Chapter 22 twenty two

It was like falling from a height of 30,000 feet and falling to the ground.I don't know where all my anger went. "I can't stand it," I said to the doctor. "Why didn't you warn me beforehand?" My original ecstatic mood had already turned into unspeakable melancholy that afternoon. "But nothing went wrong..." Before I finished speaking, I realized that I seemed to be incoherent. "I mean, Marcy's still fine. It's all about me. I just get a little choke: stuck." I paused.I didn't make it clear what problem I got stuck on. I understand it in my heart.But it's hard to export:

"Take her to my house. I really can't do it. I don't know if you understand what I mean." Once again, the problem was that I was too hasty in doing things.Why should I be so eager to get Marcie out of her house?Why should I force both parties to make this kind of...commitment immediately? "Maybe I was just selfish, trying to use Marcy to... fill that void." I thought about the assumption I had made. "But maybe it's because of Jenny. Because, although it's been nearly two years, I'm afraid I can justify trying this way, but I still can't make up my mind to come into my house! To get someone Entering my house and sleeping in my bed, I still can’t figure it out! Of course, if we are more realistic, the house is no longer the house it used to be, and the bed is no longer the same bed as it used to be. There shouldn’t be any uneasiness anymore. But it’s really terrible, but I just feel that I can’t make it through.”

You see, in my sense, my "home" is still where I live with Jenny to this day. It's strange to say: People say that married people dream about how happy it is to be single; but I am a weird person, I always feel in a trance, thinking that I still have a wife at home. It also works that no one has broken into my house yet, and no one has come to sleep in my bed.In other words, my mind is still enjoying itself, and I always maintain the illusion that there is someone in my family who shares everything with me. For example, sometimes I will receive one or two forwarded letters, and the recipient's name on the envelope is the same as the two of us.Radcliffe College often sent her letters asking her to donate to her alma mater.I only told some friends about the news of Gianni's death, and I didn't inform other parties at all. If there is any benefit, it is a benefit.

I have one other toothbrush in the bathroom besides mine, and that's the only one I have. It's Gianni Cavilelli's old toothbrush. So you see, I can only: either be dishonest to a woman... Or betray Otome. Then the London doctor spoke. "So you feel that you are not human anymore." He finally understood.But I really didn't expect that his understanding made things even more complicated. "Does it have to be either or not?" he asked me, borrowing Kierkegaard's words. "Is there no other explanation for your inner conflict?" ① Kierkegaard (1813-1855), a Danish philosopher, theologian, and pioneer of existentialism.He has a book called "Either or That".

"How to explain?" I really can't think of it. There was a moment of silence. "You like her," said the London doctor, after a moment, nodding impassively. I carefully discern the taste. "Which 'she' is this?" I asked. "You didn't make it clear."