Chapter 15 Chapter fifteen

At dinner, politics and associations were no longer discussed, and the subject changed, and it was recalled that since 1812 these were Nicholas' favorite topics.Denisov started the topic, and Pierre also talked about it with great enthusiasm and joy.Later, these relatives dispersed in a very friendly atmosphere. After dinner, Nicholas undressed in the study, explained some things to the butler who had been waiting for a long time, then changed into pajamas, and walked into the bedroom.At this time, he found that his wife was still sitting at the desk, and she was writing something. "What are you writing, Marie?" asked Nicholas, and Countess Marya blushed.She was a little worried about whether her husband could understand what she wrote, and would he agree with it?She didn't want him to read the diary she wrote, but now that he has found out, she should let him know about it.In this way, she also felt happy and at ease in her heart.

"Here is the diary, Nikolay." She showed him a blue notebook filled with letters in strong hand. "Diary?..." Nicholas said mockingly, taking the diary. The diary is written in French. "December 4th. Miss Louisa sent for me today when my oldest son, Andryusha, woke up from his sleep and refused to put on his clothes. The child is capricious and stubborn. I wanted to frighten him, but unexpectedly, his anger Bigger. I just went about my business, ignored him, and helped the other kids dress with the nanny, and I told him I didn't like him. He seemed so surprised that he didn't say a word for a long time. Then, He put on a piece of underwear and ran up to me and burst into tears, and I couldn't get him right with all my efforts. I could tell he was very sorry for breaking my heart, and at night, When I gave him the score sheet, he kissed me and cried sadly. As long as you are gentle and considerate to him, he will obey."

"What's a score sheet?" Nikolai asked. "I give the older kids a moral grade every night based on how they've done during the day." Nikolay glanced at the shining eyes that were fixed on him, and went on flipping through the diary.The diary records what the mother thinks is worthy of attention in the life of the children, from which the character of the children can be reflected, and general opinions in the method of education can be suggested.Although most of the diaries are small and trivial, mothers don't think they are trivial. Even the father who read the diary for the first time feels the same way as the mother.

The diary entry for December 5 reads: "Mitya was naughty at dinner. Papa said he wouldn't give him a pie, and he didn't eat it afterwards. He stared at the pie while others were eating it, and his saliva was about to flow! I think it's fine to punish the child for not eating. Sweet pies will only increase their greed. Tell Nikolai about that." Nikolai put down the diary and looked at his wife.Her sparkling eyes looked at her husband questioningly, as if to ask if he approved of her diary?There is no doubt that Nikolai not only approves of, but admires his wife. "Maybe it's not necessary to be so serious, maybe it's not necessary at all," thought Nikolay.But Maria's tireless efforts and spirit in cultivating the moral character of the children aroused his admiration spontaneously.If Nikolay could have fully understood his own feelings, he would have been surprised to find that the main reason why he loved his wife so faithfully, so proudly and tenderly was because she had a sincere inner state, a lofty spiritual world, This was something he could hardly achieve, and it astonished him.

He is proud of his wife's intelligence, and he also realizes that his spiritual world is greatly inferior to his wife's. He is even more happy that she not only belongs to him physically and mentally, but also becomes his inseparable. part. "I am all for it, all for it, my dear," said Nikolay meaningfully.After a moment of thought, he added: "But I was not good today. You were not in the study. I lost my temper during an argument with Pierre. It was impossible not to lose my temper in that case, he was like a child. I don't know what he'd become if Natasha left him alone. You know what he was doing in Petersburg . . . where they organized . . . "

"Oh, I know," said Countess Maria. "Natasha told me." "You know, then," went on Nicholas, agitated by the remembrance of their dispute, "that he wants to convince me that it is the duty of all honest men to oppose the government and to swear allegiance to the new Organization...Unfortunately, you weren't there at the time. You know they all targeted me at that time, including Denisov and Natasha... Natasha is ridiculous. You know she usually put Pierre in charge It was tight, but at the beginning of the argument she lost her mind at all and just repeated Pierre's words mechanically." Nikolay added that he could no longer restrain himself from talking about his relatives.He didn't expect that what he said about Natasha could be applied intact to his relationship with his wife.

"Yes, I noticed that too," said Countess Maria. "When I told him that the oath of allegiance and devotion to duty were above all else, he justified his opinion by talking nonsense. It's a pity that you were not there. If you were there, what would you say?" "In my opinion, you are quite right. I said the same to Natasha, and Pierre said that we are all suffering and depraved now, and it is our duty to help others. Of course he was right, too." Countess Maria said, "But he forgot that we have a more urgent responsibility, which is also God's instruction to us, that is, we can take risks ourselves, but we must not let our children take risks."

"Yes, yes, that's what I told him," agreed Nicholas, as if he had really said it. "But he still talks about loving people and Christianity, and he says it in front of little Nicholas, who sneaks into the study and breaks things." "Well, you know, Nicholas, the child always worries me," said Countess Marya. "He's not an ordinary boy. I'm always afraid that I'll neglect him because of my own children. We all have children and relatives, but he has no relatives. He is always alone thinking about his own thoughts. " "I don't think you need to blame yourself for him at all. What a most loving mother has done for her own son, you have done for little Nicholas, and you are still doing it. Of course, you I'm glad that he did it with a clear conscience. He's a good boy, a wonderful boy. Today he listened to Pierre's words. Just think about it. When we went to dinner, I saw, He broke everything on my table, and immediately admitted his mistake to me, and I never saw him tell a single lie. What a good boy!" Nikolay went on, saying that he had never liked little Nikolay , but admitted that he was a good boy.

"After all, I am not his real mother," said Countess Marya. "I feel the difference, and I am very sorry. He is a good boy, a very good boy, but I am really worried about him. If he has a Companion is fine." "Never mind, it won't be long, I'll take him to Petersburg in the summer," said Nikolai. "Yes, Pierre has always been a dreamer, and always will be." Back to the topic of the study, this topic obviously made him very excited. "What does it matter to me to talk about Arakcheyev being bad, and all the other things? When I got married, I was in debt, and I was in constant danger of going to prison, a danger my mother didn't see and didn't understand. Seriously. What does it have to do with me, and then you came, with children and a family business. I was in the counting house from morning to night, busy with work, is it to satisfy my personal interests? No, I understand I should work so that I can take care of my mother and repay you, so that my children will not be poor like I used to be."

Countess Maria wanted to tell him that people lived not only by bread, but that he valued family property too much.But she knew there was no need to say it, and it was useless to say it.She just took his hand and kissed it.He took this move of his wife as a sign of approval of his idea, he pondered for a while, and continued talking to himself loudly. "Do you know, Maria," he said, "that today Ilya Mitrovanitch (his housekeeper) came back from the Tombov country and said that someone has already offered eighty thousand rubles for that wood." Nikolai La also said very excitedly, "It is very likely that I will buy Otradnoye in a short time. In another ten or so years, I will be able to leave my children... to live a fairly prosperous life."

Countess Maria knew immediately that her husband wanted to say something to her.She understood that whenever he was talking to himself, he would sometimes suddenly ask her what he said just now, and if he found out that she was thinking about other things, he would be angry.She always pays attention to what he says, because in fact she is not at all interested in what he has to say.She looked at him, not thinking of anything else, but feeling another emotion.She was submissive and tender to the man before her, who never quite understood all that was in her mind; yet her affection for him grew stronger and stronger with time. going deeper and deeper.When she was completely immersed in this kind of relationship, she couldn't listen to her husband's various thoughts and plans at all, and couldn't observe deeply and carefully. Not only that, some things that had nothing in common with her husband's thoughts flashed through her mind from time to time. thought.She thought of her nephew (her husband said that little Nicholas was very excited when he listened to Pierre, which surprised her), and of his sentimental character.She thought of her nephew as well as of her own children, and she did not compare her nephew with her children, but she compared her feelings for them, and found that her feelings for little Nicholas were lacking, and for little Nicholas. So she felt guilty and disturbed. Sometimes she thought that this difference was caused by the difference in age; but she also felt that she was sorry for him in some way.Inwardly she promised to correct it, and to do what she could not do—to love her husband, her children, and little Nicholas all her life, as Jesus Christ loved all mankind.Countess Maria has been constantly pursuing the realm of immortality, eternity and perfection, so her heart will never be at peace.There was always a solemn expression on her face, which actually reflected the sublime and secret pain of her flesh-burdened soul. Nikolai looked at her. "My God! When she has such a serious look on her face, it seems to me that she is going to ascend to heaven. What if she dies, what shall we do?!" Nicholas thought to himself, and then stood in the holy Say evening prayers as before.