Chapter 7 7

"Let's leave that Oedipus the Rex thing aside." ① "Oedipus the King" refers to what the psychoanalyst Freud called the Oedipus complex.Oedipus is the son of Laios, king of Thebes, and Jocasta, queen of Thebes in Greek mythology.When he grew up, he accidentally killed his father.Later, because of removing the monster Sphinx, he was hailed as the new king by the Thebes.Without knowing each other, they married their mother again.After finding out, his mother hanged herself, Oedipus stabbed himself in both eyes, and died in wandering.The Oedipus complex refers to the abnormal mentality of a son who loves his mother and hates his father. Here, it obviously refers to the point of hating his father.

This is how my well-prepared self-report began when I met the doctor.To find a reliable psychiatrist, a set of procedures is indispensable, which is actually very simple.That is the first thing you have to do is to call your friend who is a doctor and say that you have a friend who needs to be seen by a psychiatrist.So your doctor friend will introduce an expert doctor to the patient.In the end, you dialed one or two hundred turns on the phone, hesitated again and again, and finally dialed the phone and made an appointment to go to the clinic for a first visit. "To tell you the truth," I continued on my way, "I've taken this kind of course too, and I know what the jargon means when we talk about it. When I married Jenny I also know what name I should label my attitude towards my father. In short, the analysis according to Freud's theory is not the purpose of my asking you for advice today."

The Dr. Edwin London, though he was described by his introducer as a "very elegant" man, was not much talkative. "Then what are you doing here?" He asked expressionlessly. What he said surprised me.My opening remarks have been successfully finished, but before I can take a breath, the "reverse questioning" has already begun. Seriously, what the hell am I here for?What on earth do I want to hear from him?I swallowed, answering so softly that I could barely hear myself. "I don't understand how I became insensitive." He didn't make a sound, waiting for me to continue.

"Since Jenny died, I've been pretty darn ignorant. Of course, I get hungry sometimes. It only takes fast food to take care of that. But other than that... these eighteen months Come on... I can say that I have become a completely ignorant person." He just listened to me and let me dig out all the thoughts in my heart.All kinds of thoughts rushed out at the same time, bringing endless pain.I feel terrible.No, I should say I didn't feel anything.That only made it more uncomfortable.I've lost my soul since Gianni was gone.Thanks to Philip.No, actually Philip couldn't help me much.Although he did try his best.I just don't feel anything.Almost two full years.I get along with normal people and it just doesn't elicit an emotional response.

That's it.I was sweating profusely. "Feeling sexually desired?" the doctor asked. "No," I said.In order to make it more clear, I added another sentence: "Not a single bit." The other party did not immediately interface.Was the doctor surprised?I couldn't see any expression on his face.I thought it was something that both of us knew at a glance anyway, so I said again: "Needless to say, I also know that this is because of my guilt." Then Dr. Edwin London spoke the longest sentence he had that day. "Do you feel that you are responsible for Jenny's death . . . ?"

Do I feel like I'm somehow responsible for Jenny's death...?Immediately I remembered that the day Jenny died I couldn't help thinking about dying.But that was just a flash.I understand that my wife has leukemia, which is not caused by my husband.But…… "Maybe a little bit. I think I did at one point. But mostly I'm angry with myself. There's a lot of things I just couldn't do for her while she was alive." After a moment of silence, the London doctor said, "How about an example?" I talked again about my break with my family.Said that because Jenny's birth status is slightly different from mine (in fact, the difference is quite different!), I used the fact of marrying her to announce to the world that I was independent from my family.Look, rich dad, you see I succeed on my own!

There's only one thing I'm failing at.I made Jenny very unhappy.Not just emotionally.Of course, I have already caused her enough distress in terms of relationship, because the depth of her love for her parents is really unspeakable.But what troubled her even more was my resolute refusal to take any more money from my parents.This is something I can be very proud of.But alas!Jenny grew up in a poor family. If she still ended up with no bank savings, how would this life be any different to her?What's so great about it? "Just to accommodate my arrogance, she had to make so many sacrifices."

"In your opinion she also thinks it's her sacrifice?" asked the doctor.Presumably he had intuited that Gianni had never complained. "Doctor, it's no longer interesting to speculate on what she thought at that time." He looks at me. At this very moment, I'm afraid I'm going to... cry. "Gianni is dead, but I didn't realize until today how selfish my actions were." After a while. "how?" "That was when we were about to graduate. Jenny applied for a scholarship and could have gone to France to further her studies. But when we decided to get married, she didn't say a word. The two of us had the same mind: married Just stay in Cambridge and put me in graduate law school. You know why?"

There was another silence.The London doctor said nothing.So I went on and on. "We didn't think it would work otherwise. You know why? It's because of my bloody arrogance! Just to show that my career is more important than hers!" "There may be conditions that you don't understand," the London doctor said.He's trying to assuage my guilt, but it's not necessarily a smart way to do it. "Anyway, I know she's never been to Europe before! That's how I know! Couldn't I accompany her to France first, and come back a year later to be my lawyer?"

He probably thought that I read some propaganda materials of the Women's Liberation Movement, and felt guilty afterward.He was completely wrong.The reason why I am so sad is not because I hindered Gianni's "further study", but because I failed to let her enjoy the scenery of Paris, the sights of London, and the sentiment of Italy. "You understand?" I asked him. There was another cold spot. "You're going to get my opinion on this one?" he asked. "I came here for this purpose." "How about we talk about it tomorrow at five o'clock?"

I nodded.He also nodded.So I left. To calm my mind, I walked down Park Avenue.On the one hand, it is also good to prepare for this next step.Surgery starts tomorrow.To operate on the soul, I know that it must hurt.I am mentally prepared for this. Just don't know how it works.