Chapter 29 Chapter Twenty Seven

Ursula came home that evening in a state of splendor, with a strange gleam in her eyes, which displeased the family.Father came back around dinner time after evening classes, and he was exhausted from the long journey.Gudrun was reading a book.Mother sat silently.Suddenly Ursula said loudly to them all: "Rupert and I are getting married to-morrow." The father turned around unnaturally and asked, "What did you say?" "Tomorrow?" Gudrun repeated. "Really?!" said the mother. Ursula only smiled happily, but did not answer. "We're getting married tomorrow!" my father yelled sternly. "What nonsense are you talking about?"

"Yes," said Ursula, "why not?" That tone always drove my father mad. "Everything is ready, let's go to the registry office and register—" When Ursula had finished her cheerful speech, the people fell silent again. "Is it true, Ursula?!" said Gudrun. "May we ask why this secret is so tightly sealed?" Mother asked measuredly. "There is no secret," said Ursula, "you know that!" "Who knew?" cried the father. "Who knew? What do you mean 'you know'?" He was losing his temper, and Ursula immediately fought back.

"Of course you do," she said coldly. "You know we're going to get married." There was a terrible silence. "We know you're getting married, don't we? Yes! Who knows about you, you capricious thing!" "Daddy!" Gudrun protested, blushing.Then she calmly and softly reminded Ursula to listen to her father: "However, is it all right, Ursula, to be in such a hurry to make up your mind?" "No, there's no rush," said Ursula cheerfully. "He's been waiting a long time for my answer—he's already written a letter of proof. It's just me—I'm not ready. Now, I'm ready." Is there anything else you disagree with?"

"Of course not," Gudrun said, but still scolded, "You can do whatever you want." "You're ready, yourself, that's all! 'I'm not ready,'" He imitated her tone. "You, yourself are important, aren't you?" She pulled herself together, her eyes hard. "I am who I am," she said.She feels hurt. "I know that I have nothing to do with anyone else. You just want to suppress me, regardless of whether I am happy or not." He leaned over to look at her, looking very nervous. "Ursula, look what you're talking about! Shut up!" cried Mother.

Ursula turned away with fire in her eyes. "No, I won't," she cried. "I'm not going to be dumb. What does it matter--what does it matter if I get married someday! It's my business, and no one else's business?" Her father was tense, like a cat curled up to spring. "Why is it okay?" He asked, approaching her.She backed away. "What's the matter?" She flinched but her mouth was still hard. "Don't you have nothing to do with me?" he asked strangely. Mother and Gudrun drew back and remained motionless, hypnotized. "No," murmured Ursula.Her father loomed over her. "You just want to—"

She knew it would be useless to speak out, so she shut up.He suffocated. "Thinking of what?" he challenged. "Control me," she muttered.He slapped her across the face while her lips were still moving, knocking her against the door. "Father!" Gudrun yelled loudly, "this can't be done!" He stood quite still, and Ursula came to her senses, her hand still on the door-knob, and rose slowly.He doesn't know what to do now. "That's right," she said with tears in her eyes, holding her head up. "What does your love mean? What does it mean? It's oppression and denial—"

He clenched his fists, twisted his body and walked over, with a murderous look on his face.But Ursula opened the door like lightning, and ran upstairs. He stood staring at the door.Then turned like a defeated animal and walked back to the fireside seat. Gudrun turned pale.In the tense silence, the mother's indifferent and angry voice sounded: "Hey, don't take her too seriously." People stopped talking again, thinking about their own thoughts. Suddenly the door opened again, and Ursula was wearing a hat and fur coat, and was carrying a small traveling bag. "Good-bye!" she said angrily and ironically. "I gotta go."

The door closed immediately.The door of the outhouse was heard shut, and there was a sound of footsteps as she came up the garden path.The door slammed shut, and the sound of her footsteps disappeared.The room became dead silent. Ursula went straight to the station without looking back, running like a whirlwind.There was no train at the station, and she had to walk to the intersection to wait for a train.When she walked through the night, she couldn't help crying. She cried all the way, and she was still crying in the car, feeling sad like a child.Time passed unknowingly, and she didn't know where she was or what happened.She was just desperate and sad, crying like a child.

But when she came to Birkin's, she spoke lightly to Birkin's landlady at the door. "Good evening! Is Birkin there? May I see him?" "Yes, he is in the study." Ursula brushed past the woman.His door opened and he had just heard her speak. "Hello!" he cried out in surprise, he saw that she was holding a travel bag in her hand and there were tears on her face.She was like a child, her face was not wiped clean. "Am I looking ugly?" she winced. "No, how come? Come in." He took her travel bag, and they walked into his study together.

As soon as he entered, his lips trembled like a child thinking of sad things, and tears welled up in his eyes. "What's wrong?" He asked, putting his arms around her.She wept heavily on his shoulder. "What's wrong?" He asked again after she calmed down a little.But she didn't speak, just kept burying her face deeply in his arms, in unspeakable pain like a child. "What's the matter?" he asked. She broke away suddenly, wiped away her tears and returned to her original state, and sat down in the chair. "Daddy hit me," she said, sitting up like a frightened bird, her eyes sparkling.

"Why?" he asked. She looked to the side and didn't speak.Her sensitive nose and trembling lips were pitifully red. "Why?" His voice was surprisingly soft, but piercing. She looked at him provocatively and said, "Because I said I was going to get married tomorrow, so he bullied me." "why is it like this?" She curled her lips, remembering that scene, tears welled up again. "Because I said he didn't care about me, but his domineering behavior hurt me." She said while crying, crying until her mouth crooked.Her childlike appearance made him laugh.But it wasn't childish, and she was deeply hurt. "It's not all that," he said, "and even then you shouldn't say it." "It's true, it's true," she cried, "He pretended to love me and bully me, but in fact he didn't love or care about me, how could he? No, he wouldn't—" He sat silently.Think a lot. "If he doesn't love and care about you, you shouldn't quarrel with him," said Birkin quietly. "But I love him, loved him," she cried, "I've always loved him, and this is what he did to me, and he—" "It's love between enemies," he said, "don't care, it'll be fine, it's nothing special." "Yes," she cried, "it is." "why?" "I'll never see him again—" "But not right away. Don't cry, you've got to leave him, yes, don't cry." He walked over, kissed her delicate, thin hair, and gently stroked her wet face. "Don't cry," he repeated, "don't cry anymore." He held her head tightly and said nothing in silence. She finally raised her head and asked with wide terrified eyes: “Don’t you need me?” "Need you?" His dark eyes puzzled her. "You hope I don't come, do you?" she asked anxiously.She was afraid that she might ask the wrong question. "No," he said. "I don't want this rough stuff to happen, it's too bad. However, perhaps this is inevitable. " She looked at him silently.He was numb. "But where am I?" she asked, ashamed. he thought. "Here, with me," he said, "we'll be married tomorrow just as we are married today." "But--" "I'll tell Mrs. Valli," he said, "don't mind." He sat and looked at her.She could feel his dark eyes on her.It scares her a little.She nervously stroked the bangs on her forehead. "Am I ugly?" She sniffed again as she spoke. He smiled and said, "It's not ugly, it's lucky." He walked over and hugged her.She was so gentle and beautiful that he didn't dare to look at her, so he could only hug her like this.Now, her face was washed clean by tears, and she looked like a newly bloomed flower, charming, fresh, and soft, with splendor radiating from the flower core, which made him dare not look at her, so he could only hug her and use her The body blocks his eyes.She is white, transparent, and pure, like a flower that has just bloomed, like the sun shining.She was so fresh, so clean, without a shade.And he was so old, steeped in heavy memories.Her soul is fresh, shining with the unknown world.But his soul is gloomy, with only a glimmer of hope, like a yellow seed.But just this living seed ignited her youth. "I love you," he murmured, kissing her.He trembled with hope, like a resurrected man who has received hope beyond death. She didn't know how much this meant to him, and how much weight his words had.Like a child she needs confirmation, explanation, even exaggerated explanation, because everything still seems uncertain, unstable. At the moment when he was on the verge of death, about to sink into the valley of death with his people; the love and gratitude he showed when he accepted her; the indescribable feeling when he knew that he was alive and could join her The happiness on the table, all of this is beyond her comprehension.He adored her as an old man adores a young man, and he was proud of her because he was convinced that he was as young as she was, and that he was a suitable mate for her.Union with her means his resurrection, this marriage is his life. These she does not know.She wanted to become important to him, to make him adore her.There was an infinite distance of silence between them.How could he tell her that the beauty within her was not form and weight and colour, but a strange golden light!How could he know for himself what a beauty she was to him.He said: "Your nose is beautiful, and your chin is admirable." But his words seemed to be lies, which made her disappointed and sad.Even when he murmured "I love you, I love you," she didn't think it was true.It is something beyond love, beyond the individual, beyond existing existence.How can he say "I" when he is some new unknown, not himself?This "I" is an old form and thus a dead letter. In this new, beyond-perceived tranquility and joy, there is no me, no you, only a third unrealized miracle, not the existence of a self, but a new composite of my life and hers. blissful combination.How can I say "I love you" when my life is over and yours is also over?We're all sucked into each other, we're one, everything in the world is silent, because there's nothing we need to answer, everything is perfect, seamless.They exchanged words in silence, and the perfect whole was a joyful stillness. They were legally married the next day.She complied with his request and wrote to her father and mother.The mother wrote back, but the father did not. She didn't go back to school.She stayed with Birkin in his room, or went to the mill, and they were inseparable.But she went to see no one but Gudrun and Gerald.She became very strange and unpredictable, but she was brighter, like the sky at dawn. Gerald and she were talking one afternoon in the warm study of the mill.Rupert hasn't come home yet. "Are you happy?" Gerald asked with a smile. "Very happy!" she exclaimed energetically. "Yes, I can see it." "Really?" asked Ursula in surprise. He smiled at her. "Yes, very simple." She is very happy.After thinking for a moment, she asked him, "Do you think Rupert is also very happy?" He lowered his eyelids and looked aside. "Yes," he said. "real!" "yes." He was very calm, as if this kind of thing was not for him to talk about.He looked a little unhappy. She is sensitive to his cues.So she asked the question he wanted her to ask. "Then why don't you feel happy? You should too." He stopped talking. "With Gudrun?" he asked. "Yes!" she exclaimed with bright eyes.But they all felt inexplicably nervous, as if they were speaking against the truth. "You thought Gudrun would have me and we'd be happy?" he asked. "Yes, I'm sure!" she said. Her eyes widened with excitement.But she was very nervous, she knew she was forcing. "Oh, I'm so happy," she added. he laughed. "What makes you so happy?" he said. "For her," she said. "I believe that you will, and you will be her suitable husband." "Really?" he said. "You think she'll agree with you?" "Of course!" she said quickly.But thinking about it again, she became uneasy again. "Of course Gudrun isn't that simple, is she? She's not that easy to understand, is she? She's not like me in that." She teased him, laughing wildly. "Do you think she doesn't quite look like you?" asked Gerald. She frowned. "Like me in many ways. But I don't know what she'll do with the new circumstances." "Really?" Gerald asked.He didn't speak for a long time.Then he moved and said, "I'm going to ask her to come with me at Christmas anyway." His voice was quiet and he spoke carefully. "Follow you, you mean in the short term?" "As long as she wants," he said. They were all silent. "Of course," said Ursula, "she's probably in a hurry to get married. You can see that." "Yes," said Gerald, "I can see that. But I'm afraid she won't like it. Do you think she'll go abroad with me for a few days or a fortnight?" "Yes," she said, "I'll ask her." "What do you think we'll all go?" "All of us?" Ursula brightened again. "It's going to be really interesting, isn't it?" "Great," he said. "You'll find out then," said Ursula. "Find what?" "Find out what's going on. I think it's best to have a honeymoon before the wedding, don't you?" She's happy with her punch line.he laughed. "In some cases," he said, "I wish I did." "Is that so?!" cried Ursula. "Yes, perhaps you are right, that one ought to enjoy oneself." When Birkin returned, Ursula told him what had been said. "Gudrun!" cried Birkin. "She was a mistress by nature, as Gerald was a mistress, a wonderful lover. They say a woman is either a wife or a mistress, and Gudrun is a mistress." "Men are either lovers or husbands," cried Ursula, "why not both?" "They're incompatible," he laughed. "Then I need a lover," cried Ursula. "No, you don't need to," he said. "But I need it!" she cried. He kissed her and smiled. Two days later Ursula went back to Bedover's to fetch her things.The family moved away.Gudrun was at Willie.Green has his own house. Ursula has not met her parents since her marriage.She wept over the friction, alas, what good was it!In any case, she couldn't go to them.Her belongings were left in Bedover, and she and Gudrun had to walk to retrieve them. It was a winter afternoon, and when I came home, the sun had already set.The windows are dark and the place is kind of scary.The girls shuddered as soon as they entered the dark and empty hall. "I don't believe I dare come here alone," said Ursula. "I'm afraid." "Ursula!" cried Gudrun, "isn't that strange? Can you imagine you living here unconscious? I can imagine I'd die of fright if I lived here for a day!" They looked around the great dining room.The house is big enough, but it would be lovely if it was small.The bay window was bare now, and the floorboards were peeling paint, with lines of black paint smeared across the shallow floorboards.There were dark spots in the faded wallpaper where the furniture and picture frames had once stood.Dry, brittle walls and brittle and cracked floors, the black decorative lines on the light floor make the sense of fear lessened.Nothing excites the senses, because there are no real objects in the room, and the walls are made of paper.Where are they standing?Standing on the earth or hanging in a cardboard box?Some scraps of paper were burning in the fireplace, and some were still burning. "It's hard to imagine how we can live in this place!" said Ursula. "That's right," Gudrun exclaimed, "it's horrible. What would we be like if we lived in this environment?" "Damn it!" said Ursula, "it's a dreadful thing." Then she noticed the paper burning on the mantelpiece, fashionable wrapping paper--two figures of women in robes burning. They go into the living room.Here again there is an air of isolation.No weight, no substance, just a feeling of being surrounded by paper in nothingness.The kitchen looked solid because of the red brick floor and the stove, but everything was cold and eerie. The two girls climbed the empty stairs in disbelief.Every sound echoed in their hearts.Then they walked up the empty hallway again.Ursula's own things were piled against the wall in her bedroom: a suitcase, a sewing basket, some books, clothes, a hatbox.In the twilight these things stood alone in the empty room. "What a comforting sight, isn't it?" said Ursula, looking at her abandoned fortune. "It was fun," Gudrun said. The two girls started moving everything to the front door.They just moved back and forth in the empty house over and over again.The whole house seemed to resound with a hollow, empty sound.The empty house trilled hideously behind it.They almost ran out with the last thing in their hands. It is cold outside.They were waiting for Birkin, who would come by car.After waiting for a while, they entered the house again and went upstairs to the parents' bedroom.From the window, you can see the road below, and you can see the dark sunset, a dark red without a trace of light. They sat on the recessed ledge and waited for Birkin.They looked around the room, the empty room was frighteningly empty. "Really," said Ursula, "this house cannot be made holy, do you think?" Gudrun looked slowly around the room and said, "Impossible." "I often think of the life of my father and mother, their love and their marriage, our group of children and our growth, are you willing to live such a life?" "No, Ursula." "It doesn't seem to mean anything—their lives, nothing. Really, if they haven't met, married, lived together, it doesn't matter, right?" "Of course, that's out of the question," Gudrun said. "Yes. But if I thought my life was going to be like this," She grabbed Gudrun's arm and said, "I'll run away." Gudrun was silent for a moment before speaking. "Actually, one can't think about ordinary life, no," said Gudrun. "It's different for you, Ursula. You'll get out of it all with Birkin. He's a special man. But for a For the average man, his life is fixed in one place, and marriage is out of the question. There may be, there are literally thousands of women who want this, and they don't think of anything else. But it drives me crazy just thinking about it. First and foremost a man is free, free. A man can give up everything, but he must be free. He should not become 7 Pincheck Street, or 7 Somerset Street, or 7 Shortlands. Then no one will get better, no one will! To get married, one must find a free man, a comrade in arms, a happy knight. It is impossible to find a man of social standing, impossible, impossible! " "What a fine word--Knight of Happiness!" said Ursula. "Better than 'Blessed Warrior'." "Yes, wouldn't it?" said Gudrune. "I would overthrow the world with a knight of happiness. But, home! A permanent job! What does it all mean, Ursula? Think!" "I know," said Ursula, "that we have a home, and that is enough for me." "Enough?" Gudrun said. "'The gray cottage on the west side,'" Ursula derisively quoted a line. "This poem sounds a little gray," said Gudrun gloomily. -------- ① British nineteenth-century poet D. Eardley.Wilmot's poem "My Little Gray Cabin". Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a car.Birkin arrived.Ursula was amazed that she felt agitated, relieved all at once from the question of "Grey House on the West Side." They heard his footsteps on the corridor downstairs. "Hello!" he greeted, his voice echoing throughout the room.Ursula smiled to herself: so he was also afraid of this place. "Hello! Here we are," she called down.Then they heard him running up quickly. "It's very haunted in here," he said. "There are no ghosts in these houses, there have never been famous people here, only where there are famous people will there be ghosts." Gudrun said. "I suppose so. Are you mourning the past?" "Yes," Gudrun said darkly. Ursula smiled. "It's not mourning its passing, it's mourning its existence," she said. "Oh," he said with a sigh of relief. He sat down.Something flickered in him, alive, Ursula thought.His presence made the empty house disappear. "Gudrune said she couldn't bear to be married and shut up at home," said Ursula meaningfully, and she was known to mean Gerald. He was silent for a while and said, "It's fine if you know before marriage that you can't bear it." "Yes!" Gudrun said. "Why does every woman think her purpose in life is to have a husband and a little gray cottage on the west side? Why is that the purpose of life? Why should it be?" asked Ursula. "You should respect the stupid things you did," Birkin said. "But you shouldn't respect it until you've done something stupid," laughed Ursula. "But what if Dad did something stupid?" "And the stupid things Mom did," Gudrun added sarcastically. "And the neighbors did it," said Ursula. Everyone laughed and stood up.Night fell.They loaded their things into the car, and Gudrun locked the door of the empty house.Birkin turned on the lights in the car.Everyone seemed very happy, as if they were going on a trip. "Stop at Coulsons, please. I've got to leave the key there," Gudrun said. "Very well," said Birkin, and started the car. They parked on the street.The store has just been lit.The last miners headed home along the pavement, barely visible in their filthy overalls.But their footsteps could be heard clearly. Gudrun walked out of the store and returned to the car.How pleasant it was to drive down the hill in the dark with Ursula and Birkin!What an adventure life is at this moment!Suddenly she felt so terribly jealous of Ursula!Life seemed so real to Ursula, an open door, that not only this world, but the world of the past and the world of the future seemed nothing to her. Ah, if only she could be like her. Except when she was excited, she always felt a desire in her heart, and she was not sure.She felt that, in Gerald's fierce love, she had gained a whole life.But she was not satisfied compared with Ursula, and she had begun to envy Ursula in her heart.She is dissatisfied and she will never be satisfied. What is she missing now?Lack of marriage—a good, peaceful marriage.She does need it.Her words were all lies before.The old idea of ​​marriage is true even today—marriage and family.But when she said it, she was stubborn.She missed Gerald and Shortlands - marriage and home!Ah, let this be a reality!He was so important to her—but—!Maybe she is not suitable for marriage.She is an outcast of life, a life without roots.No, no, it won't be like this.Suddenly she imagined a rose-colored house where she was in a beautiful gown and a handsome man in evening dress embraced and kissed her in the firelight.She titled the painting.The painting is ready for the Royal Academy. "Come and have tea with us, come," to Willie.said Ursula at Green Cottage. "Thank you very much, but I have to go—" Gudrun said.She wanted so badly to go with Ursula and Birkin, that was the way of life.But her strange ideas did not allow her to do so. "Come on, that would be nice," Ursula begged. "I'm so sorry, I'd love to, but I can't, really—" With that said, she hurriedly got out of the car. "Can't you come?!" said Ursula regretfully. "Can't, really," said Gudrun ruefully. "You, will you?" asked Birkin. "Okay!" Gudrun said. "Goodbye." "Goodbye," they said. "Come whenever you want, we'll be glad to see you," said Birkin. "Thank you very much," Gudrun said.Her strange nasal voice seemed lonely and remorseful, which puzzled Birkin.Gudrun turned and walked toward the cottage gate, and they drove away.As soon as their car moved, she stopped and watched them until the car disappeared into the dim distance of night.She walked on the road to a strange home, feeling unspeakable pain in her heart. In her living room hung a long clock with a portrait of a rosy, cheerful face with slanted eyes that winked when the second hand moved.The smooth, ruddy face kept flaunting the winks at her.She stood looking at it for a while, and at last she was so disgusted that she laughed at herself.But the eyes were still shaking, winking at her from one side to the other for a while.Ah, what a delight this thing is!It's time to be elated!She looked at the table: gooseberry jam, and home-made cakes, too much soda!Gooseberry jam was good, though, and people seldom had it. All evening she wanted to go to the mill, but she grimly prevented herself from doing so.She didn't go until the next afternoon.She was glad to see Ursula alone.There was a great deal of affection between them, and endless, high-spirited chats. "You're so happy to be here, aren't you?" Gudrun said, looking into her sister's bright eyes in the mirror.She was always jealous, even angry, at the strangely warm and perfect atmosphere about Ursula and Birkin. "This room is so beautifully furnished," she exclaimed, "and this stiff matting is a lovely, light color!" She thought it was perfect. "Ursula," she said half-questioningly, "did you know Gerald Creech suggested we go away at Christmas?" "Yes, he told Rupert." Gudrun blushed.She was silent for a moment, seemingly too shocked to speak. "But don't you think," said Gudrun at last, "that's a cold suggestion!" Ursula smiled. "I like him that way," she said. Gudrun fell silent.It was evident that she had been insulted by Gerald's private disclosure of his plans to Birkin, but the very suggestion itself attracted her strongly. "Gerald's naiveté is kind of lovely, I think," said Ursula defiantly, "I think he's lovely." Gudrun didn't speak for a long time.She was still humiliated by Gerald's casual offense to her. "You know what Rupert said, then?" she asked. "He said that would be very nice," replied Ursula. Gudrun dropped her eyelids and fell silent. "Do you think so?" Ursula asked tentatively.She never quite figured out how Gudrun was protecting herself. Gudrun raised her head with difficulty and turned to one side. "I thought it might be very interesting as you said," she said, "but don't you think he's being so rude--you can't forgive Rupert for saying such things, Rupert-- Of course, you know what I mean. Ursula, it is quite possible that this is an excursion arranged by the two of them, with some kind of companion. I don't think it will be pardonable, really!" Her eyes flickered, her soft face flushed with anger.Ursula was afraid that Gudrun was too mediocre, but she dared not think so. "Oh, no," she stammered, "no, no, it wasn't like that, no! I thought Rupert and Gerald had a good friendship. They were simple—they had nothing to say to each other." Not to mention, just like brothers." Gudrun blushed even more.She could not bear Gerald betraying her, even to Birkin. "But do you think that kind of secrets can be exchanged between brothers?" she asked angrily. "Oh, yes," said Ursula, "they didn't have anything that wasn't straightforward. What surprised me about Gerald was how simple and straightforward he was! Only great people are like that, you know. Most people don't." Straight up, because they're cowards." But Gudrun gasped silently.She needs her whereabouts to be kept secret. "Will you go, then?" asked Ursula. "Go, we shall all be delighted! There's something about Gerald that's more charming than I thought. He's open, Gudrun, he is." Gudrun remained silent, still angry.Then she finally spoke. "Do you know where he's going?" she asked. "Yeah, to Tirol. He used to go there in Germany. It's beautiful. The students love it. It's not big, but it's steep. It's beautiful. It's a good place for sports in winter." -------- ①Austrian Alps. "You know," she said, "it's about forty miles from Innsbruck, isn't it?" "I'm not sure, but it's sure to be fun there, you think, in the snow up on the mountain—" "It was so much fun!" Gudrun teased. "Of course," said Ursula uneasily, "I think Gerald told Rupert about it, so it doesn't look like they're going to take some companion for a trip." "I know," Gudrun said. "He does it all the time." "Really?" said Ursula. "How do you know?" "I know one of Selsey's models," said Gudrun dryly. Ursula was silent. "Oh," she said incredulously at last, "I hope he's doing well with her." That made Gudrun even more unhappy.