Chapter 17 Chapter Seventeen

Natasha was calmer, but not gay.Not only did she shy away from all pleasant circumstances in the outside world: dances, skating, concerts, the theater; but there was never a comedian without tears.She can't sing.As soon as she began to laugh or try to sing alone, tears whimpered her: tears of remorse, tears of remembrance of a time of innocence that was gone forever; Live a happy youth life.She especially felt that laughter and singing were profane to her grief.She doesn't want to be ostentatious; she doesn't even need to restrain herself.She said this and felt that the man at this moment was to her exactly like Nastasya Ivanovna the buffoon.An inner fear forbade her any joy.And she no longer had all the joy of life she used to have, the joy of life of a carefree, hopeful girl.What often and most distressed her was the remembrance of old autumns, of hunting, of Christmases spent with Uncle and Nicolas at Otradnoye.Even if there is another day like this, she is willing to pay any price!But it's all over forever.The hunch hadn't deceived her, the life of being unfettered and having all the pleasures at all times was gone forever.But to live.

It pleased her to think that she was not so good as she had thought, but worse than anyone in the world, much worse, but that was not enough.She knew this and asked herself, "What's next?" And there was nothing after that.There is no joy in life, and life passes by.Although Natasha tried her best not to burden anyone, as long as she didn't hinder anyone, she didn't need anything.She avoided all her family and was only at ease with her brother Petya.She would rather be with him than with anyone else; sometimes their eyes widened and they laughed.She hardly ever went out, and among the people who often came to her house, there was only one person who pleased her-Pierre.No one could have treated her more tenderly, more carefully, and more seriously than Count Bezukhov.Natasha felt this tenderness unconsciously, and she took great pleasure in his company.But she didn't thank him for his tenderness.It seemed to her that Pierre did nothing good.It seemed that Pierre was so naturally kind to everyone that he deserved no credit for his kindness.Sometimes Natasha noticed that Pierre was awkward and unnatural in her presence, especially when he was afraid that something in the conversation might bring back embarrassing memories for Natasha.She noticed this, and attributed it to his kind and shy nature, which she understood to be equal to everyone, including her.Pierre had never expressed any of his feelings for Natasha since he had inadvertently said, in a moment of her ecstasy, that if he were free he would kneel and woo her; Those words were obviously comforting words, like the casual words that adults say when comforting a crying child.Not because Pierre was a married man, but because Natasha felt that there was a high mental barrier between her and Pierre, and that there was no such barrier between her and Kuragin—her mind In her relationship with Pierre, there was no possibility of love on her side, still less on his side, not even between men and women in the few cases she knew. It is impossible for her to conjure up the tender and affectionate, shy and poetic friendship of the young man.

At the end of St. Peter's fast, Agrafena Ivanovna Byelova, the Rostov's neighbor at Otradnoe, came to Moscow to pay homage to the Moscow saint.She advised Natasha to fast and pray, and Natasha immediately accepted the idea with joy.Natasha insisted on going out early in the morning despite the doctor's orders, and this fasting prayer was not like the prayers that the Rostovs usually prayed at home, which were only repeated three times, but like Agra's. Like Fina Ivanovna, she did not miss Vespers, Mass, and Mornings all week long. The Countess liked Natasha's sincerity; after the medical treatment was ineffective, she hoped that prayer would help her more than medicine. Gave it to Belova.Agrafena Ivanovna came to wake up Natasha at three o'clock in the night. Her works include "Existence and Nothingness", "Existentialism is a Humanism", and "Debate". woke up.Natasha was afraid of missing morning prayers.Natasha washed her face in a hurry, put on her most ragged clothes and cloak piously, and shivered in the fresh air, and walked out onto the deserted street where the morning sun was shining brightly.On Agrafena Ivanovna's advice, Natasha did not pray in her own parish, but in another church, where, according to the devout Belova, a woman lived an extremely serious and noble life. the priest.There were always very few people in the church; Natasha and Bielova stopped in front of the statue of the Virgin embedded in the left rear of the choir, and took their usual places.Whenever I gaze at the dark face of the Virgin illuminated by the candlelight and the morning light from the window on this unusual morning, I listen to the prayer that she recites and tries to understand.In the face of this great unknowable thing, Natasha always has a feeling of humility that she has never experienced.When she understands the prayer, her personal feeling merges with her prayer; things, simply by believing and surrendering to the God who was ruling her soul at this moment in her consciousness.She made the sign of the sign of the cross, bowed her head, and when she was terrified and incomprehensible of her despicable behavior, she only asked God to forgive her, forgive her everything, and be merciful to her.It was the prayer of confession that most preoccupied her.When I went home early in the morning, I only met the masons who were going to catch up with the work, and the street sweepers. When I got home, everyone was still sleeping soundly.Natasha experienced a feeling she had never felt before, and felt that it was possible to right her wrong and to live a new life of purity and happiness.

During the whole week of living this life, this feeling intensified day by day.To receive Holy Communion, or "communion," as Agrafena Ivanovna was fond of saying, was such a great happiness to Natasha that she did not even feel that she could live this blissful Sunday. But the day of happiness finally came, and on this memorable Sunday for her, when Natasha returned from communion in white muslin, for the first time in countless months she felt calm and unaffected by the life in front of her. repressed. The doctor came to see Natasha that day and told her to continue taking the powders he had last prescribed two weeks before.

"It's important to continue taking your medication every morning and evening," he said, clearly pleased with his success. "However, don't be careless. Countess, don't worry." The doctor said jokingly, and quickly took a gold coin and held it in her hand. Soon she was singing and dancing.The last dose was working very, very well for her.She has improved a lot. The countess looked at her fingernails, spit a little, and returned to the living room with a happy face.