Chapter 28 Chapter Twenty Eight

Neither Hayward nor Weeks imagined that the after-dinner conversations by which they whiled away the dull evening would cause so much trouble in Philip's quick mind.It had never occurred to Philip that religion was a matter to be discussed freely.Religion to him was the Church of England, and to disbelieve its teachings was a sign of caprice, either in this life or in the next, and sooner or later he would be punished.He also had some doubts in his mind about the punishment of disbelievers.Maybe there is such a merciful judge who uses the fire of hell exclusively against heretics who believe in Islam, Buddhism, and other religions, and may hold his hand against non-conformist Christians and Roman Catholics. Be open. (But there's a price to pay--what humiliation they suffer when they are forced to admit they're wrong!) Maybe God Himself might be sympathetic to those who don't have the chance to know the truth--that's all. Justified, since missionary corps, though they go about, are limited in scope - but if they have the opportunity to do so and ignore it (Roman Catholics and Nonconformists obviously fall into this category), they cannot escape deserved punishment.Needless to say, the position of the heretic was in dire straits.Perhaps no one had taught Philip with these words, but he undoubtedly got the impression that only the Anglicans could really hope for eternal happiness.

One thing Philip had heard expressly mentioned was that the Dissenters were such wicked and dangerous men.But this Weeks, though skeptical of almost everything Philip believed in, lived the life of a Christian immaculate.Philip didn't get much warmth and friendliness from life, but now he was deeply moved by the American's willingness to help others.Once, he lay in bed for three days because of a cold, and Vickers took care of him like a loving mother.In Vickers, there is no trace of evil or danger, only sincerity and benevolence.Obviously, it is entirely possible for a person to be virtuous and yet not conform to the state religion.

In addition, Philip also learned from other people's speeches that the reason why some people cling to other beliefs is either out of stubbornness or out of self-interest considerations: they know in their hearts that those beliefs are purely false, but they still want to Pretending to deceive others.Philip, who had been accustomed to go to the Lutheran church on Sunday mornings to learn German, began to go to mass with Hayward again after his arrival.He noticed that the doors of the new church were deserted, and the worshipers seemed listless; on the other hand, the Jesuit church was full of people, and the faithful men and women seemed to be extremely devout when they prayed.They don't look like a bunch of hypocrites either.Seeing such a stark contrast, Philip couldn't help being secretly surprised. Needless to say, he knew that the teachings of the Lutheran Church were closer to the Anglican Church, and therefore closer to the truth than the Roman Catholic Church.Most of the believers (basically all men in church) were from southern Germany, and Philip could not help thinking that if he had been born in southern Germany, he would have become a Catholic.It is true that he was born in England, but it is quite possible that he was born in some Catholic country; A liturgical or Methodist family.It's so dangerous, I almost voted in the wrong mother's womb!Thinking of this, Philip breathed a sigh of relief.Philippe got along very well with the little Chinese, and shared his table with him twice a day.His surname is Song, he is always smiling, kind and gentle.Wouldn't it be strange if he had to go to hell and suffer just because he was a Chinese?On the other hand, if one's soul can be saved regardless of one's beliefs, it seems that there is no special advantage in believing in the Church of England.

Philip, more bewildered than ever in his life, went to try Weeks' opinion on the matter.He had to be cautious, for he was sensitive to ridicule, and the American's sharp tone of voice when he spoke of the Church of England confused Philip.Vickers baffled him even more.He forced Philip to admit that the southern Germans he had seen in the Jesuit churches were as sincerely Roman Catholic as he was Anglican.Vickers went on to make him admit that Mohammedans and Buddhists hold equally firm belief in the teachings of their respective religions.From this point of view, thinking that you are right does not mean anything. Everyone thinks they are right.Weeks had no intention of undermining the boy's faith, but simply because he was deeply interested in religion and found it an interesting subject.He said that he doubted almost everything that other people believed in, and he expressed his own views with precision.Philip once asked him a question which he had heard his uncle put forward, when there was a lively discussion in the newspapers of some moderate rationalist work, which his uncle was talking about at home.

"Pray, why is it that you are right, and some, like St. Anselm and St. Augustine, are wrong?" "You mean to say that they are brilliant, learned saints. As for me, you are very suspicious, and think that I am neither bright nor learned, do you?" "Well," Philip hesitated, not knowing what to say. It was a bit abrupt and impolite for him to ask the question just now. "St. Augustine believed that the earth was flat and that the sun revolved around it." "I don't understand what that means." "Hey, that proves that one generation has one generation's faith. Your saints lived in an age of faith, in an age when things that seem absolutely unbelievable to us can hardly fail to be ruled H."

"So how do you know we have the truth now?" "I didn't say that." Philip thought for a moment and said: "I don't understand why the things we believe in today are not just as false as the things they believed in the past?" "I also do not understand." "Then how can you possibly have faith?" "I can't tell." Philip asked Weeks what he thought of Hayward's religion. "People have always made gods in their own image," Vickers said. "He believed in something vivid." Philip thought for a while, then said:

"I don't see why a man should believe in God." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he realized that he no longer believed in God.He seemed to have plunged headfirst into cold water, unable to breathe.He stared at Vickers with terrified eyes, suddenly became frightened, and hurried away from Vickers.He wanted to be alone for a while.This is the most shocking encounter in his life.Philip wanted to think the matter over; it excited him because it concerned his whole life (he felt that the decision he took on this question would have a profound effect on the course of his life to come), As long as you accidentally make a mistake, you may perish forever and never recover.However, the more he thought about it, the more determined he was; although in the next few weeks he devoured several books to help understand skepticism, only to further strengthen what he felt instinctively. .The truth was that he no longer believed in God, not for one reason or another, but because he had no natural religious disposition.Faith is imposed on him from outside.It's all about circumstances and role models.The new environment and new role models gave him the opportunity to know himself.It was as easy as throwing off a belief he had formed in childhood, like taking off a cloak he no longer needed.After abandoning his faith, life seemed strange and lonely at first, although he never realized that faith was the reliable pillar of his life after all.He felt like a man who used to walk with a cane and was suddenly forced to walk independently.Truth be told, the days seemed colder and the nights more bleak.But inner excitement sustained him, and life seemed a more thrilling adventure; and soon the stick he threw aside, the cloak that fell from his shoulders, seemed unbearable. His burden was lifted from him forever.The set of religious rituals that had been imposed on him over the years had become an important part of his religious beliefs.From time to time he thought of the prayers and Epistles which he used to learn by rote, of the long services in the cathedral--sitting from beginning to end, itching in the extremities, longing to be loose.He remembered walking the muddy road to Blackstable parish chapel at night, how cold it was in that dim building, and sitting with his feet as cold as ice and his fingers stiff and heavy, Unable to move, and surrounded by a disgusting, greasy smell of pomade, it's boring.His heart skipped a beat when he realized he was free of all of this forever.

He was amazed at himself how easily he had abandoned God.He has entered into a state of clarity and clarity, and attributes this to his own cleverness, but he does not know that the reason why he feels this way is due to the subtle effect of his inner character.He was a little carried away.Philip is young and energetic, lacks self-cultivation, and can't understand any attitude towards the world that is different from his own.He had a certain disdain for Weeks and Heyward, who, content with that vague feeling called God, lingered and refused to step beyond what Philip seemed to be obliged to do. step.One day, he came to a certain hill alone in order to climb a high place and have a good meal.He himself didn't understand why the wild scenery always made him feel refreshed and full of ecstasy like flying into the sky.Now that it is autumn, the weather is often cloudless, and the sky seems to be shining brighter: nature seems to be consciously pouring more full passion into the few remaining sunny days.Philip looked down at the vast plain trembling slightly in the sun in front of him, the roofs of Mannheim buildings could be seen in the distance, and the hazy Worms seemed very far away.What is even more dazzling is the Rhine River that traverses the plain.On the wide river surface, the waves are surging, shining with gold.Philip stood on the top of the mountain, his heart beating with joy, and he imagined how the devil would stand on the top of the mountain with Jesus and show him the heaven on earth.Philip was so intoxicated by the beauty of the scene that it seemed to him that the whole world was unfolding before him, and he was impatient to fly down the hill to enjoy the pleasures of the world.He got rid of the fear of perdition and the fetters of worldly prejudice.He can go his own way, no longer have to fear the merciless torture of hellfire.He suddenly realized that he was also free of the burden of responsibility that had weighed on his shoulders before, and he had to consider the consequences of every action in his life and dare not take it lightly.Now, he can breathe freely in an unfettered atmosphere.His words and deeds only need to be responsible to himself.free!He finally got rid of all fetters and became his own master.And unconsciously, out of habit, he thanked for it a God whom he no longer believed in.

While reveling in his own wisdom and courage, Philip began a new life calmly.But the loss of faith did not affect his speech and behavior as significantly as he expected.Although he cast aside Christian dogma, it never occurred to him to criticize Christian ethics; Reward or punishment, that would be a good thing.There is little room for practicing these virtues in the home of the professor's wife.Still, he meant to be more honest than ever, and forced himself to be more attentive to those boring old ladies.Sometimes they tried to strike up a conversation with him, and he, for his part, just put in a few general perfunctory words.Elegant curses, fierce adjectives, these things that embody the characteristics of our English language, Philip has always regarded them as symbols of manliness and worked hard to practice them, but now he is painstakingly abstaining from them.

Now that the matter was settled once and for all Philip wanted to put it behind him.But it was easy to say, but not easy to do: he couldn't get rid of the thoughts of regret, and he couldn't suppress the doubts that tormented him now and then.After all, Philip was still young and had few friends, so the immortality of the soul had no special attraction for him, and it was no big deal if he didn't believe it or not.But there was one thing that saddened him.Philip reproached himself for being unreasonable, and tried to relieve the pathos by laughing at himself.However, whenever he thought that he would never see that beautiful mother again, he couldn't help but burst into tears.After his mother died, as the years went by, he felt more and more the preciousness of maternal love.It seems that due to the influence of countless pious and god-worshiping ancestors in the dark, he sometimes falls into inexplicable fear and cannot extricate himself: maybe all this is actually true, there, behind the blue sky , hides a jealous God who will punish atheists with an unquenchable fire.At such a time, reason can't help him. He imagined the great pain that the endless physical torture would bring to people, and he was so frightened that his whole body was dripping with cold sweat, and he almost fainted.Finally, he said to himself in despair:

"It's not my fault after all. I can't force myself to believe it. If there is a God and he must punish me for my honesty that I don't believe in him, then I'll have to let him."