Chapter 14 Little Hero - Excerpt from the Memoirs of an Unknown Person-2

Anger and hatred boiled in my heart like never before, because this is the first time in my life that I have experienced such severe pain, hurt and humiliation.All of this is true without any exaggeration.In my child, a first-time, unexperienced, unfinalized feeling, roughed up, the first fragrant shyness of virginity, revealed so early And reprimand, for the first time, perhaps a very serious good impression, was met with ridicule.Of course, the people who laughed at me didn't know much about it, and they didn't have a premonition of my pain.A secret which I myself have not had time to ponder and which I have hitherto feared for some reason to analyze, is half exposed here.I continued to lie on the bed, burying my face in the pillow, distraught and hopeless.My whole body had a fever for a while, and I was shivering with cold for a while.Two questions afflict me: first, what in the woods this morning could this mischievous blonde have found between me and Mrs. M?Secondly, that is the second question.What method, what means, what kind of eyes can I use now to see Mrs. M's face without dying of shame and despair on the spot at that moment.

There was a rare noise in the courtyard, which finally woke me from my semi-conscious state.I got up and went to the window.The whole yard was filled with all kinds of vehicles, horses, and busy servants.It seems like everyone is getting ready to go out.Several riders were already on horseback.The rest of the guests were sitting in separate carriages... Only then did I remember the scheduled trip.So I began to feel uneasy, and I looked intently to see if the pony I was riding was in the yard, but there was none, which means they had forgotten me.I couldn't bear to run downstairs. As for the unpleasant meeting and the humiliation I suffered not long ago, I didn't think about it at all...

A terrible news awaits me.This time I was given neither a horse to ride nor a seat in the cart.All the carts and horses were taken, and I had to give way to others. Shocked by this new misfortune, I stood on the steps looking sadly at the long line of carriages, buggies, and buggies, all of which had no corner for me.I also looked at the well-dressed female equestrians, whose horses were restlessly waiting to set off. One rider was late for some reason.Everyone just waited for him to come and set off.His horse was standing at the gate, chewing the bridle, pawing the ground, shaking from time to time with fright, and constantly rearing its front hooves.The two grooms are carefully holding the horse's reins, and everyone is in fear, standing far away from the horse.

In fact, one very annoying thing happened that prevented me from going.In addition to the new guests who occupied all the seats and horses in the carriage, the other two horses for people were sick, and one of them was my pony.But I am not the only one suffering for this.A new visitor, the pale-faced youth I have already mentioned, also had no mount.To allay the unhappiness, our host was obliged to take extreme measures, suggesting the use of the untamed, furious stallion, but adding, to spare conscience, that the horse could not be ridden at all, if a buyer could be found If so, the Mustang should have been sold long ago.However, the guest who was reminded announced that he was a good rider, and he didn't care what kind of horse he rode, as long as he had a horse to ride, he would ride anyway.The host didn't say a word at the time, but I feel now that there seems to be an ambiguous and sly smile on his lips.While waiting for the rider who boasted of his skill as a rider, he did not get on the horse himself, but rubbed his hands anxiously and looked in the door now and then.A similar expression was even passed on to the two grooms leading the horses.They were so proud to see themselves leading this fierce horse that often killed its riders for no reason in front of the crowd, and they were a little breathless.There was something in their eyes, too, that resembled their master's sly sneer, and their eyes, wide with waiting, were looking towards the door where the brave rider should appear.Even this horse seemed to have discussed it with its master and the two grooms, showing a complacent look, as if it felt dozens of pairs of curious eyes looking at it, as if it was in front of everyone, for its own sake. He is as proud of his bad reputation as a hopeless vagabond who is not ashamed of his licentiousness, but proud of it.It seemed to be challenging warriors determined to encroach on its independence.

The warrior finally appeared.He felt a little sorry to see that they were all waiting for him, and hastily put on his gloves.He walked forward without looking away, down one step after another, and did not lift his eyes until he reached out to grab the mane of the long-awaited fiery horse.However, the fierce horse suddenly raised its front hooves and jumped suddenly, and the frightened audience shouted loudly to his attention, which made him bewildered.The young man stepped back and looked at the wild and fierce horse with a puzzled mood.At this time, the horse was trembling like a fallen leaf blown by the wind.It snorted angrily, rolled a pair of bloodshot eyes ferociously, squatted down on its hind legs from time to time, raised its front hooves, as if it was going to fly into the air, and took the two grooms away with it.The young man stood there completely bewildered for about a minute.Then, with a little confusion, he blushed a little.He raised his eyes, glanced around, and then at the terrified ladies.

"That's a nice horse!" he seemed to be saying to himself. "In every way, it's going to be a pleasure to ride, but...but, what do you know? But I'm not going to Ride it." He spoke his decision from our Master, with a bright, innocent smile on his face.This kind of smile harmonizes very well with his kind and intelligent face. "I still think you're a good rider, I swear to you," said the owner of the horse cheerfully, shaking his guest's hand warmly, even gratefully. "I am grateful precisely because you can see at a glance what kind of horse you have to deal with," he added very earnestly. "Do you believe me? I have been in the hussars for twenty-three years. But under the care of this fierce horse, three times I tasted lying on the ground, that is to say, I fell as many times as I rode it, this grazing fellow... Tancred, my friend, here There is no one to your liking, but some Ilya Muromets, who seems to be able to ride you, is sitting in the village of Karacharov waiting for you to grow old.

Well, take it away!It scares everyone enough!Pulling it out is a complete waste of effort! He summed it up by rubbing his hands triumphantly. It must be pointed out that Tancred did not bring him any benefits, but ate a lot of food for nothing.In addition, the good reputation of the old hussars for buying horses was also ruined by this useless wild horse.At an astonishingly high price, he bought back this good-looking piece of trash that no one could ride... Now he is happy after all, because his Tancred has not lost his characteristics, and has dropped another one. Rider, and thus crowned himself with new, untameable laurels.

"Why, you're not going?" cried Goldilocks, the hero of the Russian hero's song. The cav-aleir servant went with her this time, "Are you afraid?" "Probably so!" The young man replied. "Are you serious?" "Listen, do you wish me to be smashed to pieces?" "Then get on my horse quickly, don't you be afraid, it's very gentle. We won't delay, someone will come to change the saddle soon. I want to try your horse, it can't be tank column De is always so impolite!" do as promised!The naughty girl jumped out of the saddle, said the last word, and was already in front of me.

"If you think it will let you put your ill-fitting saddle on its back, then you don't know Tancred too well! Besides, I won't let you be smashed to pieces, otherwise, it will be true. Misery!" said our host.He felt elated from the bottom of his heart at the moment.In accordance with his old habit, he uttered a lot of impassioned speeches that were a bit pretentious, even a bit rude, but in his opinion he could introduce a good-hearted old hussar, who would especially win. Ladies' delight.This is one of his beautiful fantasies and his beloved.A technique we are all familiar with.

"Hey, you crybaby, don't you want to try it? Don't you really want to go?" said the brave female equestrian, pointing at Tancred as soon as she spotted me. In fact, her purpose for speaking like this is nothing more than: since I jumped off the horse in vain, I must not return empty-handed; since I was accidentally caught by her, she would not let me go without saying a few ironic words. "You're probably not like that...well, how should I put it? You're a famous hero who thinks it's shameful to be cowardly, especially when everyone's looking at you, pretty little squire," she said quickly Glancing at Mrs. M, she added that Mrs.'s car was closest to the steps.

When this handsome female equestrian approached us, intending to mount Tancred, feelings of hatred and vengeance welled up in my heart... But I couldn't tell when this jumping ghost suddenly challenged me , what is the feeling in my heart. When I saw her look at Mrs. M, I felt her eyes darken.All of a sudden, an idea formed in my head... yes, it was only a blink of an eye, not even a blink of an eye, like a spark from gunpowder.Maybe it was because I was too impulsive, so I suddenly mustered up courage and was filled with anger. I really wanted to kill all the people who were my enemies at once, and settle the accounts with them, so as to publicly show what kind of person I am now. people.Maybe it was a miracle. In this short period of time, someone taught me the history of the Middle Ages. Before that, I knew nothing about this period of history.Then in my dazed mind flashed images of jousts, knights, heroes, beauties, glory and victors; heard the trumpet of the court herald, the clang of swords, and the cry of the crowd The cheers, and amidst all these may be heard the timid cry of a frightened heart, sweeter than victory and honor, soothed to a proud soul.I don't know whether I had these wrong thoughts in my head at that time, or more precisely, it was a premonition of the wrong thoughts that would inevitably appear in the future.However, I just feel that my moment of truth has come.My heart was already beating out of my chest, it was shaking, and I couldn't remember how I jumped down the steps and appeared beside Tancred. "Do you think I'm afraid?" I yelled boldly and proudly, my eyes were blackened with excitement, I was so excited that I couldn't breathe, my face was flushed, and two lines of hot tears flowed down my cheeks. "Then just wait and see!" Before anyone could do anything to stop me, I grabbed Tancred by the mane and stepped into the stirrup, but in a flash, Tancred had already He put up his front hooves, shook his head, and with a powerful jump, broke free from the hands of the two stunned grooms, and flew into the air like a whirlwind, only to hear people screaming and screaming. God knows how I got my other foot in the stirrup mid-flight, or how I got hold of the reins.Tancred carried me across the fence gate, turned sharply to the right, and ran along the fence in a panic.It wasn't until this moment that I heard the shouts of fifty or so people behind me. The shouts aroused a sense of pride in my agitated heart, and I will never forget this moment of my childhood. Crazy moment.All my blood had rushed to my head, and my mind was overwhelmed, obliterating and suppressing my fear.I got carried away, and indeed, looking back on it now, it seems to me that it was the work of a knight! However, my chivalry from the beginning to the end, at most, can only be in the blink of an eye, otherwise, I am a bad knight.I don't know how I was saved here.Well, I know a little bit about horseback riding, I've learned it before.My pony, however, is more a sheep than a horse for riding.Of course, if Tancred had time to dump me, I would surely fall off his back.However, it had just run about fifty paces when it was suddenly frightened by a big rock by the roadside, causing it to dodge back in fright.It swerved and turned, but with so much force that it turned its head, as the saying goes, and I still don't understand why I didn't fall out of the saddle, like a rubber ball, thrown three or four yards ①, fell to pieces, Tancred did not because of this sharp turn ① an azhang equal.rice. And twisted the legs.It ran towards the gate, shaking its head frantically, pricking up its ears, hopping here and there, as if drunk and crazy, raising its front hooves, kicking in the air, every time it jumped, it wanted to throw me off its back It seemed that a tiger had jumped on its back and was grabbing it with its teeth and claws and biting its flesh.In the blink of an eye, I was about to be thrown out, and I was about to fall off the horse, but several riders had already flown to save me.Two of them blocked the road in the field, and two other riders approached us, pinching Tancred from both sides with the side of their horses, and nearly crushing my foot.At this time, the two riders had already held the reins.A few seconds later we were at the steps. I was helped off the horse, my face was pale, and I had only one breath left.My whole body trembled like a blade of grass blown by the wind, and so did Tancred. Breathing the smoke, he exhaled a mouthful of flame-like hot air, trembling slightly, like a leaf, as if my child's bold action was not punished, and it felt insulted, so it felt very annoyed, so it went straight He stayed there blankly.At this moment there were shouts of confusion, surprise, and terror all around me. At this moment, my bewildered eyes met Mrs. M's. She panicked and turned pale (I can't forget this moment).In an instant, my face was flushed, and soon my face was flushed, and my whole body was hot, as if it was on fire. I no longer knew what happened to me, but my own feelings made me embarrassing , Frightened again, shyly lowered his eyes and looked at the ground.However, my gaze was detected, discovered, secretly discovered.All eyes turned to Mrs. M, caught off guard by everyone's attention, she suddenly blushed like a child, under the influence of an innocent and uneasy feeling, and tried to hide her blushing with laughter , although very unsuccessfully... All of this is, of course, ridiculous if viewed from the side.But at that very moment, a very childish and unexpected action saved me from the ridicule of the crowd, and gave my adventure a special color.The culprit of the whole confusion, hitherto my irreconcilable enemy, the pretty girl who had so often teased me, suddenly threw herself upon me, embraced me and kissed me.When I dared to accept her challenge, and after looking at Mrs. M, I raised a glove she had thrown over.At this time, she stared dumbfounded, and couldn't believe her eyes.When I rode Tancred and galloped, she was almost scared to death because of her conscience.Now, everything is over, especially when she, along with others, caught my gaze on Mrs. M, my embarrassment, my sudden blush; finally, according to the romantic mood in her frivolous mind, she There is something new, secret, unspeakable thought to this moment.Now, after all that was over, she was so overjoyed at my "chivalry" that she actually threw herself on me and held me tight in her arms.She was very moved, and was incredibly proud and happy for me.A minute later, in the presence of all the people gathered around the two of us, she raised the most innocent and serious little face, with two small crystal clear teardrops flashing on it, in a way that no one has ever heard. Pointing at me in a grave, dignified voice, he said softly: "Maisc'esttresserieuc, messieursneriezpas! ①" But they didn't realize that everyone was standing in front of her, fascinated by her, and were raptly admiring her overjoyed expression. Her unexpected quick movements, this serious ①French, meaning is: "This is serious, gentlemen, please don't laugh! " Her face, this simplicity of innocence, the sincere tears in her little eyes that are always smiling, which no one doubts so far, all of this happened to her like no one expected. The miracle she saw made all the people standing in front of her feel as if they were electrocuted, and were infected by her quick eyes, fiery words and gestures.It seemed that no one could take their eyes off her body, for fear of missing her touching facial expression at this rare moment.Even our host, who was as red as a tulip, is said to have been heard, he later admitted that he was "ashamed" that he was almost in love with this pretty guest It was a minute long.Well, well, after this, I became a knight and a hero automatically. "Drouge, Togonburg!" ①The applause sounded continuously. "This is the future generation!" the host added. "He must go, he must come with us!" cried the beauty, "we must find him a seat, we must find a seat. He will sit with me, on my knee... Oh, no, no, I was wrong!" She laughed and corrected herself, because she couldn't hold back her laughter when she thought of our first meeting.But she laughed and touched my hand affectionately, trying to be kind to me so as not to offend me. "Sure, sure!" several voices continued, "he should go, he has already ① This is the knight and hero described by the famous German poet Schiller. Gambor. Has earned a seat for himself. The problem was solved in a blink of an eye. All the young people wanted the old maid who introduced me to the blonde to stay at home and give her place to me. She was annoyed, but she had to agree, superficially She put on a smile on her face, but she was gnashing her teeth in anger. Her protector (she often moves around her), my former enemy, and my friend I made not long ago, are already riding on the clear-headed and good-running horse. On horseback, laughing like a child, she exclaimed that she envied spinsters and wanted to stay with her because it was going to rain soon and we were all going to get soaked . The blonde's prediction that it will rain is indeed accurate.An hour later, a downpour came and our outing was ruined.We had to wait for hours in a hut in the country.When I came back after the rain, my whole body was wet, and it was already past nine o'clock in the evening.I started to shiver a little.Just as I was about to go home by car, Mrs. M came up to me and was surprised to find that I was only wearing a small jacket and that my neck was exposed.I replied that I didn't have time to bring a raincoat.She took out a pin, and pinned up the lapel of my shirt, and unfastened a scarlet muslin scarf from her own neck, and wrapped it round my neck, so that my throat would not catch the cold.She acted so hurriedly that I didn't even have time to thank her. When we got home, we found Madame M sitting with the fair-haired girl and the pale-faced young man in a small living room.The pale-faced young man has gained the reputation of a rider today because he is afraid of riding Tancred.I went to express my thanks to Mrs. M and return the scarlet muslin scarf.But now, after all my adventures, I seemed to feel a little ashamed of my conscience, and I wanted to hurry up upstairs, where I could think things over carefully, and pass my judgment.I had many, many impressions, and when I returned the turban I was, as usual, flushed up to the ears. "I bet he would have liked to have kept the turban with him," the young man said with a smile. "Judging by the look in his eyes, he would be very reluctant to part with your turban." "By the way, that's exactly it!" The blond girl hurriedly continued, "This guy! oops! ..." She said with obvious frustration, and shook her head, but in front of Mrs. M's serious gaze, she stopped talking in time. She didn't want to take the joke too far. I walked away quickly. "Hey, you're a real person!" said the naughty girl who caught up with me in another room and shook my hands in a friendly way. What about her. You said you didn’t know where to put it, wouldn’t it be over? You’re a real person! You don’t even know how to do such things! How ridiculous!” Immediately afterwards she tapped my chin lightly with one finger, laughing so hard that my face flushed like a poppy. "Am I your friend now, am I or am I? Is the hostility between us over? Is it over or is it over?" I laughed and held her fingers silently. "Okay, that's it! ... Why are you pale and trembling now? do you have chills " "Yes, I'm not feeling well." "Oh! Poor! It's because you're so excited! Do you know that? It's best to go to sleep quickly, don't wait for dinner, and you'll be fine after a night's sleep.Let's go. " She helped me upstairs, and it seemed that her care and care for me was endless.After I took off my clothes, she ran downstairs to make me tea and brought me a warm quilt, but I had already fallen asleep by then.I was deeply moved and amazed by these cares and cares!Maybe, everything that happened during the whole day, such as traveling, chills, etc., had an impact on my emotions, so when I said goodbye to her, I hugged her tightly and took her as my mother. The most considerate and closest friend, at this moment, all my feelings rushed to my already relaxed heart, and I pressed against her chest, almost crying.She found my excitement, and it seems that my playful and naughty girl was also a little moved... "You're a very kind child," she whispered, looking at me calmly with her small eyes. "Please don't be angry with me, will you? Won't you?" In a word, we have become the most considerate and faithful good friends. When I woke up, it was still quite early, but the bright rays of the sun had already illuminated the whole room brightly.I sprang out of bed feeling completely restored to health and refreshed, as if I hadn't had a chill the day before.Not only that, but now I feel unspeakably happy in my heart.I thought back to yesterday, and felt that if I could embrace my new friend, our beautiful Goldilocks, at this moment, as I did yesterday, I would be giving the happiness of my life, and I would be willing.But it was still early in the day, and everyone was sleeping.I dressed hastily, and went downstairs into the garden, and thence into the grove.I went into places where the greener leaves were denser and more resinous, and where the sun shone more cheerfully, and I was glad that here and there the sun had penetrated the dark, dense foliage.It's a wonderful morning. I walked farther and farther unconsciously, and finally came to the other end of the grove, by the Moskva River.This river flows at the foot of the mountain about 200 meters ahead.On the other side someone was mowing the grass.I could see the gods, and saw the rows of sharp sickles flashing brightly with every swing of the lawnmower, and then disappeared suddenly like fire snakes, as if in something. The place is hidden.I saw the green grass cut by the same pocket, flying to both sides in large bundles, and stacked in the long and straight field ridges.I can't remember how long I watched it, and suddenly woke up, and heard a horse's snoring sound very similar to that of a horse on a forest path leading from the main road to the master's house in a small wood about twenty paces away from me. The sound of impatiently pawing the ground.I don't know if it was the horseman who just came up to me and stopped the horse, I heard the sound of the horse, maybe I have heard it for a long time, but it just scratched my ears in vain Itchy, very weak, failed to wake me from my reverie.With curiosity, I walked into the grove, and after a few steps, I heard a rush and slight voice.I approached a little closer, and carefully pushed aside the nearest rows of branches from the last bushes that covered the path. I immediately stepped back in shock: a familiar white dress flashed in front of my eyes, and then a woman The soft voice, like music, echoed in my heart.It turned out that this was Mrs. M.She was standing beside the rider who was speaking hastily to her from his horse.To my great surprise, I found that this person was the young man, Mr. H, who left us yesterday morning and Mr. M was busy seeing him off.But people said at the time that he was going far, far away to the south of Russia, so I couldn't help being surprised when he reappeared with us so early and with Mrs. M. She was so excited, so excited, like I've never seen her before, and had tears streaming down her cheeks.The young man leaned over from the saddle, took her hand, and kissed and kissed it.I just caught up with the moment when they said goodbye.It seemed that they were in a considerable hurry.Finally, the young man took a sealed letter from his pocket, gave it to Madame M, put his arm around her, and, as before, without dismounting from his horse, kissed her long and hard.After a while, he whipped his horse and galloped past me like an arrow. Mrs. M watched him for several seconds, then walked home sadly and dejectedly.But just after walking a few steps on the path, he seemed to wake up suddenly, and hurriedly parted the bushes and walked through the grove. I followed her, distraught and amazed by what I saw.My heart was pounding, as if I had been frightened.My whole body was numb, my eyes were blurred, my thoughts were disturbed, and I couldn't concentrate, but I clearly remember something that made me very sad.Her white dress flashed in front of me from time to time through the green leaves.I followed her mechanically to prevent her from disappearing from my sight, but I kept trembling all over, for fear of being seen by her.At last she came to the path that led to the garden.After waiting for half a minute, I also came out.What a surprise I was when I suddenly found a letter sealed in lead on the red sand of the path!I recognized at a glance that it was the same letter that I had handed to Madame M ten minutes before. I picked up the letter. Both the front and the back were blank, with nothing written on it. At first glance, the letter was small, but thick and heavy, as if it contained three or four pages or more of letter paper. What does this letter mean?There is no doubt that it can tell all the secrets.Perhaps it contained words that Mr. H had not had time to finish speaking during the hasty tryst.He didn't even get off his horse because the time was too short... He must have been in too much haste, maybe he was afraid that he would lose control at the moment of parting—God only knows... I stopped, did not set foot on the path, and threw the letter towards her, where it was most conspicuous, and watched it intently, thinking that Mrs. M would find that something was missing and turn back to look for it.But after waiting for three or four minutes, I couldn't bear it anymore. I picked up the things I had picked up again, put them in my pockets, and went after Mrs. M. I overtook her on a large avenue in the garden.She was walking directly toward the house, with a swift and hasty step, but after a moment of reflection she lowered her eyes to the ground.I don't know what to do.Go over and give it to her?That meant telling her I knew it all, saw it all.As soon as I open my mouth, I will definitely expose myself.How shall I see her?What would she think of me? …I waited for her to come to her senses, remember what she had lost, and then retrace my steps.Then I could sneak the letter down the road and let her pick it up.but not!We have reached the front of the house, she has been seen by everyone... It seems that someone has arranged it on purpose. Almost everyone got up early this morning, because yesterday's outing was unsuccessful, and they planned to do it again last night, but I don't know this.Everyone was ready to go and had breakfast on the balcony.In order not to be seen with Mrs. M, I managed to wait about ten minutes before going around the garden and heading towards the house in the other direction, arriving much later than Mrs. M.She paced up and down the balcony, pale and frightened, with her hands folded on her chest.From every point of view she was struggling to suppress the anguish and hopeless sorrow which was visible in her eyes, in her step, in every movement of hers.From time to time she came down the steps and walked a few steps between several flower beds along the direction to the garden.Her eyes were eagerly, greedily, even carelessly looking for something in the sand of the flower-path and on the balcony floor.No doubt she was thinking of dropping things, as if wondering where she had dropped the letter here, near the house.Yes, she thought so, she believed in it! I don't know who noticed her pale face and panicked expression, and then others also noticed.So they asked her how her health was, and expressed their regrets at the same time.She prevaricates it with a joke, a smile on her face, and she pretends to be very happy.She glanced now and then at her husband, who was standing at the end of the balcony talking to two ladies. The poor woman was trembling and embarrassed, just as she had been the first night her husband had arrived.I put my hands in my pockets, held the letter tightly, and stood far away from everyone, praying to the heavens, hoping that Mrs. M could see me.I really want to encourage her and comfort her, even if it's just by looking at her.I'm going to tell her something secretly.But when she glanced at me inadvertently, I trembled all over and lowered my eyes. I've seen her pained expression, and I'm not mistaken.I have not known that secret till now, except what I have seen and what I have just told.Perhaps their relationship is not the kind that can be seen at a glance.Perhaps that kiss was only a polite sign of parting, perhaps it was a last, meager reward from him for the sacrifice she had made for his peace and honor. Mr. H left, but let her stay, maybe never to see each other again.Finally, who knows what is contained in this letter even as I hold it in my hand?How to judge, who is qualified to reprimand?But one thing is beyond doubt: the sudden exposure of the secret will be a terrible disaster for her, a huge blow in her life.I still remember her face clearly at this moment: I can't stand another disaster anymore.She already felt, already knew with certainty, and was waiting as if for execution, that in another quarter of an hour, a minute, all would be revealed; If you write your name and address, it will definitely be disassembled. At that time... what should you do at that time?Which punishment was more terrible than what she was about to face?She hovered among her future judges.再过一会儿，他们讨好、奉承的笑脸，就会变得阴森可怕，残酷无情。她就会从这些人的脸上看到嘲笑、恼怒和冷冰冰的蔑视神情，她一生中永远暗无天日的黑夜就要来临……是的，我当时还不象现在这样想的，对这一切都不明白。我只有一点怀疑和预感，再加上为她的危险处境感到心痛，其实对于这一危险，我并没有完全意识到。但是不论她的秘密中包含的是什么，——这种事情如果需要用什么去赎罪的话，那么她经历的那些悲痛的时刻已经可以赎回许多许多事。我是这些悲痛时刻的目击者，而且永远也忘不了这些时刻。 但是马上传来了准备动身的欢快喊声，于是大家高高兴兴忙乱起来，到处响起欢声笑语。两分钟后，凉台上就空寂无人了。Ｍ夫人放弃了这次旅游，终于承认她身体欠佳。谢天谢地，幸好大家都已出发，都在急急忙忙，没有时间来表示同情、详细询问和提出各种忠告了，要不真叫人腻烦！只有少数几个人留在家里。她丈夫对她说了几句话，她回答说她今天就会康复，要丈夫不必耽心，她也没有必要躺下来，她要一个人去花园……与我一起去……这时她望了我一眼。这真是幸福不过的事情！我高兴得脸都红了。一分钟以后我们就动身了。 她沿着前不久从小树林回来时走过的那几条林荫道和小径走去，本能地回忆原先走过的路，两眼一动不动地望着前方，视线却不离开地面，在上面竭力寻找，也不回答我的问话，也许已经忘记我是同她走在一起的。 但是当我们几乎要走到小道的尽头，我捡到信的那个地方时，Ｍ夫人突然停下了脚步，用愁苦得十分虚弱的声音，说她的身体更差了，她要回去。不过，走到花园的栅门口时，她又停下了脚步。想了一会儿后，她的唇边出现了绝望的苦笑。 她浑身乏力，痛苦已极，决心承担一切后果，听凭命运的摆布，于是她默默地回到原来的道路上，这一次甚至忘记了提醒我一声…… 我难过已极，心都碎了，而且不知道该怎么办才好。 我们往前走去，正确点说，是我引着她朝一个小时前我听到马蹄声和他们说话声的地方走去的。在一颗枝繁叶茂的榆树附近，有一张在一整块石头上凿出来的长凳，长凳的周围爬满了常春藤，长着野生的茉莉和野蔷薇。（整个小树林还装点着小桥、亭阁以及诸如此类的景物）Ｍ夫人坐在长凳上，下意识地望了望展现在我们面前的美妙景色。过了一会儿她打开一本书，两眼直盯着，既没翻页子，也没看书，简直不知道到底在干什么。时间已经到了九点半。太阳已经高高升起，在我们头顶上蔚蓝、深邃的高空中缓缓移动，好像溶化在自己放出的火光之中。割草的农民已经远去。从我们这边河岸看去，只能隐隐约约地看到他们的身影。他们的身后，是割去了青草的无边无际的田垄。清风徐来，偶尔送来青草的芬芳。那些“不播种、不收割”的小虫、小鸟们正在附近举行永不停止的音乐会。它们鼓起活泼的翅膀，扑打着空气，像空气一样自由自在、无拘无束。在这一瞬间，似乎每一朵花，每一颗小草都在散发着自我牺牲的芬芳，同时对创造它们的造物主说：“父亲啊！我多么自由自在，我多么幸福啊！” 我朝可怜的女人望了一眼，在这欢乐的天地里，她孤单单的，活像一个死人。两大颗泪珠一动不动地停留在她的眼睫毛上，那是心灵的剧痛压出来的。我完全有力量使这颗可怜的、奄奄一息的心活跃起来，得到幸福，只是不知道如何迈出第一步。我感到痛苦。我成百次地想走到她身边，但每次都有一种无法遏止的感情把我钉在原地，每次我的脸庞都发烧，火辣辣的。 突然，一个明朗的想法，照亮了我的心。办法已经找到，我又回复到了原来高兴的状态。 “您要我去给您摘一束花来吗？”我用高兴的声音说道，使得Ｍ夫人突然抬起头来，目不转睛地望了望我。 “您去摘吧，”她终于开口说话了，声音非常微弱。微微一笑之后，她马上又垂下两眼，盯着那本书看。 “要不然他们到这儿来把草一割，花就没有啦！”我大声叫嚷，高高兴兴跑去摘花。 很快我就采集了一束，不过花色单一，品种贫乏。真不好意思拿到房里去。不过在我采摘和包扎这束花的时候，我的心跳得多么欢快啊！野蔷薇和野茉莉还是就地采到的。我知道不远处有一块庄稼地，那里的黑麦正在成熟。我跑到那里去采矢车菊。我把它和长长的麦穗混在一起，挑选了一些最壮实，色彩最鲜艳的。就在这儿的近处，我找到了一整窝勿忘草，于是我的花束开始源源不断地得到补充。稍远一点的田野里，又找到了一些蓝色的风铃草和野石竹，至于海百合则是我跑到河边采来的。最后，在我返回原地的时候，我又去小树林呆了一会儿，以便弄几片绿油油的掌状枫叶，用来包扎花束。我偶然发现一大片三色堇。我的运气真好，就在它的附近，我闻到了紫罗兰的花香，一朵小小的紫罗兰藏在茂密、葱翠的草丛中，上面还撒着晶莹透亮的露珠。花束终于做成了。我用又长又细的小草搓成绳子，将花束牢牢地扎住，然后小心翼翼把那封信塞到里面，上面用花盖着，只要她在我献花时稍加留意，就可以很容易发现这封信的。 我捧着花束，朝Ｍ夫人身边走去。 走在半路上，我觉得信放得太显眼，于是我用更多的花将它盖住。再走近一点的时候，我又把信往花里塞了塞，最后，几乎快走到的时候，我又突然把信往花束的深处塞去，从外面已经什么也看不出来了。我的两颊发烧，好像燃起了一堆火焰。我很想用两手捂住面庞，马上跑掉，但她心不在焉地望了望我的花，好像完全忘记了我是去采花的。她几乎是机械地，几乎没有看就伸出一只手来接我的礼物，而且立即把它放在长凳上，好像我把花交给她，就是让她把花放到长凳上的。随后她又垂下眼睛看书，好像读得出神了。失败使我差点哭了起来。“不过，只要我的花束留在她的身边，”我想道，“只要她不忘记花束就好了！”我躺在近处的草地上，右手枕着头，闭着两眼，似乎很想睡觉。但是，我的视线一直没有离开她，我在等待…… After ten minutes.我觉得她的脸色越来越苍白……突然，一个极好的机遇来了，它可帮了我的大忙。 那是一只金黄色的大蜜蜂。它是一阵和煦的清风给我刮来帮忙的。它先是在我头顶嗡嗡地叫了一阵，后来就飞到了Ｍ夫人身边。夫人一次又一次用手把它挥开，但那只蜜蜂好像与夫人故意为难，变得越来越令人讨厌。最后，夫人抓起我的花束，在她自己面前用力一挥。就在这一煞那间，信从花底下掉了出来，直接落在打开的书上。我浑身一抖。Ｍ夫人看了一会儿，惊吓得说不出话来，一会儿看看信，一会儿又望望捏在手中的花，好像不相信自己的眼睛……突然她的脸庞红了起来，红得全身发紫，赶紧瞟了我一眼。但是我已截住了她的目光，紧紧闭着两眼，装作睡着了。我现在无论如何也不敢直接望她的脸庞。我的心在怦怦乱跳，就像一只被乡村里的卷发顽童逮住的一只小鸟。我记不清我闭着两眼躺了多久，大概有两三分钟吧。最后，我麻着胆子，睁开了两眼，发现Ｍ夫人正在如饥似渴地贪婪地读信，从她发烧的面颊、从她闪闪发亮、噙满泪水的目光，从她每一根细小的线条都在高兴得颤动不已的明朗面容来看，我猜想：她的全部幸福都包含在这封信里；她的全部忧愁与烦恼，都已像烟雾一样消散得干干净净。一种既痛苦又甜蜜的感觉，渗进了我的心头，我已经难于装睡了…… 我永远也忘不了这一时刻！ 突然，从我们的远处传来几声喊叫：“Ｍ夫人！Ｍａｔａｌｉｅ！Ｍａｔａｌｉｅ！” ①Ｍ夫人没有回答，但很快从长凳上站起身来，走到我身边，然后对着我俯下身子。我感觉到她在直望着我的脸庞。我的睫毛开始颤动，但是我忍住了，没有睁开两眼来。我竭力①Ｍ夫人的法文名字：娜塔里亚。 使呼吸更加均匀，更加平静些，但心房的慌乱跳动，使我感到窒息。她呼出的热气，使我的面颊觉得发烫，仿佛在对它进行考验。最后，她吻了我摆在胸前的那只手，并且洒下了几滴热泪。她接连吻了两次。 “Ｍａｔａｌｉｅ！Ｍａｔａｌｉｅ！你在哪里？”又传来了喊声，而且已离我们很近了。 “我就来！”Ｍ夫人用自己浓重的银铃般的声音作了回答，但那声音却被她的泪水淹没了，颤抖起来变得非常小，小得只有我一个人能够听见了。“我就来！” 但在这一煞那间，我的心终于背叛了我，完全不听我的使唤，好像把它全部的血液，一齐涌到了我的脸上。也就是在这一眨眼之间，她在我的嘴唇上飞快而热烈地吻了一下。我轻声惊叫一声，睁开了两眼，她昨天给我的那块薄纱头巾马上落在我的眼睛上，好像她想以此为我遮住阳光。过了一会儿她就不见了。我只是清楚地听到匆匆远去的沙沙脚步声。这儿只剩下我孤零零的一个人了。 我从脸上拉下她的头巾，吻了又吻，高兴得简直忘乎所以。我有好几分钟就像疯子似的！……好不容易缓过气来，我用手肘撑在草地上，毫无意识地、一动不动地望着自己的前方，望着附近点缀着色彩斑斓的庄稼地的小山岗，望着那条弯弯曲曲环绕着这些山岗流过的河流，在极目所及的远方，穿过另一些闪现在阳光照射到的远方的点点山丘和村落，蜿蜒而去，还看到一些蓝蓝的隐约可见的森林，好像在灼热的天际，冒着缕缕青烟，于是一种甜蜜的宁静，使我激动的心慢慢地平静下来了。这种宁静好像是肃穆、宁静的景色造成的。 我觉得轻松些了，呼吸也更加舒畅了……可是我整个的心灵不知道为什么还是感到无言的甜蜜的倦意，好像发现了什么，又好像有了什么预感。我的一颗受惊的心似乎既羞涩又高兴地猜到了什么事情即将发生，于是在期待中轻轻地颤动…… 突然我的胸膛开始受到震荡，一阵剧痛袭来，仿佛胸膛被什么东西刺穿了似的，接着是泪水，甜蜜的泪水从我的眼睛里一齐涌出。我双手捂着脸，浑身不停地颤抖，像一根小草，完全沉浸在心灵的第一次觉醒和感悟之中，沉浸在我的天性的第一次的、还不明显的觉醒之中。……我最初的童年随同这一刹那间结束了…… ... 两个小时过后，当我回到家来的时候，已经找不到Ｍ夫人了：她因为突然有事，和丈夫一起乘车去莫斯科了。我以后再也没有遇见过她。