with some curiosity.He dissected his feelings with great interest.He was a little amused at what he had done.One thing struck him deeply: how little personal opinion mattered under the circumstances at the time. His well-conceived personal philosophy, which satisfied him so much, turned out to be of no help at all. He's busy.Philip was puzzled by this.

That being said, sometimes when he sees a girl who looks like Mildred from a distance on the street, his heart seems to stop beating suddenly.Then, he would involuntarily run after him, eager and anxious, but when he got closer, he turned out to be a stranger.The classmates came back from the country one after another, and he and Dunsford went to a cafe run by the ABC Bread Company to have refreshments.When he saw the familiar waitress uniform, he was so sad that he couldn't even speak.He also had a whim: Maybe she had been transferred to work in a branch of the bakery company, he said.Maybe one day he will run into her again.As soon as this thought came to him, he was flustered, but he was afraid that Dunsford would see that he was out of order.He was too bewildered to think of words, so he pretended to be listening to Dunsford.But the more he listened, the more annoyed he was, and he couldn't help shouting at Dunsford: For God's sake, shut up!

The day of the exam has come.When Philip's turn came, he walked confidently to the examiner's table.The examiner first asked him to answer three or four questions, and then showed him various specimens.Philip usually didn't attend many classes, so he was dumbfounded when he asked about something that wasn't covered in the book.He tried his best to prevaricate it, but the examiner didn't ask any more questions, and the ten-minute oral test passed quickly.Philip thought that passing the exam would probably not be a problem, but the next day when he came to the exam building to see the exam results posted on the gate, he couldn't help being surprised - he didn't find himself in the list of candidates who passed the exam student number.Surprised, he read the list three times.Dunsford was beside him now.

"Well, it's a shame you didn't pass," he said. Before looking at the list, he had just asked Philip for his student number.Philip turned to see Dunsford beaming. He must have passed the exam. "Oh, it doesn't matter at all," said Philip, "I'm so glad you passed. I'll try my luck again in July." He tried to look calm and indifferent, and as they walked back to school along the Thames Embankment Philip chattered about non-examination topics.Out of good intentions, Dunsford wanted to help Philip analyze the reasons for his failure in the exam, but Philip insisted on putting on a casual demeanor.In fact, he felt that he had been humiliated: that Dunsford, whom he had always considered agreeable but rather dull, had passed his examinations while he himself had failed, and he could not help feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed.He had always been proud of his outstanding intelligence, but now he suddenly gave up on himself, wondering if he had overestimated himself.It has been three months since the start of this semester, and the students enrolled in October are naturally divided into several grades. There are already clear barriers between which students are outstanding, which are smart, clever or hard-working, and which are unbearable "wrecks". up.Philip knew in his stomach that no one but himself was surprised that he failed the exam this time.It was time for tea, and he knew that many of his classmates were drinking tea in the basement of the school.Those who passed the exams must be very happy; those who don't like themselves will undoubtedly cast gloating glances at him; It's nothing more than the hope that we can sympathize with each other.Instinctively Philip wanted not to enter the college gates for a week, because after a week the events were forgotten.But Philip, who had a peculiar temper, went just because he didn't want to go at this time--to ask for trouble.For a moment, he forgot his motto: Do ​​as you please, just keep an eye out for the policeman on the corner.If he acted according to this principle, it must be that there was some morbid element in his character that made him take pleasure in cruel self-torture.

Later, Philip really endured the torture that was imposed on him, but when he had heard enough of the noisy conversation in the smoking room, and went out into the night alone, a sense of terrific loneliness came over him. .He felt that he was absurd and useless.He was in desperate need of comfort; he could no longer resist the temptation to see Mildred.He thought, with poignancy, how little it was possible for him to find any comfort from her.However, if he wanted to see her, it would be good even if he didn't say a word.After all, she is a waitress, and she has to serve him no matter what.In this world, she was the only one who worried him.What's the use of not acknowledging this fact?Of course, it would be embarrassing for him to pretend that nothing had happened and then go to that pastry shop, but his self-esteem was also gone.Even though he refused to admit it with his mouth, but in his heart he hoped that she would write a letter to him every day.She could not fail to know that a letter could be delivered to him by mailing it to the medical school; but she would not write it.Obviously, she didn't care whether she saw him or not.Philip kept saying to himself:

"I must see her, I must see her." The desire to see her was so strong that walking was too slow, and he jumped into a cab with impatience.He has always lived frugally, unless it is absolutely necessary, he is reluctant to spend money on it.He hangs around outside the store.After a minute or two, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind: Has she already left here?Startled, he stepped in hastily.He saw her immediately.When he sat down, Mildred came up to him. "A cup of tea, and a muffin, please," ordered Philip. He could hardly even speak.For a moment, he was really worried that he would burst into tears.

"I almost thought you had gone to God." She said with a smile.She laughed!She seemed to have forgotten all about the last quarrel, but Philip repeated the words of the quarrel over and over again in his mind. "I suppose you'd write to me if you wished to see me," he replied. "I'm too busy with my own affairs, so I don't have time to write to you." It seemed that she could never come up with good things from her sharp mouth. Philip secretly cursed fate for binding himself to such a woman.She went to bring him tea. "Shall I sit with you for a minute or two?" said Mildred, bringing her tea. "sit down." "Where have you been all this time?" "I've been in London." "I thought you were on vacation. Why don't you come up here?" Philip's haggard but passionate eyes fixed on Mildred. "Didn't I say I don't want to see you anymore, have you forgotten?" "Then why are you here now?" She seemed eager for him to drink the bitter cup of humiliation.However, Philip knew her character well, and knew that she was speaking out of spite, so she just talked casually.Her words hurt him deeply, and as far as she was concerned, they didn't always mean it.Philip made no answer to her. "You are actually watching me, bullying people like this, it's too wicked. I've always regarded you as an out-and-out gentleman." "Don't be so cruel to me, Mildred. I can't stand it." "You're such a weirdo, I can't figure you out at all." "That's what it is. I'm a bloody fool, and I know you don't care about me, but I still love you with all my heart." "If you're really a gentleman, I think you should come and pay me the next day." She has a heart of stone and no mercy.Philip looked at her neck and thought how nice it would be to stab her in the neck with the muffin knife.He has studied anatomy, so it is not a problem to sever her carotid artery.And at the same time he wanted to get close to her and kiss that pale, thin face all over. "I wish I could make you understand that I love you like crazy." "You haven't begged my forgiveness yet." Philip turned pale.Mildred felt that she was right that day, and now she wanted to show his prestige.Philip had always had a great deal of self-esteem.For a moment Philip wanted to say to her: To hell with you!But he dared not speak out.Lust had worn away all his bones.As long as he can see her, he is willing to do whatever it is called. "I am so sorry, Mildred, please forgive me." Philip was helpless, forced the words out of his mouth, and used all his breastfeeding strength. "Now that you say that, I might as well tell you straight. I regretted not going out with you that night. I thought Miller was a gentleman, but now I know I was wrong. I'll give him to him in no time." Sent away." Philip gasped. "Mildred, would you like to go out with me tonight? Let's find a place to have dinner together." "Oh, that won't work. My aunt is waiting for me to go back." "Then I'll give her a call and say you have something to stay in the store, and she can't figure it out anyway. Oh, for God's sake, yes. I haven't seen you in a long time. I have something to say to you in a few days." Mildred looked down at her dress. "Don't worry about that, we can find a sloppy place where you don't care what you wear. After dinner, we'll go to the vaudeville theater. You just say yes. It'll make me very successful She hesitated for a moment, and Philip looked at her pitifully and beseechingly. "Well, let's go. I can't remember how long I haven't been out for a walk." With difficulty Philip restrained himself, and almost missed her hand and kissed her passionately.