Chapter 15 Chapter Thirteen

How did Gao Langgujie see Gao Kang's amazing wisdom from the way he wiped his ass In the year when Gao Kang was five years old, Gao Langgujie defeated the Canari and returned to visit his son.A father like this, seeing such a son, would love it so much. He kisses and hugs him at the same time, and at the same time teases him with all kinds of childish words.He drank with Gao Kangda and Gao Kangda's nannies, and asked them a lot of questions in detail, especially whether they washed the children often.To this point, Gao Kangda replied that he had expressed that he would become the cleanest child in the country.

"How did you do it?" Gao Langgujie asked. ① "Oil" (larder) and "joke" (larder) are homonyms, and here is a pun, which means that it is enough to be joked. ② The original text is sens devant et sens derriere. According to the pronunciation of sens and cent (one hundred), it can also be interpreted as one hundred flowers in the front and one hundred flowers in the back. ① Refers to the fiefdom of Kayusak, which was later owned by the nephew of the author's protector Ma Yezai Bishop Dai Tisak. ① Canarians: Residents of the Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean.

Gao Kangda replied: "After a long period of careful experiments, I discovered the most noble, most perfect, most convenient method of wiping buttocks that no one has ever seen." "Which method?" Gao Langgujie asked. Gao Kangda said, "I'll tell you right away. "Once I wiped my ass with a maid's velvet visor, and it was good, because the velvet was soft and made my anus very comfortable; "Another time, I used their hat, and it was just as comfortable; It was a scarf; "another time, ear caps of fuchsia satin, but a mass of dungballs of gold on them scratched my whole bottom.If St. Anthony's divine fire ① rotted the intestines of the jeweler's silversmith and the jeweler's lady-in-waiting!

"I wiped my ass with a squire's feathered Swiss guard hat until it stopped the pain. "Another time, I was defecating behind a clump of trees and saw a March cat②, I wiped my ass with it, but its claws scratched my perineum to pieces. "The next day, I wiped my butt with my mother's benzoin-infused glove, and I was cured. "Since then, I have wiped my ass with salvia, fennel, dill, hyssop, roses, gourd leaves, cabbage, radishes, vines, sunflowers, crocus (the receptacles are pearly red), lettuce, spinach—these , After using it, my legs feel very good! ——I also used flame vegetables, hot peppers, ramie, and hemorrhoids, but I got Lombardia ③ dysentery ④ with these, I used Wiping my ass with my own crotch before it healed it.

"After that, I wiped my buttocks with sheets, quilts, curtains, cushions, carpets, green felts, tablecloths, towels, handkerchiefs, and bathrobes. These, I think, are more comfortable than scabies and itching." "So," Gao Langgujie said, "Which one do you think is the best to wipe your ass?" Gao Kangda said: "I'm going to talk about it, tu autem⑤, and you will know it soon. Later, I also used hay, wheat straw, animal hair, wool, and paper. But I wiped the smelly buttocks with paper, and the temptation remained in the legs deep." "What's the matter, my little guy!" Gao Langgujie said, "Have you been drinking, why are you already talking rhyme?"

Gao Kangda said: "Yes, my father, I have always uttered rhymes, and the rhymes are so cold. Listen to my poems: Feces, running belly, farting, taking it out, your piss, splashing out, ① St. Anthony's divine fire, originally refers to a kind of ergot poisoning, the symptoms are red spots on the body, and itching is unbearable.Cursing people with St. Anthony's fire was very popular in the sixteenth century. ② Cats born in March are considered the best cats. ③ Lombardia: Northern Italy. ④ The French army was plagued by dysentery in Lombardia. ⑤ In Latin, after the catechism class, students sing "Tu autem, Domine, miserere nobis" (God have mercy on us).Here it means: results.

① The pronunciation of the original text en rimant (rhyme) is similar to that of m'nrime (cold). Lay it down and pee all over your body. Smelly, dirty, filthy, dripping down, let St. Anthony's fire burn you! If not before leaving, wipe your front and rear holes carefully! "Or?" "Yes," Gao Langgujie replied. Gao Kangda said: "Listen to this again: Rondo rhyme One day I was pooping, and my ass felt a little lacking, and the smell was different from what I imagined, and my whole body stinks. oh!Who is willing to take it easy and bring a beautiful woman to accompany me to defecate!

I will never clumsily block the portal of her urination, I just ask her to use her slender fingers to protect my anus and let me expel the feces. "Now, do you still say that I don't understand anything? Speaking to the Holy Mother of God, I didn't make it, but heard it when the lady read it aloud, and it was recorded in my head later. " Gao Langgujie said: "Continue with what you just said." Gao Kangda said, "What? Pooping?" Gao Langgujie said, "No, wipe your butt." Gao Kangda said: "If I can speak better than you on this issue, would you be willing to bring out a barrel of Breton wine as a treat?"

"Of course you can," Gao Langgujie said. Gao Kangda said: "If there is no shit, there is no need to wipe the buttocks. If there is no bowel movement, there will be no shit. Therefore, if you want to wipe the buttocks, you must first have a bowel movement." Gao Langgujie said: "Yes, child, you are quite smart! I will give you the title of Doctor of Jokes in a few days. To be honest, your ability to reason is far beyond your age. You continue to talk about wiping your ass." Go down. Talk to my beard, don't say it's a barrel, I'll give you sixty barrels, and it's guaranteed to be authentic Breton wine. Breton wine is not produced in Brittany, but Produced in the good place of Veron ①."

Gao Kangda said: "Later, I used turbans, pillows, slippers, backpacks, baskets to wipe my butt - and the baskets were uncomfortable to wipe - and later I used hats. You know, hats have flat hair, long hair, Velvet, silk, satin. And the best is the plush, because it cleans the bottom with it. ① Viron: the basin of the Loire and Vienna rivers. "Later, I also used hens, roosters, chicks, calfskins, rabbits, pigeons, cormorants, lawyer's briefcases, hoods, hoods, and fake hunting birds. "However, on the whole, I can say, and hold to this opinion, that all butt wipers are worth nothing more than a well-fluffed gosling, but only if you take it with its The head is bent between the two legs. I guarantee it on my reputation, you can completely believe it. Because the anus will feel an extraordinary pleasure, both the softness of the down and the warmth of the goose body, the heat can go straight to the large and small intestines, From the heart to the brain. Don't think that the enjoyment of the heroes and gods of Elysium, as the old ladies here say, is only lilies, elixirs, or nectar. Their enjoyment (as I think) is to use Goose wipes asses, that's what Master John of Scotland thought."

② A fake leather bird. After the hunter releases the hawk, if he refuses to come back, he takes out the fake bird and lures the hawk back. ③ Master John of Scotland refers to the philosopher Duns Scotus.