Chapter 20 -4

Joseph Nance looked up at the sky and saw a crescent moon hanging like a sickle high above the canopy of palm trees.It was cold in the middle of the night, and he couldn't help shivering.Listening to the evening conversation of two camel travelers about himself and his newly abandoned responsibilities, which put him in front of a distorting mirror, was strange, but instructive.Well, if a whore had ever played a trick on him.Ah, it was bad enough, though not the worst.He brooded over the conversation of the two strangers for a long time, and did not allow himself to fall asleep until late at night, because his brooding was not in vain.He had come to a conclusion, had made up his mind, and with this new decision he fell asleep peacefully, and slept till dawn.

Josephus' new decision was exactly the advice the young man of the two camel guests had rejected.He resolved to follow the old man's advice and visit the Brother Dion, known as Pugil.He has long admired his name, and today he just recites his hymns earnestly.This famous confessor elder, judge of the soul, spiritual guide, probably also gave himself advice, judgment, punishment, and pointed out the way out.Josephus was willing to entrust himself to this God's mouthpiece, and to obey whatever arrangements he made for him. Josephus left while the two travelers were still asleep, and after traversing a rather difficult distance, he reached a place that day he knew that pious monks lived, hoping to find out where he was going to Aspen. The route that Caron's camel caravans often take.

In the evening, he found himself in a lovely little oasis, where the trees were tall and the goats were singing. He believed he saw the outline of thatched roofs in the gaps in the greenery, and he seemed to smell the breath of people. When Qian approached, he noticed that there was a gaze examining him.He stopped, looked around, and saw someone sitting under the first big tree at the edge of the forest. It was an old man with a gray beard, sitting upright, with a solemn and slightly stern face, and his eyes were fixed on him. , obviously staring at it for a while.The old man's eyes are firm and sharp, but expressionless. Only those who are used to observing others, but not curious or involved, have this kind of gaze. He coldly observes all the people and things close to him, trying to get to know them, and his attitude is not overbearing. Not humble.

"Praise Jesus Christ," Josephus began.The old man's answer was an inaudible grunt. "Excuse me," Josephus asked, "you are as much a stranger as I am, and a long-time resident of this beautiful oasis,'" a stranger. "The old man with the white beard replied. "Dear elder, maybe you can tell me, is this the correct route to Ascalon?" "Yes." The old man replied, and then he stood up slowly, his limbs were slightly stiff, and it was only after he stood up straight that he saw that he was a bony giant.He stood upright, looking into the open distance.Josephus felt that the old man was not interested in talking, but he had to muster up the courage to ask again.

"Dear elder, please allow me to ask one more question," he said politely, and the old man withdrew his long-sighted gaze, and turned his gaze to him coldly and intently. "Perhaps you know where to find Elder Dion? The one they call Choon Pugil?" The stranger frowned slightly, and his gaze became even colder. "I know him," he said briefly. "You know him," cried Josephus. "Oh, please tell me, because I've come to visit Elder Dion. " The tall old man looked at the other party from top to bottom, but did not give an answer for a long time.Then, he retreated back under the original big tree, sat down slowly, and resumed his original posture of leaning against the trunk.With a slight gesture he invited Josephus to sit down likewise.Josephus obeyed meekly, feeling his legs go limp as he sat down, but immediately forgot about it, for his attention was already on the old man.At this moment, the old man seemed to be lost in thought, with a stern expression on his solemn face, but this expression was covered with another expression, like a transparent mask, which was the face of a lonely old man. An expression of pain, an expression of pain that is not allowed to be shown because of self-esteem and decency.

After a long time, the old man turned his gaze back to Josephus.He looked at the other party sharply again, and suddenly asked in a commanding tone: "Who are you?" "I am a penitent," replied Josephus, "and I have been a monk for many years." "It can be seen. I ask who you are." "My name is Josephus. My full name is Josephus Fameros." The old man remained motionless while Josephus called his name, but his brows were drawn so tightly that for a moment his eyes could hardly be seen.The old man seemed to be stunned, frightened, or disappointed by the name he heard, or just his eyes were tired, he just lost his mind for a while, and he just felt a little weak somewhere in his body. This is all old age. People often make small problems.In any case, the old man remained rigid and motionless, his eyes always closed, and when he opened them again later, his gaze changed again, or seemed to be older, more lonely, more frozen .He spoke slowly and with difficulty: "I have heard people talking about you. Aren't you the elder who listens to other people's confession?"

Josephus admitted with embarrassment that he felt identified as an embarrassing exposure.For the second time he suffered the humiliation that his reputation had incurred. The old man asked again in his terse way: "You want to visit Dion Pugil now? For what?" "I will confess to him." "What do you expect from him?" "I don't know. I trust him, and I even feel like a voice from heaven has sent me and directed me to him." "Then what do you plan to do after you have confessed to him?" "I will work on his orders." "What if there is a mistake in his advice or order?"

"I don't inquire into what's wrong or what's right, I just follow through." The old man no longer uttered any words.The sun was setting, and a bird was singing among the leaves.As the old man remained silent, Josephus rose to his feet.He timidly made the request again. "You said you knew where Elder Dion could be found. May I ask you to tell me the name of the place and show me the way?" The old man's lips pursed, and a faint smile flashed across him. "Do you think," he asked mildly, "that he will welcome you?" Josephus was stunned by this unexpected question, unable to answer, but stood dumbfounded in embarrassment.

Finally, he broke the ice and said, "At least it makes me hope to have the chance to see you again?" The old man made a farewell gesture, then nodded and replied: "I will rest here until the sunrise tomorrow. Please go, you are already hungry and tired." After a respectful farewell ceremony, Joseph Nance continued on his way and arrived at the small settlement in the evening. People live here as if living in a monastery, and a group of Christians from different cities and villages - so-called hermits - established this settlement in this remote area in order to live a simple and undisturbed life. life of quiet meditation.He was given food, water, and a bed for the night, and seeing how weary he was, they spared him the ceremonies of questioning and answering.Before people go to bed, a monk recites the evening prayer, while others kneel on the ground to listen, and finally recite "Amen" in unison.

At another time, Josephus might be happy to hang out with these pious monks for a while, but now, he only thinks about one thing, how to get back to the place where he bid farewell to the old man yesterday in the early morning of tomorrow.He found that the old man was sleeping soundly on the ground wrapped in a thin straw mat, so he sat down on the other side of the tree and waited for the old man to wake up. Soon, the sleeping person turned around and woke up.Pushing aside the straw mat, he stood up with difficulty, stretched his stiff limbs, then fell to his knees and began to say his morning prayers.When the old man stood up again, Josephus immediately stepped forward and silently saluted.

"Have you eaten?" asked the strange old man. "No. I am used to having one meal a day, and not until after sunset. Are you hungry, my lord?" "We're on our way," said an old man, "we're neither young anymore.So it is better to eat something before continuing the journey. " Josephus opened his rucksack and offered dates to the old man. The kind monks gave him a piece of millet pancake last night and shared it with the old man. "Let's go on our way," said the old man when he had finished eating. 'Sound, shall we go together? ' exclaimed Joseph happily. "Of course. You asked me to show you the way. Now go." Josephus looked at the old man with surprise and joy. "How kind you are," he cried, trying to say a few words of thanks, but the strange old man stopped him with a curt gesture. "Only God is merciful," he said. "Let's go. Don't call you respectful from now on. Do two old penitent monks still need to talk about politeness?" The tall old man stepped forward, and Joseph followed closely, and the sun had already risen high.The guide seemed to be very familiar with the road, and told Josephus with great confidence that they would reach a shady place at noon, where they could rest for a while and escape the hottest sun.They stopped talking along the way. After walking several hours in the hot sun, till they reached a place suitable for rest, they lay down in the shade of some steep cliffs, and Josephus again asked his guide that they had a few more days to go. Only after a long distance can we reach the residence of Dion Pugil. "That's up to you," the old man replied. "Me?" cried Josephus, "oh, if it were up to me, I'd like to see him today." The old man also seemed to have no interest in talking at the moment. "Let's see the situation," he simply cut off the conversation, turned around, and closed his eyes.Josephus didn't want to disturb the old man when he was dozing off, so he moved aside gently, but fell asleep as soon as he lay down, because he had been awake for a long time the night before.It was his guide who woke him up when he felt that it was time to go on the road. They came to a place where they could rest in the afternoon, where there was water, trees, and green grass.After they drank water and washed themselves, the old man decided to rest here.Josephus was very unwilling, so he timidly raised objections. "You said today," he said, "that it was up to me to go to Elder Dion sooner or later, and I would gladly travel a few hours more if I could get there today or tomorrow." "No need," replied the old man, "we have walked enough today." "Forgive me," Josephus continued to beg, "but you can always understand how anxious I am?" "I understand. But anxiety won't do you any good." "Then why did you tell me that everything is up to me?" "Yes, I said it. Since you made it clear that you want to repent, you can tell it at any time." "Can it be today?" "Today will do." Josénance stared in horror at the quiet old face in front of him. "Is this possible?" He gasped and shouted, "You are Elder Dion?" The old man nodded in approval. "Just lie down and rest under these trees," the old man said softly, "but don't fall asleep, just rest quietly and gather your energy. I will also rest and meditate for a while. Then, you can tell me What you long to tell." Josephus found himself at his destination so suddenly, and now he could hardly understand how he had failed to recognize the venerable old man earlier, after all they had spent the whole day together.Josephus stepped aside, knelt down and prayed, racking his brains for what he wanted to say.An hour later, he returned to the old man and asked Elder Dion if he could listen to his confession. He could finally repent.Everything poured out: how many years of his life he had lived, everything that had long seemed to have lost its value and meaning, poured out of his mouth, stories, lamentations, doubts, reproaches and self-reproaches, how he To be a Christian, to be a hermit, how to pray for purification and sanctification, and end up with confusion, darkness and despair.He recounted his entire life history, including the most recent: his escape from his old life, his sense of relief and the hope that escape brought him.He told the reason why he was determined to find Elder Dion, the sense of trust and love he had for the old man after they met, and also told how many times he felt that the old man was too cold and unreasonable, yes, too Grumpy. By the time Josephus finished speaking, the sun had already set.The old man listened attentively all the time, never interrupting or asking.Even if the confession is over, he still doesn't say a word.He stood up with difficulty, looked at Josanance very friendly, then bent over and kissed his forehead, and crossed him again.It was not until much later that Josephus realized that this was the same silent, friendly, tolerant, loving gesture he used to send off penitents. Then they ate some food, said their evening prayers, and lay down to rest.Josephus thought for a while before falling asleep. Yes, he had expected to endure a reprimand and punishment, but he didn't, but he was not disappointed, nor did he feel uneasy.Elder Dion's gaze and caring kiss greatly comforted him, he felt his heart was at peace, and soon fell into a comfortable dreamland. The next morning, the old man silently led him to move on.They walked almost without stopping for a whole day, and then walked for four or five days, and finally reached Dion's residence.They lived on the same floor, and Josephus helped the old man with some daily chores and got acquainted with Dion's daily life. Their common life was not much different from the life Josephus had lived in the past many years.The only difference is that he no longer lives alone, but lives under the shade and protection of another person, so that the life he leads now is after all quite different from before.Penitents and seekers of solace continued to come from the vicinity, from Ascalon, and from farther afield.In the beginning, whenever a guest came, Josephus always left in a hurry, and did not reappear until the guest had left.However, Elder Dion often called him back like a servant, asking him to fetch water or do other small things. As time passed, Josephus became accustomed to helping with confession affairs, and accompanied and listened to guests more and more. Confession - as long as the person concerned does not object. In fact, most confessors do not like to face the majestic Dion Pujl alone, but would rather have this gentle, gentle and helpful assistant to accompany them.Thus Josephus gradually became acquainted with the manner in which Elder Dion listened to confessions, and his methods of comforting, reprimanding, punishing, and giving counsel.Josephus rarely had the courage to ask questions, except once when a scholar or writer dropped by. Josephus judged from the visitor's account that he had made some friends who knew magic and astrology.The visitor wanted to take a rest here, so he sat with the two old ascetic monks for an hour or two.This is a polite and very talkative guest. He talked endlessly about astrology and the way of change. He said that human beings and the gods they believe in, from the beginning of ancient times to the end of ancient times, all have to pass Zodiac sign of the zodiac.He talked about Adam, the ancestor of human beings, and believed that Adam and the crucified Jesus were actually one person, so he called the Savior’s atonement as the transformation process of Adam from the tree of wisdom to the tree of life. As for the snake in paradise, According to him, he is the guardian of the holy spring, and all the images of sentient beings, all humans and gods, without exception, all come from the dark depths of the holy spring. Elder Dion listened attentively to the man's nonsense in Syriac with a heavy Greek accent, much to the annoyance of Josephus, yes, that Dion should not refute these heresies with indignation, but The wise soliloquies of the all-knowing pilgrim seem to resonate, for Elder Dion not only listens intently, but also nods and smiles at certain words with seeming satisfaction. After the guests left, Josephus asked in a fierce tone that was almost condemning: "How can you listen so patiently to the heresy of that unbeliever madman? Yes, I think, you not only listened patiently, but even Outright express your sympathy, and appear to appreciate it. Why don't you contradict him? Why don't you try to condemn him, persuade him, and convert him to our Saviour?" Elder Dion simply shook his head on his thin, wrinkled neck in reply. "I did not refute him, because it was at my own expense, or rather, because I was not in a position to refute it. This man was far beyond me in oratory, myth-making, and knowledge of the astrology. may refute him. Besides, my boy, it is not your business to refute a man's beliefs as a lie or an absurdity. I confess that it is a pleasure to hear this wise man speak, though you cannot Go in. He makes me happy, because he speaks beautifully, understands a lot, and more importantly, he reminds me of the past of my youth, because when I was young, I also engaged in the research of these knowledge and learning, and wrote many Kung fu. The fairy tales told by the stranger are not worthless. They are all parables and metaphors adopted by a certain faith, and we don’t need them because we believe in Jesus, our only Savior. ...yet those who have not yet discovered our faith--who may never know our faith--have a right to respect and believe in the wisdom rooted in their ancient ancestors. Of course, my dear friends, Our belief is a completely different kind of belief. But since our belief does not need the similes of astrology and eternity, primordial waters and the Mother Universe and the like, we can never say that such doctrines are Lies and fallacies." "But our faith," cried Josephus, "is a superior doctrine, and Jesus died for all mankind. I therefore think that anyone who knows the doctrine of the Patriarch must object to it. an outdated and old doctrine, and replace it with a new and true one." "We've been doing it, you, me, and many others," Dion replied calmly. "We are all believers in the Savior, because we are all overwhelmed by the teaching of Christ and the faith and power of dying for mankind. However, some people believe in the myths and theology of the zodiac, and they have no sense of salvation at all. The power of the Lord has not hitherto been, and it is not our business to compel them to be overwhelmed. Josephus, have you not noticed how well this mythologist is good at telling beautiful stories and weaving images? Is it a metaphor? Don't you see how harmoniously he swims in the sea of ​​wisdom of his own image and metaphor? Yes, this is a sign that he has no pressure from pain and trouble, he is content, everything We have nothing to say to those who have their way. A man is always until the worst, even the worst, until he has had many pains and disappointments, and all kinds of troubles, until When the waters were nearly submerged, he was eager for salvation and the faith of salvation, and he abandoned the old faith he had long cherished, and took the risk of accepting the belief in the miracle of salvation. Ah, Josephus, Take your time, let us leave the learned heathen to his own pleasure, to enjoy his wit, his thoughts, his eloquence. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps in a year or ten years, his art and wisdom Suddenly broke down, maybe someone killed the woman he loved or his only son, or he himself fell into poverty and sickness. If we had the opportunity to see him again under the above circumstances, we would gladly lend him a helping hand, and describe to him the ways in which we can escape our misery.If he asks us: "Why didn't you tell me yesterday, why didn't you say anything ten years ago?"—we can answer: "You were enjoying yourself then!" '" When the old man said this, his expression became serious, and he was silent for a moment.Then, as if awakened from an old dream, he added: "When I was young, I also indulged in the wisdom doctrines of the ancient elders. Even if I later embarked on the road of cross penance, the study of theology often brought me A lot of happiness, of course, also makes me worry from time to time. Most of my thoughts stop at the creation of the world, that is to say, the fact that everything in the world should be very good when everything is created, because the Bible tells us : "God looked at everything (Christ) created, and behold, everything is beautiful. 'However, in fact, this kind of beauty and perfection is only for a moment, the moment when Paradise is completed, and in a moment, in the next moment, sin and curse destroy the harmony and perfection because Adam ate the forbidden fruit from that tree.Teachers of some sects in the world say: The God who created the world, created Adam and his tree of wisdom, is not the only supreme divine way, but just a member of God, or just a low-level divine way, a creator, but The created world was not good, and it was even a big failure, so that the created beings had a hard time and had to entrust a period of the world to demons, until the highest God, the God of a soul, personally decided to let the Son End this bad world period.At the same time these teachers said, and I think so too, that henceforth the Creator and his creations began to perish, and the whole world gradually withered and aged until there was a world without creation, nature, flesh, desire, and Sin, and there is no historical era of alternating reproductive prosperity and death, but a harmonious, perfect, spiritually-filled saved world will also be born. In this new world, there will be no curse on Adam, no desire, no birth. , the eternal curse and punishment of reproduction and death.For the ugliness of the current world, we blame the Creator more than Adam, the first ancestor of mankind.We believe that if the Creator were really God himself, Adam should have been made otherwise, or at least should have been freed from temptation.The conclusion we can draw from this reasoning can only be: two Gods.The first is God the Creator, the other is God the Father, and we criticize the first without fear.Some of us have even taken the bolder step of claiming that creation should not be the work of God after all, but only the work of the devil.We all believe that we can use our above-mentioned smart ideas to help the savior and promote the birth of the future soul world, so we have launched various ideas of Shinto, world and world transformation.We were busy researching and discussing theology, until one day I had a high fever and almost died. I was in a state of febrile coma and nightmare, but my mind was still dealing with the Creator. The stories became more and more frightening, until one night when I had a high fever, I thought that I had to kill my own mother in order to extinguish the life in my flesh and blood.The devil took advantage of my febrile coma and sent all his lackeys after me.But I was healed, and to the disappointment of my old friends, I returned to what I had been before, a taciturn, unspiritual fool, who, though quickly regaining strength, never recovered. philosophical interest.For in those recovering days and nights, when the terrible fever at last subsided and I was in an almost constant slumber, every moment of waking I felt the presence of the Saviour, The energy poured into my body, and when I regained my health, I was no longer able to feel the nearness of the Savior, which made me deeply saddened.I had a great desire for this closeness, and when I heard the philosophical debates again, I realized that it would endanger my passionate desire - which I considered my greatest treasure at that time - , for fear that it will be drowned by thoughts and words like spring water lost in the sand.Enough has been said, my friends, that this is how my intellectual and theological career came to an end.From then on, I belonged to the retired people.Yet I neither despise nor discourage anyone who is good at philosophy and mythology, anyone who understands games of the kind in which I myself have indulged.Just as I had to be satisfied with the reality back then, and had to make the incomprehensible co-existence relationship between the Creator and God, creation and salvation forever my own unsolved mystery, now I also have to be satisfied with the reality in front of me , I am incapable of making philosophers into believers.Of course this is not my responsibility. " Once, after listening to a confessor describe his crimes of murder and adultery, Elder Dion said to his assistants: "Murder and adultery sounds terrible, and of course they are indeed bad things. The truth is. But I have to tell you You, Josephus, these worldly people are not really criminals after all, and I often try to put myself in the shoes of one of them, and I find them quite like little children. Yes, These people are very unruly, not kind, and not noble. They are all selfish, lustful, arrogant, and full of resentment. However, in essence, they are all innocent in the final analysis. The kids are exactly the same." "But," said Josephus hesitantly, "you often scolded them severely, and pictured to them a living picture of hell." "Exactly. They were children, so when they came to me with a bad conscience, they asked for harsh treatment, and a hard reprimand. At least that's my opinion. You didn't do what I did then. , You never scold and punish, your attitude is friendly, and in the end Yu Jian dismisses the penitent with a kiss. I don't want to accuse you, I never mean it, I just want to say, I can't do it myself." "Understood," said Josephus, "but I have to ask, why didn't you treat me as you usually do with confessors when I confessed to you, why did you just kiss me silently without saying a word About punishment?" Dion Pujl stared at Jossanance with his piercing, penetrating gaze. "Am I doing something wrong?" he asked. "I didn't say you were wrong. You obviously did the right thing at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have been so comfortable after that confession." "Then there's no need to mention it. But I did give you a long and severe punishment, though I didn't say a word. I let you go with me, as if you were Served by servants, forcing you to return to your old jobs, forcing you to attend confessions—that's why you escaped from your cave." After saying this, Elder Dion turned and wanted to go away. He always opposed long speeches.This time, however, Josephus was very stubborn. "You knew I was going to obey you then, I think, before I confessed to you, even before I knew you. No, I just want to ask now: Did you just come from this Treat me like this for a reason?" The old man walked up and down for a while, then stopped in front of Josephus, put his hand on Josephus' shoulder, and said: "My son, worldly people are like children. And sages— —Yes, no saint would come to us to confess. But we, you and I, are of the same kind, we are ascetics, seekers of truth, recluses,—we are not children, we are not innocents , and therefore are not men who can be corrected by preaching and punishment. We, we are the real sinners, we are men of knowledge and thought, we are men who have eaten the fruit of the tree of wisdom in heaven, so there should be no children among us. We don’t go back to the secular world after we have confessed and endured the punishment. We don’t indulge in pleasures, fame, and even kill each other occasionally like the secular people. Experienced sin is not a fleeting nightmare that cannot be unloaded through repentance or sacrifice. We dwell in sin, and therefore it is impossible to feel guiltless. We are eternal sinners, and we Dwelling in iniquity, in the fire of our own consciences, we know that throughout our lives we cannot possibly pay off the great debts we were born with, unless after our death we are mercifully taken into the bosom of God. Josephus , that's the reason, why I can't force you to accept my sermon, force you to repent. We have not committed this mistake or that sin, but live forever in a sense of original sin. Therefore, between you and me there is only In a relationship of knowing and loving each other, one cannot use punishment to treat and correct another person. Don’t you understand?” Josephus replied softly: "Yes. I have understood." "Then we won't have to say any more useless words," said the old man briefly, and turned to the big stone at Menri, where he knelt down and began his daily prayers. Several years passed, Elder Dion became weaker and weaker day by day, so that Josephus had to help the old man get up every morning, otherwise he would not be able to stand up.Then came the morning prayers, after which the old man could not stand up again and had to be supported by Josénance, after which the old man sat and stared into the distance all day long.This is a normal situation. On some days, the old man has the strength to stand up by himself.Even the job of listening to confession is not something the old man is able to do every day. Whenever Josanance takes over his duties, Elder Dion always calls the confessor to his side afterwards and says to him: "My mortal It is near, my boy, I am approaching my time. Tell the people: Josephus here is my successor." When Josephus wanted to intervene to express his dissent, the old man threw him a very stern voice. His gaze forced him to shut up. One day, the old man appeared more lively and got up unaided.He called Josephus to him, and together they came to a place on the edge of the little garden. "This is where you will bury me," said the old man. "Let's dig the grave together. I think we still have some time. Give me the shovel." From that day on, they always dig a small piece of land every morning.Whenever Elder Dion felt that he had a little strength, he always took out a few shovelfuls of dirt. Although it was very strenuous, the expression on his face was relatively happy, as if this job had brought him a lot of happiness.And this happy expression often hangs on the face all day long.Since digging the grave, the old man has continued to maintain a good attitude. "You'll have to plant a palm tree on my grave," said the old man one day as they were digging, "and maybe you'll live long enough to eat its fruit. If you can't have it, someone else will. I always It is to keep planting trees, but still too few. As the saying goes, if a man does not plant a tree and leave a son, he should not die. Well, not only did I plant a tree, but I left a son, and you are my son. " Josephus found that the old man's expression became more and more cheerful and composed. Since they met, he had never seen the old man so cheerful.One evening, when the sky was dark and they had already had their meal and their evening prayers, the old man called Josephus to his bedside and asked him to sit by his couch for a while. "I want to tell you something," he said kindly.The old man's expression is clear and clear, without any signs of fatigue. "Do you remember the last bad time you had in your hut near Gaza? You were so tired of life that you fled there, determined to visit old Dion and tell him your story, do you remember? Then you hid Met the old man at the monk's settlement, and asked him where Dion Pujl lived, remember? Sniff, you remember. Didn't it seem like a miracle that you finally found out that the old man was Dion Pujl? I'm going to tell you now why this happened, because the whole situation seemed like a miracle to me too! "You know very well that when an elder who listens to confession has been penanced for many years and has reached old age, he has heard countless people confess to him, and everyone regards him as a flawless sage, without realizing that he is better than them. What a great sinner, what does he feel in his heart. He feels that his work is empty, that he is of no use to others, that everything that used to be important and sacred to him - because God sent him here to listen and cleanse people's souls中的污垢和垃圾的——，如今对他竟成了难以承受的重大负担，是的，是一种过分沉重的负担了。他觉得自己的工作是一种诅咒，最后甚至看见有哪个可怜虫带着儿童式的罪孽来向他悔罪，他就惴惴不安。他就一心希望来人赶快走开，希望自己迅速得到摆脱，即使是悬在树上吊死也在所不惜。这便是你当时的情况。现在到了该我忏悔的时刻了，我要诉说的是：这也是当年发生在我身上的情况。我当时也相信自己的工作毫无用处，我的灵魂已黯淡无光。每当对我满怀信仰的人不断蜂拥而来，不断向我倾泻他们几俗生活中的污泥脏水，我觉得自己再也不能承受了。凡是他们无法对付的事情，我也不再能够对付。 “那时候我常常听人说起一个名叫约瑟甫斯·法莫罗斯的修士。我听说向他悔罪的人很多，有许多人更乐意找他而不找我，因为他比较温和，比较慈祥，从不责骂和有所要求，他把他们当成兄弟，只是倾听，临别时还给与一个亲吻。你很清楚，这可不是我的工作方法。当我第一次听人形容这个约瑟甫斯时，我认为他的作法有点愚蠢，甚至可说过分幼稚了。然而，如今在我开始怀疑自己之际，我便没有任何理由指责批评约瑟甫斯的做法，而自以为是了。当时我有点疑惑，这个人会有何等样的魔力呢？我知道这个人比我年轻，不过却也届近老年，这情况让我高兴，因为我很难轻信一个青年人。我当时便感到了这个法莫罗斯对自己的吸引力。我决心去向约瑟甫斯·法莫罗斯朝圣，向他供认自己的困境，请他指点迷津，即或得不到具体指点，总可以获得些安慰和鼓励。我的决心下对了，我获得了解脱。 “我踏上了朝圣之路，向人们传说他居住的地点走去。与之同时，约瑟甫斯修士恰恰与我有了相同体验，也做了与我相同的事，为了向我求援而逃离了自己的住地。我还未抵达他的住处就遇见了他，我们刚刚交谈了几句，我就认出他正是我期望拜见的人。然而他却是在逃亡途中，他的情况很糟，和我一样糟，或者还更糟糕些，因为他已不能够沉思，不能够倾听忏悔，却凄凄惶惶地要诉说自己的苦恼，要把自己托付给另一个人。那一瞬间，我感到失望极了，也非常悲伤。因为即使这个约瑟甫斯还没有认出我，不知道我也厌倦了自己的工作，也怀疑自己生命的意义，——也全都无关紧要，难道事实还不够说明我们两人都一文不值，都年华虚度而一事无成么？ “我讲到这里你总早已明白了吧——后面就可以简短些。你住在修士们聚居地的那个晚上，我独自静坐沉思，我站在你的立场上再三考虑着，心里想道：倘若他明天知道了实情，知道自己寄厚望于普吉尔实属徒劳，他会怎么样？倘若他知道普吉尔也是一个逃亡者，一个怀疑分子，他又会怎么样呢？我越是替他着想，就越加替他感到悲伤，同时也越发感到他好像是上帝派遣来我身边的，我将在了解他、治愈他的过程中，同时认识自己，治愈自己。我这才得以安心睡觉，这时已过了午夜。 第二天你就与我同行，并从此成了我的儿子。 “这段历史是我早就想对你叙述的。我听到你在哭泣。哭吧，哭出来会舒服些。 我既已唠叨了半天，干脆再烦你耐心听一忽儿，而且把我现在说的话牢记在心：人是奇怪的，是很难以信赖的动物，因而，也许某一时刻又会有些苦恼和诱惑再度袭击你，试图重新征服你，这是非常可能的事。但愿我们的救主到时候也送你一个善良、耐心而体贴人的儿子和弟子，就像当年把你送给我一样！至于让伊色利奥特的可怜犹大吊死在树干上的那棵大树，也即是当年诱惑者让你陷进去的幻景，我今天已经能够给你讲清一个道理：让自己这样死亡，不仅是一种愚蠢和罪过，尽管我们的救主将会不计较小过失而宽恕这一罪孽。但是，一个人在绝望中死去，也是一种特别悲惨的憾事。上帝把绝望遣送给我们，并不是想杀死我们，上帝送来绝望是要唤醒我们内心的新生命。约瑟甫斯，当上帝把死亡送给我们，当上帝让我们脱离俗世和肉体的羁束，召唤我们向上升华时，那么这是一种伟大的欢乐。一个人累极了获准安眠，一个人长久负重之后获准放下重担，这当然是一种十分珍贵的、美好的事情。自从我们开始挖掘我的墓穴以来——别忘了你得种一棵棕桐树——，自从我们开始掘墓以来，我比以往许多年里都更快活，更满足。 “我唠叨得太久了，我的儿子，你一定很累了。去睡吧，回你的小屋去。愿上帝与你同在！” 第二天早晨，狄昂长老没有出来做晨祷，也没有呼喊约瑟甫斯去帮他起床。约瑟甫斯心里有些恐慌，他悄悄地走进狄昂的小屋，走向床边，发现老人已与世长辞，他容光焕发，面带孩子般的微笑。 约瑟南斯埋葬了老人，在他的坟头种上了那棵树，他自己也活过了那棵树结出第一批果实的年代。